"I can't do this alone" I choke on my words as I yell at Greasy Sae. She looks surprised- it's the first words I have spoken in well over a week, but who's counting. Instead of saying anything, she gently tries to touch my arm and coax more tea into my hand. "you know- you aren't alo-" she stops mid sentence. It must be from the glare I give her. She knows she isn't the company I need. The company I need has all been taken away from me, in one way or another.
"I'll be in the kitchen" and I think I hear her sigh heavily on the way out. Guilt is an alien emotion to me.
I look out the window, staring at a squirrel that runs across the grass, gleefully. And just as fast as I noticed the squirrel, I feel my heart ache in such a way I think it will explode. Gale. Prim. Peeta. I can't take this anymore. I close my eyes, trying to focus on the blackness behind my eyelids. This only makes me think of my father. Every time we were forced to watch something Capitol related on our tiny television, my father would joke "I would rather watch the back of my eyelids!" then I would giggle the way a little girl does, and he would pick me up and sit me in his lap.
I shake the memories away. Until today, my brain was barely functioning; I couldn't think in full sentences. But now my thoughts are clear, and so are the painful aches that stab at everything in my being. I'm not grateful. I want to go back to the nothingness that consumed me for weeks.
I stand up from my rocking chair, another shocking action, and walk slowly into the kitchen. Moving this much feels odd. I almost need to try to remember. Left, right, left right. Sae just cooked something that smells awful. I don't bother to look, I still have no appetite anyways.
She half turns to look at me, then continues to look out the small window above the stove. "Peeta looks like he is improving." She says hesitantly. I almost fall over from hearing his name. "Really?" The word doesn't even come out as my voice, it sounds more like an old man who has worked in the coal mines all his life. I walk to the window as fast as I can, which isn't fast. Peeta looks stronger, healthier, and himself. So much like himself I almost forget what state of mind he's in.
She's a MUTT the back of my mind yells. Tears threaten to pour out of my eyes. I watch Peeta. He is carrying a large bag of flour into his house, without much struggle. I watch his hands for a while, remembering the way he used to caress my face. All those nights he held me on the train. The day on the roof. For a second, these memories bring a glint of happiness. Then, just as fast as it came, it left. Replacing happiness was nostalgia.
He glances at the window and an odd noise leaves my mouth and I jump out of sight. He can't see me like this! When was the last time I showered? Then I realize how foolish I am being. He doesn't care what I look like. To him, I will always be a hideous mutt. My chest feels heavy and I suddenly have an urge to go back to my bedroom, which is new, because I haven't been up there since I have arrived home.
It takes a long time to get up the stairs, as I suspected, and by the time I reach the top, I am out of breath. I walk towards my door and slowly open it. It looks clean. Sae cleans the dust out almost every day, hoping I will get the motivation to go up the stairs and sleep in my own bed. I still don't see this house as a home, though. I find myself at the window, searching for Peeta. He must be inside. I see faint smoke coming from his chimney. I watch it for several minutes, blank, then hear Sae lean on the door frame, "Kat" she pauses, "you should try and talk to Peeta" she eyes me carefully, "I really think he-"
"I don't want to set myself up for so much disappointment." I interrupt. Knowing my words are true, that he is forever changed.
"It's worth a shot." She doesn't wait for my response. She leaves me with my thoughts. I sit on the bed with a sigh. Then the sobs come. I don't know why I am crying. I am just tired. Tired of being sad. Tired of knowing that the Capitol still controls me.
I look at my reflection, but I don't see myself. I see a pale, disgusting, younger, yet somehow older version of me. My hair is falling out in patches, my nails are nonexistent, and my skin looks as if you could scrap off the dirt with a spoon.
I hear Greasy Sae walking up the stairs, probably to give me food I don't want, and before I can even see her, I say "The Capitol is going to stop controlling me now." I sound more scared then I intended, but I meant what I said. She waits for a follow up response. I don't say anything. I just keep looking at myself. "Darling, they don't control you. You are free from them" she says as calmly as her raspy voice allows her to. I don't know exactly how to explain what I mean. "I just- I need to bathe. I need to breathe fresh air." I say more for myself than for her. If I say it out loud, maybe this time I will actually follow through. Something sparks in her eyes and I can tell she's relieved I haven't gone mad. But I already have.
She helps me undress and get into the warm bath water. I look at my bare body, and I can count my every rib. I look like a child; how I did back when I couldn't hunt. I can't look at myself anymore. I lower myself into the bath, and Greasy Sae asks me if I will be okay, I nod, and she leaves me to myself.
The water feels silky against my dry, rough skin. I go under water and imagine myself at the lake. I stay under until my lungs can't take it anymore. I like it better under the water. It's silent; calming. Slowly but surely I wash my hair with shampoo, and conditioner. I scrub my body with soap, and then I try to clear my mind. I end up falling asleep- It's no surprise though, due to all the movement I've done today. When I wake up, the water is cool. I get a towel and look in the mirror again. I look better. "You don't own me anymore" I whisper to the fallen Capitol, that now exists only in my head. "You never did."
When I wake up the next morning, I feel like a different person. Aside from the dull ache in my heart that I have adjusted to, I almost feel like I could do something, leave the house maybe. So I decide, I will. The thought of real meat makes my appetite come back, and I know that I will attempt to go hunting. Today, when Greasy Sae offers me oatmeal, I don't decline it.
"I'm leaving." I tell her, even though she isn't my mother, she has the right to know where I am. "oh." She says, trying hard to be nonchalant-she doesn't succeed.
After changing into my fathers hunting jacket, I leave the house. It's a chilly September day. I breathe in as much sweet oxygen as my lungs allow. I have two choices- walk past Peeta's house, or go the complete opposite way. I decide I would rather take my chances that Peeta has no weapons, and walk past his house. Haymitch wouldn't allow weapons right? Then again.. My thoughts are disrupted by the sound of Peeta's door opening. He's humming. I stop dead in my tracks. He looks at me and halts as well. I see an inner struggle while looking in his blue eyes. At first, he looks vicious, angry, then his face slowly loosens up and he puts one hand in his pocket, and rubs the back of his neck with his free hand. He whispers something to himself and goes back inside. I stare at the closed door long after he's gone.
Hunting was a failure. My feet are far too loud, and my body is not adjusted to the twists and turns of the woods. I am walking in circles. I have no idea where I am. How have I lost myself in the one place I used to know like the back of my hand? Is that part of myself gone? I can't focus on getting out of the woods as much as the searing pain in my abdominal. Dragging my feet with my body bent forward, in pain, I go no where. I fall over from the pain. I try to yell for help, but why would it matter? No one is out here. I grit my teeth and let out a loud groan of pain that escaped me. This goes on for what feels like a few hours when I'm starting to black out and I see a pair of feet next to my head, then knees leaning down beside me. Peeta.
I don't have enough energy to express the shock I feel. I just look at him with my eyes and mouth wide open. He looks confused. He doesn't know what to do. I don't either. He's going to kill me. I know he is. This is his chance to kill the mutt.
Instead he says "I guess I should take you home now… Katniss?" He says my name like a question. He pauses, then his steady arms swoop me up in one, quick motion. Pain, and more pain. My head is buried in his chest and I can feel his heart racing. As it turns out, I was just around the corner from being out of the woods. The thought almost makes me laugh. But I don't.
Peeta looks down at me, and his blue eyes are soft, empathetic. "Peeta," I manage to get out in the form of a whisper. "You'll be okay" He says, but his voice isn't sincere. I can see the confusion in his eyes, struggling to identify me. Friend? Or foe? I read from his eyes. Peeta was never that hard for me to read anyways.
We arrive on my doorstep, and by this time, I feel a lot better, but I don't tell him that. I realized how much I missed human contact- even if it isn't exactly his choice. Greasy Sae opens the door and looks worried "Are you okay Katniss?" She looks at Peeta, "Hi, Peeta" She says nicely. "She's having abdominal pains, she should lie down" Peeta says. It's his voice. It's Peeta. It's my Peeta... Somewhere in there.
"Thank you for saving me, Peeta" I say after he lays me in my bed. "You're…you're welcome" He finally gets out. For a moment, we look at each other, both unsure what to do.
Hesitantly, he reaches out and touches my cheek. His hands smell like fresh bread. "That's what we do.. We protect each other, real or not real?" For the first time, he smiles, knowing it's not the first time he said that. Tears jerk at my eyes and all I can do is nod my head. It's still not Peeta. And I know that. But this is all I have left to hold on to, so I cling, and I savor every moment that his warm hand lightly touches my face.