title: Inside the Loneliness
By Pandora North star*
Summary: Set during the kiss in Tabula Rasa
Spike
She was sitting there staring at the wall behind the bar. I walked up, hoping for anything. She turned away from me. How can she do it, I wonder. She's been through so much and she still refuses to let anyone in. I'm not saying I'm the right man. I'm not even a man. But I seem to be the only one trying.
How could they do it? How could Willow. They go on with their lives like she comes back from heaven everyday. How dare they? I noticed her turning. The glazed look in her eyes. The look that said she was apart from this world and it wouldn't touch her. That's my slayer. Her lip trembled.
I wasn't expecting it. The lonely song in the background. The absence of guidance. The resolve that dissolved. It all contributed. I could tell she was desperate as she flung herself at me. It was like the night we sang. Her emotions overwhelmed her so she thrust them on me. A dead man. I could take it. I wouldn't burn.
Her fingers roamed over me and all I could think of was how much I loved kissing her. Our third kiss ever, not counting the time we were under a spell. Each time it was more intense. Like the feverish desperation would swallow us both.
*I just want to feel.* Did she really like me? Or was she just looking for something to fill the hollowness that kept her awake late at night. The aching loneliness that consumed her every waking moment. Somehow even if she was using me part of me didn't care. I should but I didn't. Because I too felt the pain.
Buffy
It was the same thing. The back and forth comments between us. It never seemed to end or change. He was watching me. In pain. I could feel his eyes pleading with me. Didn't he know that I couldn't let him in? That I couldn't let go of my strength. Even if it was to let his in.
I was so afraid to let someone else in. To trust someone. Everyone had left me or betrayed me. Except Spike. I always knew where I stood with him. Maybe it was cos he knew me and didn't hide anything from me. And I couldn't hide anything from him. But God, didn't he know my strength was the last thing I had. My nerves of steel.
If I let them go and let him in then what would I have to get me through the next thing? Because there's always something worse in my life. No matter what it got worse.
But the pain was fierce. The heartache. It ripped holes in my soul as much as demons ripped holes in my flesh. I'll never forget the way Giles looked at me as he left. He was afraid for me. He's not sure if I can make it. I don't know either. Why? I'm not ready. It's too soon. He's the only one I let in this time and now he's gone.
Oh God. Spike's hand is closer. I can feel it. Sense it, almost. It's penetrating my shields. I can't help but turn. He wants me to know he's here. That he loves me. But why can't he understand I don't love him back? I can't? I can't ever believe he loves me. That's he's good. Then I might really trust him and he'll leave me.
My stomach protests. It wants comfort. All this stress makes it scream. All the tightness in my muscles. All day and night. Never resting. His blue eyes see me. I can't turn away. They don't see the Slayer. They see Buffy. All by herself. Torn apart by her halves and all the webs of others.
We embrace. He takes me inside him with kisses. And The pain lessens. It ebbs into his unbeating heart that can't break. That withstands my attacks like a fortress. Fortress of solitude.
Just like before I'm free for a few moments. But it doesn't last. And that's the worst pain of it.
By Pandora North star*
Summary: Set during the kiss in Tabula Rasa
Spike
She was sitting there staring at the wall behind the bar. I walked up, hoping for anything. She turned away from me. How can she do it, I wonder. She's been through so much and she still refuses to let anyone in. I'm not saying I'm the right man. I'm not even a man. But I seem to be the only one trying.
How could they do it? How could Willow. They go on with their lives like she comes back from heaven everyday. How dare they? I noticed her turning. The glazed look in her eyes. The look that said she was apart from this world and it wouldn't touch her. That's my slayer. Her lip trembled.
I wasn't expecting it. The lonely song in the background. The absence of guidance. The resolve that dissolved. It all contributed. I could tell she was desperate as she flung herself at me. It was like the night we sang. Her emotions overwhelmed her so she thrust them on me. A dead man. I could take it. I wouldn't burn.
Her fingers roamed over me and all I could think of was how much I loved kissing her. Our third kiss ever, not counting the time we were under a spell. Each time it was more intense. Like the feverish desperation would swallow us both.
*I just want to feel.* Did she really like me? Or was she just looking for something to fill the hollowness that kept her awake late at night. The aching loneliness that consumed her every waking moment. Somehow even if she was using me part of me didn't care. I should but I didn't. Because I too felt the pain.
Buffy
It was the same thing. The back and forth comments between us. It never seemed to end or change. He was watching me. In pain. I could feel his eyes pleading with me. Didn't he know that I couldn't let him in? That I couldn't let go of my strength. Even if it was to let his in.
I was so afraid to let someone else in. To trust someone. Everyone had left me or betrayed me. Except Spike. I always knew where I stood with him. Maybe it was cos he knew me and didn't hide anything from me. And I couldn't hide anything from him. But God, didn't he know my strength was the last thing I had. My nerves of steel.
If I let them go and let him in then what would I have to get me through the next thing? Because there's always something worse in my life. No matter what it got worse.
But the pain was fierce. The heartache. It ripped holes in my soul as much as demons ripped holes in my flesh. I'll never forget the way Giles looked at me as he left. He was afraid for me. He's not sure if I can make it. I don't know either. Why? I'm not ready. It's too soon. He's the only one I let in this time and now he's gone.
Oh God. Spike's hand is closer. I can feel it. Sense it, almost. It's penetrating my shields. I can't help but turn. He wants me to know he's here. That he loves me. But why can't he understand I don't love him back? I can't? I can't ever believe he loves me. That's he's good. Then I might really trust him and he'll leave me.
My stomach protests. It wants comfort. All this stress makes it scream. All the tightness in my muscles. All day and night. Never resting. His blue eyes see me. I can't turn away. They don't see the Slayer. They see Buffy. All by herself. Torn apart by her halves and all the webs of others.
We embrace. He takes me inside him with kisses. And The pain lessens. It ebbs into his unbeating heart that can't break. That withstands my attacks like a fortress. Fortress of solitude.
Just like before I'm free for a few moments. But it doesn't last. And that's the worst pain of it.