Hey everyone! I haven't posted for a while, but this story kind of popped into my head because of a few things going on in my life at the moment (mostly college-related). I realize that there's probably lots of "Rachel leaves for NYC and Quinn is stuck in Lima feeling sorry for herself" stories, but I hope this isn't perceived as one of those (it might be, at first, but as it goes on, hopefully not!). Anyways, read and review please! :)
Quinn ignored Judy's pleas as she bolted for her room upstairs, locking the door furiously behind her and throwing herself into her pillows. She'd hoped that they would soften her sobs, but not completely quiet them. She wanted her mother to know that she partially blamed her for this; for everything. For keeping her sheltered, with her father's help, as the perfect little celibate Christian; for turning her away when she'd been pregnant and had needed a real mother the most (and not just one who fussed over frilly Chastity Ball dresses or fueled her father's cruelty by never standing up for her); for choosing to remain a ghost in Quinn's life, there but never truly there. And now, for this.
She had been sitting on Rachel's four-poster bed two weeks ago when the miniature starlet had received an acceptance packet from Julliard. Quinn had been the one to embrace the girl enthusiastically and scream congratulations and other mumbled exclamations into the brunette's hair. Outside, as ever, she had enacted the persona that would keep away questions and inquiries. By appearing ecstatic, Rachel bought up the act. How ironic for an aspiring actress.
But inside, Quinn had been feeling every individual pang of her heart breaking. All her chances at following Rachel Berry to New York City to begin their lives together had at that moment dissipated. At first, Quinn had been certain that despite the brief detours she'd been forced to endure, courtesy of adolescence and a God that had convinced the young blonde to become a reformed Christian, she could still grasp that opportunity to make something more out of herself than just a Lima loser. There had been that small window where she had seen busy, traffic-filled city streets while chasing after Rachel towards Central Park, where they could stroll together and reminisce about how much Brittney might adore the ducks. As soon as Rachel had sprinted to her room clutching the white envelope, Quinn had known that it was over.
A New York education was out of the question; tuition was majorly expensive and the finances required to even get her there had hardened Judy Fabray's posture when Quinn had explained it all.
"Quinnie, you must be realistic. How can I afford to pay thousands of dollars to send you to New York when you can get a perfectly fine education here in Ohio?"
Quinn's head had sunk down as she quietly said, "Mom, I don't want to stay here. I need to get out of Ohio and Lima and experience something for myself. I need to go to New York. You have to understand."
But she hadn't understood. Which was why, two weeks later and no closer to any form of compromise, Quinn had flung herself into her room, shutting out her mother and effectively shooting down her last chance at escaping. Lima, Ohio had effectively caged her with an unwanted pregnancy and superficial high school popularity, and now had welded the gate shut.
Quinn cried and screamed and whimpered. She bemoaned her inability to be able to ever leave. She pitied herself that others had managed to get out, but of course, not her. Based on the events of the last two years, she was surprised that she'd ever cajoled herself into hoping for a chance. She cursed Santana for being able to attend UCLA, and even screamed at Brittney in her head for going with her on a dance scholarship.
At least Rachel was going to leave, because she'd helped to send the tiny singer on her way. Quinn smiled bitterly at the memory of a stage, a piano, and a cruel conversation a week before Regionals during her junior year. It was such a long time ago; after that night, and after their win, Quinn had marched right up to Rachel and kissed her soundly, apologizing wordlessly for lying to her before and for crushing her in the way she had. Rachel, grinning and flushed, had accepted it with another kiss, something gentler that had Quinn convinced that they were going to be in it for the long haul. Something had felt right, for the first time in years. It hadn't mattered that Rachel was a girl and that, according to her alcoholic father and depressed mother, God sent lesbians to Hell. She could never go to Hell now, not when she had Rachel by her side.
"Might as well just pack my bags and meet up with the Devil now," Quinn said to the empty room.
A soft knock on the door resounded in the quiet space, surprising Quinn. She growled and shouted, "I don't want to talk to you, Mom. Don't even bother trying."
"Quinn?"
The door opened to reveal Rachel, whose expression of confusion and sadness made her look like a dopey puppy. Adorable, Quinn had to admit, but not what she needed at the moment. She just wanted to be left alone.
"Rachel, I can't talk right now," she muttered.
Rachel took a small step into the room, carefully closing the door behind her. "Why not?"
"Because I'm pissed and frustrated and upset and sad and I feel fucking helpless right now."
The brunette's eyes widened at the rarely-used curse. She closed the gap between them and placed a tentative hand on Quinn's shoulder, whispering, "What can I do?"
Quinn slowly turned to face the girl she'd fallen in love with and couldn't hold it in anymore. Sob after sob poured out, her tears staining Rachel's light blue cardigan at a rapid pace as the girl had kept her from collapsing to the floor. The blonde greedily clutched at any piece of Rachel she could reach; a pale hand wound itself into soft hair as the other scratched at Rachel's neck, leaving small white marks on tan skin. Rachel tried stroking Quinn's disheveled locks and used her other hand to gently hold Quinn to her body.
After a few minutes, Quinn disengaged herself from Rachel's grasp and sat on her bed. Rachel quickly followed suit, scooting as close to her girlfriend as possible. "Quinn," she said, "your mom called me to come over here a little while ago. She told me about what had made you so upset that you locked yourself away in your room and have refused to speak to her for the past three hours."
Quinn looked up, bleary-eyed. "It's really been three hours?" Rachel nodded in reply.
Quinn breathed in slowly. "So you know that I can't go to New York with you then."
"Yes," Rachel said simply.
The lack of a typical long-winded answer infuriated Quinn for some reason. "That's all you have to say?" she asked with a hint of sharpness.
"What else do you want me to say?"
"I don't know; something! More than just saying 'yes.'"
"Well then…I'm sorry? Quinn, I don't understand. What's so bad about having to stay here for college? New York isn't that far away," Rachel said.
Quinn's eyes became cold and stony, and Rachel immediately knew that she'd said the wrong thing.
"That's my point, Rachel. You don't understand. So until you do, just leave."
"Quinn, I…I'm sorry, I don't know what to say," Rachel mumbled.
"So don't say anything. Leave, please," Quinn pleaded in a gentler tone.
Rachel's eyes met Quinn's, and her posture and stance became more resolute. Rachel's stubbornness was something that Quinn often couldn't match, a reason why the blonde loved her so much. Her sheer power of will was incredible.
"I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on, Quinn," Rachel stated.
"You wouldn't understand," Quinn snapped.
Rachel only shrugged and said, "Try me."
Quinn sighed and took in a shaky breath, mentally preparing for what she was about to say. She didn't know how Rachel would take it, whether she would be too angered to stay or too scared of losing Quinn to leave. The former cheerleader sincerely hoped for the latter, but refrained from doing so too strongly, remembering her running track record for crushed hopes.
"If you leave, Rachel, I'm going to get left behind in the dust. You'll be off in New York, having the time of your life, and at the same time I'll be stuck here in Ohio wishing that I was there with you. And nothing that I do will change the fact that it'll be so easy for you to just…forget, about me and what we have. " Quinn could feel wetness running down her cheeks, and reached up to absently wipe them away before continuing.
"I tried my hardest not to be left behind, Rachel. God, I tried. But I can't hold you back by asking you to stay here in Lima with me; no, I won't do that to you. So you have to go to New York and be happy and be without me."
Rachel's brow furrowed in confusion. "So you're saying that you do want me to go to New York alone?"
"No!" Quinn said, exasperated. "I'm saying that I have no clue what to do! I don't want to have to lie in bed every night pitying myself for not being smart enough or pretty enough or talented enough to finally get out of this crappy town full of its crappy little people! You can make it out of here, but I tried and I failed! Everything I worked for to get away from here wasn't good enough. For anybody."
Rachel listened in silence, nodding in tandem to the points of Quinn's explanation that she understood. When Quinn paused to breathe, Rachel slid off the bed to her knees and faced Quinn. She took her tear-stained face between her hands and brought their lips together, in a soft pressure that didn't beg for intrusion. Pulling away slowly, Rachel said, "You are wrong, Quinn. You are completely wrong about everything. Do you want to know why?"
Quinn remained silent, slightly curious as to what Rachel was going to say.
"You have worked hard the last four years, Quinn. Even I'm not stupid enough not to realize that. Being head Cheerio on Coach Sylvester's squad was a herculean feat, one that I am proud of especially. So, first point: Quinn Fabray worked too hard and failed. Disproven." Rachel leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Quinn's forehead.
"Point number two: Quinn Fabray isn't talented enough. First of all, you auditioned into Glee and made it with a voice that I could listen to all day. You are such a beautiful vocalist, Quinn, and if your performance at Sectionals last year with Sam and all of your solos this year don't convince you, then listen to what I'm about to say. Your voice is the one that I always listen for in a crowded hallway or in an empty room; it's the one that I love to fall asleep to and the one that I love to hear laughing. If there's one voice that I couldn't live without, it's yours." With that, Rachel softly kissed Quinn's right cheek.
"Point number three: Quinn Fabray isn't pretty enough. I cannot even begin to tell you how many fallacies belong to that statement. I am constantly amazed by how gorgeous you are, Quinn, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world that I get to hold your hand and show people that this pretty girl," Rachel said, poking Quinn's nose with her finger, "belongs to me." Another kiss followed, this time to Quinn's nose.
"Point number four: Quinn Fabray isn't smart enough. If I remember correctly, you've taken AP classes since your sophomore year, and have passed every test with flying colors. You have an amazing capacity for knowledge and remember so many details that you make me look lazy, which is quite difficult to do, I might add. So, saying you're intelligence is sub-par is ridiculous and utterly false." Rachel ended this particular ramble with a peck to Quinn's left cheek.
Before saying anything else, Rachel lifted Quinn's face with an index finger under her chin to meet her eyes. Chocolate brown locked on to hazel, and Quinn felt her breath catch in her throat as she watched Rachel move towards her. Quinn met her halfway, crashing her lips to Rachel's like it was an addiction she'd denied herself for too long. Rachel cupped Quinn's jaw, holding her in place as Rachel peppered Quinn's neck with feather-light kisses. Coming back up to meet Quinn's gaze again, Rachel said lowly, "Point number five: Quinn Fabray will lie in bed every night pitying herself for not being with me. Would you like to know why that statement is untrue?"
Quinn felt herself nodding, but didn't register it for the fact that Rachel's lips were barely touching her own. Both girls breathed in heavily, but Rachel was the only one to speak.
"Because every night, I will be right there next to you."