Robert Y. Fatt Psychiatric Hospital
3:44 PM
6-0, Cubs
Patient No. 141141541
First Name: Houjun Last Name: Li Sex: Male Age: 26
Ethnic Background: Chinese/Japanese Bloodtype: responded "unknown no da"
Hair Color: Blue (?) Eyecolor: Brown D/O/B: 4/19
OPENING
A new patient was brought into the clinic today, introducing himself as a Mr. Houjun Li. He seemed sane enough, but I have a background report here that lists various disorders, including, but not limited to, acute schizophrenia, speech impediments, traumatic childhood, known homicidal tendencies, spontaneous bouts of angsty singing, inherent fear of water, belief he IS water, inherent fear of logs moving at high velocity, habit of suspending lesser members of the feline family using unknown means, and ingestion of illegal substances in order to maintain hair color and/or levitation.
PHYSIOLOGY OF PATIENT
Mr. Li is a fairly tall gentleman, with bizarre blue hair and a large, pound-shaped scar totally obscuring his left eye, although he quite frequently is seen wearing a mask he has somehow made able to (loosely) mimic facial expressions. He also has a moderately sized scar on his left shoulder, and displays an odd mark on his right knee.
Height is subject to change dramatically.
INTERVIEW
I was sent to meet Mr. Li in a small, white room that had been cleared of any and all sharp and/or pointy objects. However, upon my arrival I found myself in an empty room, the chair opposite me containing only one of those funny little cone hats you see little Chinese dudes wear in those dumb movies. I was about to leave the interviewing room when a small, cat-faced man emerged forth from the hat, apologizing hastily for his tardiness and muttering something about "clumsy bandits no da" and the fact that "NEXT time when I need a night's lodging, I'm staying with Houki-sama na no da!" The transcript of our interview is as follows:
Myself: Good evening, Mr Li.
Li: Evening no da ka? Ano, has it really been that long no da?
Myself: [nodding] Yes it has, it is precisely seven-thirty pm, March Second, 2002.
[Mr Li did something here I quite frankly can only describe with the bizarre and unknown word "chibiing"]
Li: DAAAAAAAAA!! Baka Tasuki-kun na no da! See if I help him find his bloody tessen again na no da...[muttering]
Myself: [curiously] Baka? Tasuki? Tessen? No da?
[a small bead of water runs down the side of Mr Li's face as his mask "eyes" become yet more squinty]
Li: Never mind, no da. [nervous smile]
Myself: [straightening] It is my duty to understand all aspects of my patients.
[silence]
Li: [hesitantly] Ano..
Myself: Tell me about your childhood.
[silence]
Myself: Mr Li?
Li: [casually] Well when I was eighteen, my fiancé was assaulted by my best friend, the former then committing suicide because she was "impure" and the latter refusing to face me. So I found the nearest knife and went to skewer the bastard. However, a gigantic flood made its way through my village, abruptly ending the lives of every single person I had ever known and loved, and my best friend slipped into the waters, and I realized how much I loved him, and I grabbed his hand to save him, but this [gestures with hands] gigantic log came flying out of nowhere and whapped my left eye, which exploded in a climactic explosion of blood and gore (see manga volume seventeen), causing me to lose my grip on my friend and sending him to his suffacatious death as well.
Myself: Continue.
Li: [making himself comfortable] It was then that I decided to become a monk-
Myself: [interrupting] You're a monk?
Li: Yes.
Myself: [curiously] But you're not bald.
Li: I'm bald enough to cause total strangers to exclaim, 'Damn his fuzzy little head!' na no da.
Myself: I see. [turns page of notebook] Mr Li, let us forget about the discussion of your childhood and continue down this path.
Li: [looking a bit disoriented] Da?
Myself: Of your hair.
Li: Ano...
Mr Li was then subjected to the testings of our crack-down haircare experts for the next several hours. Thirteen patients reported being roused from their sleep patterns due to the subsequent screamings.
DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT
After being closely examined by numerous experts, we have concluded that Mr. Li is too frightening for our institution to handle adequately. Far too frightening. We informed him of this, and as he sunk to his knees in despair, odd water-like music began to que up. We finally loaded him onto a stretcher, dumped him in a plastic ball pit at The Fifties McDonald's, and left him there to wallow in his scariness.
--END REPORT--