They call Me Sly Slyson
I guess I should start from the beginning. That's the most logical course of action, isn't it? But anyway, here goes nothing.
"Yo ya boy Sly Slyson bout to swallow a mid-sized millipede!" Slyler sighed. It was an ancient curse passed down from his ancestors. The males in his family were always named Slyler Slyson, and they were always soft spoken afro wearers. Whenever someone said 'Yo ya boy Sly Slyson bout to...' He had to do it. So Slyler trundled off into the woods to try and find a mid-sized millipede. It took him several hours, but finally he found a 5 inch long millipede. He brought it back to those people, and he opened his gullet and swallowed it whole.
"Yeah! Wooh! Alright Sly!" That was the cacophony of noises Slyler heard. But it was all just white noise to Sly Slyson. Nothing was more humiliating than this curse. Suddenly he snapped his head up. He heard the words
"Yo ya boy Sly Slyson bout to drink several quarts of pig blood!" Sly Slyson sighed, and went off to find the nearest slaughterhouse.
Sly Slyson walked home from school, sighing to himself. He could barely take it anymore. This terrible curse. This terrible curse. He walked in the door of his adopted parent's house, and he saw a terrible scene. He adopted parents where arguing brutally, yelling and gesturing wildly. They both turned at the same time when Sly TSlson walked into the house. He looked shocked and confused.
"Why are you guys fighting?" He said in his soft spoken voice of his. His adopted father, Hathan Narr, snapped his head over to Sly.
"Slyler! What are you doing here!"
"I live here."
"GO TO YOUR ROOM THIS INSTANT!" Sly Slyson shook his head.
"I don't want you guys to fight."
"Yo ya boy Sly Slyson bout to go to his room!" Sly sighed and went to his room. He opened his door to find his older brother, Cosh Jarver, sitting on his bed.
"What's up ?"
"Don't say that word!" Their mother called up to them.
"Alright mom!" Cosh yelled. He turned back to Sly. "So what's up?"
"Not much. Had to eat a millipede, drink several quarts of freshly slaughtered pig blood, and turn into a Ford F-250. How was your day?"
"Alright. I got a B on a math test." His hand instinctively jerked to his book bag, which held his .38 special. He stopped himself just in time, however, and shook his head. "Anyway, I got to go do homework." He got up to leave, and as he turned, Sly saw the fresh bandages on the back of his skull. Sly shook his head. Sly sat down in his chair, contemplating life. He got out his AP Physics textbook, and tried to study. His parents stopped arguing, and that was a good sign.
He had just finished his essay on neutrinos, when he heard Cosh shout
"The FUCK is the answer!" And then a loud bang. A few seconds later, Cosh stumbled into Sly's room, with his lower jaw in a mess. He gurgled something, which was enough incentive to get Sly to use his energy powers to heal Cosh's jaw. When his jaw was back to normal, Sly admonished him
"You gotta stop shooting yourself whenever something happens ever. It's a crutch."
"I know. I'm trying to stop. It's just so easy, ya know?"
"No."
"Kids! Dinner time!" They walked downstairs, wondering what the fuck they were going to eat tonight. Their mother, with her shockingly white hair, served up some steaming pile of shit on their fathers plate. She smiled up at the kids as they sat down to eat. She slopped some pile of dog crap or whatever the hell they were going to eat tonight on Slyler's plate. He sighed.
A few minutes into their dinner, while everyone was eating quietly, a flashbang burst through their window and blinded everyone. About 30 seconds later, when it wore off, everyone stopped blinking enough to see their crazy schizophrenic uncle Halker Warnden standing there, an absurd grin on his face. He pulled out a piece of paper, a pencil, and a FN Five Seven Pistol, and slammed it down in front of Sly. He said
"Yo ya boy Sly Slyson bout to divide by zero!" Sly had no choice but to pick up the pencil and start dividing by zero, but Hathan said
"Yo ya boy Sly Slyson bout to disregard that last statement!" Halker fired back by saying
"Yo ya boy Sly Slyson bout to kill his entire family!" Sly had no choice but to reach for the Five Seven. However, before he could do anything Cosh Jarver leapt up and shouted
"Not if I do it first!" He whipped out his Smith and Wesson .500 and blew his head apart. Sly Shook his head and slaughtered his adopted parents like the pigs they ARE. Not were, ARE. Yeah I'm talking to you guys! SHOUT OUT!
Anyway, Sly opened fire on his parents, wasting the 20 round magazine on the two of them. Sly then sat down and promptly proceeded to divide by zero. Keep in mind this whole time Halker Warnden was masturbating. He found it difficult but he eventually succeeded.
When Slyler Slyson divided by zero, everything suddenly went negative, and every single thing in all of the universe opened their mouths in a horrendous scream of pain and anguish, and the entire fabric of reality tore itself apart. Except for Slyler. He just floated there, in a cosmic whirlpool of nothingness, for all eternity. That is, until Arceus's egg appeared.