RFSP episode #103
Deep Secrets, Dark Secrets, And Plans
Synopsis: In this landmark episode, the world of South Park is effectively shaken to its very core. Realizing it was only a matter of time before he had to do so; Dylan reveals his biggest secret to the boys and by the time he's done, Cartman learns that Liane was never his real mother. In the middle of it all, Stan confesses his true feelings for Wendy. And to top it all off, Davenport has called in some old South Park villains to buy himself time while he continues his search for Chemical Z. Secrets revealed, scandals uncovered, feelings confessed, and the unexpected return of an old ally…the final stand is quickly drawing near.
Deep Secrets, Dark Secrets, And Plans
Chapter 1-Dylan's past
A/N: Welcome to episode 3 everyone! Just a quick note…if you have not seen the episodes that deal with the identity of Cartman's father (the episodes are "Cartman's Mom Is A Dirty Slut", "Cartman's Mom Is Still A Dirty Slut", "200", and "201") then I HIGHLY recommend you watch those first, for two reasons. One, so you're not lost on the plot of this story. And two, because THIS STORY CONTAINS HUGE SPOILERS FROM THE SHOW!
Anyways, these episodes of RFSP were originally going to be a 3-part episode, but once I went through the ideas/storyline of Part 3 itself more and more, I decided to make it a 4-part episode. Because of that, I apologize if this episode of RFSP lacks that much action or the like.
And the usual disclaimers: I own nothing related to South Park that appears in this story. I only own my OC's.
And so, I now present chapter 1 of RFSP episode 3!
It was quite a hectic day at the filming studios of the Canada Channel. The fact that they were the only channel in Canada only put more stress on them.
Terrance and Phillip, along with the production crew for the television series of the same name, were hectically and frantically scurrying around the studio. The 500th episode of the Terrance and Phillip Show was due to air in three days, and they were already behind schedule. It was even worse when you considered how this episode was going to be extra special, what with it being the 500th and all.
At times like these, Terrance and Phillip themselves always had to remind themselves of how fortunate their lives have been. The duo certainly had been through a lot together. They had a hit TV show that was still going strong over 15 years later just for starters. They each had a lovely wife, Katherine and Katy Queef. And even when the two split and went their own ways in 2001, it was fate, and four young boys from Colorado, that brought them back together. Not to mention it was those same four boys that saved them from dying at the hands of an outright then-insane Jewish mother from South Park, as she was quite hell-bent on ensuring their deaths…even though…that technically wasn't them.
But the two fart-loving Canadians also harbored a secret: A secret that dates back to when they were much younger than they are now. A secret that dates back to before they even had thoughts of having their own TV show. And it couldn't possibly have been a coincidence that one of those four Colorado boys was the adopted son of one of their long-lost friends….
"Terrance! Phillip!"
Terrance and Phillip both snapped back to reality as the director asked them if something was troubling them.
"No…we're fine."
"Alright then buddy! Places you two! And 5…4…3…2…ACTION!"
The cameras started rolling and Terrance and Phillip began their newest sketch: The mystery of the dire wolf. This episode involved them walking through a backdrop of a Canadian forest, looking for footprints of a dire wolf. Terrance was dressed like Sherlock Holmes and Phillip like Dr. Watson.
"My what have we here!?" Phillip began. "Footprints left by a dire wolf!"
"I don't see anything Phillip!"
"Bend over to get a closer look!"
Terrance bent over. "What is it aboot the ground I'm not seeing?"
"This!"
Phillip jumped up and farted on Terrance's face. The two performed their trademark laugh until the director suddenly yelled "CUT!"
"Cut? What the hell are you stopping us for!?"
"Somebody's on the phone for you buddy!" the director replied.
"Who?"
"I don't know, she didn't say. She just said it was an emergency and that you three should talk in private!" the director added as the room cleared out, leaving Terrance and Phillip alone. Terrance walked over and picked up the phone that was lying next to the director's chair.
"H-hello?"
"Terrance is that you? Is Phillip with you? Put me on speakerphone!" the voice asked.
Terrance pressed the speakerphone button.
"Who are you?" Phillip asked the voice.
"It's me Jessica!" the voice answered.
"We…don't know anybody by that name." Terrance replied, unsure if this person was who he thought it was.
"Yes you guys do! It's me, Jessica! From Unit 14!"
"Oh my God…it is you!"
"Yes!"
Terrance and Phillip were completely taken aback. Neither of them had spoken to Jessica in years.
"What's going on?"
"Both of you get down to Nexton, North Carolina immediately! Our unit is having an unexpected reunion! I'll explain on the way!"
Back in Nexton, Dylan began revealing his biggest secret of his entire life. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Butters, Bebe, and Ike all listened very intently.
Dylan sighed as he began. "Oh man, where do I even begin with this story? Well for starters…Cartman, I do know your mom. She's sort of a long-lost friend of mine, one I've only seen about four times in the past 25 years. We were part of a unit in this extremely top secret government espionage and offense agency, whose existence was not known by the general public. In fact, 80% of the government itself didn't even know about us. Hell, not even the president did! In order to keep it more discrete, we didn't even give ourselves a name. We just called it 'The Agency'. A bunch of new recruits had joined around the time I did. It was 1986 when I joined and my unit was formed. Each unit was made up of five people, and once I was recruited, I was assigned to the newly formed Unit 14 along with four others."
"My mom was a government spy!?" asked a very surprised Eric Cartman.
"She was. I was 13 when I joined The Agency, and your mother was about 25. We were placed in the same unit, along with a girl my age named Jessica Alliot, and two Canadians. They were Terrance Stoot and Phillip Argyle."
"Terrance and Phillip!?"
"Terrance and Phillip were in your unit!?"
"They sure were!"
"Fucking sweet dude!"
"But I thought you said The Agency was only in America?"
"Terrance and Phillip were two of a few exceptions. I'll get to that later. Anyway, The Agency contained just about the most kick-ass spies America could ever find, and my unit was one of the best The Agency ever had. The five of us got along exceptionally well and our bonds were pretty strong."
"But what exactly did you do in The Agency?" Stan asked.
And so to better give the kids an idea of what he did in The Agency, Dylan began describing one of his missions in vivid detail.
One day in Saudi Arabia, a helicopter, containing five American spies, made its way over a sparsely populated desert. It was April 23rd, 1987.
Inside the helicopter, the five spies were getting their final briefs about the mission. They were to retrieve the contents of a huge vault hidden deep within a palace they were fast approaching.
"Alright! Who's ready to kick some ass!?" 13 year-old Dylan Scralp eagerly asked his friends and teammates.
"Just don't initiate a repeat of what happened in Iran last month." Reminded 13 year-old Jessica Alliot.
Dylan just rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, it wasn't that bad."
"I had to get anal surgery afterwards because my anus was torn apart!" 28 year-old Terrance Stoot aggressively retorted.
"Yeah, why did you even think that would be a good idea!?" agreed 27 Phillip Argyle.
"Uh, because we were surrounded? Besides, you can still fart just fine can't you?"
As the helicopter approached the drop zone, Dylan noticed one of his teammates had been a bit quiet the whole ride over.
"Hey Liane! Something wrong?"
25 year-old Liane Cartman turned around to face the others.
"No, no I'm fine." She answered as she pushed a lock of her long brown hair out of her eyes.
"My unit's time with The Agency was right around the end of the Cold War, so you can only imagine the fun we had!"
"Fun?" Butters asked.
"Of course! We kicked ass and we loved doing it! We were the best unit at the time and about the 4th best The Agency had ever seen! Those were certainly what one would call 'The glory days'. There was always danger at every turn, and believe me, it was quite exhilarating!"
After dropping out of the helicopter and parachuting to the ground, Unit 14 was immediately ambushed by Saudi Arabian soldiers. The enemies started shooting at Unit 14, who were able to quickly dodge everything fired at them. Phillip took out a special "fart grenade" and threw it at the soldiers, effectively knocking half of them out. After a while of dodging projectiles and fighting their way through hordes of enemies, Unit 14 eventually reached a heavily guarded palace.
Each member of Unit 14 had their own natural skill that they used to their advantage during missions. Terrance and Phillip had their farts, Dylan had his pure rage whenever he got pissed off, Jessica had her agility, and Liane had her promiscuity, which wound up coming in handy way more times than anyone initially thought.
After taking out the guards and forcing their way inside, Dylan pulled out a GPS-like device.
"Uh…got it! Liane! Get to the commander's room and have your way with him! Find out how to open the vault! Terrance and Phillip, you go that way down to the vault. Jessica and I will take care of all the foot soldiers."
The three groups ran down three separate corridors as fast as they could.
"My mom slept with Saudi Arabians!?" Cartman asked.
"She sure did. Her sluttiness came in handy quite often as a matter of fact."
"Ey!"
"Jesus Christ Cartman!" Kyle added. "Your mom really is a dirty slut!"
Terrance and Phillip arrived at the vault, but noticed there was an invisible force field of sorts blocking the entrance.
"Terrance to Jessica! Terrance to Jessica!" Terrance yelled into his earpiece. "We got a problem!"
"What's the problem?" Jessica responded as she and Dylan made their way through a hallway, attacking anybody they saw.
"It appears the security system for the vault isn't set up like we thought. There's an invisible force field around it!"
"Shit! I should've known that would be the case!" Dylan responded. "Don't worry, we'll find a way to shut it off." Dylan said as he pressed a button on his earpiece. "Liane! Change of plans, kind of. Don't grill the commander for a code; grill him on how to shut down the vault's force field!"
"Got it!" Liane replied as she approached the door to the commander's room. She opened it, peered inside, and heard a shower turning off. She realized she had to act fast.
She hurriedly changed into a set of very arousing lingerie she had brought with her and quickly crawled into the bed in the corner of the room. The commander walked out of the bathroom in his underwear a few seconds later, and immediately noticed he had a visitor.
"What the hell-who are you!? How did you get in here!?"
"Oh come on now…." Liane answered him in an arousing tone of voice. "You aren't willing to give a stranger a try?"
She got out of bed, walked over to him, and started rubbing her hand on his chest.
"I…uh…." The commander was left at a loss for words.
One minute later, Dylan and Jessica were standing in a hallway, waiting patiently, when their earpieces started picking up sounds of Liane living the Burger King slogan with the commander.
"Hey Jessica! I bet you three dollars it takes her more than an hour!"
"You're on!"
Eventually, after having a long session with each other, Liane and the commander were just lying in bed.
"Ooooohhh…that was fun!" the commander exclaimed.
"Can I ask you something sweetie?" Liane asked him while he was still distracted
"Yes?"
"How would one go about getting into your vault?"
"Well, tee hee, they'd have to get into the security room, and press the button labeled "Vault Field" to turn off the force field surrounding it. How come?"
Liane suddenly connected her bare fist with his face quicker than the Road Runner outrunning Wile E. Coyote, and harder than a tough slab of concrete breaking the fist of some dumb kid who was dared to punch it.
"Dylan! Jessica!" she shouted into her earpiece once the commander was knocked out. "Get to the security room and press a button labeled 'Vault Field'!
Liane quickly put her clothes back on and ran out of the room to rendezvous with the others.
Jessica handed Dylan three dollars and the two sped off towards the security room, a room filled with video monitors and control panels. After breaking into it and taking out everyone inside, Dylan pressed the Vault Field button.
"The field is down!" Dylan alerted Terrance and Phillip. "The field is down! Go, go, go, go! We rendezvous outside!"
Terrance and Phillip threw a grenade at the vault door and ran inside as soon as the smoke from the explosion cleared. They ran back out a few seconds later with a box of secret documents.
All five made it out of the palace safely and found the helicopter waiting on them. They hurriedly jumped aboard and fired a few shots at a couple of guards that had started to shoot the helicopter. Unit 14 took them down with ease and the helicopter flew off. The mission was complete.
"Whoa! Cool!" Kyle exclaimed.
"Damn right it was! We went to all sorts of places during our time at The Agency! It may have gotten a little monotonous at times, but we always looked past that. Those three years were the best of my life!"
"But how did you keep up with school without anybody knowing?" Bebe asked.
"Time zones."
"Huh?"
"The power of the time zones is what kept this a secret. On the night of a mission I'd wait for a transport to come get me, and it'd usually be around 11 P.M. once the rest of my family was asleep. My transport would arrive and take me to The Agency's HQ. We'd get our assignment and jet over to where we needed to be. Due to the tie zones, it would be 11 P.M. or so here, but maybe around 1 P.M. wherever we went. Whenever we'd get back it would only be around 3 A.M. or so. Granted I lost a lot of sleep during those nights, but I was still able to avoid any suspicion.
"Did you not ever have missions during the daytime?"
"Oh we did. Anytime any field agent had a long-term or daytime mission, The Agency would have our personal double take our place until we got back. Our personal doubles were exactly what they sound like: People that were extensively trained in the life of the person they were assigned to that would take our place back home until we got back."
"Just get to the part about my mom already!" Cartman demanded.
"Hang on I'm getting to that. In the summer of 1989, The Agency shut down. You see, since most of the government didn't know about us, we couldn't take a huge amount of the government's money without people noticing. Granted we were still paid and The Agency was still funded, but eventually The Agency sort of ended up broke. Before saying our good-byes to each other, my unit went on a little road trip for a couple of weeks. We had our personal doubles from The Agency take our places back home, and nobody suspected a thing. Anyway during the last week of our road trip, we stopped in this little mountain town in Colorado that we had heard of, but not really known anything about."
"South Park?"
"Correct. Out of curiosity we decided to look around. Late that night, we discovered there was a little party going on, so we all stopped to take a look. That party…was the 12th annual drunken barn dance."
"The barn dance!?"
"But I thought that was how Cartman's mom got pregnant with him!"
"Close. When your town was told to make a cover-up for the Denver Broncos, what nobody but my unit knew is that the cover-up was a cover-up FOR a cover-up."
"What!?"
"No way!"
"Yes way Stan. Liane wanted to go to the dance, so she did. Terrance and Phillip also went in, but were being paranoid that their presence might blow our cover, so they disguised themselves as Americans. Jessica and I, being underage, just walked around a little and saw the town."
"Did you see any of our parents?"
"Hmm…I think we may have brushed by Stan's dad…I'm not sure. But anyway, as you already know, Cartman's mom was getting drunk as hell and in the process, having her way with just about everybody in there…including the Denver Broncos. After we went back to get her and Terrance and Phillip, they had one hell of a hangover. A few days later, Liane started to feel a little funny. She had these weird hunger cravings the likes of which the rest of us had never seen. We took her to a doctor and sure enough, she was pregnant."
"With me right?" Cartman inquired.
"Wrong. She didn't feel like she was ready to be a mother yet, so she went and got an abortion. Now we're getting into the part of the story that nobody but my unit knows…are you kids ready?"
One by one, and a little nervously, all the kids stated they were ready. Dylan continued.
"At one point during our trip, we ran into one of our old friends from The Agency. Her name was Diane and she was in Unit 23. She was quite surprised to see us and she told us that she was in quite a dilemma. Diane explained that the Broncos had recently visited her town and that she had intercourse with one of them. You see, when we were at The Agency, we were always strongly cautioned about interacting with total strangers, as you never knew if it was one of our enemies in disguise. Of course, we still needed to abide by that even after The Agency shut down. Remember Davenport?"
"Guy who wants Chemical Z?" Ike asked.
"Yes, him. Davenport was actually a member of The Agency during my unit's time there. But within our first year, Davenport had been exposed as a double agent, and he quickly fled America and started helping all our enemies. Sometimes one of the countries my unit would be sent to, he'd be hiding there. As many enemies as my unit faced, Davenport was the one we fought the most, and I'd typically be the one fighting him. Hence, my unit became his arch nemesis. Well even after The Agency shut down, we still hadn't captured him. He swore that he'd come back and find us all, even the other units. Davenport somehow had ties with the NFL during our road trip and Diane was worried that if word got out about how one of the Bronco's had fathered a child with her, Davenport would find us. Diane had found out that she was Davenport's primary target at that point, despite the fact that MY unit was his archenemy. Out of concern for the baby's safety, Diane asked Liane to be the adoptive mother of her baby, and she agreed."
"How did you do that? Did you just wait until it was born?"
"No, we had to act then and there. Diane was only two weeks pregnant, so using the technology from a secret government project nobody but The Agency knew about, code named 'Project Newborn', we were able to successfully transfer the necessary reproductive DNA into Liane's body, effectively making her pregnant…with Cartman."
Cartman just stood there for a whole entire minute, almost speechless.
"I was transported…to another woman's uterus…before I was even born!? FUCKING WEAK DUDE!" Cartman exclaimed.
"After Liane got pregnant, we made up a story about Diane having a miscarriage and informed the Bronco that impregnated her about the cover-up. He agreed to keep it a secret. Soon after, our road trip ended. We said our good-byes and promised to keep in touch, even though we couldn't do it that often since we had to keep our covers. Liane then moved to South Park after Cartman was born, thinking it would be the perfect place to raise her son and keep her cover. Once the two of you arrived in South Park, Liane got the whole town to make the second cover-up: That she had slept with the Denver Bronco."
"Jack Tenorman, right? That's who impregnated Diane?"
"That's right. Soon after, my family moved here, to Nexton, and I settled in quickly. Fearing for the lives of my family, new friends, and everyone else that lived here, I gathered all of my classmates that were in my grade and told them my story. I suggested we form a little underground operation of our own, a little miniature version of The Agency, to look out for ourselves and to fight evil. They all agreed, and I gave them all the training I had learned from my time at The Agency. In no time at all, everyone was practically as skilled as I was. Naturally of course, I was made leader of our group. And that's that."
"Just one more thing." Bebe asked. "How did Kenny get involved?"
"One night I had called Liane to see how she was. During our conversation, we both agreed that we needed somebody who could both keep an eye on South Park, since my fellow teammate was living there, and help out my operation at the same time. We decided on Kenny. So I brought Kenny to my underground base, told him my story, gave him the training I had learned from The Agency, and had him swear an oath to keep this all a secret. Believe me, it wasn't easy deciding who would be the kid to do the job."
"What do you mean? Who else was there?" Stan asked.
"Oh boy…Stan I'm REALLY sorry you have to know this but…you were a CLOSE second for the job."
Stan immediately became filled with rage. "WHAT!? How did I lose to Kenny!?"
"We figured that Kenny's immortality could really help."
"Immortality?"
"Don't any of you remember one of the hundreds of times he's died!?"
"Uh…no?" Stan answered.
"Oh. Never mind then."
"Hey wait a minute!" Kyle asked. "If Cartman's mom was friends with Terrace and Phillip, then why did she join Mothers Against Canada?"
"Hey yeah!" Butters also realized. "Why would she want to help kill her old teammates?"
"Because those weren't her old teammates." Dylan answered. "Once Terrance and Phillip were arrested, Liane joined M.A.C. in order to bus them out. She then arranged for two people who wanted to die to come in and take their place, and Terrance and Phillip went into hiding. However, you kids were smarter and braver than we thought, and for that I applaud you. Especially you Cartman. After you saved the imposters, the real Terrance and Phillip came back from hiding. To this day, nobody but people from The Agency knew about that. Anyway, that's the truth, all of it." Dylan sighed heavily. "Cartman…I'm so sorry you had to go through any of this."
"So this Diane…was my real mom?" Cartman asked.
"Yes."
"But then who…who is she? Do we know her!? Is she still out there!?"
"I can't tell you. Please understand guys, this is a matter of national security. And Diane…I'm sorry Cartman, but your real mother died shortly before you were born. We're not sure how, but we think Davenport had found her."
Upon hearing that his real mother was dead, Cartman almost began to cry. But a few seconds later, he went from sad to pissed off.
"WHERE'S KENNY!?"
Kenny was just about to enter the EOH underground base, when Cartman came running from behind him and punched him. Kenny immediately fell to the ground and got back up once he saw it was Cartman.
("Dude what the fuck!?")
"You son of an asshole Kenny!"
("What!?")
"The jig is up! Dylan told me all about how he was a government agent and how my mom isn't my mom!"
("He did-oh shit.")
"Tell me who my real mom is you dick face!"
("I can't do that!")
"Why the fuck not!?"
("For national security purposes! I don't even know who she is anyway! Go ask your mom or something!")
"Fine I will!" Cartman walked away, but not before making a vow. "But this isn't over Kenny! I will get you back!"
Later that night, Cartman sat patiently in his hotel room at the Nex waiting for his "mom" to show up. Liane finally entered the room, and was surprised to see him sitting on the bed staring very sternly at her.
"Hello mother." Cartman greeted her in a dark and serious tone.
"Uh…hello sweetie. What are-."
"Sit down mother."
"Eric, what is-?"
"Sit down!"
Liane sat down on an armchair opposite the bed.
"Mom, if you harbored a deep, dark secret that could change everything as we know it, would you care enough to tell your own son about it?"
"Huh?"
"Don't try and bullshit me mom! I know all about it! You were part of Unit 14, you know that asshole that Kyle is staying with, and you're not actually my mom!"
Liane gasped, knowing exactly what had happened. "Oh no…oh my God…Eric I-."
"No buts mom! Who's my real mom, huh!? Why didn't you tell me any of this!?"
Liane started to cry. "Eric…it was all to protect you, I swear! Please understand!"
"I don't care mom! Tell me the truth, NOW!"
Liane cried even harder. "Eric please! We have to go!" she pleaded through her tears. "Now that you know, we're not safe here!"
"NO! Tell me the truth!"
"Eric I can't!"
"Tell me anyway!"
"It doesn't matter right now!" came a voice from behind. Cartman turned around to see Dylan and Jessica standing in the doorway.
"Cartman, this is Jessica." Dylan introduced her.
"You two are assholes!"
"Nice to meet you to kid." Jessica replied sarcastically.
"Oh why did this have to happen?" Liane asked through her tears.
"Nice to see you again to. Terrance and Phillip are on their way. They should be here shortly. And you know we can't leave Liane. None of us can. Not now."
"But they know now and soon Davenport-."
"Yes, I know. But we can't just bail on everyone. The whole town's in danger, both mine and yours."
"Well screw you guys, I'm going home!" Cartman added, still very pissed off.
"You do realize that you're two time zones away from home right?" Dylan asked.
"Well I'm going somewhere! I'd rather kiss Kyle and Butters' ass then be with you assholes!"
"Cartman don't! We kind of need you right now!"
Cartman stormed out of the room and down the hallway, causing Dylan to go after him.
"Leave me alone!"
"Cartman listen! Everyone you care about is probably going to die! Don't you care!?"
"Everyone I know is a liar!"
"No they're not! Remember? The cover-up was also fake, and none of them knew it!"
"Why should I stay here and try to help protect my fake mom!?"
"Isn't there at least ONE other person from South Park you care about!?"
Cartman paused and thought long and hard about that. Eventually, he did think of someone.
"Well…there is…one person."
A/N: Wow…this chapter really got…deep. With that being said, I apologize if any of the subject matter of this chapter offended anyone. Please don't flame this if it did.
Anyways, the plot has officially thickened! Just who is this "Diane" person? You shall find out soon! Until then, please leave your feedback! :)