I know, I'm in the middle of writing 'Proven Guilty,' but this little oneshot was itching itself into my mind. Don't worry! I'll still be continuing my other story—and soon, at that!
Whiskey Lullaby is a song by Brad Paisley and features Alison Krauss. This is in Kyle's POV.
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She put him out, like the burning end of a midnight cigarette. She broke his heart. He spent his whole life trying to forget.
I watch you, as I do every day, as I've always done. You talk with Stan, pointing towards Cartman, and you both start laughing. Cartman turns to glare at you and hits you in the back of the head, but you still laugh, making another smart attic comment.
Now you elbow me, snapping me out of my thoughts. You whisper something in my ear I don't quite catch because my mind is still clouded from my thoughts about you. You laugh and I do too. I don't know why, but you seem to think it's funny, so I do, too, I guess. Cartman turns red and gets up to storm away.
"Stupid, poor-ass, son of a bitch…" he grumbled as he walks away.
I just shake my head, knowing he'll be back and that you'll never let those insults affect you.
We watched him drink his pain away, a little at a time. But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind. Until the night…
Stan elbows you in your side and points across the room at her. You smile widely and I can see a blush creep across your cheeks. How I love to see that innocent look on your face, your eyes twinkling with a mixture of nervousness and excitement. I wish you would look at me that way, but you never have and you never will. You're looking the other way.
"Go for it, dude." I hear Stan say to you.
You shake your head, unsure. At first, you say you've changed your mind, that you can't do it. I almost smile to myself—almost. But Stan pushes you forward, towards her, and she looks at you, smiling. She'll never smile at you the way I do. You smile back and gulp down your nervousness. You speak to her, look at her, in ways I could only wish for you to do to me.
I hate Stan for helping you.
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger. And finally drank away her memory. Life is short, but this time it was bigger than the strength he had to get up off his knees.
You ask her that one thing I've wished so many times that you would ask me. Can't you see how much I want you to turn and say that to me? Just look right here, where I am! I'm right here! Look at me damnit! Why won't you just look?
She shrugs her response, uninterested, waving it off like this was just some ordinary thing.
"Sure, why not," she tells you and you light up.
Why not? I could tell you so many fucking reasons 'why not'. But you wouldn't hear a single one of them. I know you wouldn't. Because you're too bust listening to her. Looking at her. Not me.
She walks away and you high-five Stan and smile at me before following her. I smile back at you, forced, unwilling. I feel my heart cracking, but I refuse to let it break. I absolutely refuse.
We found him with his face down in the pillow with a note that said "I'll love her 'till I die." And when we buried him beneath the willow, the angels sang a whiskey lullaby.
A few hours later, after school, I went searching for you. You promised we could walk home together. I was excited. I had been waiting to walk home with you all day. It's all I was looking forward to.
I turned a corner and stopped dead in my tracks. There you were, with her, kissing. You were kissing her, feeling her, staring into her eyes lovingly. I felt the crack in my heart grow, creating a ravine that made me want to jump into it. Tears pricked at my eyes, but I wouldn't allow you to see them.
You looked up at me, smiling goofily. You apologized and said you couldn't walk with me today. I told you I understood, smiling. Not smiling because you were with her, but smiling at you. Smiling because you were happy.
As soon as I turned away, however, I frowned. Tears started dripping onto the ground at my feet as I brushed past Stan. He tried asking me what was wrong, but I ignored him and just kept walking. That was all I could do. I ran the rest of the way home.
La la la la la la la, la la la la la la la. La la la la la la la, la la la la la la la.
I locked myself in my room and cried. Cried like there was no tomorrow because, for me, there was one. You didn't love me. There was no question about it now. The sun couldn't shine, the sky wasn't blue, the grass wasn't green, and you weren't with me. I just want to die.
Stan came to check on me, but I shot him down. I felt bad, sure, but I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. Do you have any idea how much you hurt me? Of course you don't. Because all you saw was me smiling at you. That's because you stopped looking at me. You just couldn't look and see.
I grabbed the knife and hurt myself with it, just for you. All for you. Only for you. Because all I ever did was for you.
I waited and waited and you know what? You never came. You never came to check on me, see if I was alright—which I wasn't. It just opened the wound in my heart; helped the crack grow. I had to of been bleeding.
The rumors flew, but nobody knew how much she blamed herself. For years and years, she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath.
I didn't go to school the next day. I couldn't bare seeing you and smiling again. I couldn't bare seeing you smiling at her as she blankly smiled back. I couldn't bare to…to see her kiss you again.
Stan didn't come and check on me this time. I think he got the message the day before. I just wanted to be alone, in silence, because I could no longer smile at you, so I cried for you. I cried and didn't stop because it was all I knew what to do at the time and when I finally stopped crying, someone knocked at my door.
That someone was you. You were crying.
She finally drank her pain away; a little at a time. But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind. Until the night…
I grabbed you and held you in my arms as you sobbed, telling me that she cheated on you. I know, it's alright. Sshh…it'll all be alright for you. Not for me, but you're all that matters.
It hurts me to see you this way, as I'm covering up my own scars caused by you. I know exactly how you feel, but you don't know that. You sigh and talk about killing yourself, saying horrible things about yourself that I know aren't true, saying that nobody could ever love you. I want to scream at you. Tell you how wrong you are. But I doubt you would listen, you never do. I'm not supposed to do that. I'm just supposed to sit here and comfort you into silence.
I'm just supposed to make you happy, regardless of myself, because you're all that matters.
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger and finally drank away his memory. Life is short, but this time it was bigger, than the strength she had to get up off her knees.
You finally look up at me as I'm holding you and drifting off. I never took notice my sleeve end pulled up. You take my arm and ask me why. Why did I do this? Because of you, but I can't tell you that. I could never tell you that. So I lie. I tell you it's because of Stan—that I loved him, but I love you, and that he never notices it, when it's you who never notices.
You nod your head in understanding—you don't understand and you never will. You're the one to hold me now and I bury my head deep into your neck, refusing to let you see me cry. When you pull away, I smile and thank you, even if I don't mean it. You smile back, happy to help. You've always been a great guy like that.
We found her with her face down in the pillow, clinging to his picture for dear life. We laid her next to him beneath the willow, while the angels sing a whiskey lullaby.
You bring your lips to mine and my eyes widen, but I accept. How could I not? I know you'll regret this in the morning, that I'm not who you really want, that you're just pretending—wishing—for me to be her. You're probably thinking that I'm wishing that you're Stan, but I'm not. You're exactly who I want you to be.
You push me gently down onto the bed and trail kisses down my neck, feeling me, smiling at me. You kiss me again as I comply numbly.
And I smiled back, even though you will never see it.
La la la la la la la, la la la la la la la… La la la la la la la, la la la la la la la... La la la la la la la, la la la la la la la.