TRASH FIC ALERT (sorry not sorry)

I don't know that this could actually be considered smut but. Here we are.

In my world, this would be canon, but to the real world, it shit.

All mistakes are mine, because I'm betaless at the moment.

Alistair POV

"Alistair…"

I glanced up at my little blond lover as I pulled my shirt over my head, smiling to try and ease his nerves. His eyes were wide and dark and his face was flushed; embarrassed or afraid, I wasn't sure. He was rather unwilling to undress in front of me, still sitting on the bed in jeans and a long sleeve shirt, his fingers shoved under his thighs as nervously chewed his bottom lip. I leant forward, kissing the top of his head. "I'll go slowly, I promise."

He offered me an anxious smile that fell quickly, catching my hand and holding it when I tried to touch him.

Pressing my lips against his, I pushed him back against the mattress, making him emit a nervous squeak. He looked so worried as I undid his belt, pulling his shirt up, that I stopped, planting a kiss on his forehead as I knelt over him. "You have to take your clothes off, Carlisle," I chided, shaking my head at him. "It doesn't work like that."

He was holding onto my hands again, preventing me from going any further. "Go slowly…" he pleaded, his fingers white from squeezing mine so hard.

"I've already promised you that." This time when I leant in to kiss him, he opened my mouth to allow my tongue access but tensed when I touched his clothing again. "Come on," I urged, rubbing the tops of his arms. I was getting desperate now and it was becoming harder not to rush. The nervous looks Carlisle kept giving me were almost enough of a reminder to behave myself.

With shaking hands, he wriggled out of his jeans, finally letting me pull his shirt off. "Alistair…"

"Go slowly, I know, Carlisle. It's okay." I stayed with him for a while, trying to get him to focus on kissing me and not on my hands. Part of me wondered if we should have decided on a safe word beforehand, but now I had him I didn't want to scare him. "Tell me if you need a break," I told him instead, smiling despite wanting to scream.

He nodded slowly, his hands on my waist now. His fingers dug into my skin as I began preparation, sinking his teeth into his lip deep enough that it bled. "…This is sin…"

I couldn't help it, glancing up at him and unable to restrain a laugh. "We're going to hell anyway, aren't we?"

"But…what if we're not-" He cut himself off and was forced to start again, but I couldn't tell if the distraction was pain or pleasure. "What if we're not, but because o-of this t-then…Jesus, Alistair," he cursed. The mild profanity brought me closer to the edge, and now I was definitely rushing, trying to calm him at the same time.

"Think, Carlisle. Sex between a man and a woman has a specific purpose, yes?" I could barely concentrate, badly wanting to just get on with it.

"Yes…"

"But, being immortals, sex is only for pleasure, is it not? There is no biological gain from the act."

He nodded again, this time more timidly.

"Then why would God give a shit what we're doing now? We both get the same experience as if we were with women."

Carlisle didn't look convinced by my argument at all. In fact, he seemed even more discouraged. But he let it slide, reached up to kiss me again.

"Ready?" I asked urgently. My voice sounded strange and the second he hesitated felt like a life time.

"…Yes…" It was barely a whisper.

That was all the encouragement I needed, and my willpower faltered as I pushed into him, a little faster than we both anticipated, forcing an almost silent whimper out of him.

"Fuck," he hissed under his breath, his fingers starting to hurt where he was touching me. I was sure I wasn't supposed to have heard the curse, but it put me into some kind of frenzy. I was only vaguely aware that was hurting Carlisle, and that he was most likely frightened.

"You have to relax, Carlisle, or it's going to hurt," I warned, kissing the base of his neck.

He couldn't, of course, but he didn't complain.

I was done for, but at the same time as my release he whispered for me to stop. I kissed him gently, trying to get him to calm down a little, before carefully removing myself. As soon as I got off him he was getting dressed again, his cheeks pink. Assuming it would make him more comfortable, I pulled my pants back on too.

He sat on the edge of the mattress, his head in his hands. "I-I'm sorry, Alistair…"

I wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling him back into my lap. "You did just fine," I promised, kissing his cheek. "I should be the one that's sorry. I didn't listen and I knew you were scared." Pressing my lips against his collarbone, I hugged him a little tighter. "Are you alright?"

He nodded, resting his head on my shoulder as our breathing started to regulate again. "Now you have to finish your end of the deal," he mumbled.

Crap. I'd almost forgotten. "Let's get this over with then," I grumbled, starting to stand up.

He held onto me, shaking his head. "Not right now."

"Why not?" Hunting a damn animal was not something I wanted to put off if I could just get it over and done with.

But Carlisle wasn't having it and shifted uncomfortably. "You know damn well why."

Laughing, I brought our lips together again. "I'm sorry. Later it is, then."