Author's Note:
It's an unrequited love story, one-shot, drabble about Tonks' love for Remus and how his rejection has affected her attitude on herself. Set in HBP before the Battle in the Astronomy Tower, but after Tonks is at Hogwarts on the first day.
Rated M for a tiny bit of harsh language.
DISCLAIMER: I think I'm J. K. Rowling, but my psychologist begs to differ. (Am I funny yet?)
Please review for my sanity. As you can see by my disclaimer, there isn't much left.
"You are absolutely nothing, Tonks," said the girl whose usual vibrant pink hair was a mousy brown mess. She was softly speaking to the reflection staring back at her with saddened eyes in her room in the Burrow. The Weasleys were kind enough to let her stay, because Molly Weasley took pity in the troubled girl, and wanted to help her come out of this despair. Despite all efforts, Molly hadn't cracked Tonks out of her gloomy nature, forcing the girl to wallow in self pity. "You are so much of a nothing that you can't even call yourself by your real name."
Nymphadora Tonks had surrendered to the unnerving battle of depression. The man she loved, Remus John Lupin, had rejected the idea of the two of them ever becoming a couple. It was harsh. She loved him for who he was, and this affection was unconditional. She knew about his lycanthropy and accepted it whole-heartedly. She understood that his condition left him jobless and homeless, yet she could not care the slightest bit. He was older than she, and the stress he underwent from the full moon advanced his age in appearance. But age did not matter to her; it was only a number. None of these things made a difference to the desire growing in her heart. She knew they could sort out the differences if they tried a relationship, none of his problems changed her love for Remus. Unfortunately, Remus thought otherwise and refused to become involved with Tonks.
"It's probably because you are the ugliest fucker he has ever laid eyes upon," she bitterly snapped to the mirror, believing every last word she spoke. If Remus' rejection didn't leave her in this endless pit of depression, she could be his dream girl, the perks of being a Metamorphmagus. She could have long, curly brown hair, or short, choppy blue hair, if that was what he wanted. She was more of a fan of a short purple or pink look, because her light brown, shoulder length hair positively disgusted her, but she would do whatever it took to win Remus' approval. She was average in weight and height, but she knew that she could easily adjust her curves in a more attractive manner. She would even stoop to the level of changing her breast size just to make him happy. Unfortunately for Nymphadora, unless she could find a way to make herself happy, she would not be able to change to his likings; the sulky sadness left her unable to properly adjust her style, forcing her to wear the image with which she was born. She was absolutely appalled by this natural look that it brought her to tears.
"You have absolutely no idea how much I hate you!" Tonks screamed to the reflection, regardless of the fact that her tears blurred her vision as she looked at herself. "You are disgusting and horrible. He's never going to love a downright ugly fuck like you." She could have told herself this a thousand times a day, and she most likely did, but she still shed her tears for Remus, for his love and for his approval. She longed to be accepted for who she was, a result of constantly changing her appearance to be liked by others. But no one else's opinion mattered anymore. She longed to be loved by the man that could never love her back, no matter how hard she tried. "You can't even love yourself. How would Remus ever love you?" Her rhetorical question was spoken in a soft voice due to the uncontrollable weeping that crashed through Tonks.
"I hate you," Tonks repeated several times to the mirror, truly believing herself. She continued crying until a soft tapping was heard from outside of her door. It's probably just Molly looking to talk, she thought, as she worked to calm herself. Although her voice was shaky, she shouted, "Door's unlocked, Molly." She was wiping away her tears with the sleeve of her sweater as the door opened. When she noticed that the figure in the doorway was not Mrs. Weasley, her heart sank down to her stomach. "O- Oh, Remus?" she said quietly when she realized that she assumed wrong. She lowered her eyes away from his for fear of what he would say about her behavior.
"Molly wanted me to let you know that dinner will be ready soon. Is everything alright?" Remus asked earnestly, looking at the young woman with genuine concern.
Tonks assumed that he had heard everything she shouted at herself when he came to get her. Not wanting to talk to the man who caused all of this, she simply replied, "I'm fine, Lupin," eyes still focused on the floor.
Remus was not going to take that as an answer. "I heard your shouting, and I choose to believe you are not alright. I'm sorry for my decision. Honestly. You don't need a man like me. You are a young woman that could find any good man out there. Don't waste your time on a werewolf. I can't put that kind of torture on your shoulders, Nymphadora. Please understand that."
But Tonks didn't understand. He was the good man she wanted. She knew Remus was the one. No past lover has ever left her this emotional, and she and Remus hadn't even formed a connection like that. She couldn't bear knowing that he couldn't take her. As tears threatened to spill from her eyelids once more, she looked up to the man and stated rather harshly, "Don't you dare call me that. I hate that name. Get out. Now. And tell Molly I'm not very hungry." As she spoke, she pushed Remus out the door, unable to hold back her emotions any longer.
As tears fell down Nymphadora's cheeks, she grabbed her wand from her back pocket and muttered the spell to lock her door. Sitting down on her bed, she allowed her crying to increase to sobbing, for she could not hold back on the pain that was eating away at her. "Expecto Patronum," said Tonks as she struggled to find a happy memory to produce the spell. After several failed attempts, she was able to calm down and perfect the spell. A silvery wisp was emitted from her wand, soon followed by a wolf of that same color. Her patronus changed as another result of her depression, but this was an effect that she didn't mind all too much. She knew it was heart wrenching, because she knew that Remus, the wolf, would never be hers. Her newly shaped Patronus was bittersweet, something she came to believe as the wolf danced around her. It was the only wolf that she could ever call hers, and the only wolf that focused his attention on her. The more she thought about it, the more she became miserable, until finally her unhappiness took the creature away from her, leaving her locked in her room with tears spilling once more as she realized that she would be forever alone. She could never have the man she wanted.