Disclaimer: None of the characters herein are mine. I am making no money off of this.
Warning: Some slash. Nothing *too* graphic! Er...many pairings. Severus/Remus. Lucius/Remus. Remus/Peter.
Dedication: For Chris, even though we got into a little bit of a fight last night. Everything worked itself out, it was just a miscommunication!
Author's Note: I have no idea where this story came from. It's sort of confusing in parts, and it's rather long. But it's just the beginning! Takes place in Harry's fifth year, but the journal entries are all dated. I've been channeling Remus recently...
Past, Present, and Future
It was a journal. That much was obvious. *Whose* journal it was, however, Harry had yet to decipher. It wasn't either of his parents, the handwriting didn't match. And from the few lines he read, it didn't seem to match either of them. But it had been in with his fathers things. Could it have been one of his friends? Or a relative? Harry didn't know if he had had any aunts or uncles on his fathers side..
//I probably shouldn't read it...// He thought to himself. But he opened the journal and read the first entry anyway.
Dec 22, 1972
Well, another Christmas and Mama and Papa have asked me to stay at school. Again. It shouldn't come as too big a surprise. After four years, I guess I've gotten used to it. And it's not going to be bad. Not this year. I'm not going to be all by myself, like usual. Not that I'm complaining...if my friends have families that love them, good for them. What can I say? 'My father's an arse...stay with me!' I think not.
I shouldn't say it's *lucky* that Sev's family doesn't much care if he goes home or stays...but it makes things easier for me. It'll be nice to actually spend Christmas with someone else. Who isn't a teacher. Or a first year. Or pathetic.
I still haven't told anyone about Sev and myself. I just can't bring myself to. I know it's stupid, they aren't going to care. Well...Peter won't care. I don't think. I don't know. And there would be why I haven't said anything. Yes there's the whole 'you can tell us anything' aspect to our friendship, but there's only so much that will be tolerated. Inhumanity...all right. Anal retentiveness...dealable. Obsessive compulsism...eventually accepted. Sleeping with the enemy?
Not that Sev's the enemy. Voldemort's the enemy. Voldemort happened to be a slytherin. Sev's a slytherin. I hate that that's the way their minds work. Sev is a slytherin. In their eyes, that means he is manipulative, underhanded, deceitful, hateful, and incapable of any decent human emotion. Well, continuing with that theory, let's catagorize me.
I must be: brave, loyal, honest, pure-hearted, strong and relentless. I'm hardly brave. I hate confrontations, and I avoid them at all cost. Loyal...well, yes. But I can chalk that up to my nature, not my personality traits. Or are they the same thing? Pure hearted...after the other night in the Astronomy Tower, I don't think the word 'pure' can ever be used to describe me again. No, we didn't have sex. I'm not ready for that yet. We almost did though. I just...I don't know. I want it to be a bit more romantic then wedged between some old boxes in an unused room. But we did get a little experimental. He used his mouth in ways I never thought were possible. Well, hygienically possible.
Anyway, so pure is out of the question. Strong...of will and body, yes. Honest? I'm hiding a relationship from my best friends! I hid *myself* from my friends, lied, made up excuses, and did everything to cover up the truth. Honest I am not. And relentless...I back down rather easily. I gripe about it in my head later, but I do back down. So I don't think you can sum someone up just by what House they're in.
God, this is messed up. I've gotten myself into an awful mess, and I don't know how to get out. I *think* I'm falling in love with him. I don't know. I've never been in love before, how would I? But I feel something inside, when he looks at me. There's something about his eyes. I know I went on and on about his eyes in one of the last entries in my last journal, but I honestly think they're his best feature. They're so deep and black and penetrating...
I wish I knew how to tell if I were just infatuated or not. No. I'm not infatuated. *Infatuated* is Peter. He's hopeless. But I do *not* follow Sev around, sighing and making calve's eyes. Our relationship is a very deep one. A special one. That I can't share with anyone. I tried telling Raoul about it, but he hardly listens to me at all anymore. I swear Papa's poisoning him.
Raoul. Does anyone else in the family get the horrid irony? I'm named after a divine rower, he's a noble wolf. I honestly don't think it's fair. Or maybe it is. He gets the name, but I get the nature. I know he got Etienne from Papa, and I got Jeoffroi from...
It's as if they *knew*. The knew I'd be the disappointment, so they just didn't put as much effort into me. Raoul's the favored one. I thought the youngest was supposed to be the spoiled one. I wish.
Sev understands. He has to live in the shadow of his brothers as well. And he doesn't even have a handy handicap to fall back on...
Aha! Speaking of honesty and my handicap...I haven't told him about it yet. I wanted to...but we were having so much fun! And afterwards, there was no way I could manage to be coherent enough to engage in that discussion. I will though, I swear! Ah well. It's late, and I have some studying to do. I'll have more soon!
Remi
One entry had gone on for three whole pages! Whoever's journal this was, they were quite a writer. And they used the sort of wording that was more commonly found in novels. Or possibly newspapers. And from what Harry could tell, the writer seemed to be French. And possibly female.
//They must have gone to school with my mum and dad.// It was getting late. Harry tucked the journal under his pillow, and crawled into bed. He supposed he could give the journal to Sirius. That would probably be the smartest thing to do. But what harm was there in reading just a little? The owner obviously didn't want it, if it had been in with his father's old school things. And it was from so long ago...
He rolled over, listening to the sounds of Ron snoring softly in the next bed. He was anxious to read more of the journal, but he needed to sleep. The next day was Sunday. He would have plenty of time to read then...
Dec. 24, 1972
Christmas eve. Sev's sleeping, right beside me in the bed. I can't put into words how wonderful this feels! Well, wonderful and sore.
Yes. We finally did it. I slept with him. And it was perfect, even if we weren't entirely sure what we were doing. He was amazing! What is it about him, that make's him so sexy? His eyes. Has to be his eyes. They get *so* dark when he's aroused. And his lips. They're thin, but talented. And his hands...he has an artists hands. A poet hands.
I can't believe I'm not a virgin anymore! I have to share this with *someone*! I'm going to tell Raoul, as soon as I see him. I hope he has a good Christmas. At home. With Mama and Papa. And not me.
I hate this! I should be happy. It's Christmas eve, and I have Sev, and I don't need my stupid family. But I do. Why does Raoul get everything?
It's like that time, when we had the awful storm. It was the new moon, and Papa *knows* how weak I am then. But I had to clear a path to the barn, and Raoul had to study. Because he's a Ravenclaw. There's the whole House classing again. It's little things like that that really upset me. And food. He *knows* what my dietary needs are. Does he recognize them? No. How many times has it been: "Papa...we haven't had any red meat in weeks. I really need some..." "You'll live on poultry, boy." Not healthily! At least Raoul makes an effort.
But that's neither here nor there. Sev is. I still can't believe it! It hurt like anything, but that's all right. I think that's normal. I did bleed a little bit, but not too badly. And he was so nice about it! And the way he said my name when he came...I' m shuddering just thinking about it.
I know he says he's never had anyone before me, but the way he is...I swear he's had experience. Or maybe he's just talented. I don't know what to do. We wanted to keep this very casual, but I can't. I have such strong feelings for him. He's perfect. I can't imagine ever loving anyone else. Not like this.
Does he love me? He's never said it, but he doesn't talk much about his feelings. He's been hurt, he's admitted that much. I just wish I knew by who, and how. He never talks about his brother, only in passing. Sebastian graduated two years previously. His younger brother hasn't started yet. It must be hard, being in the middle. Does he love me? I can't exactly ask. And I don't want to actually *say* it, not until I know he's going to say it back. It would be horribly awkward, otherwise.
He's awake now. And looking at me. He's still naked. I love looking at him. And now he's asking me what I'm doing, and calling me foolish. He's always calling me foolish. And maudlin. But I know he doesn't say them to be mean. They're terms of endearment.
He wants to make love again. Who am I to say no? Write again, I promise!
-Remi
There was one more point towards he author being a woman. Harry had a sudden fear that it was his mothers journal. But no. His mother's name was Lily. Not Remi. Or Jeoffroi. Whichever the author's name was. Nor did she have any brothers.
//This is too bizarre.// He was sitting in the library, on excuse of studying. He hadn't told anyone about the journal. It was a very private thing, for some reason. Harry rested his head on his hands, and turned the page for the next entry.
Dec 30, 1972
I have to tell them. Sirius has started getting...intrusive. Always asking where I am, who I'm with, what I'm doing. And he's glaring. James tells him to just leave me alone. Peter tells him it's none of his business. Ah...sweet little Peter.
I finally broke down and told him. I needed to tell someone, and Raoul wasn't listening. I *did* try to talk to him. When he came back from Christmas break, I tried. I asked if we could talk, and he sighed and got defensive, assuming it was about the family. I told him it was personal, and he agreed. I told him it was about Sev, and he just shook his head and told me it was my own mess to deal with. Ever since he became a prefect, Raoul has been insufferable.
Anyway, I told Peter. I felt awful doing it, but I had to. He just sort of nodded, and said that he figured something like that was up. *He* didn't care, but he knew Sirius would go banana's when he found out. And he would find out, one way or another. And James probably wouldn't be too happy either.
Nothing new to me. So the question is, what do I do? When did my life become like those daytime programs the muggles like so much? When I started seeing Sev, of course.
And then there's that. Peter agreed. Not telling = bad. I have to fess up, to everything! And I will. I just have to find the time. Lately, all I've really wanted to do with Sev is make love and let him hold me. Somehow I just can't find the words. Brave. No, Papa, I'm not brave. But Peter told me I just had to find my courage, and I will. I'll tell James and Sirius about Sev first off, and then tell Sev...Peter's offered to be there. I took him up on it, I'm going to need all the support I can manage!
-Remi
Harry paused for a moment, adjusting his glasses. He was noticing a slightly disturbing pattern. He had found mentions of his father, of Sirius, and of Peter. No mention of Professor Lupin. He flipped back through the previous entries, his breath coming quickly. Now it was obvious. This was his old professors journal.
//Oh...oh!// Harry made a face, not sure exactly how he felt now. The things written in the journal were extremely personal. He had read about...//Oh man! Why did he have to write about his sex life in here?//
//I shouldn't keep on reading. I really should give it to Sirius, so he can send it to Lupin. That would be the right thing to do.// Harry sighed. He would have a hard time looking the older man in the eye, now. He felt almost as if he was spying. But a sick part of him *had* to read on...
Jan. 29, 1973
It's been a while. Mainly because I've been a complete wreck! Oh sure...fess up to everything! Now I remember why I *hadn't* !!!!!! Because everything went to hell!!!!
James took things okay. Sirius acted like I told him I was a death eater! He screamed, and threw things, and yelled, and had to be held back and calmed down. I cried. Peter comforted me, and I just buried my head in his shoulder and wailed. Sirius *eventually* calmed down. He wouldn't look at me though, wouldn't even talk to me. We aren't talking now, but that's my choice.
Sirius is an idiot. And Peter is weak. He came to me immediately, confessing he had told Sirius all he knew. Sirius was oddly calm after that, and I knew nothing good would come of it. And nothing did. He told Sev. Well...not so much told, as *showed*! What was wrong with him? What went through his head? Was he dropped on it when he was a child? That's not the sort of thing a sane person does! It's what demented criminals do!
That's the worst. Sev and I are not together anymore. It's not as bad as it could have been. We still have a *tentative* friendship. What the worst part is, is that it's all my fault.
Sev didn't break up with me because of what I am. He broke up with me for not telling him. And not even that! I think he said something like this:
"By hiding what you are, you're denying yourself. And if you deny yourself, you can never be happy with yourself, or love yourself. And you can hardly expect anyone else to do the same. You'll only ever live half a life, unless you accept yourself."
Well, that's all well and good, but he has no idea what it's like to be me! Yes I deny myself! I'm sorry, I don't want to be a horrific monster. But I do understand what he's saying. I just can't. So what if I hide what I am? I'd rather hide, then deal with the sort of hate and prejudice I get. And I do get it, from my own damn family! Not everyone's going to accept me with open arms!
Oh well. There's still a chance. Sev just says he has some trust issues with me now, and that I have to work out my own issues. I hate Sirius.
-Remi
//he was little bit of a drama queen...// Harry frowned. It must have been hard, growing up as a werewolf. Harry had never really given it much thought. And Sirius...it looked like Sirius wasn't very good at keeping it a secret. But in a way, Harry understood what Lupin's old boyfriend had said. If he was ashamed of himself, that meant there was something to be ashamed of.
//he's just a werewolf.// But Harry hadn't been raised with the same set of values that most wizards were. And Lupin obviously had been. And from what he had written, his father wasn't too happy about what he had become.
//I never knew he had a brother...they seem sort of close.// Harry bit his lower lip, torn between reading on and closing the journal for good.
//You've read this much, you have to read more!// He took a deep breath, almost afraid of continuing on...
Feb. 4, 1973
I have some bad news. Raoul is dropping out of school, to join the Aurors. Papa is not happy. Never thought he'd be angry at Raoul. He sent a howler and everything. Raoul wants to fight the good fight. He's angry and disgusted at what's going on, and he wants to help stop it. We all do, but dropping out of school in his last year? It's the stupidest thing he can do.
And more bad news: Peter's been getting worse. I feel so badly...I'm just worried that I'll take advantage of him. I'm alone and hurting, and he's there. It would be so easy to take solace in him. But it would be wrong.
I wonder if Raoul's little mistake will gain me any favor with Papa? Probably not...
-Remi
Harry wasn't entirely sure what exactly Peter had to do with anything. So Lupin's brother hd dropped out...were you allowed to drop out of Hogwarts? Harry wasn't sure. Well, obviously you could, if Raoul had. Raoul. What sort of name was Raoul anyway?
Feb 11, 1973
He really did it. He really dropped out. He didn't even go home, he just left. I'm worried. I don't know why. I hate this. I hate war. And everyone's so paranoid, and looking over their shoulder...we can't live afraid. That's the worst thing we can do.
I'm on speaking terms with Sirius again. I just wish he were smarter. He's too stupid for me to stay mad at him for long.
I miss Raoul. I didn't realize how much he actually did listen to me. Its hard to talk to Severus now. I try, but there's this awkward tension between us now. There's too much of what we had. It makes me nervous and him snappy. But at least he does listen. Sort of. And Peter touches me too much. He's my friend. I can't use him to get over Sev. I want to though. I just need something, anything to help me...
-Remi
Well, that was what Peter had to do with things. //Ew...// Harry shuddered, imagining Peter having sexual feelings for anyone. It wasn't a pleasant thought.
//Lupin doesn't seem to have a very high opinion of Sirius...// Harry frowned. He had been under the impression they were close friends. Of course, it seemed like a rough time in the professor's life. Harry's mind seemed to be glazing over some things, and focusing in on others.
//It doesn't look like there are to many mor entries...//
Feb 20, 1973
I did a Stupid Thing. A Very Stupid Thing. I needed to get over Sev. Badly. That clouded my judgement. I got into a bit of a verbal spar with Lucius Malfoy. He's a complete and total bastard. It came to fists, and then...I don't know. I ended up sleeping with him. I still can't believe it. I feel disgusting. I let him touch me!
It was good sex, though. Nothing at all like what Sev and I shared. It was very fast and rough, but it was satisfying. And it did what I needed it to, got me over Sev. I had my rebound, now I can try a real relationship again. Maybe I will give Peter a chance. I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore. Things seem to be falling apart lately. I wish things were so much different...
-Remi
//Ew! Gross!// As far as Harry could tell, Professor Lupin had had no taste whatsoever. //Malfoy? That's just sick!// Harry shuddered, his mind bringing up images he really wished it wouldn't. //That was a Stupid Thing! And a Bad Thing!// Harry wanted to throw up. He would *definitely* not be able to look Lupin in the eyes again...
April 9, 1973
Well, I thought things were bad a month or so ago. Severus is dating Lucius. At least he had the balls to tell me. He didn't even try to hide it. I swear Lucius is only with him to upset me. He gives me this nasty look al the time now, especially when he's with Sev. And he always makes a big deal out of touching him. Stupid bastard.
I haven't heard from Raoul since he left.
-Remi
April 20, 1973
It's hard to find time to write. Sirius and I are back on good terms. I'm with Peter, though I don't really know why. He's nice and he's sweet, and he's eager in bed. But I don't really want to be with him. I'm being selfish, but I can't help it! I need to be selfish. James keeps telling me things will work out.
-Remi
//This is traumatizing!// But Harry kept reading. It was like a car crash. It was sick and twisted, but he couldn't tear his eyes away. And there was only one more entry...
June 1, 1973
I'm home now. I wish I had stayed at school. Papa had some terrible news for me. Raoul is dead. He died a few weeks ago, but no one told me. No one told me. Papa waited until I came home. My brother died, and my own father didn't even bother to write me to tell me!
He was killed by Death Eaters. He was tortured and killed. He wanted to do good, and look where it got him. Dead.
Why? Why couldn't he have waited? He would be alive right now. I want to do good, too, but I'm only sixteen! What can I do? Nothing. I don't know enough, I don't have enough skill.
Papa's different. He's worse then ever to me. I'm trying to grieve, to mourn, to come to grips with all of this, and all he can do it yell at me! Does he think that I'm not upset? Does he think that I don't miss Raoul? If anyone should be upset, it should be me!
My brother is dead. I just can't believe it. Dead. I'm never going to see him again. I didn't even get to go to the funeral. Why? Because I didn't know. I didn't even get to say goodbye. He was my brother! Just because Papa hates me, doesn't mean that everyone else does. Raoul loved me, even though I'm diseased.
I'm not going to let them win. They can't. There's too much bad in this world. Raoul didn't deserve to die. He didn't do anything wrong. None of us did. This whole thing is stupid. But they won't win. They just can't.
-Remi.
Harry closed the journal. //They didn't even tell him?// He felt ill. That a parent could do something like that...
//Poor Lupin...// No wonder he always looked so sad and tired. Harry tucked the journal under his arm, feeling ashamed and enlightened. *Now* he would give it to Sirius. His godfather was currently staying at the school, for a week or two at least. Harry made his way to his godfathers rooms, and knocked hesitantly. He didn't know what Sirius would do, if he knew Harry had read the journal.
"Just a minute!" Sirius did not sound happy. In fact, he sounded down right angry. //Great. Perfect time...//
"What?" Sirius growled, opening the door. The look on his face caused Harry to take a step back. But the older man's eyes softened when he saw his godson. "Harry...hey." He scrubbed a hand through his hair-which was now shaggy and thick, and fell in waves to below his chin. "Caught me at sort of a bad time.."
"I can come back later!" Harry said quickly, his heart dislodging itself from his throat.
"No, actually, you can come on in." Sirius gave Harry a tired smile. But his face turned cold again as he turned back to the room, and Harry saw why. Sirius wasn't alone. "If you'll excuse me Snape, my godson needs me."
"Mmm." The sullen faced potions professor gave Harry a contemptuous look.
"But you better think about what I said." Sirius glared at the other man. "I mean it."
"I will make no promises I do not intend to keep." Snape swept out of the room, and Harry was left wondering what that had all been about.
"Bastard..." Sirius mumbled under his breath, before turning back to Harry. "Now what's up?"
"Er..." He didn't know where to start. He looked around Sirius' s room, which was rather stark. He sighed, and finally just held out the thin, leather bound book to Sirius. 'It was in with my dad's things..."
"Oh?" Sirius took it, and looked at the cover before flipping through it. "This is one of Remus' journals..."
"I know." Harry flushed, feeling as if he had been caught doing something naughty.
"Oh?" Sirius closed it, and set it down.
"I...I didn't realize what it was." Harry frowned. "I didn't mean to read it..."
"You read it?" Sirius sighed. "That must have been interesting. Remus...he had an interesting adolescence." It sounded like Sirius was having trouble finding the way to explain it. "He was...he was a lot different then he is now."
"Yeah." Harry nodded. "Definitely different."
"Do I even want to know what era of his tragic youth that little volume is from?" Sirius asked, his lips quirking up in a bit of a smile.
"The last entry was when his brother died." Harry felt a little uncomfortable talking about it.
"Ah. Fifth year." Sirius nodded. "Oh...oh!" He suddenly had a look of panic. "Shit." He sighed, and took a deep breath. "Look, harry...don't tell Remus you read this, okay? That...fifth year was a tough one for him."
"I know." Harry fixed his eyes on Sirius. "That's when you two had your big fight."
"Uh...yeah." Sirius wouldn't meet Harry's eyes. "It was a long time ago, Harry. A really long time ago. It's over and done with, and Remi and I are over it. But...he's really sensitive about what happened in school. Not just fifth year, all of it."
"He didn't have a happy life, did he?"
"No." Sirius shook his head. "He really didn't. But...he didn't try and make it any better, either. I'm not putting him down or anything, he was a kid. Hind sight's perfect, you know. But...I'll make sure he gets this. And we just won't talk about it."
"Okay." Harry nodded. "It's just...if I see him again, it's going to be weird."
"You have no idea." Sirius gave a nervous chuckle. "He's going to be here in about a day."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~