A/N: Just a sad little idea that hit me while I've been on my Harry Potter kick. Yeah...
This is a very AU song-inspired piece concerning what might have happened if Remus had never given in to Tonks. Please enjoy :) Characters by Rowling, music by AFI. :)
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Tonks' eyes were dry now. She'd grown tired of tears, especially those shed for thick-headed werewolves. It was tiring and was hardly worth her time. She'd let him have it in the hospital wing, but as he had not followed her it was apparent there was no mercy from Remus for her. Not on this issue. He was too caught up in his own worries, too self-conscious to love her. Tonks dried the area around her eyes for the last time and glanced into the glimmering water of the twins' swamp with a shy smile. Brown still dominated her hair, but the resolution in her body seemed to have at least caused some change as the edges of her hair, which- while not pink- began to move to a simple white similar to Dumbledore's color.
Very fitting.
"I'm finished," she whispered to her reflection. "I can handle this on my own."
With that single thought, Tonks walked from the halls and apparated into the room she had been using while on duty. It was simple, but held enough amenities to feel like a home. Tonks sighed as she curled onto her bed and closed her eyes, sleeping soundly after the long events of the day. It felt good to rest, to be at ease; for once, her dreams were not tempered by sadness, did not include wolf growls. When she woke, her hair had gone to the pitch black so often seen in her family, with pleading gray eyes that she recognized immediately when she looked in the mirror as having belonged to Sirius.
It didn't make her cry. Instead, it made her realize she could, in fact, be whole again. Tonks would always love Remus deeply, and her patronus would remain the wolf until the day she perished, but it did not have to cause her such pain. The memories of their time together would bring her through, but the cutting sensations that flowed with that could fade in time. She breathed in deeply, deciding it would be quite fine if Remus left her alone for all times as unloveable, so long as he understood she would think of her with everything inside of her- until her dying moment, she would truly belong to him.
This is what I brought you
This you can keep
This is what I brought
You may forget me
I promise to depart
Just promise one thing
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep
Remus watched Tonks throughout Dumbledore's funeral, eyes only leaving her at the moments it became necessary. She stood beside her mother, there as one of the former students paying respects toa great headmaster. Her hair was a mixture of pitch black and its former pink glory, making Remus sigh in relief. She didn't seem to be pining anymore, had gotten over her belief he was right for her...
That was best. Remus could care for Tonks, even love her, but only in private. He wasn't right for her. She needed a man to match her exuberance, somebody more like Sirius had been, or one of the Weasley boys. Best that she should forget about the old werewolf she had befriended and move along with her life. Seeing Tonks happy would be enough for Remus Lupin. Within the memories they had made he had found what he desired to make him happy; that would get him through a lifetime of sorrows if they must.
Tonks would be better off this way. He could see her smile again someday, with somebody else beside her. Remus looked forward to that. He would let her have the happiness he could never bring her, though he knew that he would always think of her with nothing but the deepest love he had ever felt for another human until the day he moved on from this world.
This is what I brought you
This you can keep
This is what I brought
You may forget me
I promise you my heart
Just promise to sing
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.
Remus tapped Tonks on the shoulder after it became obvious that they were not going to be attacked at the Burrow. Calm had taken over, but the usually bubbling auror was quiet, staring into the darkness and shivering. At the touch she turned abruptly, almost pulling her wand and returning to contemplative worry only after she identified her "attacker."
"Remus."
"What really happened with Bellatrix, Dora?"
She looked back into the sky. "Like I said, it was a bit of a close call. Nothing more."
"Bollox. What happened?"
Tonks sighed heavily. "You don't get to worry about me, you know."
"You're my friend."
With a dry laugh, Tonks shook her head. "Maybe."
"I hope I can be your friend. Now talk to me, because I know you aren't talking to anybody else. Is it because of Moody..?"
Tonks let her lip quiver, shaking her head lightly. "That is horrible, but... no. It's because...because..." She hesitated, looking up into his eyes with a strange fear. Remus felt it jolt from her into him, stronger than anything he had felt, even when bitten as a child. Whispering, Tonks admitted what had been bothering her. "She was hunting me, Remus. She quite wants me, almost as much as she wants Harry; if it hadn't been for Ron, I'd be..." She shimmied uncomfortably, a shiver moving through her quite abruptly.
Remus looked at her, horrified. "Bellatrix? Why would she want you?"
"I'm her niece, remember? To her it would just be 'pruning the family tree.' She just about said so herself."
Remus hugged her closer. "Merlin. I wouldn't have thought that."
The next rumble he felt from her was strange. It was not in fear, but in laughter that she shook. Pulling away, Remus found she indeed had her mouth set in a sad expression that was twisted and wrong. "You pushed me away so vehemently you forgot I was in danger even without you at my side."
"Nymphadora..."
"I'm not going to bring it up again," she sighed. "I stopped trying long ago. I just wish you had thought it out more before you forced me to move on."
Tonks stood at that, walking back into the warm house to busy herself worrying about others, leaving Remus on his own to fret. Worry filled him, worry for Dora... worry for what could happen to her. She was a target, and Remus couldn't even get nearer without fearing he simply made it worse. Not anymore. Even so, the bigger shock was that she had stopped caring about his neglectful nature. He had made himself believe it was to be desired, but now she had apparently gone forward he found himself quite at a loss. He always had believed a part of her might need him; now, as he thought about the strong auror as well as the willful woman, he knew she was all right without him.
And it hurt.
"I was a fool," he sighed. "I have to do something... something."
Visions of the war, of couples torn apart, assaulted Remus as he considered running to Tonks and taking her in his arms. Better to wait until after the war, so that were he to perish she could move on more easily. She didn't need an aging werewolf holding her down emotionally if he couldn't even hoist her back up. But he could no longer hide it: he needed her, and badly. If he made it through this war, he promised himself to love her fully with every bit of heart he could muster.
This is what I thought
I thought you'd need me
This is what I thought
So think me naive
I'd promise you a heart
You'd promise to keep
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.
Remus had come into the final battle with a strange sort of calm that he hadn't even known was possible. In fact, it quite probably shouldn't have been; it was the calm of a man who knows that there is no choice in the outcome, that it is either see triumph or die, and who has accepted that both choices will suffice. Even as he dueled, it was with a more casual feeling than usual. It almost felt like he was outside of himself, watching what was going on as if in a dream...
Dolohov had chosen Remus as his opponent, and the former DADA teacher was all too willing to show why so many considered him the best Hogwart's had offered in recent memory. His wand was quick and steady, just as careful as so many of the aurors who had chosen to fight with the Order today in a stand against the Dark Lord.
The duel was nearly over, practically won, when Remus heard a familiar cackle behind him. He woudln't have spared a second to glance if he hadn't heard the pained breath that accompanied it, almost inaudible as the owner gasped. Remus shot a disarming curse, seeing Dolohov's wand shimmy enough that the Death Eater couldn't hex at the second, and turned to see Tonks lying on the floor. She was past screaming, her morphs uncontrolled and flickering as Bellatrix tormented her prey.
That finished it for Remus. He sent three spells just short of unforgiveable towards Dolohov, each stonger than the next, and the Death Eater was pushed far out of the room. He then dashed to Tonks' side, sparing a second to hex Bellatrix so that the evil witch had to let up on her cruciatus.
"Dora!"
Nymphadora couldn't seem to hear him, though her form temporarily settled on the short pink bob Remus had always loved. She looked up with gray eyes, but seemed to look past him as she pleaded, "Is it over?"
Even as the question left, Bellatrix returned with a vengeance, hitting her niece hard and lashing out hard enough to make Dora arch in pain. Before Remus could reply he too had been hit with a smaller form of the same curse. A harsh growl was ripped from his throat, but at the same point he found himself hit by Dolohov as the other returned from regaining his bearings. The painful lurch shoved him forward, and he was looking straight into the Dora's eyes as they misted over.
And yet...
Tonks was granted a second of clarity. In that brief instant she reached out for Remus' hand, touching it gently. "I love you," she whispered.
The next howl was not in response to any physical pain. Remus found one hand secure around his wand as he shot off two curses, one at his own attacker and one at Bellatrix, this time making sure they were fully bound. The Death Eaters were taken by surprise, unable to muster much of a response as wands went flying and they were rendered immobile. And like that, his own section of the hall was silent.
The significance of taking down these two was not allowed to penetrate Remus Lupin's mind. Instead, he just swung around and grabbed onto Tonks' hands. She didn't respond, not even recognizing the sensation of being touched. It hurt to see her so battered, so low, and Remus wished he could do something to take away her pain. Every inch of her radiated exhaustion, every feature sadly limp and incapable. Remus sat beside her, pulling her close onto his lap, murmuring meaninglessly.
That was how Molly Weasley found him at the end of the war. On one end of the hall lay the two Death Eaters, now harmelssly bound, and in the middle Remus sat wtih an unconscious Tonks still in his arms. Molly saw no response in him, not even when she touched his shoulders and tried to find out what happened; Pomfrey's arrival prompted toe werewolf to let Tonks out of his arms, but his eyes still remained fixed on her as she was being checked over. Molly set her arms around him in a motherly gesture...
"It should have been me," Remus whispered. "Never Tonks."
"Why?" Molly challenged lightly.
"Because she's young. Whole. Full of life."
Molly smiled sadly. "We've said before those who are young and whole do not tend to remain so. This is a war- WAS a war. Harry won freedom for us, but it is not without it's costs dear."
Remus nodded slowly. "I just never imagined it would be her."
Pomfrey walked towards the others at that moment, a strange expression on her face. "Well," she whispered, "Miss Tonks is going to be sore for several weeks I would imagine."
With a blink, Remus questioned the analysis. "Sore?"
"Bumped herself against the floor something terrible. But she doesn't seem to have any ill effects. Very cognizant at this point..."
Remus rushed over, lightly grabbing hold of an arm. "Nymphadora!"
"Don't," the weak voice replied, "call me that, Remus."
Remus leaned down to place a gentle kiss just above her eyes, relief flooding his body. "Dora, I'm so sorry."
"I- Remus, I..."
"I love you."
The beaming in her cheeks gave Remus Lupin all he ever wanted in the world. Her hair attempted to glow bright pink, but failed due to her weakness. Still, Remus could feel every bit of her radiate joy and wonder. "I love you as well," she replied.
"Rest now, Dora. We have all the time in the world."
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.