Enjoy
Tears in my Go
After he left I was lost.
Angry and confused, what right had I to continue the game when I had caused his passing?
With the help of Isumi-san I managed to catch a glimpse of him in my go. And for a second I thought I felt him, there with me.
He was more than just a comrade or my mentor, he was my best friend, my guardian and ultimately a part of my very being.
Even now, there isn't a single day that I don't think about him. His voice, his smile, his crazy moodswings and his annoying whining for more go. At times I remember him so vividly I unconsciously start talking back, earning a few concerned glances cast my way.
No, without Sai in my life go hasn't been the same.
Contrary to popular belief, I have developed a twisted hate towards the game. What began with go ended with it. Sai is gone now, and no matter how many times I glimpse his genius legacy in my moves, it's just wrenched imagination of his presence. He definitely doesn't live on in my go, just a faint afterimage of his memory can be detected there. I suppose even that's better than nothing.
And every stone I place on the goban makes my insides twist with pain and my skin itch with grief. I developed my own game out of his at an unbearable price; the last bit of his existence was sacrificed.
I hate playing go with the same passion as I love it. I love the thrill, the chase the goal of the game and his faint presence. I hate my love for the game, the universe I create on the goban and his presence.
I've shed so many tears in my go, both for love and hate. And no matter how much I want to share my pain, I know nobody will understand. How can one explain that an ancient ghost from the past wouldn't leave a sixth grader in elementary school alone to take a piss, would pester for games of go late at night and after having been satisfied demand I do my homework.
Sai was like that. Sai was special and I have always been different from other players. But now there's only me left to play our go.
So I play, I win, I lose and I cry.
It hurts so much to place a stone, but it also brings me a welcomed feeling of content. The knowledge that I'm playing our go is enough reason for me to continue.
I just hope that someday things will go back to how they were. So that once more I can play my go with love wile Sai fills the empty place beside me.
Meanwhile, I'll only play on for Sai, in his dear memory. I'll continue living this bitter lie that he lives on in my go.
Until we meet again, in twilight, in afterlife.
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