Late Nights in the Sorority Hall
I don't own Disney, I don't own anything. Please god, give me $89K and ownership over every entertainment company. So please enjoy another warped, weird and downright bizarrely funny fic from a near-insane author with a full-blown case of cabin fever and high content of Mr. Pibb and Lipton Diet Green Tea in my veins
"Oy, I'm bored." Elsa yawned, as she browsed on her iPad on her bunk bed while her roommates Jasmine, Aurora, Esmeralda and Anita were watching Flashdance. It was a cold, chilly Saturday night and the girls were watching a movie while waiting for SaturdayNight
Live to start… at 10:30 pm no less, thanks to cough NBC cough
"Then why don't you try counting sheep? I know it works with me." Aurora piped up, combing her elegant blonde hair. "Well, I do, but every time I count, you fall asleep." Elsa remarked, Aurora scoffing.
"I do not." Aurora teased, Elsa rolling her eyes. "One, two, three, four…" Elsa counted, before glancing over to see Aurora snoring loudly on top of an embarrassed Anita. "Aurora, sweetie, if you're going to slobber, please do it on your
bed and definitelynot on my new blouse." Anita deadpanned, gently laying Aurora down on the top bunk.
"I rest my case." Elsa spoke, as just then, Megara entered the room, back from her Lamaze class with her husband Hercules. And just so you readers know, Megara is five weeks pregnant and isn't due until March, mkay? So quit fantasizing about her being naked! Perverts
"So, how was Lamaze?" Jasmine asked, applying eyeliner makeup to her eyes. Megara yawned and took a massive bite of her steak and cheese sub sandwich before answering "It was good, really. Though I must admit, I never knew wonderboy had the nerve to massage
mywomb during the exercises."
"Well, it's good to know your hubby's supporting you while you're conceivin' your bundle of joy, love. Here, have a seat and I'll make you some coffee. The doctor said you need to eat plenty if you want your fetus to grow." Anita added, helping Megara
sitdown on the lounge chair as she turned on the coffeemaker.
"So, Elsa, have you heard from Anna and Kristoff yet? It's been a while since the wedding." Jasmine asked, as Elsa spoke "yup. They're in Italy, visiting some of the sights there and partaking in all the Italian delicacies. Here's a photo of them canoodling"
"Ok, can someone please turn down the volume on Aurora's snoring, because the longer I keep hearing her saw logs, the harder it is for me to keep my eyes open!" Megara griped, trying to block out Aurora's snoring with her fingers.
"Hey, you know Aurora's a heavy sleeper, and, let's not forget I reminded you about that when she moved in with us." Elsa remarked, Megara nodding. "Yeah, I hear you, I hear you. I'm fine with her sleeping habits, but what I'd really like is for her to
/at least sleep a little more quietly. I really hate waking up at god knows when at night, thinking we have a tomcat in the house!" Megara added, before the lights started to flicker on and off.
"Oh, crap. Guess that's the way of the dorm mother reminding us that it's lights out." Jasmine groaned, turning off the TV. "But what about SNL?" Aurora whined, waking up. "Aw, don't get yourself in a ruckus, I've got it recorded. Now let's get some sleep,wehave
church in the morning." Esmeralda replied, getting into bed.
"Oh, man. I really hate it when Pastor Frollo does his long-winding sermons on what Christianity was like during the Middle Ages and his rants about how we're supposed to be pure in His holy image." Elsa griped, putting on her sleep mask. "Well you've
/got to admit, that's how he defines himself as a man. And don't you forget he's the one who helped us afford this massive dorm house by the way." Esmeralda remarked
"Yeah, yeah. Just make sure he doesn't try to pour the communion wine down the back of my dress again." Jasmine yawned, Esmeralda rolling her eyes. "Hey! I was hungover from that day! You knew I was gonna feel tired after that keg party at Quorra's and
/Sam's last week." Anita snapped
"Ok, and on that lovely note, I'm shutting off the lights. Goodnight guys." Jasmine remarked, turning off the lights, everyone drifting off to sleep. Megara then felt her womb move again and rolled over to ease the tension.
"Aurora? Aurora, are you awake?" Jasmine whispered, shaking her. Aurora gurgled in her sleep and rolled over, snoring again. "Guess I'll take that as a 'no' then." Jasmine deadpanned, tiptoeing over to Megara's bed. Jasmine knew Megara was very, very
/strict about getting her beauty sleep and woe betide any idiot who would risk arousing her at one in the morning.
"Mmm… Jasmine, what are you doing? It's five minutes after ten. Go back to bed." Megara mumbled sleepily, yawning. "I couldn't sleep. I was having those waking nightmares again." Jasmine spoke, Megara groaning. "Jasmine, honey, I told you, if you were
/having those weird dreams again, you should speak to Professor Owl" Megara remarked
"Are you crazy? The last time I went over there, that pervert of a cricket tried to make me drink his new batch of wine, which I'm positive came from the carcass of some overly bloated animal!" Jasmine hissed
"and I guess that explains Bruno's disappearance…" Cinderella snarked
"You know, you can always sue Jiminy if he's being a pain in your ass." Anita piped up, having overheard the dialogue between them. "I wish I could, Anita, but that darn floozy of a fairy he's married to keeps denying my requests. I swear, it's like he
/has both her and that puppet wrapped under his stubby thumb!" Jasmine rambled
"Hey, don't take this as judgmental, but I think you're sounding a teeny bit paranoid. I mean, what harm can one little pipsqueak of a bug do?" Anita remarked. "Need I remind you of the time he dropped a piano on the magistrate's head during the infamous
/'wine tasting' incident?" Aurora asked.
"Oh Jesus, don't get me started on that! I could never blot out the images of that disgusting drag queen show." Megara moaned in disgust, Jasmine wincing as she blocked the gruesome images out of her head
"Hey, I told you, that was an accident! And besides, Jiminy told me that the pulley was faulty and that the ropes slipped off!" Elsa added, Jasmine scoffing. "Yeah, right. Listen, sister, it turns out Jiminy greased the pulley with some really grimy oil
/and he severed the ropes with some termite dust." Megara remarked, Elsa having an about face. "Why, that sneaky, sniveling, conniving pint sized son of a bitch!" Elsa growled
"Yeah, and hey, if you see him at the diner tomorrow, at least try to swat him for me. I still owe him for getting a tracking device shoved up my ass!" Jasmine commented, as she got back into bed before feeling like something was moving under her pillow.
"AHA! I got you now, you little green bastard!" Anita barked, grabbing Jiminy by the neck with a glare on her face. "Uh, heh-heh, lovely weather we're having." Jiminy chuckled weakly. "Jiminy, what are you doing here? Don't you know no males are allowed
/inside the sorority house? It's common courtesy!" Jasmine barked
"Well, here's the funny thing…" Jiminy started, the girls groaning. "Oh God, if I have to put up with this little cretin's stories one more time, I'm going to shoot him" Megara growled, searching for her pea shooter.
"Meg, no. Jiminy's a temporary guest here. And I do mean temporary." Anita ordered, giving the cricket a 'I run the show around here, not you' look
"I lost my wife's brooch. I thought it would be in here, so that's why I snuck in here while you were busy watching JFK for the fifteenth time." Jiminy responded. "wait a sec… how did you know we were watching JFK?" Aurora asked
"easy. I was hiding on top of your mirror." Jiminy quickly remarked. "you could've fooled me there. Ok, just look for your ring, then scram, before I feed you to Killer Croc again." Jasmine scoffed
"Uh, Jasmine? Wrong universe." Anita corrected, not wanting to avoid being sued by DC Comics for illegally borrowing their characters. "I still can't believe Disney now owns Marvel Comics." Megara grumped, not quite a vivid fan of the famed Marvel Universe
"Are you kidding me? If it wasn't for Marvel, we'd still have to show constant re-releases of that crappy Black Cauldron film!" Esmeralda remarked. "I actually liked that film!" Jiminy piped up
"No one's talking to you, bub. And speaking of Marvel, isn't it a little… creepy that they decided to make a darker version of that strings song for the new Avengers?" Anita added, Elsa nodding. "Mm-hmm. I don't know what the hell they were thinking,
/it makes it look more like a horror film." Elsa spoke
"There are… no strings on me." Jiminy uttered menacingly, while holding in his laughter. "Don't do that! It gives me the creeps when that, that… thing says it so eerily." Jasmine spat
"Technically speaking, it's not a thing. It's an artificially intelligent automaton with superhuman abilities including the power of duplicating himself into various copies, or drones, so to speak." Aurora piped up, displaying her intellect
"Boy, with all those big words, you should write a large dictionary." Megara deadpanned. "I have the mind of doing just that right after Christmas. Phillip and I are thinking of opening our own printing press company." Aurora added.
"Aha! I found the ring! My precious…" Jiminy hissed, sounding like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. "Okay, if you're gonna do that, please do it somewhere else, cause Aurora's still freaked out from the last Hobbit film." Megara commented
"I swear, that large lizard looked like it was gonna eat all of us!" Aurora babbled crazily. "Oh please. Aurora, if you didn't want to see it in 3-D, you should've warned me" Megara spoke, fluffing her pillow as Anita tossed Jiminy out the door.
"Thank you for not squishing me!" Jiminy hollered, Anita shutting the door. "Ok girls, back to bed. Let's just try to get some well-earned rest" Anita spoke, the girls getting back into their beds and once more drifting off to sleep.
the next day…
"The Gospel according to the Book of Revelations." Pastor Frollo announced as he opened the Holy Bible to read the daily Scripture as the masses gathered at the church to listen. As soon as Frollo uttered the words Revelations, everyone knew that they
/were about to hear yet another ranting about all the so-called "impurities" in the world today.
"Oh Lord, not again. He did Revelations last week, and that lasted until nearly noon!" Meridia protested, Jasmine covering her mouth with her hand. "Thank you." Megara deadpanned
"And I heard as it were, the noise of Thunder, one of the Four Beasts saying 'come and see'. And behold, a pale horse. And the name that sat on him was Death. And Hell followed with him." Pastor Frollo read as everyone listened in boredom, apparently
/getting tired with Frollo's long-winding sermons and especially his repetitive quotings of Revelations, his cherished Biblical testament.
"Blah blah blah." Phillip muttered sarcastically, taking a sip of his ginger ale flask, Anita slapping him up the head. "Shhh! You want Frollo to place us into the confession box again?!" Tiana hissed silently, Phillip sheepishly shaking his head. "Then
/zip it and listen to the sermon! The sooner he's done, the quicker we can get outta here!" Megara barked
Sure enough, when all was said and done at the church, everyone bustled out the church doors. Megara placed a few coins onto the offering table before bowing to the Cross of Christ as she exited and got into the SUV Elsa and Aurora were driving.
"Ok, elephant in the room, I'm gonna start; did anyone else feel weird when Pastor Frollo referenced circumcising during the sermon?" Jasmine asked awkwardly, Belle spitting out her coffee. "Oh sweet Jesus, please, PLEASE kill the visuals in my head…"
/Helga murmured
"Jasmine! What the hell would make you ask such a weird-ass question in the first place?!" Flynn asked in confusion. "No reason, just simply asking, because I am Jewish, after all." Jasmine answered, Flynn trying to hold back a guffaw until
/Rapunzel nudged him in the nuts
"Oh, now I understand why the vicar gave me the weird look when he saw you wearing your Star of David the other day." Aladdin deadpanned, as a car cut Elsa off. "Hey! Watch where you're going, you bloody git! Yeah, that's right! Keep drivin'
/away while I shove a red hot poker up your bleedin' arse you ignorant wanker!" Anita hollered, shaking her fist out the window.
"Anita, I think you've had a tad too much of the communion wine today" Elsa spoke lightly, removing Anita's wine cooler from the beverage holder. "Dump this out in the gardens where no one can see it." Elsa whispered, Flynn nodding.
"And also, just exactly why did the bishop try to grab the end of my blouse during the offering? I swear, it's like every other clergyman in the church is either a dirty old man or a sex-crazed pervert, which is rather disgusting to even
/think of" Rapunzel piped up, Flynn shaking his head in disgust. "Technically speaking, Rapunzel, not every clergyman in the church is as lewd and sexually promiscuous as you think. Just look at our Archbishop for example. He's demonstrated
/amazing things for this city!" Aurora exclaimed, everyone grumbling and scoffing
"Yeah, like the time he filled the entire highway with wildebeests as part of a 'save the Serengeti' pledge? That was a monumental disaster! We couldn't drive down that road for weeks!" Anita wailed
"Ah, so that explains the massive pileups on Highway 47" Jasmine remarked, as Belle attempted to drink her wine only for a pothole to cause the goblet to spill on the fine leather chair
"Just another day…" Helga yawned lazily, as the gang stood in traffic for a few minutes, all drumming up a really zippy punchline to end this long-developed Fanfic
"hey, you guys wanna go see Rogue 1? The theatre's down this next road, plus no traffic!" Flynn offered
"yeah, great idea! Why didn't we think of that?" Anita joked, everyone laughing as cheesy 80s music played as the car sped off