DISCLAIMER: Everything belongs to JKR.

AUTHORS NOTE: This is a semi-sequel to one of my other stories, "Pillow Talk". It's meant to be humorous (as I hope you can recognise). ;) I've written it a while ago under a different pen name, but deleted it when I left fandom. But well - here it is again.

Lord Voldemort stood in a hotel room, carefully examining himself in a mirror. He wore nothing but his swimming trunks. He nodded approvingly. Yes, his Hermione had been right. He looked a lot healthier now that he had put on a few extra pounds. It made him look at least five years younger and far more athletic, he thought not without a hint of pride. He flexed his muscles and smirked. Gods, he looked good.

"Look at that arse!" he exclaimed happily as he turned around, examining his backside carefully. He pulled down his swimming trunks a bit, looking even closer at the nice piece of flesh. He grinned proudly. It was absolutely wrinkle-free and still quite firm for his age, too, if he might say so himself. Well, Hermione certainly had a good taste, he couldn't argue with that.

"Oh, Mylord!" his lover exclaimed as she walked out of the bathroom in a bikini, "You naughty boy! Starting without me, hmmm? You look positively delicious!" she said as she smacked his arse. His looks had certainly improved since she had started taking care of him. He had put on a bit of weight and it suited him immensely, Hermione thought fondly. She sighed happily – she'd never been this contented with her life before.

A beach excursion with her lover! Could it get any better? She didn't think so. And if she was lucky he might even get a slight tan. She nearly moaned at the thought of her beloved one with a golden skin. He would look like a young god. Well, a snake-god maybe. She had to admit it, he looked a bit snake-y sometimes. But she didn't mind it at all, in fact she thought it looked rather cute.

And not many persons knew what exactly a parseltongue could accomplish, Hermione thought slyly, winking at her lover. She simply knew he was reading her thoughts at this moment. He smirked at her, licking his lips sensually. Hermione bit her lip.

"Are you ready, love?" she asked him. He nodded at her. Taking a final glimpse on his arse, he grabbed their beach bag and apparated them to the beach.

Taking Hermione's hand possessively, he walked to an empty spot. He started spreading out their blanket. The brunette witch lay down instantly while the Dark Lord himself examined their surroundings. The beach was rather full, he noticed. He hoped that everyone would notice his improved looks – he was famous after all. Ah, there where his first fans. A group of curious looking children. They talked to each other silently but he heard bits of their conversation: 'Dark Lord', 'Voldie.. .' Yes, he thought smugly, they had indeed recognized him. He was a star! He flashed them a cocky grin before turning around to the blanket again. He wanted to make his way over to Hermione but he was interrupted by shrill giggles from the children. He frowned. Why were they giggling? He wasn't used to people laughing at him. Normally, his mere presence made other people tremble in fear.

And then it dawned on him. He hadn't pulled his swimming trunks back up! Voldemort closed his eyes in horror as he tried to regain his composure. He pulled the swimming trunks up again, trying hard to seem nonchalantly about the whole thing.

If the Daily Prophet ever got wind of that!

He could almost see the headlines before him: "Bare-assed Bad Boy on the beach" or "Voldemort – has he no shame left?"

Hermione sensed the distress her boyfriend was in and decided to take action. She pulled him down on the blanket and kissed him soundly on the lips. "I'll Obliviate them!" she assured him, stroking his bare chest. His mood lightened considerably after that. She was good with her hexes.

Hermione stood. "I'll be back in a minute, love. Just relax. I'll deal with the annoying brats and get us some drinks. You deserve a little break – I know that taking over the world can be a bit stressful at times. And think of how wonderful a tan would look on you, complimenting your red eyes. Relax and enjoy the sun!"

Thirty minutes later, Hermione was back on the blanket, snuggled against her lover. She sipped at her Mai Tai in satisfaction. She could clearly see it – his skin had gotten a bit of colour. It looked very appealing to her. Hungrily, she licked her lips and pinched his bum. He looked up and winked at her, making a naughty comment about her bikini.

Grinning, Hermione looked around. She blinked, the sun was very bright. She saw the kids again; they were trying to surf on a little float right now. Hermione sighed, she wanted kids, too! But, she mused, he wasn't exactly the most paternal person in the world. In fact, he could have quite a nasty temper from time to time. Harry had told her so after he had recovered from the shock of seeing Lord Voldemort, in his entire naked glory, stumble out of the cupboard in her flat.

Honestly, Harry was being ridiculous. She huffed in annoyance. He had the nerve to tell her that her Voldemort was pure evil. Which was plain wrong, of course. She knew better. But her lover had forbidden her to tell her friends about his softer sides. He seemed to be rather uncomfortable with the idea that it became public knowledge that he had some pieces of his heart left. He said he could go into exile if Rita Skeeter ever heard of something like this. She didn't know why, though. Honestly, he was being a bit whiny about it.

And Harry and Ron were so prejudiced against her boyfriend, it was quite annoying. They hated him! She had told all of them to simply bury their old grudges but they seemed to ignore her sensible suggestion. Whenever they saw each other they were glaring at each other and threatening to hex their opponent. Annoyed, Hermione huffed again.

Boys!