Author's Note: OneShot This one parter has been on my mind since I recently discovered this cool song that I found out has been around for a while. Your Own Disaster by TBS. (someone should totally make a fanvid of Naley to this song) It's really sad and it really made me think about Haley leaving Nathan in season 5 because things were getting too out of control. It may contain a little bit of a spoiler-ish aura so...
SPOILER ALERT!
Need You To Know
She had been staring at the back of his head for at least five minutes. Standing in the dark doorway, watching her dark-mooded husband sitting in their dark living room. She'd had the conversation she was about to initiate in her head with him at least twenty times. But for some reason, she had a feeling it wasn't going to work out how it did in her imagination. He wasn't going to ask her to stay, he wasn't going to stare at her like he was in the middle of some heartbreaking nightmare. She was ninety-nine point nine percent sure that he was just going to sit there and sigh. And nod. And basically give her the impression that he didn't care. But lately, she began thinking that maybe it wasn't an impression. Maybe this new, dark and broody Nathan just didn't care like the man she married did.
"Nathan."
His eyes slipped closed as a sigh blew past his lips. He didn't want to argue. Not right now. All he wanted was to just be alone.
"I love you." Haley whispered tearfully.
Nathan stiffened at that, his eyes shifting from the old basketball trophies lined on the mantle in front of him to his side. He could tell where she was standing without turning around. He didn't know how long she'd been there, but he knew by the sound of her voice that she wouldn't be standing there much longer.
"I really do." She continued, pressing her lips together and hoping not to cry. "And if you ever need anything, you can always come to me." Her voice trembled with sadness.
Nathan looked down at his lap, feeling completely helpless. He wanted to stop her, he knew where this was headed. But why stop her? She was obviously miserable with him and he never wanted to put her through this. He never planned on making her cry every night or making her doubt the love he had for her. But he had. So, if she wanted to go away and find peace and solace away from him, he wouldn't try to persuade her to do otherwise. He was in a deep, dark place right now and he didn't want to drag her down with him. She didn't deserve any of this. All she ever did was stand by him. And all he was doing was steadily pushing her further and further away.
Haley sniffled as she slowly crept to the side of him, she could faintly see his expression now. Nothing. Blank. Her tears spilled over. Her eyes quickly darted to the empty vodka bottle sitting on the table next to him and she shook her head, waving her hand at the empty glass. "But our son, he's watching you walk around like this everyday, Nathan. You're missing out on the most beautiful days of Jamie's life." She said sternly, her voice rose a little. "And I," her voice softened as she brought her accusing hand to her chest, "I can't keep doing this."
He just swallowed and brought his eyes back to the trophies he'd won so long ago. He was listening. And from the corner of his eye, he could see her propping her hand on her hip, believing that he wasn't listening to a word she was saying. But what could he say? That he was sorry? She already knew that. He couldn't say that he would change, he didn't really know how. All he could do was sit there.
Haley's eyes scanned over him in pity and heartwrenching melancholy. He'd had that shirt on for two days at least, his hair was far too overgrown, he didn't shave but once a month now--he wasn't Nathan. Somewhere along the way Nathan got lost and she wasn't sure if he was ever coming back. For the past four months, she'd practically been living with a stranger. Putting her hands together, palm-to-palm, she slowly brought them to her mouth, praying that she wouldn't break down right there on the floor.
"Are you even going to talk to me?" Haley questioned in pained disbelief.
"What can I say?" He whispered lifelessly.
Haley's face evened out and she shook her head. She was going to be strong. "Well, I guess you can say good-bye for starters." When he didn't even flinch or make the slightest movement, her strong facade broke. "Nathan! I said you can say good-bye to me!" She snapped, in case he hadn't heard. "I'm leaving you!" Still, no response. A breathy sob snuck past her mouth and she cupped it with her hand, hoping to stop anymore. After composing herself, she moved her hand. "D-Do you even care?" She asked weakly, staring desperately at the side of his face.
"Go." He said softly after a few seconds. "You'd be better off." It was true. Despite his fears, he'd become a complete and utter failure in basketball, in life, and what stung the most was that he'd become a failure at being a father and a husband. He was just a worthless drunk now. He wouldn't blame her for leaving him.
"No, I'd be better off with the Nathan that I know. The Nathan that I married." She gritted out, crying angrily. "Is he still there? Is there any of the Nathan that I know left in you?" Her voice was hopeful and she took a step forward, waiting for the Nathan that promised her that everything was going to be alright to emerge.
But instead, this other Nathan just sat there.
Haley nodded her head, accepting what his stillness meant. "I guess not." She muttered with a wry smile. Her eyes didn't leave him for at least two more minutes. She couldn't believe that they were here right now. Having this semi-conversation about the end. Then, more tears rimmed her eyes. "My things are packed and Jamie's already with Lucas, so...I'll um, I'll be at the house with Lucas." She choked out. After staring at him for a few seconds longer, hoping he'd say anything, or move even, the hope in her evaporated and she sucked her bottom lip into her mouth, saving the rest of her tears for the sleepless night she knew she would get. "Bye." She mumbled before hastily starting her way out of the living room. And just as she made it to the doorway to round the hall, she heard him.
"Haley."
She stopped abruptly, like she'd hit a brick wall. She gripped the side of the doorway tightly, hoping that his voice hadn't been part of her cruel imagination. Her head turned and she glanced over her shoulder and saw that he was now leaning forward, his elbows resting on his knees.
"I never meant to hurt you." He started quietly. "And I'm sorry about what I said the other night. About me not having anything. I have everything...I just, I don't know how to deal with it yet." He dropped his head with a sigh and looked at his entertwined hands. "And none of this is your fault. None of this is Jamie's fault. Without the two of you, I don't even think I'd be alive right now." He paused and shook his head lightly. "But I do love you guys, Hales. I love the hell out of you guys." Gulping so that his voice wouldn't shake anymore, he took a small deep breath. "I love you so much, Haley. I don't blame you for wanting to leave me. This can't be easy for you."
Haley was staring shocked at his back as he spoke. She didn't move, she didn't want to shatter this moment. But she could hear him and it was encouraging. There was some of the Nathan she knew. The real Nathan was talking to her.
"I won't lie. I don't know what's gonna happen to me. Especially without you and Jamie. But no matter what, I need you to know that I do love you and I love my son and I hate missing out on his life." His face grew a little more somber as he peered at his hands. "And what I'm going through right now has everything to do with me and only me."
She watched motionlessly as he sat back in his seat and resumed the other Nathan's position. Her eyes blinked rapidly and she pursed her lips to keep from crying and running over to him right now. It wouldn't fix this. Not even if she said all the things that were on her mind--they wouldn't go back. But she knew there was hope. If there wasn't, he wouldn't have needed her to know anything. With a soft, sad smile, she finally walked away.
A few minutes later he heard the front door open and shut and his eyes closed as he sighed softly. There she went, out of his life. All because he was too weak to get over the dream that he let slip through his fingers. Maybe this was his destiny, to screw things up for the rest of his life. First his dream of playing basketball and now his family. Gone. All because he messed it up. His eyes raked the length of the state championship trophy he won in his last high school game of basketball. It all meant nothing in the end.
Just think of this and me
as just a few of the many things
to lie around
to clutter up your shelves
And I wish you weren't worth the wait
because there's some thing's
I'd like to say to you...
And I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
'Cause I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
He sat there until the sun rose and the house was illuminated in a reddish-orange. He didn't sleep, his body didn't need it. All he needed had left last night and he let her. Deciding that he should at least use the bathroom, he slowly made his way down the hall, his eyes raking the front door in sadness. Hopefully she'd be happy, he said to himself. Hopefully she got everything she wanted out of life. Hopefully, she could get past the heartbreak that he caused her by turning out this way. For some reason, Haley had always had high hopes for him, even after the point shaving came out. She never gave up, and wherever she was, he knew that she still had that hope for him. The hope that she'd had ever since she'd started tutoring him.
He stopped at his bedroom door, his eyes narrowed at the bed. He hadn't slept in over thirty hours, he reminded himself, cutting through the room and heading straight to the bathroom they used to share. He needed sleep, because he could've sworn that he just saw Haley sleeping, wrapped up in the comforter on their bed. After flushing the toilet, he walked out of the bathroom and stared at the bed again. His illusion was still there. He used to do this when she went on tour. He used to imagine seeing her in bed or hopping in the shower behind him.
"I love you too, Nathan." She mumbled sleepily. A small smile curved her lips as her eyes fluttered open to eye him standing before her. "You know, I need you to know something, too. That I'm not giving up."
His eyes met hers and suddenly he realized how long it had been since he'd actually looked into those brown eyes that he fell in love with. "I heard you go." He spoke evenly, his voice rasping from his lack of using it.
She shook her head, never raising up. "No. I couldn't go." Their eyes locked with each other's for what seemed like forever before she smiled gently again. "Lay with me."
Nathan then remembered how long it'd been since he actually laid down next to his wife and held her in his arms. It'd been far too long. Feeling as if it was foreign to him, he easily kicked off his shoes and threw off his shirt, crawling over her and laying down behind her, curving his body along hers so that they were spooning. He had problems, because he was nervous and he used to do this all the time. Used to.
He felt her warm hand grab his from the spot behind her back, then she guided his arm so that it was thrown over her body. Haley scooted backwards until their bodies were completely touching. He could smell the sweet scent of her and subconsciously nuzzled his nose in her hair. Her hand rested on top of his and they sighed simutaneously.
"I love you." She said gently, her eyes open but facing away from him.
He looked down at the side of her face. "I love you too, Haley." He promised in her ear. "I always will."
She smiled proudly and nodded softly. "I know you will, Nathan. That's why I'll never give up on us."
Of all the conversations she'd had with him in her head, none ended with her in his arms for the first time in months. But she had to admit, she liked this better.
And I dare you to forget And I don't think that And I don't think that you know
the marks you left
across my neck
from those nights when we were both
found at our best
Now I could make this obvious,
and you, you could deny me
all in one breath
you could shrug me off
your shoulders...
you know what
you've been missing
'Cause I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
I said I don't think you know
I said I don't think you know what your missing