Shadows in the Dawn

Author's note: Well, well. This was my NaNoWriMo '05 novel. Longest fic I've ever written, and probably the longest fic I'll ever write. XD I figured I'd post it up bit by bit here to get an idea of what was good and what was bad about it so I can go back and re-edit it someday. It does get wordy and repetitive at many times, but...hey, I needed to reach 50,000 words somehow. -cough- Anyway. Enjoy. Oh, and a FYI. It's post-series and ignores the movie for the most part (like I do), though I did take a character name (Alfons Heidrich..which I later found out was spelled Heiderich...whatever...) to use for one of the characters here (I think he's introduced next chapter...). He's nothing like the Alfons in the movie, though. And apologies for overly emo characters.

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Chapter 1 - Regrets

The sky was crying, and for the first time in five years, Alphonse Elric could cry with it.

His memories were still a bit fuzzy, and he could not remember many of the details past his childhood…past his mother's death, past the mistake that had cost him so much.

Had cost them so much.

He couldn't decide whether it was fate or simply an unfortunate series of events that led them to this. If they had never attempted the forbidden, would they be where they were today? Or would they be safe, living a normal (albeit uneventful) life in Resembool? But, at the same time, what if the incident was just the spark to set the flame? Perhaps if it weren't that, it would have been something else, and things wouldn't have been as different. The questions were many in Alphonse's mind, and he had brooded on them, despite the fact that there was no one to answer them, no way to know if life had really set a course for he and his brother to end up like this.

There was no body, simply an empty coffin now lying under the cold earth, and a black, marble grave marker.

Edward Elric
1899-1915
Beloved Son and Brother
Hero of the People

Al's fingers reached out to press against the stone, running across the engraved words. The 'memorial', so to speak, seemed to Al some kind of mockery of everything Ed had stood for. Had his brother's life really come to this? One of many stones in a cemetery, where people would visit for maybe a few months, leaving flowers that would just wilt with time…

His small hands clenched the sides of the gravestones as the rain mixed with salty tears. Equivalent exchange…where was the equivalent exchange in this, he thought? His body was nothing compared to his brother's life… He would have gladly stayed in the armor as long as it meant that Edward would be safe. His older brother had already made enough sacrifices…this was too much.

"You promised me, brother…promised me that you wouldn't leave me! You got me my body back, but what does it matter if you're not here? What's the point!" he whispered angrily. "You idiot…you complete and total idiot! Everything was a lie… Equivalent exchange, the thing we believed in most…what we based everything on! When did it ever say that I would have to lose you!"

A hand firmly clasped on his shoulder, and Al twisted his gaze to the side. He could see the tears locked in the man's dark eye, and that was enough to send him into another fit of crying. The boy turned and wrapped his arms around the older man's waist, burying his head in his chest as the rain fell down around them.

"Brother…I…I miss him…I want to see him again…he…he shouldn't have…I… I never wanted this to happen…if only…I could have done something…!"

The hand on his shoulder moved, and Al felt strong arms encompass his body, trying to be comforting. But he could feel those very arms shaking. He didn't have to ask why.

"I know. We all feel the same…"

---

"Edward was...one of the few men I could truly admire. Not many people knew him for who he was…not just a brash, loud, insubordinate child, not the abstract hero he has been painted out to be during his travels, but as the man he really was. He was steadfast in his goals, goals that were entirely selfless. He would, without a second thought, sacrifice his own happiness and desires as long as it meant someone else would be happy.

"I have observed, in his four years of serving under me, that although his methods were unorthodox and usually a pain for the military, his intentions were pure. He may have been a dog of the military, but he was no ordinary mutt. Hell, he was no ordinary person. Put anyone else in his shoes, and the likelihood of them surviving and getting through the things he had been through is slim to none."

He paused for a moment to take a breath before continuing.

"Edward was born and grew up in Resembool, a small town to the East…His childhood was spent with his younger brother, Alphonse, and his mother, Trisha. After their mother passed away, the Elric brothers pledged their lives to helping each other… Yet they helped so much more. Edward became a State Alchemist at the age of 12, the youngest ever to achieve that. And whether he had initially meant to or not, he, in his actions, changed the way this country was run. He helped expose the corruption in our military, helped bring this world back to peace.

"I believe that we have a lot to learn from him. Though he is not with us in the physical sense anymore, we can still feel his presence in what he has left behind. In four short years, he has inspired hope in the hearts of all the people in this nation…something we have been striving to do for centuries."

His lips curved into a half smile. "…No matter how inexperienced, and no matter how small, a person still holds the power to change the world. Edward Elric, we salute you."

---

Roy moved his hand in a circle, watching as the amber liquid in the glass swirled. It was mesmerizing in the way that it could help to take his mind off of things for a precious few moments. But only for a few.

It seemed as if for the past few weeks, everything was a distraction when it came right down to it. Anything to distract him from the ache in his chest that had been present there ever since he heard those fatal words:

'Edward Elric has been declared MIA. The search is off. Repeat, Edward Elric has been declared MIA…'

The boy he had watched over for so many years, had cared for, had even loved…

It was hard for him to accept the fact that the blond alchemist was gone. Sometimes, he would sit in his office bored, wondering when Edward was going to show up with a report or yelling about one thing or another or…anything, really. It would usually take a few gentle yet firm words from Lieutenant Hawkeye to bring himself back to reality. Or whatever he could see as reality, anyway.

He took another long sip of the alcohol before going back to swirling it around in the glass. If the light hit it just right, it mirrored the color of Edward's eyes…

…and Roy realized that no matter what he did, he wasn't going to be able to keep his mind off of the boy. How long this mourning would last, he couldn't tell. Months? Years? His entire life?

He laughed bitterly. Five short years of knowing Edward, and he was already thinking his entire life was in ruins because he had died? No one could change a person's life in that amount of time, could they?

A few gulps later, Roy came to another realization that yes, it was very much possible, and he was just lying to himself. Edward's actions, his words, his very existence had changed him as a person. He had brought some of the brightness in his own eyes that had dulled after the Ishbal massacre.

His thoughts were coming full circle…as one trail of thought tapered off, it would pick up another, and they would connect in a seemingly unending web of regrets and depression.

Damn you, Edward Elric. Damn you and your eyes, your stubbornness, your…everything. Damn you for making me depend on someone, after so many years of trying to be independent. Damn you for making me a better man…because I don't know what I'm going to do now, now that you're gone.

His hand around his drinking vessel had tightened, clenching hard enough during his reflection that the glass had shattered. Shards fell onto the floor along with the remains of the alcohol. Roy stared amusedly at his hand, watching as the blood trickled down his skin, dripping off the edges of his palm and falling onto the floor. The pain did not bother him in the slightest…in fact, it barely registered in his mind.

Wherever the hell you are now, Edward…you took a part of me with you. I want it back.

---

"Tell me, Fullmetal…"

"…hm?"

"Look at yourself. Look at your life, all that you've been through. What keeps you going?"

"…what are you talking about, Colonel? The hell brought this up?"

"Just answer me."

"Well…my brother, obviously. Even though…well, you know what happened…ever since then, I've been wanting to make it up to him. And…while we've been journeying for the stone, we've managed to help out a lot of other people. That keeps us going…that gives us hope, I suppose."

"Do you regret anything?"

"Yes, but I realize that there's no way I can go back and change them. All I can do is try to make sure it doesn't happen again, and fix things as best as I can. You can't just dwell on your mistakes and wonder what could have been for the rest of your life…you have to actually take action. Otherwise, you're just wasting your life, you know?"

"…You've grown, Edward."

"What do you mean, you bastard! You calling me short or something!"

"Haha…no."

"Then what!"

"…You've learned a lot, and come a long way. I admire you for that."

"…Colonel…?"

"Now go scram. I've got paperwork to do."

"…yeah, sure."

---

Roy chuckled, letting his eyes close as he leaned back in his chair. 'How pathetic I am. How completely and utterly pathetic. You would have wanted me to move on, huh? Weren't you all about moving forward, fixing your mistakes, but not dwelling on them?'

His laughter faded, and a small smile was left on his face. 'But we never really were good at listening to each other, hm? Maybe if we were…maybe if I did learn something from you, I would be moving on, I would be fine. I'd go on with my life, and all would be well. However, things aren't going that way, are they?'

He didn't care what the odds were, or how ridiculous he was being. He didn't care if he was deluding himself.

Edward couldn't be dead. He was too strong for that. He was out there somehow.

And Roy was going to find him, even if it killed him.

---

Dear Journal,

He's gone.

So they say, anyway.

Funny how things work out, hm? Look at where I am at. I've just exposed and eliminated the highest and greatest corruption of the military. Becoming Fuhrer is well within my grasp. Eight years, and I've finally done it.

And the most hilarious part is, I don't even care anymore.

Maybe it's silly of me. No, I take that back, it is ridiculous of me. After all, if I gave up now, I'd just be letting their sacrifices go to waste, right?

Maes.

Edward.

Who ever said that success and happiness go hand in hand? It seems, I have learned, that one is forced to pick one or the other.

There's been a funeral. They say he's dead, but I can't bring myself to believe that he's gone down this easily.

He's still alive out there somewhere, I know. And I will find him.

-Roy