What is real, and what is not.
[Series All things have consequences. Wish Realm setting] : How Pinocchio reacted to the fact that he may be not real, after Emma and Regina left the kingdom. Canonical Character Death. Pinocchio & Alexandra friendship.
Warning : Depression, Suicidal Thought, Self-Harm.
They told him this world wasn't real, that everything he lived never happened, that it was just a dream, a fake world, created by the wish of a princess who just wanted to escape from her fate.
And he believed them.
They told him that, for sure, the second they would be gone, the second they would be back to their world, the real world, as they called it, well, this world would just vanish, and it would be as if it never existed.
And he believed it.
They asked him to build them a portal, and so they would flee from this realm which wasn't their own (so the queen would have to face no consequences for her crime, for the queen's and the king's murder, but Pinocchio still didn't know it at this time. Even if she thought they weren't real, it didn't justify what she did).
And he accepted.
And they left.
But nothing happened.
And life just continued as it used to be.
§§§§
Well, it wasn't true.
Not about some details.
He wasn't the same anymore.
Not after what they told him, not as he was still here, alive, breathing, as he shouldn't be, as he was not supposed to be real.
It was supposed to be a fake world, after all, right ?
This was what they told him.
But he was still here, the world was still here, real, or it seemed to be, and he couldn't understand what happened.
Did they lie to him ?
What if they were the one who weren't real ?
In fact, what was real, and what was not ?
When he learned what happened to the queen and the king, it became far worst for him.
He knew the princess was missing, before Emma found him, but he… he hadn't heard about what happened.
About what the queen did.
She killed them.
And he let her go.
And now, the princess was gone, and the kingdom was in flames, and it was falling, because of him.
And Henry, prince Henry, the one he was supposed to protect and take care of, as he did in the past with Emma, had lost everything, in part because of what he did.
His grand-parents were dead, and her mother was not here anymore, and he had no idea of the reason why, thinking that she had been abducted by the queen.
He had the answer to the questions the young man was asking to himself, and he could say nothing, because no one would believe him.
No one here was ready to believe that this world was fake, no one would accept it.
Because it would feel just absurd for them.
And no one wants to hear that he or she is not real.
(For himself, it was different, he used to be a wooden boy, a puppet, animated by magic, and who was not human for a time, before he became a real boy.)
In fact, he did not himself know what was real.
Was he real ? Or was he just the product of a wish, as these people who looked like Emma and the Evil Queen (were they themselves real ?) told him ?
But if it was the case, why the hell did his world still exist ?
He knew that, for sure, this question was going to haunt him for many years.
§§§§
In a way, Pinocchio was luckier than Henry was. Yes, his father was dead, some years ago, and he was the one who used to be the only family he ever had, and his best friend, Emma, was not here anymore.
But, unlike Henry, he didn't loose everyone.
He still had Alexandra.
His other best friend, who grew up with him and Emma, and who was, in fact, the one who told him all the things which happened.
He felt even more guilty when he saw the sad air his friend had on her face, a sadness provoked by this tragedy, because the king and the queen, her parents' friends, the one she saw as members of her family, were gone, just as her best friend, who disappeared mysteriously, with no one knowing where she was.
Well, no one except Emma herself, Regina, and Pinocchio, of course.
He told her nothing too, because he didn't want to see her face when she would realize that none of this was real.
In fact, it was what Pinocchio was trying to believe, and it was hard enough to succeed to convince himself that what Emma told him was true, and the thing is that he saw her, this day, leaving in another world. And it was still hard to accept this as being the truth.
There was still a part of him who couldn't accept this idea, because it would mean that he was nothing, that what he thought was real was not.
That his life, meant nothing.
So yeah, Alexandra was not going to believe it.
§§§§
Time passes more and more, and with this, Henry falls.
He is not the only one.
Pinocchio is still trying to figure out what is real or not, and even if all this was not real, well, it didn't make the situation less painful.
It didn't make the queen's and king's death less horrible, it didn't mean that Henry was not an orphan, because it was what he was now, and Pinocchio sometimes hoped that they told him the truth, because if all of this was not true, it would maybe be less worst.
Except that he is still breathing, suffering, trying to hide this secret, his secret, and it hurts.
So, yes, he is falling, in despair, mostly, despite Alexandra's presence, and her help, and she sees that something is wrong with him, but he doesn't tell her.
This is a burden he has to keep with himself.
She doesn't deserve to learn the truth, about them, about this world which is just fake, or if it is not the truth, but just a lie, she doesn't deserve to see her world and everything she ever knew being reduced to nothing.
It happened to Pinocchio, and he knows how terrible it can be.
§§§§
Sometimes, Pinocchio asks himself what would happen if he killed himself.
He doesn't question it about what is or is not after life, it's just… would it be real ? Would his death be real, or not ?
In fact, could he die ?
If this world was not real, why the hell were they still here ?
And why was everything so upside down since the queen came and Emma left ?
(He doesn't even know if he really wants answers about this.)
They told him this world was not real, but him, he felt pretty real, and alive.
And his life was awful.
Because he was the reason why the princess was gone, and the most he thought about it, the most he thought he had been wrong to let them go.
Because, yes, maybe that it was okay in their world, but in their… it wasn't.
Henry was falling, and he seemed to be more and desperate.
People were stills searching for princess (well, queen, as she was supposed to be one now that her parents were dead), but everyone was almost sure that they would never find her again.
Pinocchio was the only one who knew the truth, and he couldn't say it.
He failed.
He was supposed to take care of Henry, especially now that his family was gone, and he didn't do it.
He failed Emma.
(And maybe that it was supposed to happen in all the universe, all the versions of the story, that, at one moment, Pinocchio was supposed to fail princess Emma.)
He asked himself if even this meant something.
After all, if nothing was real here, was it really important ?
(For him, it was.)
§§§§
He feels less and less alive, and real.
The first time he cut himself was really not an accident.
He just wanted to feel something, something else than uncertainty or guilt, or remorse.
Pain was surely not the best option, but it was the only thing he had.
He did it more and more, realizing then that, yes, he was alive, and real, and maybe they had been wrong, in the end, and maybe that, in fact, what happened did have consequences, and meant something, and that it was his fault, and…
Pinocchio stopped the train of his thoughts as he heard someone entering, and Alexandra gasped when she saw him, his arm covered with blood.
"Pinocchio ! What the… what the hell are you doing ! What is happening to you ? She asked him with concern on her face."
And, for the first, he gave up, and he just stopped pretending he was okay.
He almost collapsed, crying, and Alexandra just took him into her arms, waiting for him for calm down.
"Alexandra, he began, after some minutes, when he felt, well, not better, but less worst than before. Alexandra… there is something I need to tell you…"