Author's note: This is a short adaption of a little known work, to be taken very seriously. All characters (especially Darcy) are the playthings of the author, and contradiction to this will result in punishment with rope and teaspoons. Reviews are welcome. If you are interested in developing and performing the work on the stage (nudge nugde wink wink RSC) feel free to contact the author to discuss details on royalty payments, champagne and a nice holiday villa in Italy. I have already adapted a script in anticipation.

Mrs Bennet entered Mr Bennet's study, where he was sitting reading a newspaper.

"Guess what!"

"Lydia has learnt to read?"

"No! Of course not. Mr Bingley has moved to Netherfield."

"So what?"

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of good fortune must be in want of a wife!"

"You read too many period romance novels for your own good."

"You must visit him!"

"Why?"

"So he can marry our daughters!"

"Polygamy's illegal"

"Unfortunate but true. He can marry Jane then."

"Not going"

"WHAT!"

"If he's marrying Jane, it's she he wants to see."

"Stop being silly."

"Not being silly"

"Are so"

"Am not"

"Go then!"

"No"

Mr and Mrs Bennet continued their daily routine in much their usual fashion, although most of their conversation consisted of begging, verbal abuse and flat denial.

"Pleeeeeeeeease."

"No!"

"You must go, or you'll die and then I'll have to live in a hovel with the girls, and then they'll NEVER marry! We shall live off out-of-date cream crackers that the Lucus' throw our way. They will bring deck chairs and sit outside our hovel and laugh at us! HOW CAN YOU SUBJECT US SO MR BENNET!"

"Not going"

Eventually, Mrs Bennet gave up. Mr Bennet considered this as a win and marked it on the scoreboard. Each month they began afresh and so far Mr Bennet was winning 161 to 157. Lower than average for day six, but that was due to the fact that their latest disagreement had been extended over an unusually long period.

Unfortunately, Mrs Bennet's defeat was not much kinder on the ears than her defence.

"WE ARE ALL DOOMED GIRLS. I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW."

Instead of responding to her mother's outcry of despair, Kitty turned to her sister and appraised the bonnet she was re-decorating for the upcoming Meryton assembly.

"Nice hat Liz."

"Thanks. Like yours too. Dontcha fink the 'B's in little love hearts is a little strong though?"

"Nah. Mr Bingley is a man. They can't see subtle things."

Mrs Bennet, twitching at the mention of Mr Bingley, cried "I wish Mr Bingley had never come. Then I wouldn't feel like hiding in a cave and wringing all the moisture out of my body through my eyes."

Mr Bennet walked into the parlour where the ladies were seated in time to hear his wife's last declaration, to which he replied "Fiddlesticks. If I knew you hated him that much I'd never have gone to visit him. Never mind."

"WHAT!"