Kaidan stirred his spoon into the bland mashed potatoes. Why had he gone back for seconds? He wasn't hungry. Habit. How many times had Blakely swore she wasn't hungry then proceed to eat half of the food on his tray.
Blakely was here but not where she was suppose to be. Did she plan to come down and see if he was settled? Liara had taken up her spot, right around the corner. Only Cerberus would give the captain a luxury suite up top. Time changes things And the Reapers had taken the precious gift of time.
"But the chef was also the plumber." Donnelly told them with a wicked laugh. "So you can take that any way you wish."
Kaidan glanced up at the people sitting at the end of the table. Six eyes watched him as he held up the same spoon filled with mush. The dark hair one, Reynolds, looked as if he wanted to make a comment but was unsure if he wanted to make it to a superior officer.
"Let's go Gabby. I've lost my appetite." Donnelly and his friends tossed their trays into the sink. Then made there way to the crew quarters.
Kaidan swallowed the last bites and took his tray over to the sink.
Nothing is the same.
There were things so wrong about the Normandy. Memories they created aboard the original Normandy lay buried in the burned out ruble. All those evenings waiting. Hoping she would take notice of him.
Those nights at Flux. Blakely excelled at everything but dancing. She was always just one step beyond the actual beat of the song. The image of Garrus at a corner table with all of their weapons on the table before him. The waitress would approach the table cautiously with his drink. Garrus would have her leaving with laughter. She never cared about how bad of an dancer she is. She gave it her all even though she was very bad at it.
"You don't have to really was the dishes."
"Excuse me. Oh. I was just cleaning up. I couldn't find the washer."
"Here." Samantha pressed a button on the side. A compartment slid open revealing a dishwasher.
"I'll finish this up." She loaded the trays with a smile.
Blakely had to receive his message. Both of them. Kaidan knew he could tell Samantha that he needed to see her, but that felt silly. It would be standard procedure on any Alliance vessel, but he'd never need a go between to see her before. The sirens blasting, fire all over the crew deck. These things still haunted his waking dreams. She would come to check on him. However therewas that little thing about saving the galaxy.
Unsure of where to wait to run into her, He paced back and forth outside the door. If this was the original Normandy, she would be inside instead of Liara. However, this wasn't the original Normandy. All the time that had past, but the one thing remained the same. He was still the outsider.
The door flew open. A metallic voice greeted him "Welcome, Major Alenko. Kaidan regretted standing outside the door the moment it flew open. Everything was too bright and shiny. He couldn't avoid noticing Blakely's Join the Alliance recruitment poster hanging on the back wall. She had it framed as if it was prized piece of art.
"We can't have informants thinking they can back out of deals." Liara screamed at the screens. "Silence him. Transfer the information. And leave the body somewhere Ghan'thom can find it." She ended the transmission. "It took you two long enough to work things out."
"Time isn't really something we have much of is it?" Room too bright. Ice blue screens flashed with red and golden yellows. The room was doing nothing to help his growing headache. Why were the monitor following his every step? Finding nothing stable to lean against Kaidan folded his arms across his chest. "Nice set up here."
"I'm keeping busy. Since you're back, Blakely won't be invited me along for as many missions."
"Proud of yourself. Doing the impossible." She walked back over to the monitors.
"What are you talking about Liara? I'm not in the mood for a fight."
"Almost dying in front of her. You know what happen to her on Akuze. I tried to be there for her to comfort her, but she wasn't having any of it."
Kaidan raised an eyebrow. He knew that was code for she made her move on Blakely and got shot down cold.
"It's just been tough on her." Liara sighed. "The entire galaxy is waiting expecting her to save them. And all she can think about was that it's her fault that you almost died. She told me, how can they expect me to save a galaxy when I can't keep one man safe."
"I'm still a bit peeved that you think I did that on purpose."
"Maybe the universe is trying to correct make up for all this darkness. You're alive. She loves you. Embrace your second chance."
"But you didn't see her eyes, she was seconds away from killing me. She said she wouldn't have pulled the trigger, but part of me doesn't believe her. If I didn't back down, Garrus was more likely her Ace."
"Garrus, doesn't hate you."
"Actually, Garrus has been more welcoming than most." He thought about the crew's reaction to him since his return. He promised himself to make more of an effort to get to know everyone this time around.
"Well Kaidan, you did pull your weapon out on our Commander."
"You heard."
"Everyone knows. And if she'd given Garrus the order to take you out, your name would be on the wall out there."
Kaidan didn't want to continue to talk about what happen on the Citadel. He did have more questions since Liara seem to be in a chatty mood. "How close were Shepard and Krios?"
"I wasn't on board to know."
"Yeah." He laughed. She wasn't fooling him. "You're the Shadow Broker."
"Worried?"
"She's taking his death hard. This is the second day she hasn't come down from her cabin. That concerns me. I talked to him a few time at Huerta. I know they didn't do anything, but the way he spoke of her."
"All of us love Blakely in our own way. That's why we fight so hard for her. That's never going to change. Edi mention she didn't understand her hesitation. That it only took Shepard to put execute Cerberus soldiers That you should have died within the parameters but you stood in the way of the goal." She placed a hand on his shoulder. "You can't beat yourself up over things that can't change. There so much on the line."
"Because I didn't believe her, she had to go through this alone." Kaidan said breaking from her hold.
"She never asked you to join her on the suicide mission."
"Did she ask you?"
Liara nodded her head yes.
"I wonder why was that." Kaidan said hating himself for his actions.
"You know."
"I know but that's hard to swallow. It's the same reason I'm here and Ash isn't."
"I have something I think you should hear. It's from Shepard."
"I don't know if I want to hear this. Everything is okay between us."
"If it was bad, I wouldn't give it to you." He didn't trust her motives. There was a confidence about Liara that he never remembered her having. "I think you should understand her time with Cerberus."
"Play it." He said.
If this wasn't a suicide mission know that I'd drag your ass and we'd have this out. I hate you what you've done to us. Nothing can be this insane. You have the nerve to get all sanctimonious on Horizon. Who the hell are you? You say your sorry, but you haven't made one effort to see me. You've got Anderson running interference for you. Are you scared? Your actions. Maybe that doctor of yours been keep you busy. After everything I risked to be with you. I'm to angry to finished this right now.
"There's more." Liara said. "She made another recording."
Kaidan closed his mouth. He knew this was going to be painful.
Tomorrow we go into the Omega 4 relay. I regret not being able to get this mess right with you before I go. I can't talk to you about this. You'll have too many questions. The hatred and disgust in your eyes when I touched you that day. That brief moment in your arms made all the horror before that worth it. But then. My mother's mad. My becoming not dead ruined her grieving mom act. I saw a few of the vid of speeches she gave. Made me want to believe that she has a bit of love for me. Yes, I'm working with Cerberus, but I haven't joined them. Sometimes you have to get dirty to get the job done. One day when you have your own command you're learn this. Cerberus is just as corrupt as ever, but who else could I turn to. Not you. Anderson won't tell me anything. Having an unending budget help when planning a mission of this scale has been a huge advantage. I'm not sure if I want Liara to send this to you. Liara is. Well, I'll let her tell you if she chooses and no we haven't been together. She's been a good friend to both of us and any second chance we might have in the future we owe to her.
"What does she mean?" Kaidan felt himself tearing up. Liara stopped the recording.
"She never told you. I'm the one who turned her body over to Cerberus."
His heart dropped.
I wouldn't be here for you to hate if Cerberus hadn't brought me back. I'm nothing more than a reconstructed weapon for the Illusive Man. A Sacrifice. You asked if I remember our night before Ilos. That night profoundly changed my life. I …. I … Damn Kaidan, I'm not the enemy. I'm glad there's no vid only audio. I'm a mess. Nothing you haven't seen before. Remember the first time I challenge Garrus to a drinking contest. You told me to stay away from the exotic alien liquors, but I have a high tolerance for alcohol.
Kaidan heard her pound her fist on the desk emphasizing every word.
You got me back to the Normandy. I was so hoping you'd make your move. No such luck. I do remember grabbing your ass. A perfect gentleman. I've had a lot of sleepless nights without you. Fuck it. I'll sleep when I'm dead.
Glass struck glass.
Sometimes, I don't know. Am I me? I feel like me, but is there something I missed? You've been straight with me, but I don't have you anymore, do I? I'd give anything to walk through the door and have you waiting pretending to fix that damn panel. That Normandy doesn't exist anymore and neither do we. I've started listening to your message every night. I'm afraid my luck might run out. When that happens I play your message. Know I have no plans on dying on you twice. Hold on.
He heard a thump and then cursing. He looked to Liara for answers. "What is she doing?" Kaidan said. Liara shrugged. She was hurting also. How often had she listened to this?
If you were here I wouldn't feel the need to get this drunk. It's getting harder to sleep without. Um.
There was her laugh that he loved so much. She allowed herself a bit more freedom on the Normandy. She was always serious. There was no room for error ever because she understood people die when you're not focus on the goal.
I miss us. I took for granted the nights we had together. I foolishly believed we would always have them. How easy you made it for me to get through my nightmares. Especially after we made love, you would take my . . .
"I'll listen to the rest in private." Kaidan yelled knowing what Blakely was going to say next. Liara ended the recording. "And she had the time to get this to you before they entered the Omega 4 Relay."
"No, she never sent it to me."
"But how? Damn." He looked at her an in that moment he realized how much she had changed. "You're one hell of a Shadow Broker."
"Don't dare judge me. This was the information coup of a lifetime. No ship had ever returned from the Omega 4 Relay. What if she didn't return? After doing all of the planning and preparation what if she didn't return. I needed a way to track the Normandy."
"You're saying you would have gone in after her."
Liara challenged him. "Yes." She said flatly, balling her right hand into a fist. "Would you?"
Why was his brain coming up with every reason it wouldn't be appropriate? "So much for love." She said waving him off. "It's fine as long as it doesn't cost you anything."
"You're doubting that I love her. It's not that simple. I'm not made of the stuff you and Garrus are. That sounded xenophobic. Just say I'm not her type."
"Edi said she isn't your type. Edi crunched the numbers the odds that you to would meet connect and actually be able to tolerate the hundred of inconsistencies between you. The annoying habits. Blakely prefers older men you know."
"Maybe, I've done some growing up." He said.
"You need to loosen up. There is no guarenntee any of us will be here tomorrow. Love her. You won. Honestly, I don't understand the attraction. Both Biotics. Both the only Human Spectres. Dedicated your lives to the Alliance. Well, there might be something there, but none of that explains the connection you two have."
"Connection? I'm a big boy Liara I stopped believing in fairy tales years ago. The only thing keeping us together is love and a lot of effort and forgiveness. If we had a magical connection, I would have known that she wasn't dead."
"Liara." Blakely's voice came over the intercom. Kaidan was worried. She didn't sound good.
"One moment Shepard." She removed the OSD and slammed it into Kaidan's hand. "You can leave.