Reassignment

I do not own Invader Zim or any characters or ideas from it, they belong to Jhonen Vasquez.

However I do own my OCs: Galan, Meka, etc.

ZATR, OC/OC, Red/Tenn included

Xxx

Chapter One: There's only one Zim for this job...wait, what?

The city was called Foundation City, a marvel of science and business...and also filled with some of the dumbest people on the face of the planet. Despite how low the average IQ was, the people of Foundation City went about things business as usual, did what they had to and then fooled around. Luckily they knew how to do their repetitive jobs and then move on, and because of this zombie like dedication the city had prospered. It was also thanks to the creations of one Professor Membrane, part time mad scientist/UN Advisor/NASA Place Engineer/etc that the city contributed to both its country and the whole world at large.

But still, the stupidity was unbelievable. They wouldn't even know they were being invaded if an alien lived in their back yard...

Oh wait, one did, allow me to elaborate. This tiny alien was in the suburbs of Foundation City in a neighborhood filled with the general happy family that had health care from the more than honest Membrane Industries, plenty of food every day grown locally (again, Membrane Industries, the apparent solution to every problem in the world), and unlimited energy-of course after Membrane gave his audience a second chance and actually used that limitless energy generator of his for something. His house was situated in what had been an empty lot of grass, weeds, and dirt until he had arrived and moved in. Now his house, which was very narrow and tall with green walls and a bathroom sign on the door had brightly coloured pipes and cables extending into the neighboring homes and the sewers.

A single car pulled up in front of it, and a spotty young man got out. He sniffed, blew into a tissue, and then grabbed a single box of Bloaty's Pizza out of the back of his pig sty of a car. He walked over to the front door and knocked. He did not notice that as he had entered the property the gnomes had all locked onto him with their bulging eyes. Even as the door was opened the gnomes relayed the footage deep under the ground to a room where the pizza boy's silhouette was projected into a life sized image in mid air as a tiny figure stared with glowing blue-green eyes.

It licked its lips, a long dry tongue dragging along cold jagged lips. Then it grinned, showing off sharp, tiny teeth while its eyes flashed bright red.

"Uh...hello?" the Pizza Boy called inside. "...Bloaty's Pizza?"

Something was moving around on the far side of the living room, which had only a TV, a couch, a picture of a green monkey, and a small table with a phone on it. It was in the kitchen and coming towards him...

It was a dog. A tiny, green, big eyed dog with its tongue sticking out and was walking on its hind legs. It walked over and stared up at him before holding up some bills. "Yoooouuuuu gots mah pizza?"

Now usually this would disturb, maybe even frighten somebody...but sadly the citizens of Foundation City were all complete idiots. He handed the box to the dog and took the money. "Thank you for ordering at Bloaty's Pizza, have a Bloaty Day."

"...I wuv you," The dog nuzzled the box of pizza.

With a groan of irritation, the Pizza boy walked back to his car and hopped in. The Dog walked back into the house, the door shutting behind it. It set the box down in the kitchen and hopped up onto the table. It reached for its chest, where a zipper was all too visible and pulled it down...then it pushed back the dog head mask that covered its head. A silver robot with blue-green eyes, shoulders, and a matching square on its chest rubbed its hands together eagerly as it giggled.

It then lunged and dove head first into the box, ripping it apart and splattering cheese and pepperoni all over the kitchen as it gorged itself on the pizza. As it ate, something came out of an oddly placed toilet set against one side of the kitchen. This being was twice as tall as the robot, and had green skin with red eyes and antennae that stuck up and angled back. It wore black boots, tights, and a pink shirt with thin black stripes on it, and paler pink shoulder guards and collar-both triangular. The sleeves were also a pale pink, and he wore black gloves more suitable for lab work.

"..." It frowned as a little cheese splattered on its forehead. It calmly raised one hand to its head and wiped the cheese away, shaking the gooey substance off of its glove. Then it took a deep breath and opened its mouth to speak-

SPLAT! More cheese, this time covering its whole face. It gagged and spat the cheese out, rubbing the food off of its face. It growled. "GIR! What did I say about Pizza Diving!"

The Robot, GIR, stared at its master as it sat covered in cheese, sauce, and meat. "...Mastahsayswhat?"

"What?"

Suddenly GIR burst out cackling deliriously. "I gots yah mastah!"

The Irken took another breath. "Calm yourself Zim...you remember what the Anger Management Drone said...deep breaths...deep breaths-" SPLAT! This time the whole box, with what was left of the pizza hit Zim. "...GIR?"

"Yes mastah?"

Zim mumbled something.

"Wha?"

"..nnn"

"Wha?"

"...un."

"Wha?"

"...Run." Irken Invader Zim tore the box off his head. "DOOMDESTROYSLAUGHTER!"

He charged at GIR, who shrieked and leaped off the table. The robot ran into the living room with Zim in pursuit. After a moment Zim realized that his SIR unit was not shrieking in fear...but laughing eagerly. "You can't catch me! Woo hoo!"

"GIR! When I get my hands on you I'll turn your head into a soup bowl again!" Zim threatened.

"WEEEE!"

This, ladies and gentlemen, was Invader Zim. He is a very short Irken...who many other Irkens consider annoying and ugly above other things-despite him looking almost exactly the same as a billion other Irkens except for height. And he is also a mad scientist...or an angry scientist...or perhaps both given his history. His capacity for destruction has rarely been equalled, but his capacity to drive others insane with his actions has never and more than likely shall never be succeeded.

But what would never be successful was his attempts to take over the planet Earth.

However, he did have a new vocation coming to him...one that he would excel at perfectly.

Xxx

Several thousand light years away...

"A little to the left...no, no, now to the right." An Irken instructed his partner.

Both Irkens were incredibly tall, and had stick like figures under robes and armour. They floated off the ground, suspended by anti-gravity belts. One had a red colour scheme, and the other purple. They were currently manipulating the aim of a large cannon attached to the bow of a ship bigger than Earth's moon: The Massive. Below them was just the latest planet to be conquered by the Empire, some back water world that was mostly good for target practice.

"Okay...wait, no!" Tallest Purple cried out before his Pod Brother: Tallest Red fired the Massive's main cannon. "Awww! I wanted to save that spot for another candy factory!"

"Doh!" Red groaned. "Sorry Pur. Tell you what, you get to blow up one of my reserved spots to make it even?"

"Yay!" Purple took the controls and promptly blew away a peninsula. "Weee!...how many people lived down there?"

The Invader in charge of the conquest of this world: one Invader Tenn snapped a salute. "Approximately 6.7 million non-combatants, my Tallest!"

Ever since her bungle on Meekroob Tenn had been moved away from the front lines to be given some counselling and time off from war, and she needed it badly to get over being nearly killed by her own SIR units. But after she was put back on her feet, the Tallest had seen to give her a second chance with a smaller world to start her off. She had ended up disabling its orbital defences within a month and allowing the Armada to plough through the defence fleet around the world. Now there was just some cleaning up to do on the surface before things were done with the 834th conquered planet.

"Okay...one for the money...two for the show...three to get ready...and four to blast the bejeezus out of these suckers!" Purple cackled and fired, blasting away a mountain.

"Awww did you have to blow up my future ski resort?" Red whined.

"Look on the bright side Red! Now we can get to the mines under that mountain more easily!" Purple pointed out. "And more metals and ores means more monies, and more monies means more stuff we can shoot with and conquer other planets! And more planets means..." They exchanged a high five and finished the sentence together. "Ski resort planet!"

"Say...that reminds me," Red said once they were done laughing. "Didn't Zim mention that dirt ball of his having ski resorts?"

"Mhm...tempting," Purple nodded. "On the bright side we'd get to go skiing...on the down side we can't ski, and we'd have to go and meet with Zim!"

Despite how badly they wanted to, they could not simply walk up and blast Zim away. After the Control Brains found out that the Tallest had sent Zim on a 'mission' to Earth, they considered it Zim's 'attempt at reconciliation for his past deeds'. The Tallest were surprised to find that the Old Law applied to this situation; any soldier attempting to repay society for past mistakes is to be given full authorization to do so, and all colleagues and superiors are to assist when required. This meant that if Zim conquered Earth, they couldn't kill him! They'd even have to welcome him back as an Invader and award him appropriately!

It was to horrifying to imagine.

"...I think I'll get some lessons before I go skiing then," Red said sheepishly.

Suddenly the doors slid open, and a nervous drone rushed in. "My Tallest, sirs!" He saluted. "An important message just arrived!"

"Hm?" Red glanced down, already grabbing a soda. "Okay then, who's it from?"

"...The Seviant (Sev-eye-ant)." The drone swallowed.

Red spat out his drink onto the drone. "What?"

"Why would they call us?" Purple demanded. "Don't they know the meaning of 'don't call me, I'll call you'?"

"...but we never call them," Red pointed out.

"...oh yeah." Purple blinked. "Okay, if we're talking to the Seviant then I need donuts!" As he rushed off, Red looked at the drone. All of the fun and games were over, now he was in business mode.

"Drone! Relay the message to me!" The Tallest commanded.

"Sir! Messages begins: Dearest Relamad," Red winced as he was addressed by his true birth name. "Our world has been discovered by your enemies, and now they seek to destroy us, mistaking us for one of your colonies. As you know, the Seviant are neutral in your war on the rest of the known galaxy; but you are required by the Old Law and the treaty to assist us in ceasing hostilities towards us. We have already dispatched an ambassador who we expect you to take to the world of Xal-Rimina, where we have just barely managed to arrange for peace talks. We have been unable to find safe passage with our own ships, as our world is located deep within what is now called 'Anti-Irken territory'. I fear that if you do not help us, the Seviant shall be overrun within several years.

In return for this help, I shall pledge the Seviant's ship yards to repair your vessels whenever they pass through our territory. But in return our system and the surrounding territory is to be made a neutral ground where neither Imperial nor Rebel ship can fight, and the rebel ships shall also be given assistance. Any space within ten light years of Sevintar is to be a neutral zone.

I beg of you as old friends, Relamad. Take this ambassador to Xal-Rimina and guard him during the peace talks.

Signed- Empress Mekraphis, sovereign of the Sevantis.

Message ends, my Tallest."

The Seviant was the Irken Empire's dirty little secret: one of its greatest yet most dangerous allies and the only faction of Irkens to be allowed to exist outside of the Empire. Over two thousand years ago, they had been a part of Irk's elite class; specifically they were the elite warriors and aristocrats of Irk, second only to the Tallest. Then a rift formed as the Tallest at the time: Tallest Minta began to take away privileges from the Seviant, and attempted to black mail them into forcing their leader to marry him. At the time marriage and natural mating was common. The Seviant had merely been a clan back then, one of several clans really.

Now the clans were gone, because the Seviant had chosen to leave Irk entirely and travel to a distant world to rebuild. Tens of thousands had followed them, but Minta only considered the exodus a minor loss. Now it left him in total control of Irk and allowed him to restructure it as he saw fit. First he dismissed the clans, having the leaders paid off or killed. The stubborn ones died or fled to follow the Seviant. After he had full control of Irk and had implemented the use of the PAK, Minta had attempted to bring the Seviant clan back under his power a full century after their exodus.

But when he sent a fleet to force the Seviant to kneel, he was met with a powerful armada. He chose to meet with the Seviant Empress to negotiate, but attempted to have her killed for defying him a century ago. In return her guards slaughtered him and his escorts, leaving the next tallest Irken in charge...

Tallest Miyuki, who had been friends with the Seviant Empress long before the clan became an empire of its own chose to create a treaty with the Seviant. They would maintain their independence, and any attack made against them would be punishable by death. In return the Seviant would not interfere in the business of the Irken Empire unless both parties mutually agreed to allow interaction between the two. Afterwards the Seviant enjoyed over two thousand years of peace, and mourned the deaths of both Miyuki and their own Empress (who had died of natural causes unlike Miyuki). The Empress' daughter had sent her own child: Mekaphris, otherwise known as Meka to Irk.

This was done as a cultural exchange between the two factions, and she had formed a bond of friendship with Red and Purple when they had merely been officers in the Irken Army. Now they all led billions of Irkens, and had a war on their hands. Red felt a small tinge of guilt for bringing this down upon one of the few who he considered to be a friend besides Purple. Besides, Mekaphris was pretty tall too, and there are several unwritten rules when it comes to being a Tallest:

Number One: Stay in shape.

Number Two: Don't take crap from anybody shorter than you.

Number Three: You knock it up, you lock it up-of course this one was hardly necessary thanks to pod breeding being the fashion these days.

Number Four: Never steal a co-Tallest's snacks, or underwear (an 'unwritten addition' made during the co-ruling of Miyuki and Spork)

And Number Five: Don't ruin the day of anybody tall enough to earn your respect.

"...Red?" Purple waved a hand in front of his face.

"My Tallest?" Tenn and the drone stared at him. He seemed to be in a trance...

In reality there was a little meter inside his head. The needle was stuck on the far left, pointing at 'So not in the mood for this crap', but slowly moved towards 'Might as well do it'...

Ding!

"...Pur?"

"Yeah Red?"

"...we gotta do it."

"What? Why?" Purple whined. "I mean when have the Seviant done anything for us?"

"Pur, the Old Law is clear." Red groaned. "They're in danger, they're Irkens, and they're making us a fair offer. Besides, with the Sevintar system and the few surrounding light years we'd have a safe place to restock and rearm the armada on a regular basis. You know how expensive it is to wait after every fourth or fifth invasion for ammunition and fuel to be sent from nearby planets."

"..." Purple stared at him like he had another head. "...I still don't wanna go!"

Damn it, unless Purple gave his consent then this wouldn't work! He needed an incentive...

"...what if we don't go?" Red asked.

"...huh?"

"What if we assign some body guards for this Ambassador?"

"But who would be stupid enough to go through Rebel Territory?" Purple inquired. "I mean you'd have to be some kind of stupid to try that! You'd be torn apart unless you were the best of the best of the best of the best-"

"My Tallest, incoming call from..."

Red groaned as Purple kept going. "...best of the best of the best of the best-"

"Please don't let it be Zim, please don't let it be Zim, please don't let it be Zim!" Red whispered before snapping at the officer who spoke. "If it's a call from Earth you're so dead."

The communication drone squeaked. "Sorry my tallest b-but it's from Earth! It's Zim!"

"...OUT THE AIR LOCK!" Red shouted, but then paused as something clicked in his brain...

"Wait!" The two elite guards stopped, in the process of stuffing the poor drone into an air lock. "...on second thought, patch Zim through." The Tallest waved a hand. "Get him out of there so I can talk to Zim already!"

The occupants of the Massive's bridge gasped in collective horror at what Red said. One guard was so startled that he fell back against the wall, one hand on his chest...and accidently hit the button which sealed the inner door and sent the poor officer flying out into space. As he flew out of the ship he shouted. "With my last breath I curse Invader Skooooodge!"

Xxx

Many light years away, Invader Skoodge was working on a poison to use on the Slaughtering Rat People of Blorch. "Almost...almost!" Suddenly the vial shattered. "Meep!" A cloud rose up from the puddle of green liquid on the work table, and Skoodge paled as he inhaled it...and held his arms out in front of him as his eyes clouded over and drool ran down his chin. "Braaaaains..."

Well on the bright side he ended up conquering Blorch within a week after that happened. On the down side...it's a little hard to turn a zombie back to normal.

Zombie Skoooooodge!

Xxx

"Uh...okay...get me the uh...next communications drone then?"

A drone was shoved into the seat. "On it my Tallest! Connecting to-" He swallowed. "Zim..."

Suddenly the face of the Blight of Irkenkind appeared on the screen. "My Tallest! Tallest? My Tallest? Tallest! Hi! Hey! Hey my Tallest! Look at me! Hi! Hi! Look at me my Tallest! Hey! Over here-"

"Zim!" Red raised one hand. "I can't wait three hours this time."

"...hi! My tallest?"

Red groaned. "Invader Zim!" Zim snapped to attention. You had to give the pest credit, he remembered his disciplinary training. "I have an important task for you! One that is so dangerous and suicidal..." Red grinned evilly. "I'd only trust it with somebody like you."

"Ooh! A new task? But wait a second..." Zim stood in thought for a few seconds. "...Zim already has a mission! To conquer...the stupid stinky pig smelly hyoooomans!" Zim raised one clenched fist to the sky and shook it. "Curses they stink so bad! Them and their cheeses! The cheeses are the worst I tell you!"

"Focus!" Red insisted. "Zim...I need you to abandon your mission at Earth-temporarily of course! This is so important that it could decide the fate of the whole Empire!"

"Hmmm very well my Tallest! Zim shall listen!" Zim nodded.

"Have you ever heard of the Seviant?"

"...the what now?" Zim asked.

"Perfect!" Red nodded. "Anyways, we need you to escort one of their ambassadors."

"What? Escorting some outsider? How does this affect the whole Empire?" Zim demanded.

In the back of his mind, a random though appeared...

Is this yet another weird attempt to couple Zim together with some annoying female fan character? Bah! Never...wait, what?

Zim forgot what he was thinking about as quickly as he had started...if he ever really did think at all.

"Zim, the Seviant are Irkens!" Red insisted. "They're just...a super secret part of the Empire! Yes..." He nodded, proud of his little white lie. "And you must escort this ambassador to Xal-Rimina."

"But that is the heart of the rebel sector itself! How is Zim to drag some stuffy ambassador all the way there and back?" Zim asked.

"You're an Invader," Red shrugged. "You'll think of something. Now if you could just get here so we can meet with the ambassador, it would be very much apprecia-" suddenly the screen split in half, one side covered in static. "...ted?"

"Hey! No jacking Zim's line!" Zim shouted, glaring to his left at the static covered section of the screen as if it was right next to him.

"Finally!" A voice with an accent that humans would call British snapped. "It only took me a damn month to get this radio working! Hello? Hello? I need help! I'm trapped in an escape pod!"

"YOU!" Zim pointed at the other half of the screen as it cleared up and revealed the face of a purple eyed Irken. She had squared curly antennae, and a device attached to her forehead...

"Zim! So we meet aga-"

"YOU!" Zim roared, his pointed arm shaking with fury.

"Yes, it is I! And we meet a-"

"YOU!" Zim wailed, waving his pointing arm up and down and shouting to the ceiling of his lab.

"...okay I won't even-"

"YOOOUUUU!"

"...I'm done."

"...you." Zim said plainly.

"...who's she again?" Purple asked Red.

"That would be Tak," Red sighed, one hand on his head to fight off the growing headache. "Okay Red, remember what the anger management drone said...deep breaths...picture lots of chocolate...rivers of soda...mountains of nachos covered in cheese..." His stomach growled. "Aw ffff-fuddy duddy now I remember why I shoved that squirt out the air lock in the first place!" He still stuck to the part where the drone told him to cut down on swearing.

"So that's why he stopped calling Zim! For a moment I thought he was avoiding me!" Zim exclaimed, having heard Red's words.

Purple snickered. "Did you just say fuddy duddy, Red? Care for some adult swear words?"

"Shut up or no donut deliveries tonight!" Red growled at his co-ruler. "Look, Zim! Get over to the Massive! We can talk here!"

"W-wait! My Tallest! What about me?" Tak pleaded. "I've been stuck out here for a month! My robot is broken down; my food supply is almost out! Please don't leave me to die!" She put on a pouty, wide eyed look, her eyes watering a bit as she stared at Red...

Who unfortunately was a total sucker for the 'puppy dog eyes' look. He groaned. "...Zim, retrieve Tak and bring her here too."

"Awww!...yes my Tallest," Zim sighed. "Invader Zim signing off...and wanting a raise."

"No deal."

"Doh!" Zim cut the link and vanished.

"Thank you my Tallest!" Tak said cheerily before she shut off her radio...and grinned evilly. "For another chance to get rid of that infernal annoyance! The moment he lets me onto his ship, he's dead!"

Xxx

ONE...HOUR...LATER

"AHHHH!" Tak screamed, her pod shaking as Zim towed it behind his Voot Cruiser, taking advantage of his new Hyper Engines to reduced an eight month trip to an eight hour trip. "Why can't you just bring me on board?"

"What? On board my ship? Pah!" Zim spat. "Never ! If I let you on you...you'd...do...stuff...yes! All the stuff that you would do in the sanctity of my ship! NEVER I SAY!"

He sat back in his chair. "So relax back there and enjoy the ride, because that's how you're getting to the Massive, Tak-Beast."

He looked around. "Hmmm...why does Zim feel that he has forgotten something...?"

Xxx

Back on Earth...

Zim's base was now host to a totally wild party! Half naked show girls, shirtless guys, pulsing lights, bulging muscular bouncers. And on the stage, GIR was in his doggie costume and dancing at the feet of many humans. Overhead, Minimoose had a disco ball sticking out of his belly...

And it was an all night party which would repeat every day until Zim came back.

Xxx

"...nah! Zim never forgets! At least not anything useful!" Zim chuckled, listening to Tak's incessant screaming. "Ah...music to Zim's antennae."

And so it would be like this for seven more hours.

Xxx

End of chapter!