The summons to New Vulcan was a surprise.

Kirk and the rest of the crew had just settled into a comfortable, efficient routine; their five year mission was going well and morale was high.

Spock and Kirk had also settled into a sort of routine – they were almost-kinda-maybe together, which meant that they were both absolutely lost without the other but unwilling to admit it. They spent most of their free time together; playing chess, doing research, sparring in the gym, or just quietly sharing a room for a few hours, avoiding the chaotic bustle of the ship. They also fucked- a lot.

But as for admitting to anything involving feelings or romance, or worse, commitment- well, that wasn't quite as comfortable, and often ended in bloodshed.

Spock quietly mourned this; his older counterpart had implied several times over the last year or so that they were intended, destined to be together, and Kirk's rejection was painful, eating away a hollow, empty space where his heart should be every time they touched. He didn't say anything to Jim, knowing that the younger man would laugh, or just ignore the conversation altogether in the way he always dealt with emotional unrest. But he felt, deeply; and he became quiet, withdrawn in a way that could only be noticed by those looking the hardest. His performance at work did not falter, of course; that would have been completely unacceptable- but Kirk noticed that he was not as easy to make almost-smile, and that he was less focused on their chess matches, often losing clumsily to moves he could easily have stopped.

Jim also mourned, though less quietly and with more rage. He could not understand why Spock was being so awkward, so quiet with him. He wanted the easy friendship- and more- that had developed so tentatively over the last few years. He didn't want Spock attempting to avoid his company as much as possible.

And Kirk wanted Spock- all of him; his stupid haircut right down to his soul. He wanted to touch him, to taste him and have him always, and no one else- and that was fucking terrifying. He could barely touch the Vulcan without getting an uncomfortable erection, his thoughts racing frantically to hide the lust coursing through him from the touch telepath. It was a daily battle to remain in control of himself- he would not, could not risk rejection, not from Spock. It would kill him.

So he made do with what he had, and silently seethed, hating himself and Spock completely illogically.

When the summons came, Kirk was sprawled in his chair, deep in thought.

"Transmission from New Vulcan, Captain," Uhura said from behind him, jolting Kirk back to reality. "Huh?"

"There is a transmission from a Vulcan ambassador, Captain."

"Put it on the viewscreen."

A dignified, grey-haired Vulcan appeared on screen, his face as serene as ever, but his tone urgent in a manner only Spock noticed, causing him to move and stand beside his Captain's chair.

"Captain Kirk. We request your presence on New Vulcan immediately. I am sorry to impose on you and your crew at such short notice; rest assured that it is indeed urgent. We will of course provide accommodation and entertainment for your crew; they will be free to enjoy shore leave on our planet while yourself and Commander Spock attend to business."

"Business?" Spock enquired, his head tilted slightly to the right.

"Yes…I am afraid that Ambassador … Spock-" the Vulcan paused slightly. "Forgive me; he made me aware of the circumstances surrounding his identity so that I could relay this message to you. He believes that he is dying, Captain. He requested your presence."

Both Spock and Jim stood in silence as they processed this information.

Dying-Spock thought. He- I am dying. I do not know how to feel. He was at a loss; grief for the death to come clashing strangely with a disconnected, empty feeling of resignation. It was early; he would have predicted his elder counterpart to live a longer life. However it was perhaps logical. Spock's heart twisted painfully as he came to the only conclusion which seemed accurate.

Spock Prime had outlived his Jim- as he had described to Spock, his T'hy'la- by ninety-six years, now. He had nothing left to live for.

That his Jim was supposed to be the same for Spock, if his counterpart was correct, was a terrifying, bone-shaking thought. What if his Jim died again- or worse, what if he died before they had managed to work out how to do this relationship, and he couldn't be brought back? It was unbearable. Spock had lost him once; he was not prepared to do it again.

Jim was also struggling.

Why would he want to see me? I barely know him. Surely Spock should do this- he can't want me being near him. Then he glanced at Spock and knew that he couldn't let the Vulcan deal with this on his own, no matter how awkward he felt. It would be cruel.

How old is he, anyway? He looked pretty old. Wonder what's wrong with him-

"We'll be there as soon as we can, Ambassador," Kirk said quietly, his throat dry, before cutting the transmission.

He hadn't stopped looking at Spock, at the painful, strong emotions on his face despite his silence. His heart ached for the loss Spock must be feeling, and he reached out a hand to touch the Vulcan hesitantly.

"Are you okay?"

"I…do not know, Captain," Spock replied honestly, turning troubled eyes on his Captain. "I am experiencing conflicting emotions."

"Me too, Spock," Kirk replied with a sigh. "Do you know what's wrong with him?"

"I believe I do; however I do not wish to discuss it here. Perhaps your quarters?"

"Sure. Sulu, you know what to do. Don't get too comfortable in that chair." Kirk stood, stretching painfully as he followed Spock to the turbolift.

Spock remained silent until the door closed behind them in Kirk's quarters.

"So what is it, Spock?"

"Captain, this may seem … sentimental. I am hesitant to continue."

"C'mon, Spock- I need to know as well, apparently."

"I believe that Spock Prime simply has nothing left to live for."

"What do you mean?"

Spock hesitated for a long moment as he attempted to put order to his thoughts. Kirk looked at him expectantly.

"He made it clear to me on several occasions that him and the Jim of his timeline were more than friends- and also, more than just lovers."

Jim blinked. More than -just- lovers? I don't get it.

"I see you require further explanation. I am not sure I can provide it accurately. They were- and I use the Vulcan because I know no completely correct translation- T'hy'la. The most correct Standard words would be friend, brother, or lover, although it is more than all three of these words together."

I don't think I get what he is trying to tell me.

I don't think he fully understands what I am telling him.

"So…where is his Jim?"

"Dead, Captain. He has been for ninety-six years."

In another timeline, I'm dead for good, Jim thought with a faint sense of horror. I had everything, and I died. "How old was I- how old was he?" What if Bones hadn't been able to bring me back? What if I'd stayed dead, and Spock never knew how I feel?

"I do not know."

"So…he's just given up?"

"Vulcans are not like humans. When they choose a mate, they bond- a mental link which is both wonderful and intimate, allowing the transferral of thoughts, feelings, and emotions between both bonded Vulcans. When one partner dies, that link breaks-often painfully, permanently, and occasionally with great damage to the other. It can be…incredibly difficult…to continue."

"And we have to go do what with Spock Prime?"

"I can only assume, Captain, that he wishes to impart some knowledge to us before his passing."

"But won't I just make it harder for him?"

"Perhaps." Likely. If I feel pain that you do not want me as I want you, my counterpart must also feel the loss of his Jim when he looks at you.

"Well, I guess he knows what he's doing."

"Indeed." I do not know.