The murmers and whispers in the war room were almost deafening. Between that and the blindingly bright lights Shepard could feel a migraine coming on. She pinched the bridge of her nose and squinted her eyes, hoping to ease the tension. The futile effort of it just made it worse.
'You should get some sleep you know. You're no use to anyone as a walking half dead zombie.' Even Garrus' low voice stung her ear drums and made shots of pain travel behind her eyes. She groaned glumly and flipped through the list of war assets she'd acquired so far.
'I'll sleep when I'm dead.' Which will probably be pretty soon, she thought to herself. Best not to say anything out loud that would lower morale. A half suicidal, half too-stubborn-to-die commander and captain of the ship would probably just destroy the months of pep talks and inspirational speeches she put so much effort into doing.
'Shepard, please. You need your beauty sleep.' Funny she thought shrugging her shoulders. 'You definitely need it.' He said, whispering in her ear. She allowed herself to laugh, just to lighten up a little. Enough to stop feeling like the weight of the whole goddamn world was on her shoulders.
'Fine.' She realized she was too tired to even read anything on the datapad that Tali had left for her without squinting and refocusing her eyes every five minutes and she caved. But then she remembered one more thing she had to do. 'Garrus.' The Turian turned from the terminal he was working at, no doubt working on some kind of calibrations. 'Tell Traynor to send Kaidan up to my cabin would you? He said he needed to discuss some things with me.' He raised an eyebrow plate and smiled slightly.
'Ahh a lover's tiff?' Chuckling he placed a hand on Shepard's shoulder. 'I'm right though aren't I?' With her face as still as stone, Shepard brushed Garrus' hand off her and shook her head.
Sat anxiously on her couch in the captain's cabin, Shepard twiddled her thumbs and kicked off her shoes. No, too informal. She had to show Kaidan she was in charge, she had to show him she wasn't some stupid girl, flustered and trying too hard. Of course the irony was that she was trying to hard to not look like she cared.
She slipped her boots back on just as the cabin door opened. The lights were so dim she could scarcely see his eyes.
'We playing hide and seek Commander? I can't see a thing.' Blushing, she hurled herself up off the couch.
'EDI, a little more light please?'
'Of course Commander.' The room brightened and all Shepard could look at was Kaidan's smiling face. She'd never understood how he could be so chirpy and enthusiastic all the time. She wiped the palms of her hands on her pants and shuffled in her place a little.
'Kaidan. I believe you wanted to talk to me.' She gestured for him to sit down and he obliged. He sat, crossing one foot on the opposite knee and laying back into the seat. Shepard continued to stand, moving behind the coffee table so she could look directly at him.
'Yeah, Commander look I-' The anxiety got to her far more intensely that she'd anticipated. The sweat was already thick on her palms and her mouth was so dry she found it painful to swallow. She could no longer take the childish games that Kaidan played with her. They were at war. They were fighting the reapers and they were trying to save the entirety of galactic civilization and yet the major was still playing footsie at dinner and dropping flirtations compliments at every opportunity.
'Major Alenko, please. Let me just tell you how this is going to go down.' Kaidan lowered his right leg and sank further into his seat. The smile was no longer lingering on his face. 'We are not at highschool, we don't get to have crushes and flirt over dinner. Hell most of us aren't even getting laid we're so busy.' The major shifted uncomfortably in his seat and Shepard wondered if he was just like James. Was it all smoke and mirrors? As soon as you take the farce away there was nothing left to give? 'I don't care if you're trying to fuck around with me so I can sleep with you, or you just do it for fun, but it stops now Major. We have a mission- the most important mission of our lives, of anyone's lives. I don't have time for you.' Too harsh. If he ever was genuinely interested in her, he wouldn't be anymore. 'This. I meant this. I don't have time for this.' Her voice was so weak that it trailed off into silence at the end of her sentences. Kaidan's face was blank. Whatever emotion she had envoked; anger, sadness, amusement? There was no trace of it on his face. Always had a good poker face Major.
Kaidan rose from his seat, rolling his eyes and smiling a little. He let our a small breathy laugh.
'Commander please.' There it was. The cockiness. 'Do you really think I'm not aware of how important our mission is?' Shepard was embarrassed, she felt belittled, mitigated by one of her own crew.
'Major are you second guessing your CO?' He laughed again.
'Yeah. I'm second guessing my CO's ability to take a hint.' Kaidan had changed over the last couple of years. Shepard remembered the shy biotic with insightful opinions and chummy jokes when they were taking down Saren. 'I like you Shepard, I always have.' Her breath caught in her throat and she could feel the intense heat on her cheeks before she even had time to process what he had said.
Kaidan took her waist in his hands and pulled her closer. His face was inches away from hers. She could feel his breath on her neck, her skin tingling. 'Maybe I wasn't clear enough Shepard.'
He pushed her back onto the bed, smiling as he did so. Shepard fell back onto the sheets, her mouth still agape and mind swirling.
'Major I-' He put his hand on her mouth and laughed.
'Unless that's an objection to what I'm about to do Shepard, I don't want you to say a damned thing.' He kissed her forcefully, like he was afraid she'd leave, like he had to contain her with just his mouth. His hands caressed her waist and moved down to unbutton her pants. There were really no clear thoughts for Shepard, she wanted -for once- to just enjoy the moment. To just allow herself to do what she wanted and to feel what she wanted to feel. She grabbed a tuft of his hand in her hands and wrapped both her arms around his neck, pulling his body even closer. Their lips parted just long enough for her to speak.
'Kaidan I had no idea-' One of his hands was underneath her underwear before she even had time to finish what she was saying.