Sin With A Grin

by Dawnandspike4eva

This is the prequel to Feeding Time! Couldn't handle this anymore. The way it felt. The way her whole body felt so wrong. The pain was unbelievable. It was like the love of her life was dead. But she had this demon to torment and remind her. R/R please!

"Thank you for reminding me of why I'm sick inside,

Thank you for the venom, did you think it would paralyze?

These scars I scratch, I tear, are there under my skin

Where you've always been

Thank you for reminding me to sin with a grin."

Her blue eyes rolled back into her head as she forced open her lids. She attempted to stretch, always a very bad idea. Her tired bones cracked and she refused to let herself screech from the pain. Any slight release of emotion could lead to a complete outburst, and she could not have that. Couldn't show the world that every moment stung, every day was a waste of energy. Especially not him. Her killer. Her curse, her lover. Everything all melded into one.

Dawn woke to the night. Never the daytime. Because it was his rules, and he lived in the night and slept during the day. She had to do what he wanted. Because no matter what this was all her fault. She let him have that taste of the kill he adored so much. She lost the man she loved. This was not him, only a piece of him. All this gave her was pain. That face she use to love now held all the aching that coursed through her body.

"Rise and shine pet." The bleach blondes accent echoed through her body. Couldn't forget that sound. It had it's own glory and evil to it. It own power over her that she could never escape.

"What do you want?" Dawn snapped, forcing a glare his way. She rolled over pulling the covers across her supple frame. Hated when he looked at her, yet despised worse when he didn't.

"Well..." Spike slid over her slowly. What would it be tonight? Would she go along with his games as if she were not even there? Or was she going to fight it like she sometimes did? oh he really hoped she would fight. "I think we should go out. And you should put on that little black number I bought you last week." His smirk was enough. She knew whether or not she wanted it to, tonight would end in blood shed. She shook at the thought. Always ended in bloodshed.

"Im tired." Dawn attempted to put up a fight. "We always go out." She really was tired. Exhausted. The kind of exhaustion that goes to the core and never leaves, not with the mere rescue of sleep.

"Or..." Spike knew how to cure this, he moved his body that was on top of hers. "We could stay in, I know how much you love it when we stay in." His eyes devoured her body.

Dawn cringed. nights in were sometimes more painful than nights out. The mind games, the hurtful words. The lack of sleep. "Okay, ill get ready." She rose from her bed without delay. Dawn applied her makeup the way he wanted it. No red lipstick anymore, she loved red. But he preferred the gloss, liked the way she tasted like strawberries. Didn't want it to smear. She slid the silky black dress over her body, it was barely a dress. But he enjoyed that, and so far it was his rules. So much she wished it could be her rules, one night. One second.

"Ready sweet thing?" Spike's wicked voice seared through her bones.

"As ready all I'll ever be." Her tongue danced around the words. The ones she wanted to speak. She wanted to scream, cry, tell him she missed him. But she had tried and that game, never worked. That game almost made things worse.

The night dragged on with him drinking and plotting. They walked through the streets of their new city. Rome. That was the city this week, at least. They traveled and that was Dawns favorite part of being with him...now. The only times when she enjoyed going out.

Spike spotted a young man sitting on a bench, alone. He was the perfect victim and he knew it would be simple, especially for a girl like Dawn. No not a girl, not exactly a women, not sure what she was. Something really special. Something all his. He demanded her to go along with the usual plan. Lure the young man into an alley way. And then, the fun would begin. But to Spike, every moment was fun.

Dawn did as he demanded, as always, could not deny him. Her master. Her only lover. She walked over to the young man slowly, trying to be seductive. It was not hard anymore, Spike showed her how. She sat beside him biting her bottom lip. Attracting men to your mouth is always a good way to lure them in.

"So, you alone tonight?" She asked flipping her hair, smiling with her eyes.

"uh, y-y-yeah." He was hooked. And he didn't even know her name.

"Want me to show you a good time?" Dawn asked, wanted to tell him to run away. This young man was totally unaware that this was his worst nightmare brought to life. Thinking it was his best dream.

"Yeah..." He smiled from ear to ear. She had such an allure, one could only imagine what she would be like, as an immortal.

"Follow me." Dawn sighed. He did as she said. She began to walk into an alley way, as it got darker the man couldn't think of anything but the beautiful girl in front of him. As they were deep into the alley Dawn turned around.

"So..." The man grabbed a hold of her.

"Listen...you should run..." She warned fear in her own voice. She was attempting to rescue him. Something she rarely tried, but she did. Had to. Easing the guilt was the only way to keep herself alive.

"Why would I wanna do that beautiful?" He pulled her closer. "And you really shouldn't touch me." Her voice was even more fearful than before. This poor guy. He had no idea of the grave he was burying himself in.

"I thought you were gonna show me a good time sugar?" He squeezed her tighter...too tight...she squealed. She wished she had concealed the pain better. Because he would pay for that.

Spike appeared from the shadows, anger searing through him. He didn't even look human, his furiousness was so apparent. Spike grabbed the man and pinned him against the wall by his throat. Spike looked into his soon to be victims eyes. "You made so many mistakes tonight kid." Spike chided in a low tone. "First you followed a girl into an alley way that was way out of your league." The blonde smirked. "Second you touched her." He furrowed his eyebrows. "And last you hurt her." Spike growled, his voice was not human. He squeezed the mans throat tighter.

"Spike?" Dawn pleaded.

"Ill deal with you next." Spike turned.

"Please..." The man begged. "I didn't mean to..."

"Shut up..." Spike squeezed his throat again so he choked. "Do not speak while I am speaking. Now your gonna have to lose your throat." Spike suddenly tore the mans throat from his body. Dawn screamed as she watched chunks of meat and blood fly into the air. Spike chuckled and licked the blood from his hands. Dawn couldn't turn away from the mess on the pavement.

"Spike..." Dawn pleaded as he flew towards her in a fit of rage. His hands around her neck suddenly. No where near as tightly as the man on the ground had endured.

"You warned him. Told him to run." Spike pinned her against the wall.

"Spike..." Dawn whined.

"When are you going to realize..." Spike began to complain. "I do this all for you...I could have any one I want you know. but I want you." Spike warned.

"Demons, you could have demons." Dawn reminded him.

"Same thing." The blonde didn't release his hold. "Are you ever gonna be on my side?"

"Spike...I...can't...breathe." Dawn gasped.

Spike huffed and let Dawn loose. She grabbed her throat and fell to the ground. "Let's go home." He looked down at her hurt face. His face unchanging.

They continued home, the bloodshed seemed to be over for the night. Dawn only prayed it was true. Home was never home to her anymore. It was some strange place, clouded with despair.

Spike looked over at Dawn who was lying on her bed. She demanded separate beds. But it didn't matter because he demanded that he slept in hers. Every night. No matter how much she fought. They shared a nice hotel room, another Dawn loved about being with Spike, he did have connections. At least the places they lived in were large, lots of room.

"Why do you look so glum?" Spike asked coldly. Always so cold. Always about cold words and hot touches. They had that, attraction. That was it now. She still remembered what it was like, when he loved her. Vaguely. But she held on to that feeling. As tight as she could.

"I'm not," she lied. She was use to lying now. Because he had taught her that it was the only way to win in life. 'Lie your way to what you want baby.' The words spun in her head. His words, over and over again. His voice was all she heard now. Couldn't remember the way anyone else sounded.

"Well, I think..." Spike sauntered over to Dawn. "That I want one of our special nights in." Spike smirked crawling on top of Dawn.

"Spike..." Dawn pleaded. "I went tonight...so that means I get to rest." She reminded him. Reminded him of the rules, his rules.

"But you broke the rules and you know what that means." Spike smirked sliding his body on top of her. She knew what it meant.

"Spike.." She pleaded again. It was useless. This was going to be a long night and she knew it. This was how it usually went. No...this was how it always went. His rules. Never hers. Why can't he just love me. I miss him so much. Her thoughts of the past clouded her mind as she ignored Spike's body on top of hers. Though that was inhumanly impossibly. Because as much as she tried to deny it, she loved the way he felt. Because she still loved him, even like this. Even when he made her feel like she was breaking inside.

Dawn woke the next morning wishing she hadn't. She felt so alone, even with him still wrapped around her. But no matter what she could never leave him, because this was her mistake, and she still loved him. Every time he touched her it left pieces behind, it hurt. Because she remembered, that it was her fault. If only she hadn't begged for him to taste her. Because it was always the blood. Needed the blood. Maybe it would have happened anyways. But Dawn had to make herself believe that was not true, because she had to have a reason to stay. No matter how much it hurt, because she still needed him, even if it killed her. And if she blamed herself for this mess, than she owed this to him. Because it was her fault. Always.

He was everything she ever wanted and this was going to kill her eventually. Maybe he would kill her eventually. She didn't really care. Couldn't leave him. Not him. Dawn was just a shell of her former self and that was alright. Because she would hold on to him for eternity, if she had to. She couldn't live without him. Without this. Though it was killing her, surely, definitely.

Spike could feel that Dawn was awake. Her breathing had changed. He hated that she never let him know when she had woken. She always tried to pretend that she was still sleeping. Didn't move. Just laid there. Why did she do that? Did she really hate him that much? Fear him that much? No. Dawn didn't fear anything. He knew that. His little pillar of strength. But she was crumbling right before him. He realized that, it was probably his fault. Better he rarely took the blame for anything.

Spike squeezed Dawn just a little bit. She moaned. "Awake pet?" Spike smiled. He knew she was. And now she couldn't deny it. She had let him know by making her sounds, the ones he loved. Adored. Cherished. Every sound.

"Mhm..." Dawn's voice was weak. It seemed like she was always weak lately, like nothing could wake her up completely.

"I missed you while you slept." Spike rubbed his face against hers. He kissed the brunette lying before him on the forehead.

Dawn looked up at him in dismay. "I was right here." Could he really be affectionate? Was he back? She didn't dare get her hopes up. Too much.

Spike squeezed her tight inside his arms. "I love you baby." Spike breathed her scent in. Lavender and strawberries. Delicious.

"Uhm..." Dawn couldn't think. She blinked. "I-love-you-too." She replied slowly.

That was a good day. No a great day. A day of love making, and ice cream. And renting movies she wanted to see. Dawn didn't understand it. Didn't want to. Because she knew it wouldn't last. And it didn't.

Dawn grabbed a taxi back to the hotel. Spike allowed her to go out on her own on occasion when he wanted to do his own business. She slid the key into the door and walked into the hotel room. Dawn put her shopping bags onto the floor. She heard a noise from the inside of the hotel room. It sounded like a scream. Muffled. Not again. She ran.

The sight she saw shook her to the core. Angel. The dark vampire was chained to the walls. He was bloodied and he had been tortured. Why? She knew. Because Spike knew something. That she had been talking to him. Saw the phone bills. Saw the emails. Saw something he shouldn't have. But she never told him anything. And it was only to have a friend. She needed a friend. And old friend. Spike did not see it that way.

"Spike!" Dawn hollered. "What in the hell are you doing?" Her voice shook in fear. This was not good.

"I think you know." Spike had a knife in his hands. "You have been talking to our little poofter here. Haven't you Dawnie?" Spike slid the knife over Angels skin. He yelped, clenching his eyes shut.

"Yes, but Spike I never said anything about where we were, and It's not that you think." She tried to explain.

"Mhm." Spike nodded. "Angel you just have to go after everything that belongs to me, don't you." The blonde looked angry. "Dawnie is mine."

"Spike nothing happened, nothing would." Dawn promised.

"Nothing will." Spike confirmed as he grabbed a stake and quickly stabbed Angel in the heart. The dust floated through the room and landed on the floor.

Dawn couldn't help but cry. Her childhood friend. Her sisters first love. He was gone. Someone she loved. And because of the man she loved. He really would kill her. Eventually...maybe not this time. The tears ran down her face and came out in sobs.

"Now nothing will." He repeated looking at the dust. "Baby?" He looked at his ruined lover on the ground. Why did he always hurt her?

Later that morning Dawn lay in her bed barely breathing. Spike wrapped his arms around her and she tried to pushed him away but her body didn't move. His touch soothed the pain, and every time he moved it made it worse. What he had just done, she knew he was capable of. Yet she was surprised. How could she love such a monster. Such a destroyer of life. And of her. He took her soul and tore it to pieces bit by bit.

Dawn knew her life before Spike was not that great. She spent every second in the shadow of the slayer. Buffy was the hero. Everyone adored her. Spike also spent everyone second in her shadow because he couldn't kill her, or have her. So he took her little sister. When she was only fifteen. And a two years later he was destroying her. For a year it was perfect. They loved each other. Really loved each other. Then she made the mistake she would regret forever. She wished she could have him back. Have him the way he was before. But this killer was all she would ever have. The demon inside him would make damn sure of that.

Dawn opened her eyes, forcing the lids apart. The numbness arose inside. She saw him sitting in a chair. Looking out the window. He wasn't waking her. Wasn't moving. A vision of perfect beautiful stone. No matter how perfect, he was pure evil. Knew how to destroy her. And he could destroy her better than anyone else could. Because he knew her. Better then anyone else did. The time they spent together before he had changed, was what made this so hard. So impossible. Because they had spent every second before together. They were so inseparable like they had become one person. Every second together. Couldn't be apart. But that was over. And she had already said goodbye to yesterday. Nothing left there. Only disappointment. This was a painful place she had found herself in. And there was no escaping. This was her twisted, sick reality. Because she would never escape wanting him. And he would never cease to take advantage. Because he was no hero. Just a demon.

Dawn sat up in her bed. It hurt to move. To breathe. She looked so broken. Through and through. Because his attempt at taming her was beginning to work. She had no one else here. And he was breaking her down. His little pet. Tamed. She shivered. Her insides felt like they were flopping around in her body. The world around her remained the same, as she began to die. To fall apart.

Spike looked over at his little creature. He was breaking her. Slowly. He loved the torture. Hated the way he still could feel the love that was there before. There were things he loved, her lips. Her skin. Everything that belonged to him. But his lust far outweighed any real feelings. Forgetting the reality that was there. That they were once in love. Really in love.

Dawn moves to the edge of her bed slowly. Every movement became slow lately. She couldn't handle anything anymore. She put her face inside her hands. Covering herself from him. Hiding from the world. They didn't want to see her shameful face anyway. No one ever did. Only him. Dawn rose from her bed and walked towards the bathroom. Away. As free as she would get for a long time. No more alone time. She was stuck, from hotel room to hotel room. She knew he wouldn't trust her anymore. Why he did before she never knew. Maybe he realized that she was so tamed. So broken.

Dawn looked into the mirror. The face she saw looked alien to her. Where am I? She looked so dead. Like a ghost. Pale, cold. Still beautiful. Broken. Shattered. Her eyes flickered, as she tried not to let the tears fall. She undressed and jumped into the shower. Always felt dirty lately. It made sense. The hot water felt the same as cold. She couldn't decide which one was flowing across her pale white skin. When she was finished she wrapped a towel around her body and sat on the edge of the shower.

Couldn't go out there. With him. Couldn't see his face. Couldn't face what awaited her next. What torture he would have planned. Because he loved to watch her squirm. Loved watching her reactions to the pain. To everything he threw on her. Including himself.

She finally made the decision to face what awaited. Because it didn't matter anymore. She was breaking. And there was no fixing her. At some point none of the pain would matter at all. For now, it hurt. But she was beginning to feel the numbness. Feel the edge of numb. Laced with pain. When she walked into the hotel room he was gone. No surprise. That he would do something that would hurt. Knowing that he left her there. For now. For some reason it hurt her. The fact that he had always been there was one thing she had. He never left her alone unless it was her choice. Now he had left.

Dawn leaned against the wall and slid to the floor slowly. Couldn't handle this anymore. The way it felt. The way her whole body felt so wrong. The pain was unbelievable. It was like the love of her life was dead. But she had this demon to torment and remind her. He looked, walked and talked like her lover, he even felt like him. The imitation made her life hell. She was done pretending. Done living each second waiting for the next day, because maybe it was a good day. She was done. She sat on the floor of the hotel room, her insides crumbling, and there was no use trying. Hoping for things to get better. When they could only get worse. This demon had her lovers face. Didn't deserve it. No one did.

Suddenly the door slammed and Dawn looked at the intruder. Spike. Standing in front of her now with a bagel and coffee. For her? Why? Did he always have to try. Or make it look like he tried. Dawn didn't move. Wouldn't. Even if she could, she didn't know her moves anymore. Didn't know the right steps.

"Here." Spike tossed the bag into her lap and held the coffee out for her to take it. "Dawn?" The blonde asked frustrated. "What the bloody hell? Just take it." There he was. Rude. Abrasive. And he didn't frighten her.

Dawn grabbed the coffee from his hands then set it beside her. She tried to move slowly. Didn't like moving. It hurt. She sat there for a few minutes waiting. Almost to wake up. Spike was waiting for some reaction. Hated this. Hated himself at times. Most of the time. But he couldn't control it, couldn't stop it. It didn't make any sense. The creature he was, had taken control, and he couldn't fight the power it had.

"Aren't you going to eat?" Spike asked frustrated. This girl always frustrated him. None of the others really knew how. Only her. That's why he kept her. He convinced himself that, that was why. But he still felt the love. And he the demon wanted her to pay for the strength she almost gave him. The weakness.

"Why?" Dawn looked at him. "Your not my father Spike. You don't have to take care of me." The brunette set her jaw. She closed her eyes for a few seconds. Breathing. Feeling the searing pain that inched through her body. Why did emotional pain have to manifest physically? Wasn't it bad enough. She wanted to tear her soul out. She could feel it inside of her. Wriggling around in agony. Her soul must have hated her.

"Well pet," Spike paused, what would hurt? "It's not like your real father gives a shit about you does he?" The blonde tilted his head to one side. "So I suppose I am the only one who can take care of you. Now that Angel is dead." Spike reminded her. But this time. It didn't hurt. Not too much.

"No, Giles was there for me. He was more of a father, than my father ever was." She remembered. Dawn closed her eyes again and thought of him. The way he would tell her bed time stories. And promise her that her sister cared, that she was busy. And that someday, she would see her mother again. That he was sure of. Maybe he didn't expect it would be as soon as Dawn was sure it was going to be. Almost wished it would be.

"Well, I'm all that wants you pet." Spike sat on the couch. "And your gonna have to come to grips with that." He teased.

"You don't take care of me Spike." Dawn opened her eyes and looked at the vampire. "All you are is flesh, and lips." Her words were meant to sting. "You will never be anything else, nothing more. You can't take care of me, you can't take care of anyone. Your just a monster." Dawn looked at the food in her lap. She realized she was hungry. But it was just another pain inside her. Accept this one almost distracted from the emotions she hated to much.

She would regret that. Tonight. And for the rest of her life. He would make sure of that. He would show her the monster. Dawn would regret the day she taunted him. Because she could only make things worse. Had to remain tame. That was his plan. When she refused, he vowed to crush her more.

One week later and it was Dawn's seventeenth birthday. Damn he stole her too young. He thought about it. But didn't care. The evil inside him loved the wrong he had done. Loved the innocence he destroyed. Tainted her. Marked her. His. Because he loved to posses things. For once he really could, all the other women in his life were possessed by other men. Or made him far more enthralled by them then they were with him.

He always gave Dawn a gift on her birthday. Not always something she wanted. Not always something an ordinary girl would get for a present. She dreaded her birthdays. Days when she never knew what the surprise would be. Never knew. Was afraid to open her eyes when the night came. Because it was always the night. Always. His Rules. She was forgetting her steps. And for that she would pay. For deviating. Because she was losing herself.

"Rise and shine kitten." Not a good sign. Kitten. Was the worst of all the nicknames. She waited for the sound of his voice when she awoke. Waited for the nickname. Pet. Was not dependable. Never knew what rose with that one. Could be bad, could be alright. Love, was usually good. But she hadn't heard that in forever. Dawn, was usually never good. It meant he was serious. No time for play, or love. He was either angry, or on a mission. Kitten, petrified her. Time for his kind of play. His fun.

Dawn rolled out of bed and opened her eyes, rubbing the sleep from her lids. She looked up at the blonde who had a disturbing smile on his face. Didn't want it to be her birthday. It was never a good surprise. Not anymore.

"Here." Spike handed her a jewelry box. She hesitated. "Open it." He smirked. Glinting with evil.

Dawn opened the blood colored box. Inside were two items. A heart shaped ruby necklace, it was stunning. Spike quickly jumped to her side and clasped the necklace onto her neck. Dawn couldn't be happy. It was beautiful. But there was also a key. She knew this was no euphemism for how he was giving her the key to his heart. No this was her real gift. She held the key between her fingers.

"The closet." Spike smiled. "There's a surprise in there for you." His eyes showed that it was not something she wanted to see. Not a surprise like the necklace.

"Spike?" Her eyes attempted to plead with him.

"Don't worry." He promised. "Open the closet."

She had never looked inside the closet before. He kept it locked. Kept his items in there. She never knew what he really had in there. But this was something he had added. Something for her. Dawn stood up and walked over to the closet. She placed the key inside the door and unlocked it. She pulled the doors open closing her eyes shut tightly as she did it. She finally opened her eyes and jumped back quickly. Why? This was too much. Giles. Tied up. Mouth duck taped. Bloodied. Cold. Dead.

"Giles!" She screamed. "Why!?!" Her eyes filled with tears. Just when she thought she couldn't hurt anymore. He made her hurt. Because he knew how.

"Pet, you saw him as a father figure." Spike said. "And I just can't have that." He admitted honesty in his eyes.

This was her fault. She knew that. And it always was. Everything could be blamed on her. Nothing left of her now. There was no escaping this. And she was going to get even. She vowed that as the salty tears ran down her cheeks. He would pay.

Dawn sat in the hotel room alone. She was making sure she did what she had promised. This time she would get even. She had set it all up. And it was too late now. No turning back. Not like she wanted to now. Had made contact with her sister after two years. That was no simple conversation. Filled with tears that Buffy could not contain. Her sister was alive. And she couldn't believe it. But the plan. Couldn't take place by Buffy rushing to her side to fight Spike and claim her sister. No he wouldn't let that happen. The plan, the one Dawn had put together. Would work. For sure. Because she knew what to do this time.

She had the spell laid out in front of her. She had the candles. The bones. And the orb of Thesulah. She knew the words. She had the power. She could do this. Knew how to do this. The spell of restoration. His soul. Dawn closed her eyes. She took a deep breath. This was something she should have done long ago. But she was hoping. Hoping for him to return on his own. Spike was good without a soul. At one point. He stopped being evil. Or at least he tried. But it was too late to get that back now. He was gone. William the bloody, the demon was all that remained. So she had no choice now. Had to make the change. She had to restore his soul. Spike walked into the hotel room. Eyes wide. He observed the surroundings. Confusion written all around his face. Then he spotted it. The orb.

"What the bloody hell is going on?" He hollered angry, and frightened. Dawn breathed in deep and began reciting the words. She knew the words.

"What is lost, return,Not dead, nor not of the living,Spirits of the interregnum, I call,God, bind him, cast his heart from the evil realm,I call on you, Lord; do not ignore this request,Let this orb be the vessel that will carry his soul to him,It is written, this power is my people's right to wield,Return to the body what separates man from shall it be, with the help of this magic crystal it shall be! So it shall be!Now! Now!"

"Dawn!" Spike hollered and fell to his knees. Suddenly Buffy rushed into the room with the entire scooby gang. Buffy grabbing a hold of Dawns arm as she fell to the ground in front of Spike. She was weak. "Dawnie?" He looked so week. "I'm so sorry." Tears streamed down his face. The pain had hit him now. He felt what he had done. How he had hurt her. And he loved her. The only person he regretted hurting, the only pain he could not deal with. Was hers.

"Me too Spike." Dawn admitted, as she looked into her lovers eyes. "Me too."