A/N-- Hey, look who's back in business! //waves// //mob holding torches and pitchforks sighs and retreats//
Much thanks to Fishey_Me for title suggestions, even though I ended up using a lame one of my own ^_^ (wait till you see who makes a surprise appearance!)
Disclaimer-- I do not own Star Trek or any of the characters, nor do/will I make any money from writing my cheesey fanfiction. I also don't own the various and sundry movies etc. that I reference here. much love.
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Chapter One
Our view opens out onto the bridge, where a pretty blonde Yeoman (who is not Janice Rand, interestingly enough) is serving drinks to the bridge crew, and to Dr. McCoy, because he's always hanging around with nothing better to do. From how happy the crew looks, we can assume that to the Star Fleet this is 'coffee', but to the crew it is something else entirely. The only ones who are not drinking, in fact, are Spock and Uhura.
Doctor McCoy is lounging beside Kirk, one arm on the Big Chair nonchalantly as Spock reads out "Zero space density, Captain."
"Very good, Mr. Spock. We'll just cross this void in space and deliver the supplies to Beta VI."
The gods of grammar, hearing this line, wince and shake their heads. Space, as it is generally defined, is basically 'lack of objects' or 'empty'. Now a void means just about the same, but when you have a void in space, one can only assume that there must be something there, double negative makes a positive and all that.
Therefore: Kirk is asking for it.
The Navigator, DeSalle, snickers and leans over to Sulu. "'Void in space'," he mutters to the Helmsman. "Sounds dirty."
Sulu grins appreciatively and takes a sip of his...saki?
"A star desert," McCoy says wistfully.
Kirk smiles over at him. "Sand dunes...warm sun, oases...that time in the desert, just you and me and the palm trees, Bones." He winks at the CMO.
Fishey_Me: NOOOO!! *covers ears* Lalalala! I can't HEAR you!!
McCoy leans over and murmurs something that sounds like 'coconut massage oil' into the Captain's ear.
"Ahh," Kirk says, leaning back. "That's 900 light-years away now, Bones."
Spock raises an eyebrow and comes over to join them. "The precise meaning of desert is 'a waterless, barren wasteland'. I fail to understand your romantic nostalgia for such a place."
Sulu leans over to DeSalle and whispers "Didn't Mr. Spock come from a desert planet?"
DeSalle shrugs. "No accounting for taste." He takes a glug of his...apple-tini?
Bones and Kirk exchange smirks and Kirk takes a sip of his...coffee? Spiked with a liquid version of the little blue pill, perhaps?
McCoy leans forward "That doesn't surprise me, Mr. Spock, you've never been to shore leave on Argus VII."
Kirk coughs quickly and not-so-subtly motions Bones to silence. The Doctor abruptly switches tracks. "Er--besides, Mr. Spock, I can't see any amount of coconut massage oil disrupting those mathematically perfect brain waves of yours." He winks over Kirk's head.
Spock raises an eyebrow once more and thinks that perhaps he's missed an opportunity in the CMO. "Thank you, Doctor. Flattery will get you everywhere."
In the background, Uhura rolls her eyes.
Spock moves forward to the Nav. consol while the blonde Yeoman hands the Captain his box of fresh condoms.
Kirk checks through the flavors to be sure he has them all--last time they skimped on the 'banana' in XL...
The Yeoman smiles and hands him an extra pack of banana. When Kirk simply takes it and goes back to searching, she pouts and moves away. Maybe the guy over at Engineering will comfort her in her loneliness.
Kirk goes through the box, flipping aside the colored packs. "'Strawberry', two 'Banana's, oh, 'Blueberry' is new!" He takes the pack out to examine it.
"'Blue-raspberry', Jim," McCoy corrects out of the corner of his mouth.
"Ahh," Kirk says, raising his eyebrows and nodding. "Very nice...wait, where's the 'Watermelon'?" Just as he's about to call the Yeoman back, Spock speaks up from where he is peering over the Nav's shoulder.
"Captain--I am getting a sizable space-displacement reading!"
McCoy chokes on his coffee, wondering if that sounded as much like a come-on to the rest of the bridge as it did to him.
Kirk raises an eyebrow and leans over. "Bones, already?" When he gets no response from the Doctor, he leans forward. "Can you verify that, Navigator?"
DeSalle quickly brings up his MapQuest page. "No, Sir, I--" he stops, suddenly feeling someone's hand on his ass. "Er--yes, verified, Sir."
Sulu looks over, still sipping his saki, and frowns when he see's the Navigator's coffee cup. It is perched almost vertically on the slanted navigational console, and doesn't slip! "How does he do that?" he muses. "Did he get some gum, somehow?"
"It must have been in, er, some light warp, Sir," DeSalle continues, rather distractedly. Spock leans farther over him. "That's, uh, why we didn't pick it up before."
Kirk frowns. "What the hell is a light-warp, Mr. DeSalle? This is no time for such ludicrous nonsense! Put it on visual."
DeSalle clicks a button and suddenly there is a planetoid on screen--small, and of a dirty grey-purple color reminiscent of an old gumball.
"Dammit!" Kirk smacks the arm of his chair. "This was supposed to be a void in space! Now we'll have to go investigate and I'll need to delay my...meeting."
Sulu looks around surreptitiously, then reaches under the consol and finds his own wad of gum. He sticks in to the bottom of his cup. Finally, he can put it down! Curse these ship's designers and their lack of cup holders!
"Iron-silica body, planet-sized magnitude One-E!" DeSalle says, examining his displays.
Kirk and Spock, both thinking this is directed at them, smirk.
"Inconceivable that this has gone unnoticed on all our records," Spock says, pleased.
"Yes, they always leave out the best facts," Kirk agrees.
Uhura rolls her eyes and takes a sip of the coffee that has suddenly appeared at her workstation. "The planetoid, Sir?"
"Ah, yes!" Kirk says, startled out of his daydream involving the reformation of Star Fleet with rank based on personal...assets. "Well, er, no time to investigate it now." He walks around in front of the Navigation consol and Sulu quickly picks up his cup to look like he's doing something. Spock hastily retreats to the Science Station.
"Science stations--gather data for our sper--er, computerbanks. Uhura, notify whoever the hell we're supposed to be notifying when we spot this kind of thing."
"There's strong interference on subspace radio, Captain," Uhura cuts in, one hand to her earbud.
Kirk rolls his eyes and comes back to stand at the Big Chair. "We're not in subspace, Lieutenant, we're in outer space, use that radio."
"Sir, the planetoid must be a natural radio source..." she tunes it in, and we hear a dj saying "And that was our wonderful harpsichord performance from the live broadcast of--"
Kirk looks startled. "Er--veer...40 degrees to Starboard, Mr. Sulu. Let's see if we can't pick up some Barry White."
Sulu sighs, realizing that he'll have to do something after all today. He reaches for a button, then his brow furrows, as though he is suddenly constipated. He stands unsteadily--and vanishes!
Kirk jumps. "Sulu!" He runs over to the chair, does a double-take at the gravity-defying coffee cup, and vanishes too!
Uhura jumps up, furious. "Dammit, who's at my Tantalus device?" she growls to herself.
"Mr. Spock, they're gone!" DeSalle shouts. (so much for that superior Vulcan hearing!)
Spock leaps up from the Science station, where he was busy being sucked into his game of Vuldoku (much like the human game 'sudoku', only infinitely more logical, as this game uses mathematical equations instead of mere single digits.) "Emergency, full reverse power!"
DeSalle looks over at him. "Uh, Sir? Sulu was the Helmsman, I don't know how to steer this thing!"
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