A/N: i know i still have my other stories to finish but if you check my profile page you will see there's some unexpected complications (not having inspiration for stuff you've already written and need to finish really sucks) but when i heard this song i got inspired to write this, so here's a little something to keep you going until i get my butt in gear on the real stories. The lyrics are in italics and no they aren't exact or in order but they are all posted at the bottom for you. Please R+R so i know how i did, thanks much!
Disclaimer:I do not own any of the Inuyasha characters nor do I own the song Russian Roulette by Rihanna, the only thing i own is one screwed up muse and the plot line.
Love is Like Russian Roulette
Take a breath…
She closed her eyes as she took a breath.
Take it deep…
She let it out and took another, deeper one as she rested her hands against the window sill that she was kneeling in front of.
Calm yourself…
She struggled to maintain the calm that she was on the verge of losing; it didn't have to be this way but then again…
If you play, you play for keeps…
She never even realized she'd been a part of the game to begin with; things had always seemed so simple. She loved him, she was there for him, and she'd thought he'd loved her and been there for her to. Oh how wrong she'd been and the proof of that was right in front of her.
I'm sweating it out, moving slow…
Just when had time slowed to a crawl for her as another drop of sweat trailed down the side of her face; it was odd really because she was so cold at that moment. And as she continued to watch she realized there was…
No time to think…
There were two bodies on the bed in the room, the room visible from her vantage point since she was kneeling right outside of it. If not for the fact the two were rolling around and doing god knows what instead of sleeping, she probably would have never known.
And you can see my heart beating; you can see it through my chest…
She rested a hand over her heart to find it was beating so wildly, almost as if she were the one with him instead of that other girl. After a moment she removed her hand and looked down to find that she could indeed see it beating through her chest.
Said I'm terrified; but I'm not leaving…
She was so terrified, because she had no idea what this meant for her. But at the same time she couldn't go, to go meant she was willing to turn her back on the truth so that she might continue living a lie. And living a lie was something she couldn't do… no matter how much she loved him.
It was so funny in that she'd always considered love to be like a game of Russian roulette in that it was all about chance. In the game there was a 1 in 6 chance that you would die, and those chances weren't good no matter how you looked at them.
I know that I must pass this test…
But how could she ever pass it when it already felt like she'd lost? After all if she'd won it would be her in his arms instead of another; that was how it was supposed to be…
Say a prayer to yourself…
And she did, she prayed that this really wasn't happening; but prayers now days were seldom answered.
Close your eyes, sometimes it helps…
She tried that to as she prayed with all her might; and when she opened her eyes she discovered that nothing had changed; it didn't surprise her really, after all that only worked in stories.
And then I get a scary thought…
Her breath hitched in her lungs as she thought it over, yes indeed love was so much more like that deadly game than she previously thought. She realized that they'd been playing it for several months now and with seeing…
That he's here; means he's never lost…
And that was such a kick in the gut to her; he was always so cool, sure of himself, and composed while she was quiet, often nervous, and complacent. She hadn't always been that way, but having your heart stepped on so many times would do that to you. After her last one she'd sworn to herself she wouldn't get involved with anyone again, but then he came along and he'd cracked her resolve.
You can see my heart beating; you can see it through my chest…
Why was her heart still pounding so wildly when it felt as though it should be dead?
Said I'm terrified but I'm not leaving…
Would she always feel this way? Too afraid to run yet to afraid to confront him… a never ending vicious cycle that she was doomed to be caught up in if something didn't happen.
I know that I must pass this test…
How? How could she pass such a test? Seriously hadn't she already lost?
As my life flashes before my eyes…
So many memories came boiling to the surface; memories filled with love and happiness, memories that they had made together.
I'm wondering will I ever see another sunrise…
Sure she'd see another sunrise… but when she did would she feel anything at all when she did? Would she be able to find beauty in it when all she saw now was a world filled with pain and sadness?
So many won't get the chance to say goodbye…
How could they ever when they've been betrayed by those they thought loved them? What's the point on saying goodbye when you snuck up to your boyfriends window in hopes of surprising him for his birthday only to find he's already moved on and left you in the dust?
But it's too late to think of the value of my life…
What was the point when her life obviously held no value in his eyes? She was just another diversion for him, and there were plenty of fish in the sea so why bother at all?
You can see my heart beating; you can see it through my chest…
Her heart was still pounding wildly, but in the last few moments the pain had shifted to that of anger.
I know that I must pass this test…
Life was full of tests and only you could decide just how you would get through them.
Said I'm terrified but I'm not leaving…
Life was scary, plain and simple. She realized then that it was her choice on whether she would go through it afraid or grab it by the horns and face it with every ounce of courage she could muster.
Thunder crackled in the distance as lightning flashed and for a moment her brilliant blue eyes almost seemed to be glowing with the resolve that was settling within them. She watched the scene a moment more then nodded once and slowly crept away from the window, along the roof and down the drain pipe.
The moment she was on solid ground she stepped around the house and marched right up to the front door, sure she'd had every intention of surprising him. But the surprise she'd been intending to give him was one that his parents couldn't be privy to; that moment was long gone however, and she actually felt relief at having found out the truth before she gave herself to him.
And you can see my heart beating; you can see it through my chest…
Her heart seemed to pound in time with her knuckles as they wrapped softly against the door and just as she pulled her hand away his brother answered the door. This was it, it was time to face the music and there was no turning back now.
"Kagome? What brings you here?" He asked curiously as his gaze shifted to the interior of the house and back again.
"I came to surprise Inuyasha, would you please let me in and not tell him I'm here?" She asked as she clenched her fists at her sides while attempting to remain calm. She didn't doubt she still had unshed tears in her eyes, but this was not the time or place to let them out. Now was the time to be strong.
The elder brother studied her a moment before nodding as he stepped back to admit her. "Alright."
"Thanks Sesshomaru, I owe you one." She said as she stepped past him and without stopping, headed for the stairs to get to her 'boyfriends' room.
Sesshomaru closed the door then slowly started climbing the stairs to find her kneeling before Inuyasha's door as she pulled a bobby pin from her hair and carefully inserted it into the lock. He knew very well what his brother was doing, after all he'd found it out a long time ago.
But his brother had begged him not to tell Kagome, and against his better judgment he'd kept his mouth shut. None of that seemed to matter anymore since it was quite obvious she knew.
As carefully as she could, she turned the lock to the open position before pulling the bobby pin out and climbing to her feet. Once upright she took a deep breath as she rested her hand on the doorknob and as soon as she felt ready, her grip tightened and she carefully turned it.
The door opened silently, and once it was open a crack she slipped her hand through it to find the light switch.
Said I'm terrified, but I'm not leaving…
I know that I must pass this test…
In one swift movement she flipped the light on and stepped into the room.
"What the fuck!" Inuyasha exclaimed as the girl shrieked while they both scrambled to cover up.
"Those are the words I should be saying right now Inuyasha." She said calmly as her heart continued to pound in her chest.
She watched as the boy froze as his gaze whipped up to her. "K-Kagome?" He stuttered out.
"Oh so your brain does work hm? To bad it only works at certain times." She scoffed as she clenched her fists at her side, telling herself she wouldn't hit him.
His mouth worked for several moments as the girl at his side shifted to peer at the girl from behind him.
"And Kikyou; what a non-surprise this is," She muttered then sighed. "I suppose I should have seen this coming a long time ago. But when your boyfriend tells you he loves you and he'd never do anything to hurt you… well that makes it kind of hard to think he'd ever be capable of such a thing."
"Kagome-"
"Shut up." She said as she closed her eyes. "Your time to talk is over now, the blindfold is gone. I see you for what you really are now Inuyasha."
I know that I must pass this test…
He slouched down in guilt as her eyes snapped open to gaze accusingly at him once more. "I'm sorry Kagome." He said softly.
In Russian roulette there's a 1 in 6 chance that you will die; in a relationship there's a 1 in 2 chance you won't get burned. At first she'd thought since he was the cheater it meant he'd never lost; but now she knew better, once a cheater always a cheater. It meant he'd never be happy with just one woman and in the end he would be alone.
It meant that chance was on her side and the odds were in her favor. It was time to take her life into her own hands, to hold its value above his. After all, there were plenty of other fish in the sea, and she would live to see another sunrise.
So just pull the trigger…
"It's over Inuyasha." She said, and with that she spun on her heel and stepped out of the room, yanking the door closed as she did so.
The sound of it slamming against the doorframe almost sounded like a gun being fired and as her heart beat in her chest she knew for sure that she had won. Taking comfort in that she took another breath as she glanced over to find Sesshomaru leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest.
"See you around Sesshomaru." She said with a wave as she stepped away from the door and headed down the stairs; unaware that the elder brother's eyes followed her every move.
When she got to the front door she opened it to find the storm had moved in and it had started raining while the thunder and lightning continued to boom and flash in the sky.
It was wild and beautiful and she nearly broke down then; but it wouldn't have been in pain, instead it would have been in thanks since she was still able to find the beauty in it. Sure it wasn't a sunrise, but hell that was only a few hours away and what was one night of sleeplessness?
Bearing that in mind she stepped out and pulled the door closed before stepping into the storms embrace as she began the trek to her own home.
She had passed the test and her heart was still beating in her chest; sure the pain of Inuyasha's actions wasn't going to go away just like that. But she was in control of her own life now and sure she was terrified, but facing him down and saying goodbye proved that she had the courage to face whatever came her way.
And come sunrise it would be a whole new day; she smiled faintly at that as she continued down the road and towards her future.
~*~
TAKE A BREATH
TAKE IT DEEP
CALM YOURSELF
HE SAYS TO ME
IF YOU PLAY
YOU PLAY FOR KEEPS
TAKE A GUN
AND COUNT TO 3
I'M SWEATING IT OUT
MOVING SLOW
NO TIME TO THINK
MY TURN TO GO
AND YOU CAN SEE MY HEART BEATING
YOU CAN SEE IT THROUGH MY CHEST
SAID I'M TERRIFIED, BUT I'M NOT LEAVING
I KNOW THAT I MUST PASS THIS TEST
SO JUST PULL THE TRIGGER
SAY A PRAYER
TO YOURSELF
HE SAYS CLOSE YOUR EYES
SOMETIMES IT HELPS
AND THEN I GET
A SCARY THOUGHT
THAT HE'S HERE
MEANS HE'S NEVER LOST
AND YOU CAN SEE MY HEART BEATING
YOU CAN SEE IT THROUGH MY CHEST
SAID I'M TERRIFIED, BUT I'M NOT LEAVING
I KNOW THAT I MUST PASS THIS TEST
SO JUST PULL THE TRIGGER
AS MY LIFE FLASHES BEFORE MY EYES
I'M WONDERING WILL I
EVER SEE ANOTHER SUN RISE
SO MANY WON'T GET THE CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE
BUT IT'S TOO LATE TO THINK OF THE VALUE OF MY LIFE
AND YOU CAN SEE MY HEART BEATING
YOU CAN SEE IT THROUGH MY CHEST
SAID I'M TERRIFIED, BUT I'M NOT LEAVING
I KNOW THAT I MUST PASS THIS TEST
AND YOU CAN SEE MY HEART BEATING
YOU CAN SEE IT THROUGH MY CHEST
SAID I'M TERRIFIED, BUT I'M NOT LEAVING
I KNOW THAT I MUST PASS THIS TEST
SO JUST PULL THE TRIGGER