Note: I don't know French; I looked up how to say certain words, though I may have used them incorrectly. Forgive me if I did so.
The lights had turned on, basking the stage in a vibrantly orange glow, as the audience applauded, their excitement uncontainable. Fiore's newest talk show, hosted by one of the ex-members of Phantom Lord, had risen quickly in popularity.
Sol, or Monsieur Sol, as he insisted, came sliding down along the railing of the spiral staircase in the center of the stage, his noodle-like body as thin as a pencil, and landed on a swivel chair. He spun various times, his brown suit camouflaged perfectly with the chair's cushioning. After seven revolutions, he stopped to greet the audience.
"Bonsoir!" Sol waved his arms in the air like one of those tube-like men inflatable men (known as airdancers) that are found alongside cars at the car dealerships. He readjusted his monocle and took out an orange envelope from his sleeves. The audience applauded as he slipped his paper-thin hand into the envelope and took out a sheet of paper, ready to announce the topic for today's show.
"Today," Sol said as he skimmed through the sheet, "there might be a test of paternité! Now to introduce tonight's invités!"
With an "okay sign", Sol cued the red, velvet curtains behind the stage to rise, revealing a couple familiar to almost everyone—Jellal and Erza. The red-headed Erza, wearing her signature Heart-Kreuz armor, held a male infant in her hands. The infant, which Jellal claimed wasn't his, had a big, rectangular-shaped face with a large flat nose and wavy orange hair. Jellal, whose face was as red as his wife's hair, walked shamefully toward a pair of brown armchairs that stood next to Sol.
Sol introduced the couple respectively. "Everyone, Monsieur and Mademoiselle Fernandes!"
Erza and Jellal sat in the armchairs, Erza gripping Jellal's tightly with her free hand as she wiped the droplets that caused his face to glimmer. The baby stretched, yawning and scratching the stubble above its prominent chin.
"Jellal-sama, would you like to tell us about the problème?" Sol asked as he stroked his tiny green mustache.
"Yes, Sol. Thank you," Jellal replied as he crossed his arms and began to tell his story. "Erza and I were happily married for three years. It was such a great time, wasn't it honey?"
"Yes, it was." Erza smiled faintly.
"But then," Jellal continued, giving a disgusting look at the grotesque child Erza held, "Erza got pregnant and gave birth to this thing!"
Erza covered the child's ears. "Jellal, don't say that! This is our child!"
Jellal stood up angrily. "No it isn't! Tell me, whose is it?! Whose perfume did I find on the bed?!"
Sol elongated his arms and gently gestured Jellal to sit down. "Asseyez-vous, s'il vous plaît! We will find out who is the père after a DNA test!"
Jellal stared blankly at Sol. "...I have no idea what you just said there, but okay."
Erza whispered into Jellal's ear, "I think he means he is going to find out who the father is with a DNA test."
"Oh…" Jellal scratched his head. "Sol, can you also do a lie detector test?"
Sol smiled, his mouth curved to look like the letter w. "C'est bien! And call me Monsieur Sol! We will do whatever you need to know about your épouse, if it is okay with her."
Jellal stared at Erza; Erza gave Jellal a reassuring look. "It's fine. I'll prove to you that you're the father. And then we'll buy some cake."
"Magnifique!" Sol jumped from his chair and held his finger high in the air.
First, Jellal and the baby were taken for DNA testing, the results of which would be known after the lie detector results.
Sol, reading from a sheet of magic lie-detecting paper given to him by one of the directors, pen firmly grasped in his hand, began to ask Erza a few questions. "Erza-sama, have you been seeing any paramours behind the back of your épouse in the last three years?"
"No! Of course not!" Erza replied, Jellal inspecting the drops of sweat that accumulated on her body. However, her sweat was just from the heat of the lights and the lack of air conditioning.
Sol wrote down her reply quickly, following with another. "Have you been having any rapports sexuels with any other personne besides Jellal-sama?"
Erza gripped Jellal's hand tighter and tighter. "I love Jellal too much to do anything like that to him."
"Do you, Erza?!" Jellal pointed at the child, who was lulled to sleepy by the Erza's rocking arms.
"I do love you, dammit. Stop being a pussy." Erza gave Jellal a quick kiss; Jellal was not convinced.
Sol interrupted them. "Last question! Have you ever told Jellal-sama a mensonge?"
Erza gazed into Jellal's brown eyes, wondering if he knew what Sol meant by a massage. She faintly asked, "What?"
"A lie," Sol responded simply.
"Oh! No."
Sol finished writing in her answer and tossed his pen to the side. "The papier will now determine if Erza is telling the vérité!"
As the show went to commercial break, Jellal whispered to Erza, despite his worries, "I've never been this confused before."
The paper glowed, revealing the lie detector results only to Sol's eyes. He squinted at the results and then tapped his green hair, making sure it was neatly upward; a short man with an ovular-shaped face and two purple pony tails came and gave Sol the results of the DNA test.
"Thank you very much!" The man bowed as he shyly exited the stage.
"Well?" Jellal spoke feebly, "First tell me… am I the father?"
"Non, non, non!" Sol shook his head three times. "The tristesse!"
"Oh no," Jellal said as he rushed out of the stage, his head hung in shame, "oh no, oh no, oh no!"
"Jellal, wait!" Erza ran after Jellal, her baby clutched against her cold armor.
Erza caught up to Jellal at the hallway, almost slipping on his tears, and grabbed his arm.
"Jellal! This is not right! You have to be the father!" Erza insisted.
"But I'm not! You lied to me!" Jellal cried, his arms weakly wrapped around Erza.
"Just go back to the stage! I don't know what's going on!" Erza blushed as she pushed Jellal slowly back onto the stage.
Back at the stage, Sol prepared his notecards and brushed his cape with a lint roller, waiting for Erza to return.
"My monocle tells me that it's time to reveal our other invité. It also whispers sweet words to me at night. But that's besides the point. Time to invite another guest! He says that he is the père!" Sol said as he cued the curtains once more. Light brown shoes were visible through the golden tassels of the curtains, revealing a short man whose face mirrored the face of Erza's child—Ichiya Vandalay Kotobuki.
Ichiya crossed his arms and greeted the audience, his eyes sparkling. "Men! My honey, how is our child?"
Jellal's jaw dropped; he didn't think that Erza would sleep with Ichiya, of all people. Wearing a white suit and a blue rose, Ichiya walked up to Erza and smelled her.
"My honey's parfum is always delectable!" Erza's smell appeared to be orgasmic to Ichiya. Erza punched Ichiya, who promptly yelled men during midflight.
"Did you sleep with him?!" Jellal yelled, his heart broken.
"Well, I did… Once… But that's not important! It was a long time ago, before we were together!" Erza looked over at the bloody-nosed…thing, muttering 'men'. Erza sighed, about to confess the truth. "I don't know why I did it. He was just so pathetic… For one moment, I felt bad for him!"
"One moment is all it takes, men!" Ichiya smiled, his face wedged halfway between the shattered wooden floor of the stage and the hollowness underneath it.
"Have you slept with anyone else?" Jellal asked, his hawk-like gaze fixed on Erza.
"Non, non, non!" Sol replied. "The papier says that Erza-sama only had one paramour, but this was before Erza-sama's wedding! Erza-sama passed her test."
"B-but this baby isn't mine!" Jellal stated once more, confused as a duck.
An audience member slipped out of her seat—a doll-like woman whose implants were far beyond the normal size of a normal human female—and tried to sneak out of the set through the back door. The security guard subdued her before she could leave. In her arms, she held a purple-haired baby girl.
"Use the correct door, Mademoiselle. Why are you trying to sneak out of the stade?" Sol stared at the woman, the eye covered by his monocle twice as big as usual.
The woman turned around, revealing the face of her baby; it looked exactly like Erza. "Erza! That baby looks like you!" Jellal gasped, his finger pointing at the child.
"That's awesome! But this is my baby…" Erza shamefully held her Ichiya-baby.
"Actually," the woman spoke, "the child is mine! I had pity sex with Ichiya!"
She continued explaining, "I was giving birth in one of the rooms on the same floor and I didn't want my ugly baby."
"But our baby is so beautiful, men!" Ichiya cried out as he flashed his "sexy" look.
"Shut up, you! You're the worst piece of poppa I've ever—"
Sol interceded before things got too messy; after all, this show had some sort of censorship. "The show must continue! Erza-sama, would you like to take a maternité test?"
Erza, her face marked with more confusion than Jellal, spoke. "Did he say maternity test?"
Jellal looked around. "I don't know. Just nod and say yes."
A maternity test went underway.
Sol announced the results. "The maternité test shows that the prostituée is the mère!"
The woman's face turned red. "You don't have to call me a prostitute just because I've slept with Ichiya! Also, my name is Courtney!"
Courtney turned around to face Erza. "I'm sorry. You see, I took your child because this one was so ugly! Your child's so beautiful that I wanted it!" Courtney reluctantly gave the child over; Erza took it by force.
Halfway throughout what she was saying however, Erza had already thrown the child on top of Ichiya.
"So much for this!" Erza sighed, relieved. "That baby was ugly."
Sol concluded the show a few seconds after Erza threw the Ichiya-baby. "And so, the show must end! Next week, we'll do some more maternité tests! To all, I say, bonne nuit!"
Jellal looked at Erza and insisted that they leave. "Let's never come here again!"