Chapter 1
Who lives in oppression under the sea? The residents of Bikini Bottom. To the distant observer, Bikini Bottom was a paradise. Whales lived alongside plankton in a placid harmony and the only hint of unrest came from a deeply socially rejected cashier, Squidward. But the waters had started to boil, as the culture of misogyny had silenced the women for too long. The time for change was looming.
Next door to Squidward lived an extraordinary young sponge. Spongebob Squarepants. Spongebob turned up to Bikini Bottom with absolutely nothing, finding an abandoned, rotting pineapple in which to squat. But it became a home and a sanctuary. A job became available at the local eatery, and although at first the residents took pity on the poor sponge, they ended up enjoying the patties and the company. But as Spongebob became integrated into the surrounding society, it was inevitable that the impressionable sponge would join in on the patriarchal regime:
"Females?" you could hear Spongebob mutter, under bated breath "we don't serve females here".
Spongebob's extraordinary story begins late one night in the late 19th century. Spongebob's driving teacher, Mrs. Puff, had experienced a panic attack episode during a drive, and Spongebob had taken her home to show her some pity.
"Thank you so much, Spongebob, for allowing me into your humble abode. I cannot but imagine the difficulties you must have faced in allowing yourself to show such pity on a meagre woman like myself". Mrs. Puff bowed her head in appreciation.
"Oh, but it is an absolute pleasure of mine to have such a beautiful woman step into my pineapple". Strangely, and probably because it was the 19th century, Spogebob spoke in a mild cockney accent.
"You know, my dear sponge, we are very similar. You are a lowly peasant trying to make a living, and I am a mere woman attempting to earn money. They may criticise me all they wish, but I know I am just a red hot MILF".
It was at that moment that both Spongebob and Mrs. Puff realised the extent of their sexual tension. Although not permitted by society, they began to undress each other. It had been years since either of them had experienced such contact—Mrs. Puff was a divorcee and Spongebob a pure virgin. Mrs. Puff slipped the belt away from Spongebob's hot body, and undid the zip. For a moment, Mrs. Puff went silent. And then she had a panic attack, puffing herself into a big puffy thing.
"Mrs. Puff! Oh why did you puff? Were you too nervous? Was I too forward?" Spongebob was as frightened as she.
"No. No. No. Spongebob! I don't understand what this is. You're a..."
"A sponge?"
"No! A... a woman!". For a moment, Spongebob was confused. But then she realised that perhaps she was as ambiguous about her gender than she was about her age.
"Oh! Mrs. Puff, I'm so sorry, I just assumed you were a lesbian like me. Did you not realise I was a woman?"
"No! Why did you not tell me?"
"But Mrs. Puff, I have so many holes!"
"Do you mean to tell me that you don't realise that everyone thinks you are a man?" Mrs. Puff was ever so confused.
"I just assumed that they did that because I'm clearly much better than any women!"
Mrs. Puff ran from the residence with the weight of knowledge on her shoulders. Would she ruin Spongebob's reputation or would she stay silent? At the time, there was no choice. Silence was the only method, as speaking up would reveal her desire for sex outside of marriage. You see, Spongebob had, many years ago, donned more masculine clothes. She thought ties were hipster, and she was slightly German, so the shorts were actually pretty stylish. It was not until that night with Mrs. Puff that she realised the truth about the patriarchy that was dominating Bikini Bottom.
After a long night of heavy thinking, no sleep, and failed calls to Mrs. Puff's house, a letter came through Spongebob's mailbox. It was an invitation to the upcoming election, addressed to Mr. Squarepants. Of course, women could not attend, but Patrick Star had wrongly registered Spongebob to vote. And Miss. Squarepants was ready to face the patriarchy of Bikini Bottom. She was going to cast her vote in the election, and nothing could stop her.