With a bitter laugh, Spencer noted the irony of the song playing from speakers throughout the room. At first he hadn't recognized it, hearing it as yet another upbeat pop song. Not traditional by any means. At least, not until he'd heard the words.
Last Christmas, he believed it was. Not the original by Wham, but a cover by a young female artist he couldn't identify. Typically preferring classical music, he wasn't very well familiarized with popular music of the time. However, he'd had a decent dose of holiday standards over the years, and this was one of them.
Taking a small sip of his coffee, he shook his head and looked around the room. It seemed all his colleagues were having an incredible time. And why shouldn't they? The festivities were quite nice, and it was certainly a nice interruption to all the work they'd been doing.
Hotch and Emily were standing in the far corner of the room, chatting amiably. Her smile was warm as she spoke to him, and he laughed. It must've been something humorous that she'd said. Spencer frowned. How was it that even Hotch was having a good time, when Reid couldn't even bring himself to smile?
He fidgeted in his seat, leaning his head on his hand and sighing. In all honesty, he hadn't even wanted to come to the party, or whatever it was. An office gathering? He wasn't sure. But he did not want to be there. The only reason he came was because JJ had told him it'd be a nice change of pace for him to get out.
But could it really even be considered out if he was back in the office? Again, he was left with uncertainty.
Upon thinking about her, Spencer glanced around the room for JJ's presence. He spotted her sitting on a desk near Rossi, where they shared drinks and amusement at her overly dramatic attempts at lip synching. Rossi pushed her playfully and she continued, this time actually singing along.
Had he not hurt as bad as he did, he might've smiled. Maybe even offered a laugh and a fact, like how the Puritans forbade the singing of Christmas Carols.
That's what he might've done last year.
But, with his bottom lip in between his teeth, Spencer fingered the rim of his paper cup. He tried not to focus on anything in particular, because anything he could pay attention to reminded him of things he wished not to remember.
It had almost seemed to him like the holidays were mocking him. Even moreso, that Derek Morgan was mocking him.
With hands tight against soft curves and blonde hair, Derek grinned as Penelope twirled in his arms. Her joy at the dance echoed in Spencer's ears with every giggle that escaped her ruby painted lips.
With a slow exhale, he reminisced of the times when it could've been him in those strong, dark arms, smiling and enjoying himself without any care in the world. But his turn was over, and as the two stopped under the mistletoe, he couldn't bring himself to look away.
He watched with a sort of melancholy disdain as Derek glanced up at the green leaves hanging from the ceiling, and then back at his colorful companion. With lips upturned slightly at the corners in a small smile, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Penelope's. She returned the traditional sentiment, standing on her toes and wrapping her arms around his neck lovingly.
A lump rose at his throat, and he choked to swallow it down. He knew he was being incredibly selfish, but he couldn't contain himself. Perhaps it might've made things easier if he'd known exactly what it was he'd done that drove Derek away. But it had only been a simple few words that ended it all.
'With it being the New Year, I think you and I should try different things.'
Spencer hadn't been certain at first what he meant by trying different things, as in maybe he was hinting toward a career change, or perhaps travelling to a new country. But alas, what he'd meant was something far worse.
They should try different people, not places or things.
And yet, surprisingly enough, after a year of loneliness and awkward silences, if Derek had taken him to the mistletoe this year and kissed him like he kissed Penelope, Spencer easily could've forgotten the past and started anew.
He grimaced inwardly at his desperation. Or if not desperation, then his willingness to forgive and forget so easily. Because he'd do anything to get those days where he actually felt worthwhile back.
Eyes burning with tears at the sudden rush of emotion, Spencer slammed down the empty cup in his hands and rushed out of the room and down the emergency staircase. His long fingers brushed along the cold railing as he descended the steps all the way to the bottom floor, where he found himself walking outside into the snow.
Without a jacket, uninviting gusts of icy wind pierced straight through his shirt and he shivered. The tears that began to trickle down his face left his cheeks freezing and small snowflakes settled in his brown hair. It didn't really matter much though.
Internally, he was already frozen. After kicking a bit of snow off the sidewalk beneath his feet, he sank to the ground, knees tucked closely to his chest. No matter how cold it was, he dreaded walking back up into the warmth of their office. Especially after an exit like that.
So he sat.
He wasn't sure if it had been fifteen minutes, or maybe half an hour when he heard the door open behind him. It could've been more, it could've been less. To be honest, Spencer wasn't keeping track of time. His mind was elsewhere.
He hadn't even noticed when someone took up residence on the sidewalk beside him. When he felt warmth envelop his shoulders, though, he looked up.
"You forgot your jacket. I was hoping I'd catch you before you left so I could bring it to you."
It was Derek.
Spencer managed a curt nod as thanks, but said nothing. He was grateful for the insulation, but not from the person who provided it. What did he care if Spencer was cold? Or if he'd forgotten something?
If he cared so much, he wouldn't have taken the one thing Reid was so hesitant to give and just thrown it away. His heart.
"What's wrong, man? You seem kinda down," Derek said, concern lacing his voice. Spencer remained silent. "C'mon, Reid. Don't do this." His eyes scanned the young doctor. Still shivering, but his eyes looked colder than his body.
"You're a profiler too," Spencer spat. "You tell me what's wrong." The initial sadness he felt was devolving into a kind of acidic anger at the whole situation. Derek paused, looking thoroughly taken aback.
"Reid, wait. Is this about what happened between me and Penelope upstairs? Because if it is-"
"Then what? If it is, I need to get over it, right? I need to stop living in the past?" He stifled a virulent chuckle. "You took everything I had when you left. You took my dignity. You took my self respect. You took my hope in chivalry. But worst of all, Morgan," he said, shaking his head. "Worst of all was when you took my heart so soon after I'd been willing to give it up to someone, and you threw it away like it didn't even matter."
Derek stood, brushing the snow off his pants. "You know I never meant to hurt you. Things just weren't working between us. And you know damn well that I never wanted any hostility between us. You were one of my best friends. I would never want to do that to a friendship like this.
"This war could've been over if you wanted, and things could've went back to how they used to be-"
"After the emotional trauma you put me through, you really want to try to delude yourself into thinking things could've been the way they used to be? Can you look me in the eyes and tell me you really believe that, Derek? I don't think you can."
"I think we could've tried, Spence! Who's to say we couldn't have remained friends after that?"
"You were the one to say that, Derek, when you stopped talking to me after you left me. You stopped saying hi to me in the morning. You stopped including me in after work beer runs with the guys. The only time you ever talked to me was when we were working a case, and damn if you wouldn't have even spoken then if Hotch didn't tell you that you had to!"
Derek opened his mouth to speak, but Spencer stopped him. "You should go. Penelope's waiting."
Shaking his head in defeat, he walked back into the building. He paused at the door though, turning to look back at the person he once considered his best friend. "JJ drove you here. How are you getting home?"
"I'll walk."
"You live twelve miles away!"
"I have a jacket. I'm an adult. I'll be just fine."
Spencer shook as fresh tears slipped from his eyes, but he kept his voice steady as so not to let Derek know he was crying. He wanted so badly to just hug the man, and take him back as a friend, even despite the emotional consequences. He could live with him just as a friend. Perhaps not as satisfactorily, but he would be happier than he was.
"So," Derek said quietly, "this is Christmas. I hope you have fun, Spence. I really do. Believe it or not, you're still like a brother to me."
That was all it took. In that moment, Spencer Reid found some sort of clarity and came to his senses. He realized the bitterness would get him nowhere, and only hurt him more. Without Derek, he was losing a friend who had before saved his life.
"Derek?" Spencer whispered, and he was barely heard over the rushing of the snow. "The war is over."