Rahne must have torn up another disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own X-Men or GI Joe characters. Just another insane fic from another insane author who is trying to keep herself occupied during another disappointing television season of nothing on but the same stupid shows. Note that this is not another angst fic. This is another insane fic that doesn't really have any point. For comedy lovers this might be…
Another Afternoon in Mutant Paradise
Rahne was currently engaged in one of the rarest activities known for an X-Man to do on a Friday afternoon. Watching television. "I can't believe Forge broke the Danger Room again! Well might as well enjoy it!"
She was in the living room with Tabitha, Jubilee, Amara and Kitty watching television. Well Kitty was at the window watching Penny chase squirrels. "Yeah you'd think he'd have known better not to try and 'improve' those flame throwers," Kitty remarked. "Great! Penny's slicing up squirrels again!"
"Oh let her chase the squirrels," Rahne told her. "In fact if she wants to get rid of the stupid things more power to her. I hate squirrels. Nothing more than rats with fancy tails. Besides I could never catch those things anyway."
"The real problem is that it's not just squirrels she's hunting," Kitty told her.
"What do you mean? She hasn't attacked a mailman or a policeman in over a week," Rahne asked. "For her that's a record."
"That's because she's found other things to hunt when she gets out," Kitty groaned.
"Like what?" Amara asked.
"Let's just say there's a reason they had to close the alligator pit at the zoo," Kitty groaned.
"You know I wondered where Trinity got the materials to make all those handbags the other day," Rahne remarked.
"Martha Stewart has nothing on them," Jubilee remarked.
Suddenly there appeared in the middle of the room Cyclops, Rogue, Jean, Storm, Colossus, Wolverine, Nightcrawler, Iceman and Angel. But they were older and wearing green and black uniforms and were an adult version of the X-Men.
"Let me guess," Rahne said without batting an eye. "You're from an alternate dimension but a mishap with some machine sent you flying through time and space and you want to get home again? Am I right?"
"Yeah, how did you know?" The Older Rogue began.
"This sort of thing seems to happen all the time around here," Rahne told her. "You probably want to see our Professor. He's in his office. Down the hall and to the right."
"Oh," Older Cyclops said. "So there are X-Men in this universe?"
"Oh yeah," Kitty nodded. "I'm one of them. Name's Kitty Pryde. Codename Shadowcat. In case you haven't met me before."
"Shadowcat? But you're just a kid!" Wolverine snorted.
"We're all kids in this universe," Tabitha said. "Well not the Professor obviously, or Beast, Angel, Storm and Wolverine. They're our teachers."
"And Scott and Jean recently graduated," Jubilee added.
"Wait, hold on…" Iceman held up his hand. "Wolverine is a teacher here? Oh this I have got to see!"
"You really want something to see for Show and Tell?" Wolverine pointed his claws at him.
"Oh come on and follow me," Kitty sighed. She led the Alternate X-Men out of the room to Xavier's office.
"So what else is on?" Tabitha casually picked up the TV remote and started to change the channels. "Let's see…the Entertainment Channel has the life story of Anna Nichole, The Movie Entertainment Channel has another movie of Anna Nichole…Golf, golf, sports, more golf, guys arguing about golf, some idiots playing golf underwater…Court TV talking about the legal aspects of Anna Nichole's death…"
"Five hundred channels and nothing on them," Rahne groaned.
"We could actually do something else," Amara suggested. "You know like go outside and…"
"SQUEEEEEE!" The sound of another squirrel meeting it's maker could be heard.
"And get our shoes covered in squirrel guts?" Jubilee gave her a look. "Forget it. Keep going Tabby."
Tabitha clicked to the news channel. "In other news a genetic research company has reported the escape of five genetically constructed pigs," The newscaster read. "The animals were supposed to be tested as a new source of food. Researchers were trying to capitalize on the trend of genetically modified fruit and vegetables and take it a step further. The pigs were last seen flying south near…"
The newscaster did a double take. "FLYING? OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! JUST WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS! MUTANT PIGS!"
"Took the words right out of my mouth," Rahne groaned. "And of course we're going to have to deal with them when they come to Bayville."
"What makes you think they're coming this way?" Amara asked.
"Because every lunatic, crazy alien, weirdo loser or bizarre thing out there ends up in Bayville sooner or later," Rahne told her.
"Hey guys!" Todd said as he hopped into the room. Fred and Pyro were with him.
"See what I mean?" Rahne pointed out.
"You have a point," Amara groaned.
"A point? A point where?" Pyro looked around.
"It's on your head," Tabitha rolled her eyes. "What do you morons want?"
"We were wondering if any of you know where we could find a thousand ping pong balls?" Fred asked.
"Why would you want a thousand ping pong balls?" Rahne asked.
"Uhhhhhh…No reason," Pyro whistled.
"We don't want to know anything more about this do we?" Rahne sighed.
"Not really," Todd remarked. "Unless you want to be part of a huge Federal Investigation."
"I believe we'll pass thank you very much," Rahne sighed.
"Yeah we've got some serious television viewing to do," Tabitha said. "But we're not sure what to watch."
"Why don't you just put on VH1?" Fred asked. "They have that model show marathon going on."
"Now why didn't I think of that?" Tabitha hit her head with the palm of her hand. She changed the channel. "Thanks Blob."
"You're welcome," Fred nodded. "Come on guys let's go look for the peanut butter while we're at it."
"We could always check Nightcrawler's room," Todd remarked as they left.
"He keeps peanut butter in his room?" Pyro asked.
"How should I know? I just wanna snoop," Todd told him.
"I thought they'd never leave," Amara groaned when they did.
"They never leave, that's the problem," Rahne told her.
"No they leave, but they keep coming back," Tabitha offered her opinion.
Just then Forge ran by them. "Girls do me a favor! I'm going to go hide in the bushes outside for a while. If you see either Wolverine or X23…Don't tell them where I went!"
"Why?" Rahne asked.
"No reason!" Forge ran away.
"And back to TV..." Tabitha sighed as she changed channels.
"Hey have you guys seen Toad and Pyro?" Pietro zoomed in. "There's like a truckload of ping pong balls that came for them?"
"Upstairs in Nightcrawler's room," Rahne sighed.
"Cool! I could do some snooping!" Pietro zoomed away.
"Should we worry about Kurt's privacy being violated?" Rahne asked.
"Why? I do it all the time," Tabitha asked. "You should read his diary. It's really interesting."
"This place keeps getting loonier and loonier," Rahne groaned.
FLASH!
Standing in front of them were several monkeys in X-Men uniforms. There was a giant blue gorilla, a smaller blue monkey, a chimpanzee with a visor that looked at lot like Cyclops, another female monkey with brown hair and a white streak in it. A female monkey with long white hair and blue eyes, a large metal orangutan and a small monkey made of ice.
"It certainly does," Tabitha agreed.
"Oh dear," The giant blue gorilla blinked. "I don't suppose this is a dimension where the primary source of intelligent life is a highly evolved society of simians is it?"
"If you're asking if this is some kind of Monkey Universe, no it isn't," Tabitha told them. "Now please move. You're blocking the TV."
"Uh I do not wish to interrupt your entertainment," The Blue Gorilla blinked. "But if you could please inform us where we could find some assistance for our plight. You see we are interdimensional travelers of space and time, thrust from our home world…"
"Down the hall and to the right," Rahne pointed her finger out the door.
"I think she wants us to go down the hall and to the right," The Monkey Cyclops told his crew.
"Follow me," Jubilee sighed and got up. The monkeys shrugged and followed her out of the room.
"Talk to the bald guy in the wheelchair!" Tabitha called after them. "He'll help you out!"
"Seems to be a lot of heavy traffic on the crossroads of space and time today," Rahne remarked.
"Hey girls! Come quick!" Paige ran up to them. "There's a snowball fight going on in the kitchen!"
"Again?" Rahne raised an eyebrow.
"This time Storm's the one who started it!" Paige said excitedly.
"Really? What did Shipwreck do this time?" Rahne asked.
"I dunno but whatever it was Storm's really mad," Paige told them.
"I gotta see this!" Amara got up. "You girls coming?"
"Nah you seen Shipwreck get turned into a snowman once or thirteen times inside a building you've kind of seen them all," Tabitha shrugged. "Go on ahead and tape it for me."
"Multiple's already taping it," Paige said.
"Then we'll catch it on his next news program," Rahne told them. Paige and Amara shrugged then left. "I know why I didn't want to go. Last time it took over an hour to get all the snow and ice out of my fur. But why not you?"
"What and miss the Next Top Model Marathon?" Tabitha asked. "This is the one where they make them do that catwalk over the shark tank!"
"Cool," Rahne grinned and further settled into the couch. "Finally some uninterrupted TV time!"
Just then Logan and Rina walked in. They were both covered in magnets. "Has anyone seen Forge?" Logan asked.
"Uh…What happened to you?" Rahne blinked. "What's that all over…?"
"Forge's latest invention," Rina told her. "Super powered magnets. Where is he?"
"Outside in the bushes," Tabitha pointed.
"Thank you," Rina shot out her claws. Some of the magnets on her body attached themselves to them. "For crying out loud…"
"We're going to have to settle for pounding him," Logan told his clone as they left in search of Forge.
"Fine by me," Rina agreed.
"What does a girl have to do in order to get some peace and quiet around here?" Rahne groaned. "Move to Alaska?"
"Maybe further," Tabitha agreed. "You know Rahne I've always considered you one of the sanest people at Mutant Manor. But in a good way."
"Thanks a lot," Rahne gave her an odd look.
"No I mean it. How anyone can stay sane in this nuthouse is an achievement in itself," Tabitha said. "How do you do it?"
FLASH!
Just then another group of spandex clad figures appeared in the living room. There was a Cyclops with a large red helmet with a visor on it. A Jean Grey that appeared to be only nineteen with very large assets and very perky eyes. A Wolverine that looked he was right out of a Frank Miller comic with a huge jaw, fangs and very large muscles. An older Jubilee that resembled more of a samurai warrior. An Angel that was blue and had metal wings. A woman encased completely in ice (presumably Icewoman). A Storm that had a long white Mohawk and was clad completely in leather. For variety there was also a Goth Pyro with long red hair and an equally muscular Sabertooth with them.
"It's not easy," Rahne sighed. "Alternate dimension X-Men. Am I right?"
"X-Force but yes," Samurai Jubilee spoke in a calm voice. "This does not disturb you? Seeing alternate versions of yourselves?"
"Let's just say this sort of thing isn't exactly unheard of around here," Rahne sighed.
Just then the Cyclops Monkey stuck his head in the door. "Excuse me, do you know where we could find some bananas?"
"There's some frozen ones in the kitchen," Rahne told him. "Well they must be frozen by now."
"Uh…" Perky Jean coughed.
"Down the hall and to the right," Both Tabitha and Rahne said at the same time.
"There's kind of a line," Cyclops Monkey told them. "That's why I went to get a snack."
"There you are," Jubilee walked in. "I told you not to go wandering off!" She saw the newest group of alternate selves. "What is this? A running gag?"
"STORM COME ON!" Shipwreck ran by screaming. He looked half frozen and was barely able to dodge the lighting behind him. Ororo ran after him looking very angry. "SO I ACCIDENTALLY LOST SOME OF YOUR UNDERWEAR IN A BET? I'LL BUY YOU SOME NEW ONES! YEOW! ENOUGH WITH THE LIGHTNING ALREADY!"
"No, that's a running gag," Rahne told her.
"Okay everyone who isn't from this dimension follow me down the hall," Jubilee sighed. Then she saw Samurai Jubilee. "Hey are you a Jubilee too?"
"Yes, I am the leader of X-Force," Samurai Jubilee told her.
"Cool! Hey maybe later can you teach me some cool fighting moves?" Jubilee asked as they left.
"Why not?" Samurai Jubilee shrugged.
"Can you believe that?" Tabitha asked.
"Aye," Rahne sighed. "We're never going to get a minute to watch television in peace are we?"
"Logan you have to do something about Penny!" Kitty stomped into the room, hot on Logan's heels.
"Afraid not," Tabitha shrugged. "Let's see what's new on As The Mutant Stomach Turns."
Logan was trying to pull off magnets from his body and ignore her at the same time. But he wasn't having much luck doing either. "Look Half Pint I told you I'd get that dead squirrel out of the bathtub in a minute. Just as soon as I get these stupid things off!"
"Wolverine I thought you were chasing Forge down?" Rahne asked.
"I was but I delegated," Logan remarked.
"AAHHHHHH!" Forge ran for his life past the room. Rina, Jamie and Trinity were after him.
"I'm surprised you didn't get Penny in on the act," Rahne remarked.
"Nah Charles told me he needs Forge alive," Logan told her.
"Which brings me back to my point! I think her hunting instincts are getting out of control!" Kitty told him.
"Calm down Half Pint," Logan grumbled. "So she rips apart a few stupid squirrels? Other than that…"
"MAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
A tall and gangly brown creature on four legs with antlers ran by them in the hallways with Penny not far behind. "Was that a moose?" Tabitha blinked.
"Yes it was," Logan sighed. "Oh great! PENNY!" He ran into the hallway after Penny.
"I can't take any more of this," Kitty groaned and plopped down on the couch next to Rahne. "What's on TV?"
"Next Top Model," Rahne told her. "The one with the sharks. Here comes the good part!"
"There goes the model into the tank!" Tabitha whooped. "Whoa! That's some bite! Took a huge hunk out!"
"That poor shark," Rahne said. "I knew models don't eat much and get really hungry but this is ridiculous."
"No wonder they got all those letters from PETA," Kitty agreed.
"SHUT UP PYRO!" Bobby could be heard screaming throughout the mansion. "JUST BECAUSE OUR ALTERNATE SELVES ARE DATING IT DOESN'T MEAN I'M GAY!"
"And there goes another running joke," Rahne rolled her eyes.
"YOU DID WHAT FORGE?" Scott could be heard shouting. "YOU SENT WHAT KIND OF A SIGNAL? THAT'S WHAT'S ATTRACTING ALL THESE PEOPLE FROM OTHER DIMENSIONS?"
"Now didn't we all see that coming?" Rahne sighed.
"Here's something else that's coming," Kitty looked out the window. "I swear that looks like a flock of flying pigs."
"It is a flock of flying pigs," Rahne looked at her watch. "And right on time too."
ZZAPP!
"OINK! OINK! OINK!"
"And of course they'd be able to shoot lasers out of their snouts!" Rahne groaned. "There goes another statue."
"Oh forget it!" Tabitha turned the television off. "Might as well go outside and start bringing home the bacon! I've seen this episode twenty times already."
"All right everyone this is a standard drill," Scott shouted as dozens of mutants from other dimensions and the current one ran out the door. "You know the routine!"
"Well actually we don't," The Blue Gorilla told him.
"Just do what everyone else does!" Scott snapped as they ran outside. "EXCEPT FOR WHAT PYRO IS DOING! KNOCK IT OFF YOU MANIAC!"
"Hey Rahne you have a phone call," Ray handed Rahne the cell phone before he ran out the door. "It's your mom from Muir Island. Hey guys! Wait for me! I want to fry some bacon too!"
"Hello Moira," Rahne spoke to her adopted mother. "I'm fine. What's new around here you ask?"
"SQUEEEE!"
"GOOD SHOT ALTERNATE CYCLOPS!" Fred was heard shouting. "TIME FOR SOME BARBECUE! I GOT THE SAUCE! PYRO MAKE US A GOOD OLD FASHIONED BONFIRE!"
"NOT THAT BIG PYRO!" Jean was heard shouting. "STORM! STOP PELTING SHIPWRECK WITH SNOWBALLS AND HELP US PUT OUT THE FIRE HERE!"
"HOLD IT RED! FIRST WE WANNA BARBECUE FORGE!" Logan was heard shouting.
"WOLVERINE WE NEED HIM TO HELP SEND ALL THESE OTHER X-NUTS BACK HOME!" Scott shouted. "THEN YOU CAN BARBECUE HIM!"
"HEY IF ANYONE'S NOT GONNA EAT THIS SQUIRREL CAN I HAVE IT?" X-Sabertooth shouted.
"PENNY CHASED THE MOOSE INTO THE POOL!" Jamie could be heard yelling. "AND IT'S MAKING A MESS!"
"ANYBODY KNOW WHAT ALL THOSE PING PONG BALLS ARE DOING IN MY ROOM?" Kurt yelled.
"GIVE ME BACK THOSE BANANAS!" Paige shouted.
"MAKE ME!" Monkey Cyclops shouted.
"Nothing much," Rahne told Moira. "Pretty much the same thing that always goes on around here."