For you're enjoyment, since Elsali, has inspired me. (She's somewhere on livejournal who wrote 100+ things on Batman Begins.)
I've written a full-length Batman Begins spoof that is sure to make you're day.
Jokes are original except ones stolen from a little MTV thing. Others inspired by Elsali. :)
With pride I give you:
BATMAN BEGINS:
Little Rachel: OOO ARROW HEAD.
Little Bruce: MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE! [ takes, runs, and falls into a well ]
Little Bruce: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! BATS! The screechiness! Get it out! Get it out! My ears! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Bruce: [ beats up bullies for stealing his gruel. ]
Guards: THAT'S IT. NO SOUP FOR YOU.
Bruce: [ frown ]
Duncard: Wazzup fo'
Bruce: HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?
Duncard: [ has speech moment ]
Bruce: Has the cold numbed your ability to just shut the hell up and leave my muddy self in peace?
Duncard: [ angry face ] I want you to join me in a ninja army. You just need a blue flower to join.
Bruce: Okay. I got nothing better to do.
Bruce: [ gets thrown out of a truck ] YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED THE CAR.
Audience: OMG POOR BRUCE.
Bruce: You ain't seen nothing yet.
Bruce: [ enters ninja palace all bundled up. ]
Duncard: Yo. You got that flower?
Bruce: Yup. Now what?
Duncard: [ speech ]
Ken Watanabe: [ speaks japanese. ]
Duncard: TIME TO FIGHT!
Bruce: HUH WHAT? But I can barely stand ...
Duncard: Does it look like I care?
Bruce: ...No. [ gets ass kicked. ]
FLASHBACK.
Little Rachel: [ is annoying ]
Little Bruce: [ is chicken ]
Bruce's Dad: [ is boring ]
Parents of Bruce: [ take Bruce to a play with people dressed as GIANT BAT DEMONS ]
Little Bruce: [ almost wets himself. ] LEAVE NOW PLEASE.
Mom: What the hell? That was the good part.
Joe Chill: I KEEL YOU DEAD! [ shoots parents ]
Camera: [ gets blurry ]
Audience: What the heck just happened? Did Bruce's dad dive in front of Bruce's mom and then get himself shot in the process? AAARGH! Shaky camera work!
/FLASHBACK
Bruce: [ gets heavy duty ninja training. ]
Duncard: [ can still kick his ass. ]
ANOTHER FLASHBACK, courtesy of Ducard's probing methods.
Rachel: Hi.
Bruce: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE WOMAN!
Bruce: [ wants to Kill Chill, Volume One. ]
Joe Chill: [ gets shot ]
Bruce: I wanted to do that...
Rachel: Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Bruce: [ pulls out gun ]
Rachel: WTF BRUCE. [ Slaps Him, TWICE. ]
Audience: OMGWTF! HOW DARE SHE SLAP BATMAN!
Rachel: [ drops Bruce off at the dangerous Mobster Hangout people disappear at then leaves ]
Bruce: Note to self: make Rachel pay.
Tom Wilkinson(As a charming mob boss): FOOL.
Bruce: ...Maybe I should have thought this over.
Bruce: [ gets ass kicked. ]
Tom Wilkinson(As a charming mob boss): Bye Bruce! See you in seven years!
Bruce: [ robs stuff and speaks chinese ]
Audience: ...?
/FLASHBACK
Bruce: [ gets high off of that blue flower ]
Ducard: [ becomes scary with glowing eyes and all ]
Bruce: DAMN THIS SHIT IS STRONG.
CUE SPIFFY NINJA SCENE
Bruce: [ finally gets to that box, opens it with the sword, and- IS ATTACKED BY BATS ]
Bruce: BATS! GYAAAAH! The screeching! Agh! AAAAGH!
Duncard: [ gets served ]
Ken Watanabe: [ speech time! ] ... it is the League of Shadows' duty to destroy a city before it destroys itself and Gotham is about to join that elite club blahblahblahblah
Bruce: [ gets sleepy ]
Duncard: 'Kay. KILL THIS DUDE!
Bruce: WTF HELLS NO.
Duncard: You have failed me, my young Padawan.
Bruce: [ gets hot poker and sets place on fire. ] BURN BABY BURN! MWAHA
Ken Watanabe: [ attacks Bruce with sword, but mobility is cut short when flaming beams fall onto him causing him to die. ]
Bruce: LAMEST. VILLAN. EVER. [ goes and saves Duncard's sorry ass ]
Alfred: You look very fashionable. Mud is In. Very In.
Bruce: I want to bring justice. But.. I need a cool costume first. Hmm. [ goes into speech mode ]
Alfred: Whatever but you're dead. The Man-Who-Has-Taken-Over-Wayne-Enterprises-Now-That-Papa-Wayne-Is-Dead says so.
Bruce: [ snark mode ] Then I'm glad I left everything to you.
Boring: [ LEAVES THE MOVIE ]
Crane: [ at Arkham's equivalent of a press conference ]
Girls in Audience: CILLIAN MURPHY! SQUEEEEEEE!
Guys in Audience: [ eye roll ]
Crane: Mister Zasz is mentally unstable, blahblahblah, prison is not the right place for him, lalala, come on down to Arkham where everyone will love him I promise ...
Zasz: Props, homey.
Rachel: [ knows too much ] Why the hell did you constitute Mister Zasz as insane when he is clearly not and he should go to prison because of the crime he did and WHY THE HELL DOES everyone your putting in the asylum work for Falcone?
Crane: Don't question my motives, 'kay?
Rachel: [ talk more ]
Crane: Somebody tell her to shut up.
Rachel's Boss: WTF RACHEL DON'T MESS WITH HIM!
Bruce: [ is in a pile of newspaper clippings ]
Bat: HELP! THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN!
Bruce: BATS!
Alfred: ...Yeah. They just luuurve Wayne Manor.
Bruce: [ goes into investigating mode and finds LOTS AND LOTS OF BATS. ]
Bruce: [ breathes in bats ]
Crane: So. You scratch my back I scratch yours.
Falcone: Whatever.
Crane: If you keep that tone with me, I'll mush your brain!
Falcone: HA! Anyway, I'm going to kill Rachel.
Crane: How?
Falcone: Erm...
Crane: [ le sigh ]
Bruce: [ teaches secretary how to play golf ]
Man-Who-Has-Taken-Over-Wayne-Enterprises-Now-That-Papa-Wayne-Is-Dead: WTF
Fox: This is a dead end job.
Bruce: Man-Who-Has-Taken-Over-Wayne-Enterprises-Now-That-Papa-Wayne-Is-Dead's job sounds nice. I don't like him. I think I mig- OHH WAZALLTHISSTUFF?
Fox: [ shows Bruce nifty gadgets ]
Bruce: OOO. AHH.
Fox: [ pulls out a suit made out of Kevlar that won't tear and can resist bullets ]
Bruce: OOOO. Can I have that?
Fox: Why?
Bruce: Um... Spelunking
Fox: Eeehh?
Bruce: [ really does go spelunking with it. ] CAVES FULL OF BATS! BATS IN A CAVE! BATCAVES! Haha. I shall call you The BatCave.
Alfred: Yup. You've lost it.
Alfred: We have to order a billion masks.
Bruce: M'kay...We'll have spares.
Audience: HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE CHRISTIAN BALE AFTER GETTING THIS FAR!
Gorden: [ Hates Life ]
Bruce: [ Attacks Gorden with a stapler, in a Ski-mask ]
Gorden: [ Paranoid ]
Bruce: [ tries to impress Gorden with a jump off the roof but lands on his back ]
Gorden: ...?
Bruce: Um.. [ runs ]
Gorden: Wow, what a nutcase.
Bruce: Do you have light material that won't weigh down the body?
Fox: More spelunking?
Bruce: No. This time, I'm thinking about base jumping. You know, jumping off buildings.
Fox: Eeehhh? I'm not an Idiot.
Bruce: ...
Bruce: ANYWAY. WAZZAT?
Fox: A tank.
Bruce: Dibs!
Bruce: [ Gives Fox a heart-attack driving the tank ]
Fox: [ develops a complex ]
Bruce: Does it come in black?
Alfred: This mask is too weak. Don't land on your head.
Bruce: Aw man.
Flass: [ picks up drug bag ] What the hell is this?
Smuggler: Uh... polymer beads?
Falcone: I regret letting you in on this, Flass. You're an Idiot.
Smugglers: [ are smuggling ]
CREEPY NOISE
Smuggler #4: [ Is missing ]
Smugglers: What's going on? Who is daring enough to interrupt the smugglers while smuggling!
Batman: Boo!
Smugglers: [ Wet themselves ]
Batman: [ Beats the shit out of them ]
Constantine the Smuggler: WHERE ARE YOU?
Batman: HERE! [ beats him up ]
Falcone: Oh no! [ hides in limo ] GET ME THE HELL OUT OF THERE, LIKE, NOW. PLEASE, DRIVER.
Driver: [ Is not there ]
Falcone: [ Silent Panic attack ] WHO ARE YOU?
Batman: I'M BATMAN, BITCH!
Falcone: What kind of cheesy name is that? God, am I stuck in a cheesy B-grade horror movie?
Batman: That's it. YOU DIE NOW.
Falcone: [ IS THE BATSIGNAL. ]
Bruce: ZZzzzZZzzZ
Alfred: [ Lets sunshine in ]
Bruce: ACK! Bats are nocturnal!
Audience: [ Laughs hysterically ]
Bruce: ...Dude... It wasn't that funny.
Alfred: Drink this.
Bruce: [ drinks then drops to the floor ]
Audience: OMG ALFRED POISONED HIM!
Bruce: [ doing push-ups ]
Alfred: Geez. Get a life Bruce.
Bruce: [ arrives in a nice car, flanked by two ladies with nice legs ]
Valet: DAMN BOY!
Bruce: [ wink ]
Friends of Bruce: BLAH BLAH BLAH. Batman, Batman, Batman.
Man Friend: Batman's a lunatic.
Woman Friend: HERO!
Man Friend: LUNATIC!
Woman Friend: HERO!
Man Friend: LUNATIC!
Woman Friend: HERO!
Man Friend: LUNATIC!
Woman Friend: HERO, Bruce?
Bruce: WhatBatmanisnotmeIswear.
Friends of Bruce: ...?
Bruce: Uh... I mean- This man dresses up as a bat … clearly he has some issues.
Friends of Bruce: Oh, okay then. [ continue talking ]
Lady Friends of Bruce: [ get naked in a fountain ]
Stuffy Waitor: [ complains ]
Bruce: [ whips out checkbook and buys hotel ]
Bruce: [ Hops in fountain with lady friends ]
Bruce: [ in bathrobe with lady friends ]
Rachel: [ OMGOSHISOHSOJEALOUS ]
Bruce: Uh..It's not what you think?
Rachel: [ is suddenly Uncle Ben, only with boobs ] Who you are on the inside doesn't matter. It's what you do that defines you.
Bruce: ...yeah. Sure.
Lady Friend: Bruce! We have more hotels to buy!
Rachel: [ PISSED AND LEAVES ]
Bruce: YOU'RE FIRED, LADY FRIEND!
Man-Who-Has-Taken-Over-Wayne-Enterprises-Now-That-Papa-Wayne-Is-Dead: [ Is in boardroom alone doing god-knows-what ]
Man Who Interrupts M.W.O.W.E.N.T.P.W.I.D: Uh. Bad News. We lost a Giant Microwave.
Man-Who-Has-Taken-Over-Wayne-Enterprises-Now-That-Papa-Wayne-Is-Dead: [ IS IN DEEP SHIT. ]
Crane: [ meets lady judge lady person ] What do you want?
Lady Judge Lady Person: Falcone slit his wrists to commit suicide. I thought it'd be best to call you.
Crane: Oh, really? And you think I'd give a shit... why?
Crane: Those bandages are very fashionable on you.
Falcone: [ acknowledges Crane's presence ] I can't take it anymore! The walls are closing in! I'm sure to go insane anytime now! And I get crappy food!
Crane: And you think I care, why?
Falcone: I'm important. Get me out of jail, kaythanx.
Crane: Screw you. You're not in the plans.
Falcone: I helped you! Now you help me.
Crane: Screw. You.
Falcone: I WANT IN! You used my thugs! I own Gotham! Plus I know dirt on you, like how your running experiments on your paitents.
Crane: ... [ sigh ]
Falcone: [ victory grin ]
Crane: Would you like to see my mask?
Falcone: ...?
Crane: [ gets out his burlap sack mask and presses a shiny button on it. ]
Falcone: Wtf?
Crane: Patients hate my mask. Makes them nuts. They flip out and stuff. It's really cool. Wanna see?
Falcone: Who let the nut in charge of the nuthouse?
Crane: TEEHEE. I luuvre my mask.
Falcone: ...Okaaaaay.
Crane: [ Gases Falcone ]
Falcone: [ SPAZ ]
Masked Crane: [ Is oh-so-snarky ]
Lady Judge Lady Person: Well?
Crane: He's nuts alright.
Gorden: [ takes out trash ]
Batman: Sup, dawg?
Gorden: AHH!
Batman: Storm's coming.
Gorden: Uh..right. Thanks for catching Falcone. The GPD wouldn't have caught him in a billion years. Do you not see the incompetents I work with?
Batman: I feel your pain. Anyways, half those drugs were missing. Know anybody who would know where they went?
Gorden: Flass. But he won't talk.
Batman: Hells yeah he will. I'll make him talk.
Flass: [ Buying falafel. And pinching money from the falafel man. ]
Falafel Man: Bitch! I have kids to feed.
Flass: They don't like falafel?
Falafel Man: I hope someone sporks your eyes out!
Flass: [ gets hung upside down by Batman ]
Batman: [ in that sexy growl ] WHERE'D THE OTHER HALF OF THE DRUGS GO!
Flass: AHHH! I DONNNO.
Batman: [ drops him and dangles him close to the ground ]
Flass: [ tries to grab dropped falafel ]
Batman: [ plays human yo-yo. ] TALK!
Flass: AHHHHH. OKAY IT GOES TO THAT DUDE IN THE NARROWS. NOBODY BUT COPS GO THERE.
Batman: DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING COP?
Flass: ...No.
Batman: [ drops him ]
Boy: HEY. You're that guy everybody talks about!
Batman: ...
Boy: My friends won't believe I meet you.
Batman: Here. Take this wicked awesome gadget that costs lots of money.
Boy: [ passes out from the hyperventilation ]
Batman: [ enters apartment full of BUNNIES ]
Bunnies: [ are everywhere ]
Batman: What the crap?
Bunnies: [ are full of drugs ]
Batman: ...A drug addict with a fetish for bunnies? You find all sorts in Gotham, man.
Door: [ opens ]
Batman: [ hides under a lamp shade ]
Crane: BURN EVERYTHING.. EVERYTHING!
Thug: Even you?
Crane: What the crap? OF COURSE NOT ME!
Thugs: [ poor gasoline everywhere ]
Crane: [ Watches a zombie eat somebody out the window ] :)
Batman: [ Sneezes ]
Thug: What was that?
Crane: Take care of it. I have to put my villain suit on. [ runs off ]
Batman: [ Comes out and beats up thugs ] This is getting way too easy. Why the heck do people bother hiring thugs nowadays?
Masked Crane: [ enters ]
Batman: ...What the crap? And I'm supposed to perceive this man in a burlap sack as a threat … HOW?
Masked Crane: [ gases Batman and sticks him in a chair ] Take a seat, Have a drink. [ douses Batman in gasoline ]
Batman: [ SEES BATS ] This can't be good.
Masked Crane: You look like a man who takes his work too seriously. Want my advice?
Batman: [ Moan, drool, SPAZ ]
Masked Crane: [ Giggles like a schoolgirl ] YOU SHOULD LIGHTEN UP! [ sets Batman on fire ]
Batman: EEEEEE! AHHHHH! FIRE! IT BURNS! [ Jumps out window ]
Masked Crane: Oh my god. Did everyone see that?
Batman: [ falls out window burning and drugged ]
People: [ Watch ]
Man: Should we help him or something?
People: Nah.
Batman: [ goes to roof and calls Alfred on speed dial ] Help. plzkaythaxbye.
Alfred: [ stuffs Batman in backseat ]
Batman: BATS EEEK! AAAGH! THE SCREECHING! [ mumbles about poisons and toxins ]
Alfred: [ shakes head ]
Batman: [ talks to himself about poisons and toxins ]
Bruce: [ wakes up after dreaming about poisons and toxins ]
Alfred: 'Sup? So, you've been asleep for 2 days and it's your birthday! Happy Birthday!
Bruce: That sucks. Anyway, I think I was gassed with some sort of weaponized hallucinogen.
Alfred: Weapon-a-what?
Bruce: Weaponized hallucinogen.
Alfred: Weaponized hallucinogen?
Bruce: Weaponized hallucinogen.
Audience: What?
Bruce: Weaponized hallucinogen.
Audience: Weaponized hallucinogen?
Bruce: Yes, weaponized hallucinogen.
Alfred: Er.. Right. So, Fox is here.
Bruce: Hi Fox.
Fox: 'Sup?
Alfred: Being how nice and full of way too much free time he is, he created an antitoxin for your condition. So you won't be affected by weaponized hallucinogens anymore.
Fox: Weaponized what?
Alfred: Weaponized hallucinogens.
Fox: Weaponized hallucinogens?
Alfred: Yes, weaponized hallucinogens.
Fox: Anyways, Bruce, what where you doing getting yourself knocked out for two days?
Bruce: Well, you know – go to a couple of clubs, get knocked out by a weaponized hallucinogens. Fox, go make more of that antitoxin.
Fox: Planning on getting yourself knocked out again?
Bruce: ...Probably.
DING DONG.
Rachel: Hello Alfred, can Bruce come out and play?
Alfred: No. He's not here. GO AWAY.
Bruce: Yo' Al! Who's at the door?
Rachel: [ talks about nothing important ] Blah, blah, blah, blah blahblahblahblahblah.
Bruce: [ wonders where her bra is. ]
Rachel: Blahblahblahblahblahblahblah blah. Blah blah blah... And my boss has been missing for two days.
Bruce: What? Your boss?
Rachel: [ cellphone rings with a N'sync ringtone ] Hello?
Rachel: NO WAY MAN. DAMN HIM. Cranes moved Falcone to his mental hospital. I'm going to go over there and bitch to him. [ leaves ]
Bruce: Hm... I think I'll go snoop. [ goes to be Batman ]
Alfred: The guests?
Bruce: Uh.. Tell them that joke.
Alfred: What joke? I don't know any jokes?
WE BE AT ARKHAM NOW, YO.
Rachel: [ still annoying and very impatient ]
Falcone: SCARECROW SCARECROW SCARECROW! AHHH HAHAHA
Crane: [ enters after being cockblocked ]
Rachel: [ bitches ] Falcone does not belong here! There is no WAY IN HELL a perfectly sane man could turn insane overnight! [ talks more ]
Crane: ...
Rachel: [ still talking ]
Crane: Do you ever shut up?
Falcone: SCARECROWSCARECROW SCARECROW OMGOSH SCARECROW SO CREEPY.
Rachel: What the hell is 'scarecrow'?
Crane: My dear, a scarecrow is something farmers use to scare crows away from their crops. Get it? Scare the crows? Scare-crow.
Rachel: - But what does a scarecrow got to do with anything?
Crane: EVERYTHING.
Rachel: WHAT THE CRAP IS A SCARECROW DOING IN A ASYLUM? Are you people running a farm? And where are you getting this stuff anyway?
Crane: I'm going to do something bad to you. I'm so very naughty.
Rachel: [ hears nothing, 'cause she is to busy admiring the art in the elevator ]
Crane: [ Locks controls to elevator ]
Elevator: [ stops ] You are now on the lowest level of Hell- Arkham.
Crane: This is where we make the medicine.
Rachel: This can't be good.
Crane: I'd like to turn your brain in to mush now, if you don't mind.
Rachel: [ Runs like hell into elevator ]
Elevator: [ Is locked ] Nah nah.
Masked Crane: [ O.D.'s her with weaponized hallucinogen ]
Masked Crane: [ drags Rachel's nosy ass to where they make the medicine ]
Rachel: [ Sees slugs of doom! ]
Masked Crane: Who knows you're here?
Rachel: SLUGS EEEP.
Masked Crane: WHO'S KNOWS, BITCH?
Rachel: [ pees herself ] OMGOSH THE WRIGGLING SLUGS OF DOOM.
Masked Crane: - Kill her.
Grunts: What's gonna happen to her?
Masked Crane: WTF. DO YOU THINK IS GUNNA HAPPEN IF YOU KILL HER?
Grunts: [ clueless ]
Masked Crane: Why did I bother hiring thugs?
BANG BOOM, NOISE, ETC.
Masked Crane: [ swirls around in a very sexy manner taking off the mask. ]
Girls in Audience: OMG CILLIAN THAT WAS SO HOT.
Crane: Shit. He's here.
Arkham Grunt #67: Who's here?
Crane: [ orgasming ] The Batman.
Arkham Grunt #67: Who the hell is Batman?
Crane: Somebody shoot him.
Arkham Grunt #67: [ Is shot ]
Grunts: Can he really fly? I heard he can turn invisible – is it true? Does his suit have nipples like the previous Batsuits? ETC.
Crane: We'll find out, won't we? I gotta pee. Why don't you guys stay here and find out if he can die? [ exits stage left aka hides under the stairs ]
Batman: - Thugs again? [ beats the hell out of some grunts, makes a mess, beats the hell out of some more grunts, and makes an even bigger mess. ]
Masked Crane: I KEEL YOU BATMAN.
Batman: [ yawn. pulls Crane's mask off ]
Crane: I'M EXPOSED.
Batman: [ doses him with his own weaponized hallucinogen ]
Crane: [ sees Batman now as a Reject of Buffy ]
Reject of Buffy Batman: WHO YOU WORKING FOR.
Crane: Who do you think? Ra's Al Ghul, of course.
Reject of Buffy Batman: HE'S DEAD.
Crane: No..
Reject of Buffy Batman: WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?
Crane: I just told you. Stupid.
Reject of Buffy Batman: LAIR! WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?
Crane: Dr. Crane is not in at the moment, but if you'd like to make an appointment …
Nothing: [ Beats that line ]
Batman: [ is disgusted, drops Crane ] Now what?
SIRENS, POLICE NOISE, ETC.
Batman: DANGIT! [ drops Rachel ]
Rachel: OW.
Sirens: [ are mythological creatures that lure sailors to their imminent deaths ]
Batman: Singing … like how my mother used to sing to me … Must … go … find … source … of … singing …
Police: [ Have place surrounded ]
Flass: Why are you guys just standing here?
Policeguy #56: Batman is in there.
Gorden: Screw you, Flass.
Gorden: The hell?
Batman: [ holding drugged up Rachel ] Uh..I didn't do it.
Gorden: ...Right.
Batman: I swear! It was Crane, In the basement, With the weaponized hallucinogen.
Gorden: Weaponized what?
Batman: Weaponized hallucinogen.
Gorden: Weaponized hallucinogen?
Batman: Weaponized hallucinogen.
Rachel: WEEPON-A-BLAH-BLAH. [ drools ]
Batman: No, weaponized hallucinogen.
Gorden: Weaponized hallucinogen...
Batman: Yes, weaponized hallucinogen. And he's gunna infect the city cuz' he poored it in our watermain.
Gorden: Well, that sucks. Is Rachel dying?
Batman: Yeah but I have an antitoxin. So we can, like, fix everything.
Gorden: Right on!
Batman: [ Pushes button ]
Gorden: Wazzat?
Batman: BACK UP.
Bats: [ swarm in and attack only Flass ]
Flass: EEEK.
Gorden: [ brings drugged Rachel outside ]
Batman: Thank you, bats!
Bats: [ gather and spell out 'You're Welcome' ]
Gorden: Okaaaay... Anyway, I'm finally glad to be out of that madhouse.
Batman: I like bats.
Gorden: So, what do we do with Rachel?
Batman: ... Give her antitoxin?
Gorden: Take my car.
Batman: NO WAY MAN. [ Gets his tank ] I got mine!
Gorden: Hot damn!
Tank: [ scares the crap out of Police ]
Police: [ Are jealous of Tumbler ]
Tank: [ wreaks havoc ]
Rachel: OMGWTFISGOINGONAMIDEAD?
Tank: [ death-defy! ]
Batman: Shut up Rachel, can't you see I'm driving?
Half the Audience: [ Can't keep straight face ]
Batman: Breathe.
Jimmy Fallon: [ smells nasty fart ] GROSS BATMAN.
Cop #67: [ On CB radio ] Who's the lunatic in the Tumbler?
Andy Dick: I don't know! It's Tankman!
Cop #67: What's he doing?
Andy Dick: He's just -TANKING AROUND.
Cop #2: He's on the roof! There is no way he's coming down... Unless that car can jump rooftops..
Tank: [ Jumps rooftops ]
Cop #67: You just had to say it..
Roof Repairman dude: Ah, finally. My life's work is complete!
Tank: [ RUNS OVER IT ]
Roof Repairman dude: CURSE YOU, TANKMAN, CURSE YOU!
Cop #9: Can you AT LEAST TELL ME WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!
Tank: [ flips Cop #9 off ]
Cop #9: Nevermind...
Tank: [ Destroys everything in its path with a Helicopter following it and somehow manages to make it back to the batcave unnoticed. ]
Audience: What this doesn't … quite … make … sense. Is the cave linked to the garage? Did Bruce and Alfred miraculously build an opening to the cave for the Tumbler to go through? Did it shrink in size and then squeeze through the well? What? What? What!
Batman: SHUT THE HELL UP.
Audience: Yes, Dark-Bat-Of-Sexiness.
Batman: [ places Rachel on a table that just so happens to be there for her to lay on. ]
Rachel: It's Crane. It's the medicine..
Batman: Oh puh-leeze. I figured it out earlier than you did, sister. Right. So I'm gunna give you an antidote so you won't be affected by the weaponized hallucinogens when it affects the city through the water supply. [ convinently has antidote right there ]
Thermos With Antidote in it Note: Dear Batman, This is from Fox. Your lover, Alfred. PS. I ran you I hot bath.
Batman: [ Gives Rachel antidote and dope ] Give this to Gorden and NOBODY ELSE. Not even Tom Cruise.
Rachel: [ Is sleeping ]
Batman: [ takes mask off ]
Audience: HELLO SEXY!
Gorden: Is it in the water?
Waterman: Yup. All of it.
Gorden: Why aren't we drugged yet?
Waterman: Cause it's an inhale type of drug.
Gorden: Oh, So I can drink this?
Waterman: ...I wouldn't.
Alfred: You never said anything about saving Gotham from drowning in a pool of its own feces. You said they weren't thrill seeking.
Bruce: They're not.
Alfred: [ points to news report of tank causing thousands in damage ] Then what the hell do you call this?
Bruce: Damn good television.
Alfred: [ makes Bruce feel bad ]
Bruce: PLEASE END THIS CONVERSATION.
Alfred: - I give up.
Bruce: [ enters Party ]
Guests: YEE [ sing]
Bruce: I hate this.
Man-Who-Has-Taken-Over-Wayne-Enterprises-Now-That-Papa-Wayne-Is-Dead: Hello, Bruce. I'd like you to know that I am doing a good job running the company and if anyone says anything about us having and a very deadly thing stolen, it's a lie.
Bruce: Whatever. Fox, make more Antidote.
Fox: Do you think I don't have a life?
Bruce: Yes..
Bruce: The watersupply is infected with the weaponized hallucinogen.
Fox: The weaponized hallucinogen? Bruce, the water isn't going to be randomly inhaled on its own. Not unless somebody had a Giant Microwave, like the one that was conveniently stolen from Wanye Enterprises the otherday.
Bruce: What?
Fox: Yeah and I got fired 'cuz Man-Who-Has-Taken-Over-Wayne-Enterprises-Now-That-Papa-Wayne-Is-Dead decided I knew to much.
Bruce: That can't be good. Go break into the lab and make more anitidote.
Fox: Kay.
Woman: HEY BRUCE! I want you to meet somebody.
Bruce: Are you trying to match me up with your daughter again? 'Cause if you think it's going to work on the second time-
Woman: No no no. It's a dude.
Bruce: Lady, I don't swing that way.
Woman: ...
Bruce: ...I don't.
Woman: Say hello to Mister Ra's Al Ghul.
Bruce: No! Ra's is dead! What are you talking about? Ra's is DEAD! DEAD, I SAY, DEAD! I watched him die! He collapsed under a bunch of flaming beams! Yes, flaming beams! It's pathetic but he's dead! What's going on? Are you crazy? Maybe you meant to say Ray's Old Girl! Wait – why would I want to have anything to do with Ray's Old Girl, whoever Ray is? Eww.
Fake Ra's Al Ghul: [ turns around ]
Bruce: Wait a tick- You're not Ra's..
Voice: Isn't Ra's immortal?
Bruce: Wtf, Of course he isn't. Wait who am I talking to? [ see's DUNCARD. DUN-DUN-DUUUN ...CAAARD ]
Ra's Al Duncard: [ :D ]
Bruce: OMGWTF?
Alfred: [ doesn't get questioned for stuffing drugged women in cars ]
Crane: [ is in a straightjacket ]
Girls in Audience: OMG CILLIAN IS SO SEXY RIGHT NOW. HE IS SEX IN A STRAIGHTJACKET.
Crane: [eye twitch] Scarecrow, Scarecrow, Scarecrow...
Gorden: ...Riiiiight. So, Crane-
Crane: SCARECROW.
Gorden: Crane, tell me how y-
Crane: SCARECROW.
Gorden: Crane I nee-
Crane: SCARECROW!
Gorden: But I-
Crane: SCARECROW DAMNIT!
Gorden: Scarecrow...
Crane: [ :D ]
Gorden: Okaaay, So, tell me how you were planning on getting to the water supply.
Crane: Scarecrow, Scarecrow, Scarecrow.
Gorden: [ Gets pissed off, throws mask at guard, and goes to leave ]
Crane: Haha.
Nurse Elsa: [ comes in to give Crane medicane... or so we think. ;D ]
Ra's Al Duncard: Yes, I'm the Ra's Al Ghul. I'm obsessed with immortality and I have a thing for destroying cities. And you are …?
Bruce: Let the guests leave at least.
Ra's Al Duncard: Go ahead and explain the situation.
Bruce: Uh.. [ Gets peoples attention ] Hello Everyone, I'd like to thank you all for ...drinking my booze.
Guests: [ Laugh ]
Man Guest: Haha it's true! I really am here because of the booze!
Bruce: No, seriously. The thing about being a Wayne is you're never short of a few freeloaders to fill up your mansion … So here's to you people.
Man Friend of Papa Wayne: Stop it Bruce.
Bruce: Bite me, I'm not finished. To you false friends … and pathetic stuck-ups who smile through your teeth at me … You had your fill, now leave me in peace. Get out. Everybody! Out!
Man Friend of Papa Wayne: The apple has fallen very far from the tree.
Bruce: Well, and a hearty fuck-you to you too!
Ra's Al Duncard: [ applauds ]
Bruce: Whatever, just explain yourself and give me one reason I shouldn't kill you right here right now.
Ra's Al Duncard: Your antics at the asylum has forced my hand.
Bruce: To do what? ..Tell me it doesn't involve that cane.
Ra's Al Duncard: ...You have a very dirty mind Bruce.
Bruce: ..Crane was working for you?
Ra's Al Duncard: You'd think I'd mention him if he wasn't? He was able to turn those blue flowers into weaponized hallucinogen.
Bruce: Is Crane a member of the League of Shadows?
Ra's Al Duncard: Are you mad, Wayne? Does Crane look like he belongs to the League of Shadows? Have you seen him? I beat up men like him before breakfast. [ Goes back into speech mode, Speech ends with Ninja's lighting the place on fire ]
Bruce: ..I have GOT to get better security. Who the fuck let the ninjas with torches in?
Bruce: [ beats the shit out of the Ninjas then moves on to Ra's Al Duncard and they have a fight ]
Ra's Al Duncard: Are you paying attention? Look at the ceiling!
Bruce: ..Huh? [ looks up ] Oh shit. [ Flaming beams fall on him, and he...just..lays..there. ]
Ra's Al Duncard: [ dips cane in ink and draws on Bruce's face ] Justice is balance. You burned down my house and left me for my wife, YOU SKANK WHORE! I KILL YOU!
Bruce: What? You're wife is dead...
Ra's Al Duncard: Oh, yeah. Sorry; vengeance has clouded my mind. Let's start all over again: Justice is balance. You burned down my house and left me for dead – did I get that right?
Bruce: [ Nod ]
Ra's Al Duncard: Good. Consider us even.
Bruce: I didn't leave you for DEAD, asshole! I saved your ass. Me! Me! I saved your ass! Not the old guy from the prison! ME! And this is how you repay me? By letting me die when I HAD SAVED YOUR ASS? If I had known that was your house, I wouldn't have burned it down! I swear! I swear!
Ra's Al Duncard: Poor Baby, the smokes getting to your head.
CAMERA SHOWS CRANE'S CROTCH REGION ON HIS STRAIGHTJACKET
Girls in Audience: I LOVE THIS MOVIE.
Guard: Time to Play.
Crane: MASK! MY BABY.
Girls In Audience: WHO HELPS CILLIAN GET OUT OF HIS STRAIGHTJACKET? I WANT THAT JOB
Rachel: Oh man.. What a night. That's the last time I mix crystalmeth with vodka. [ sees vials ] OH DAMN IT WAS REAL. .
Flass: [ Just stands there ]
Gorden: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? CATCH THEM!
Flass: You're asking me to go after hundreds of rapists and murderers? You're out of your mind.
Gorden: [ stuffs middle finger up Flass' nose then calls for backup and while he's at it. He removes the bridge ]
Alfred: [ comes to the rescue with a golf club ]
Bruce: ALFRED THIS IS NO TIME FOR GOLF!
Alfred: [ brings him to safety ]
Bruce: Oh man, I lost.
Alfred: Why do we fall?
Bruce: What the heck are you talking about, old man?
Alfred: To pick ourselves up.
Bruce: ...No, we fall cause we can't walk in those shoes.
Rachel: I need to pass nowplz.
Cop#93: Bridge is closed nobody goes though.
Rachel: It's important!
Cop #93: NO. YOU CAN'T PASS BECAUSE.
Rachel: Fine, tell me where Gordon is.
Flass: [ beats crap out of escaped inmate ]
Inmate: POLICE BRUTALITY! POLICE BRUTALITY!
Gorden: Flass cut it out or you're getting another finger stoved up you're nose!
Cop #93: Here. [ hands Rachel to Gorden ]
Gordon: ...?
Rachel: Uh.. Hi. Right. [ hands vials ] One's for you and the other is for mass production.
Gorden: Who are they from?
Rachel: A friend.
Gorden: What friend?
Rachel: A FRIEND.
Gorden: I'M NOT INJECTING MYSELF WITH GLOWING BLUE LIQUID UNLESS IN KNOW WHO IT'S FROM.
Rachel: Batman.
Gorden: Oh okay then, Why didn't you say so? [ injects ]
Boy from Before: I can't find my mommy.
SWAT Member: I don't care.
Rachel: Hey! What do you think you are doing?
SWAT Member: Helping a guy destroy the city. What's it look like?
Rachel: ...
Ra's Al Duncard: [ Comes off train ]
Rachel: Hellloooo nurse.
Ra's Al Duncard: Hey kids! The word of the day is.. Panic. So spread it around!
Water Company Officers: OH DAMN. THIS CAN'T BE GOOD.
Gotham: [ Is drugged ]
Flass: [ sees freaky zombie children, and goes to shoot them ]
Children: [ see freaky zombie Flass. ]
Gorden: What the hell are you up to Flass! [ knocks him out and handcuffs Flass to a pole... thus removing his defense and escape so he can get eaten by the freaky zombie children ]
Rachel: It's okay little tramatized boy, Nobody is gunna hurt you.
Voice: Yes they are.
Rachel: Shit.
Masked Crane: [ rides in on a fire breathing horse, to cheesy medieval music. ]
Rachel: ...Crane?
Crazy Masked Crane: NOO CRANE IS NOT HERE DAMNIT! SCARECROW IS!
Rachel: Whatever nutso. [ runs ]
Boy: [ scream, cry, spaz, dies ]
Crazy Masked Crane: YOU CANNOT OUTRUN ME ON MY NIGHTMAREISH STEED OF DOOM.
Rachel: Don't worry little boy I'll protect you!
Boy: I'm doomed.
Crazy Masked Crane: There you are.
Rachel: AHH GO AWAY.
Crazy Masked Crane: Nah, I think I'll hang out a bit. How 'bout a tea party. YEAH, We could invite Batman and the three of us could have tea together while the boy eats icecream. You can ride my horse. Lemmie help you up-
Rachel: AHH. [ Whips out Tazer and eletrocutes him in the face ]
Girls in Audience: OMG NO! POOR CILLLAN! I HATE YOU RACHEL!
Guys in Audience: YAY! GO RACHEL!
Crazy Masked Crane: FUCK YOU, RACHEL DAWES, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU SO BAD! ALL I WANTED WAS SOME TEA! [ screams in pain as the horse drags him off ]
Boy: WHAT THE CRAP LADY! HE WAS GUNNA GIVE ME ICECREAM.
Rachel: .. ...abba..wibba.
Gorden: [ Is screwed. ]
Batman: Okay so here's the rundown the Giant Microwave on the train is-
Gorden: What makes you think I don't know this already?
Batman: Uh..Right. Can you drive stick? [ Holds up keys to Tumbler ]
Gorden: OMG YES I CAN! [ yoinks keys and hops in the tank ] HUZZAH!
: Quit ruining people's lives with that Tazer will you?
Batman: [ scares off loonies ]
Rachel: Thanks!
Batman: Whatever. Bye. I got to go find Ra's Al Duncard now.
Rachel: Wait! You could die out there!
Batman: No shit, Sherlock. You think I don't know that?
Rachel: Tell me your name.
Batman: Screw you. Who I am on the inside doesn't matter. It's what I do that defines me.
Rachel: OMGWADWTFBRUCEWAYNEISBATMAN?
Boy: What are you, new?
Gotham: [ Become an angry mob and go to huntdown Batman ] Take out the pitchforks! Light the planks of wood! We must burn the creature! Burn! Buuuuuurn!
Batman: Stop it Ra's. There is no need for further bloodshed.
Ra's Al Duncard: I guess you're right... NOT. [ starts to fight with his cane, which is a sword ]
[ Cue Ra's and Batman fight #4, during which, the breaks of the train break. ]
Batman: YOU BROKE THE BREAKS.
Ra's Al Duncard: HAHA YOU SUCK. That's why you can't stop the train!
Batman: ...Who said I was gunna stop it?
Ra's Al Duncard: Oh...
Gorden: [ Figures out how to shoot missles out of the car ] :D
Batman: OH HAVE THE TABLES HAVE TURNED RA'S!
Ra's Al Duncard: YEE. So now you're gunna kill me right?
Batman: OF COURSE NOT. But.. I'm not gunna save you.
Ra's Al Duncard: How dare you? After all I've done for you! I loved you, Bruce, I loved you like you were my own brother! YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!
Batman: Later dude! [ flys off the train ]
Ra's Al Duncard: [ maybe dies ]
Secretary: You are SOOO, late for the meeting.
Man-Who-Has-Taken-Over-Wayne-Enterprises-Now-That-Papa-Wayne-Is-Dead: MEETING?
Fox: [ hands out random papers ]
Man-Who-Has-Taken-Over-Wayne-Enterprises-Now-That-Papa-Wayne-Is-Dead: WHAT THE CRAP FOX? YOU'RE FIRED.
Fox: Yeah but now I have your job. Didn't you get the memo?
Man-Who-Has-Taken-Over-Wayne-Enterprises-Now-That-Papa-Wayne-Is-Dead: GET BRUCE ON THE PHONE NOW OR I'M GOING TO HAVE TO SHOOT SOMEBODY.
Bruce: [ on Phone ] Yo, Bruce speaking. Who's this?
Man-Who-Has-Taken-Over-Wayne-Enterprises-Now-That-Papa-Wayne-Is-Dead: WHO LET YOU RE-HIRE FOX?
Bruce: I own the company you twit.
Man-Who-Has-Taken-Over-Wayne-Enterprises-Now-That-Papa-Wayne-Is-Dead: [ Explodes ]
Alfred: You read the paper?
Bruce: No..
Alfred: Batman made front page.
Bruce: RIGHT ON!
Alfred: Bruce made page eight... [ shows headline which reads "DRUNKEN BILLIONAIRE BURNS HOUSE DOWN" ]
Bruce: ...So? Batman made front page! WOO PARTY!
Bruce: [ being a repairman. he's greeted by Rachel ]
Audience: OMG WHAT RACHEL HAS FOUR NIPPLES?
Rachel: Bruce, I'm sorry for being a bitch and a hoe.
Bruce: That 'aight. You're forgiven.
Rachel: [ KISS ]
Bruce: ...
Rachel: ...
Bruce: You suck at kissing.
Rachel: [ :( ]
Alfred: So. what now?
Bruce: Uh.. Rebuild the house..
Alfred: The same?
Bruce: Nu.. We need to build a bigger batcave..
Alfred: Right on.
Gorden: [ finished Batsignal ] :) A work of art.
Batman: Nice. But..I think Falcone made a better one.
Gorden: Yeah but it's against the law to strap people to lights.
Batman: That sucks.
Gorden: The Inmates and Crane are still missing.
Batman: Darn, Crane's in the sequel then isn't he?
Gorden: Yup.
Girls in Audience: YAY! SQEEE YEE.
Guys in Audience: SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR WHAT THEY ARE SAYING!
Gorden: -Like this guy.
Guys in Audience: GREAT NOW WE MISSED IMPORTANT LINES.
Gorden: … armed robbery, double homicide, kills puppies, hides remotes. Really sick shit. [ gives Batman joker card ] Leaves a calling card
Batman: THE JOKER? GOD DAMNIT I JUST STARTED I'M NOT READY FOR HIM YET.
Gorden: ...Who?
Batman: Uh.. I mean.. I'll look into it.
Gorden: Should I say thank you?
Batman: No unless you want to die...
Gorden: Oh... okay then. See you later.
FIN.