I can feel him starting to take over again. Once again the memories flood my mind...
Memories consume, like opening a wound, I'm picking me apart again
I haven't allowed him to take over for months. So everyone thinks he is gone...but he's not.
You all assume, I'm safe here in my room, unless I try and start again
It is becoming hard not to let him take over, what, with all, the fights people pick with me so much...
I don't want to be the one the battles always choose
And I don't know how to deal with it
Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused
Why should I fight anyways? It is not like I have anything to gain by it.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Sometimes I just wanna yell, I wanna kick and scream...but I cant without him coming out.
Or why I have to scream
Although even without him taking over I still manage to get people upset by saying things I don't mean too.
I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean
I cant help but wonder what happened... how he came to be inside of me. And why he always hurts people...
I don't know how I got this way, I know its not alright
All I know is that I want it all to stop...
So I'm breaking the habit
I want to stop...
Breaking the habit
But how?
Tonight
I have an idea...I pick up a knife.
Clutching my cure
I go up to my room and close the door, locking it in the process.
I tightly lock the door
I start breathing hard as he tries again and again to come out. But I must control him...I must not let him hurt anyone else.
I try to catch my breath again
I was upset still because earlier I heard some girls from Kisa's school talking very badly, behind her back.
I heard much more, then anytime before
I got very angry and he tried to come out. But I wouldn't let him. I had to run away to my house, and get away from the source of my anger. I am running out of ideas as to how to keep him restrained...
I had no options left again
Why does this happen to me? What did I do?
I don't want to be the one, the battles always choose
My head is beginning to ache and I am getting dizzy.
Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused
I can feel him trying to take over... take advantage to my temporary vulnerability. But... why fight him any longer? Why does it matter anyways...
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Because I don't want to hurt anyone else.
Or why I have to scream
I don't know what happened to spawn this evil being.
I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean
But I will stop him.
I don't know how I got this way
I grip the knife tightly within my sweaty palm, sweat begins to collect on my forehead when I think of what I am about to do.
I'll never be alright
I will end it all.
So I'm breaking the habit,
I'm breaking the habit,
breaking the habit, tonight
I will let no more innocent blood be spilled on my account.
I'll paint it on the walls
It is all because of me, all the pain. All the suffering.
Cause I'm the one at fault
But if there was no me... If I ceased to exist any longer... would everyone be happier?
I'll never fight again
I raise up the knife.
And this is how it ends
I don't know why I wanted to fight so much...why he wanted to fight so much. But I also didn't know what to fight for...which is why I fought about everything.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
But it doesn't matter now... Now that it will all be over....soon.
Or why I have to scream
I hate him so much. Though he is a part of me... A part of my soul, just one more reason to be mad at myself. If we are one, then I will do to myself what I so long to do to him.
But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean
I still don't know what spawned him and I have no desire to know.
I don't know how I got this way
I position the knife on my chest, right in front of my heart and take a deep breath.
I'll never be alright
I will kill this monster... I will!
So I'm breaking the habit
I bury the knife deep within my heart. I hear him scream, and curse...
I'm breaking the habit
I grin as I feel the intense the pain. I cry out and fall to the ground. I see blood...everywhere. It is my blood. I grab a piece of paper lying near me and write something down with my blood.
I'm breaking the habit
Everything is fading. It is finally over, the never ending struggle. This nightmare I called a life. He is dead...and so am I.
Tonight
Ja ne Meena
-Haru