I laid on his bare chest, his left arm around my waist, his right hand combing through my hair. His eyes were closed, not sleeping, but still looking so beautifully peaceful. We were on his cot in his room and no matter how much I bitched about it, this was my home now, and I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.
We just finished making love and I loved that he didn't rush for another round right after. We would just lay here and breathe and enjoy each other's company and hope the moment could last forever.
My baby was next to me, I finally had a family who cared about me (despite what Eric often said…) and I felt safe. Life should be perfect. But it doesn't feel that good right now.
It did yesterday, and this morning. Now, I love my boyfriend more than anything, but I can't help but blame him for this sudden change.
Steven really has matured since we got together, he says he loves me, he takes care of me, he's all I could ever ask for, when we're alone of course. In front of his friends, he's the same zen, angry, government hating ass that I fell in love with.
Which I don't mind, I don't want him to lose himself, but sometimes I wonder if he's putting up an act around me.
Today he decided to declare to the entire world that Brooke was hot. And I'm not an idiot, yes, she's pretty, but do you I want my boyfriend thinking that? Hell no!
Then he had the nerve to call me insecure. Now I'm not mad that he said it, I'm mad that he's right.
Of course I'm insecure. I'll never be enough for him and it kills me to know he could leave any day and not have a care in the world. I need him, more than I've needed anyone in my whole life.
I don't know what I'd do if he left me.
The tears start to well up and I struggle to keep them in, but it's not long before they all fall. Slowly and silently the tears fell, and it wasn't until a few slid off my cheek and hit Steven's arm that he noticed.
He looked at his arm confused, then to me and his eyes got wide. He sat up with me in his lap and held me tight against his chest.
"What's wrong, doll? Did I hurt you before?" he asked worriedly, slowly rocking me back and forth. I just shook my head. The tears were coming heavier now and I couldn't see a thing and it burned to open my eyes, but all I needed was to see his face.
He pulled me in tighter and cradled my head to his chest, he kissed my forehead and leaned his head on the top of mine.
It was silent for the next few minutes, except for the sound of my frantic breathing. When the tears finally slowed, I pulled back only far enough to wipe the moisture from my face.
He took the opportunity to kiss my forehead again, and grabbed of my hands in one of his, entwining our fingers.
"Talk to me, doll. What happened?" he pleaded and I knew I had to tell him of my jealousy or nothing would get better.
"It hurt, Steven. A lot." My voice for hoarse from crying.
"God, Jacks, you gotta tell me if I'm hurting you! I'm so sorry, next time we have sex just say when I-"
"I'm not talking about physically, babe." I cut him off. "Emotionally," I muttered, hoping he wouldn't here.
Realization awakened in his eyes. I knew he knew just by looking at his face. Shock, pain, and regret coated his beautiful face. As did annoyance, which stabbed at my heart.
He sighed and kissed my temple, before speaking. "Jackie, I'm going to say this and I really want you to listen, okay? Yes. I said she was hot. But it doesn't mean anything. I'm with you and you're the only one I'll want to be with." He put his finger under my chin and tilted my head up so he could see my eyes. "Okay?"
His words were sincere, but my fear of losing him overpowered my ability to believe. More tears welled up but I pushed them back.
"Maybe I should go…" I whispered and made my way to get up. He grasped me tighter and his eyes were full of sorrow.
"Don't go, doll." He whispered.
"Steven if I'm so insecure that you need to go around hitting on other girls, then maybe this won't work out…" a tear fell as I said it, but I quickly wiped it away.
"Damn Jackie, don't say that!" worry flashed in his eyes and I instantly felt bad, but he'll never understand how much that hurt. "Why can't you see that you're the only one that means anything to me?"
I snapped. "Because, Steven! Do you not realize how morbidly insecure I am? And that I hide it all by being a bitch? Do you have any idea how terrified I am of losing you? My life would be over, Steven." I said sharply.
He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me tight against him, with his mouth hot on mine. Our lips moved together effortlessly. He shoved his tongue into my mouth and massaged his with mine.
When he pulled away, he rested his forehead against mine. "Jacks, I'm so sorry for making you cry, you know it kills me when you do. But don't you ever worry about losing me, doll. Okay? I'm not going anywhere." He kissed my nose, and pulled me in for a hug.
"I want to believe you, Steven I do, but I just can't." I whispered in his ear.
He just smirked.
His lips went to mine and he roughly kissed, and I kissed him back just as hard.
"You're so hot, Jackie." He muttered against my lips. "So hot…" his lips trailed down to my jaw. "And beyond beautiful…" he moved down to my neck and growled, "And so fucking sexy…" he assaulted my neck with kisses and nipped roughly at the skin.
My head fell back and a moan escaped my lips. He detached his lips from my neck much to my dismay. He chuckled at my pout and kissed my lips quickly.
"I love you, doll." He whispered, kissing my nose, "Please believe it."
I looked into his eyes and saw the man I fell in love with. Not the man who calls other girls hot in front of his girlfriend. But the sweet, loving man who would do anything to protect me.
"I do." I said, a smile finally spreading across my face.
He smiled and pulled me in for another kiss. And I knew everything would be alright.
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