This is based on the Clerks cartoon series that was cancelled.
So I'm also trying to tone down the swearing in this one, but its still
a good fic. Incase you don't remember, since they only showed two
episodes, at the start of every episode someone calls Dante, usually
his boss telling him to come into work, and then they show the theme
song. Okay, well here it is.
(Scene- Exterior Dante Hick's house. Interior, Dante's room.
A pile of dirty clothes, with a phone next to them. The phone starts
ringing, and after one ring a hand sticks out of the pile and reaches
for the phone, trying to grab it, until he finally gets it and presses
'talk.')
DANTE: (groggily, from under the clothes.) Hello?
(Cut to split screen, Randal Graves on the other side.)
RANDAL: Whhhhhhhaaaaaaasssssssuuuuuuuuppppppp???????!!!!!!!
DANTE: (hangs up the phone.)
(Theme song.)
(Scene- Exterior Quick Stop. Interior Quick Stop, Dante is
behind the counter and Randal is sitting on it, looking at a magazine
Lennon's Grave [Dante's black cat] is in his litter box behind them.)
RANDAL: Hey Dante, hand me a lottery ticket.
DANTE: What?!
RANDAL: Hey Dante, hand me a--
DANTE: I heard you! I can't just *give* you a lottery ticket!
RANDAL: Aw, come one, yeah you can. You give me food.
DANTE: No, you *take* food! Besides, if I just *gave* you lottery
tickets you could take them until you picked the winning number!
RANDAL: Oh, come on, just give me one. Today's my birthday.
DANTE: Your birthday's not for another five months!
(The door opens and Jay & Silent Bob walk in.)
JAY: Hey, whasup, cock smokers?
DANTE: Hey, Jay.
JAY: Me an Silent Bob here are renting some movies tonight, and we're
just pickin up some food.
DANTE: Whatever.
(Jay & SB walk back into the aisles.)
RANDAL: Come on, Dante, don't be such a Jeebeeteearrer.
DANTE: What?!
RANDAL: Huh?
DANTE: (grabs a ticket and throws it to him) Here, just take it!
RANDAL: Oh yeah. (srites down the numbers on it.)
(Jay & SB walk up with a bunch of bags of chips and stuff.)
DANTE: Randal, can you get them, I'm gonna empty Lenon's-Tomb's litter
box.
(Dante cleans the litter box in the background as Randal puts
their stuff in bags and puts the money in the cash register.)
DANTE: Thanks.
RANDAL: Alright, turn the monitor on so we can see what the winning
numbers are.
DANTE: They're not on for another two hours!
RANDAL: Come on, we got nothing else to do.
DANTE: Fine! (presses some buttons on the monitor.) You know we're
supposed to use this for the security cameras, Randal.
RANDAL: Hey, you should be thankful I hooked up that illegal cable for
you.
DANTE: Randal we don't even get cable! This is just illegal 3 channel
viewing!
RANDAL: Shh! We might miss the numbers!
DANTE: We have two more hours!
(Screen says "TWO HOURS LATER")
(Dante and Randal are in the same exact position.)
DANTE: Can I talk yet?
RANDAL: Shh!
VOICE ON TV: And the winning numbers are: 0,5,2,7,8,5!
RANDAL: Those are my numbers!
DANTE: Yeah right.
RANDAL: No, really, those are my numbers! See! (reaches into his left
pocket. Doesn't find it. A puzzled look comes on his face. Reaches
deeper, but doesn't find it.)
DANTE: Don't tell me you lost it.
RANDAL: No, no- (still fumbling in his pocket) One..... minute........
(pulls his hand out, empty.) Nooooooooo! I lost it! Alright! Alright!
Calm down! Lets just retrace our steps!
DANTE: You didn't leave the counter!
RANDAL: Oooh!
DANTE: What? Do you know where it is?!
RANDAL: Oooh- no! I must've put it in Jay & Silent Bob's bag with all
their food!
DANTE: You are-- oh my God! You-- how could you-- you--
RANDAL: Wait a minute, man! Calm down. We can get it back.
DANTE: Wha?
RANDAL: I know where Jay & Silent Bob's apartment is! We can go there
and get the lotto ticket back.
DANTE: I don't think Jay would just *give* us back a winning lotto
ticket.
RANDAL: They're not home.
DANTE: How do you know?
RANDAL: They said they're renting movies tonight. They obviously didn't
go to the RST, cause it's locked up. And the only other video store is
on the other side of town. Jay or Silent don't have a car so they
must've walked, which would take them a while. Plus, if they do the
same thing they do when they come to RST, then they sit there staring
at the pornos for quite a while. They wont be home yet.
DANTE: So you're saying we just break into their apartment?
RANDAL: Come on! We have a winning lottery ticket in there!
DANTE: Randal, breaking an entry is *illegal*!
RANDAL: So what?! We can pay our bail when we win the lottery!
DANTE: Randal-
RANDAL: Come on!
DANTE: Okay, fine!!
(Scene- Inside Jay & Silent Bob's apartment. There's a torn
apart couch, a small coffee table with porn mags all over it, and a
TV with duct-taped antenaes in the living room. Suddenly, the door
flies open, and Dante and Randal are standing there, Randal's foot
raised in the air, he just kicked the door open.)
DANTE: The door was unlocked.
RANDAL: Whatever. (they walk in and shut the door behind them.)
DANTE: Okay, let's just find the ticket and get out of here.
RANDAL: I'll check the basement!
DANTE: This is an apartment! There is no basement!
RANDAL: Then my work is done!
DANTE: Come on, lets just find it.
("Mission: Impossible" theme plays as they search.)
(doorbell rings, and the music stops as they stop looking.)
(They pause.)
RANDAL: It's them!
DANTE: It's not them!
RANDAL: How do you know?
DANTE: Why would they ring their own doorbell?!
(Randal walks up to open the door)
DANTE: (hisses:) What are you doing?!
RANDAL: (opens the door. Three people [two guys and a girl] are
standing there) Hello?
GUY #1: Jay?
RANDAL: Uh- yeah, this is Jay............. snooch.
GUY #1: Well. Where is it?
RANDAL: Uh-- where is what?.......... nooch.
GUY #1: Don't play stupid, you know what we're talking about.
RANDAL: Uh...... yeah.... it's uh- it's-- (slams door in his face.)
DANTE: What'd you do that for?!
RANDAL: (turns around and starts looking. After a couple seconds, he
pulls it up.) I found it!
VOICE: (off screen) Found what?
(Jay & Silent Bob walk onscreen. [Jay was the voice])
RANDAL: Uhhh.....
DANTE: Listen- Jay- Randal accidentally put his winning lottery ticket
in your bag, and *he* insisted we should come here and get it back.
JAY: 0,5,2,7,8,5?
RANDAL: Oh.
DANTE: What?!
RANDAL: Whoops. That was my *e-mail* password. I wrote down a
completely different number on my lottery ticket.
DANTE: You *what*?! We went through all this trouble and it wasn't
even the winner! How could you--
JAY: Yo, chill out, man, quit being such a Jeebeeteearrer!
THE END
Okay, I hope you guys liked it! Please review it!
So I'm also trying to tone down the swearing in this one, but its still
a good fic. Incase you don't remember, since they only showed two
episodes, at the start of every episode someone calls Dante, usually
his boss telling him to come into work, and then they show the theme
song. Okay, well here it is.
(Scene- Exterior Dante Hick's house. Interior, Dante's room.
A pile of dirty clothes, with a phone next to them. The phone starts
ringing, and after one ring a hand sticks out of the pile and reaches
for the phone, trying to grab it, until he finally gets it and presses
'talk.')
DANTE: (groggily, from under the clothes.) Hello?
(Cut to split screen, Randal Graves on the other side.)
RANDAL: Whhhhhhhaaaaaaasssssssuuuuuuuuppppppp???????!!!!!!!
DANTE: (hangs up the phone.)
(Theme song.)
(Scene- Exterior Quick Stop. Interior Quick Stop, Dante is
behind the counter and Randal is sitting on it, looking at a magazine
Lennon's Grave [Dante's black cat] is in his litter box behind them.)
RANDAL: Hey Dante, hand me a lottery ticket.
DANTE: What?!
RANDAL: Hey Dante, hand me a--
DANTE: I heard you! I can't just *give* you a lottery ticket!
RANDAL: Aw, come one, yeah you can. You give me food.
DANTE: No, you *take* food! Besides, if I just *gave* you lottery
tickets you could take them until you picked the winning number!
RANDAL: Oh, come on, just give me one. Today's my birthday.
DANTE: Your birthday's not for another five months!
(The door opens and Jay & Silent Bob walk in.)
JAY: Hey, whasup, cock smokers?
DANTE: Hey, Jay.
JAY: Me an Silent Bob here are renting some movies tonight, and we're
just pickin up some food.
DANTE: Whatever.
(Jay & SB walk back into the aisles.)
RANDAL: Come on, Dante, don't be such a Jeebeeteearrer.
DANTE: What?!
RANDAL: Huh?
DANTE: (grabs a ticket and throws it to him) Here, just take it!
RANDAL: Oh yeah. (srites down the numbers on it.)
(Jay & SB walk up with a bunch of bags of chips and stuff.)
DANTE: Randal, can you get them, I'm gonna empty Lenon's-Tomb's litter
box.
(Dante cleans the litter box in the background as Randal puts
their stuff in bags and puts the money in the cash register.)
DANTE: Thanks.
RANDAL: Alright, turn the monitor on so we can see what the winning
numbers are.
DANTE: They're not on for another two hours!
RANDAL: Come on, we got nothing else to do.
DANTE: Fine! (presses some buttons on the monitor.) You know we're
supposed to use this for the security cameras, Randal.
RANDAL: Hey, you should be thankful I hooked up that illegal cable for
you.
DANTE: Randal we don't even get cable! This is just illegal 3 channel
viewing!
RANDAL: Shh! We might miss the numbers!
DANTE: We have two more hours!
(Screen says "TWO HOURS LATER")
(Dante and Randal are in the same exact position.)
DANTE: Can I talk yet?
RANDAL: Shh!
VOICE ON TV: And the winning numbers are: 0,5,2,7,8,5!
RANDAL: Those are my numbers!
DANTE: Yeah right.
RANDAL: No, really, those are my numbers! See! (reaches into his left
pocket. Doesn't find it. A puzzled look comes on his face. Reaches
deeper, but doesn't find it.)
DANTE: Don't tell me you lost it.
RANDAL: No, no- (still fumbling in his pocket) One..... minute........
(pulls his hand out, empty.) Nooooooooo! I lost it! Alright! Alright!
Calm down! Lets just retrace our steps!
DANTE: You didn't leave the counter!
RANDAL: Oooh!
DANTE: What? Do you know where it is?!
RANDAL: Oooh- no! I must've put it in Jay & Silent Bob's bag with all
their food!
DANTE: You are-- oh my God! You-- how could you-- you--
RANDAL: Wait a minute, man! Calm down. We can get it back.
DANTE: Wha?
RANDAL: I know where Jay & Silent Bob's apartment is! We can go there
and get the lotto ticket back.
DANTE: I don't think Jay would just *give* us back a winning lotto
ticket.
RANDAL: They're not home.
DANTE: How do you know?
RANDAL: They said they're renting movies tonight. They obviously didn't
go to the RST, cause it's locked up. And the only other video store is
on the other side of town. Jay or Silent don't have a car so they
must've walked, which would take them a while. Plus, if they do the
same thing they do when they come to RST, then they sit there staring
at the pornos for quite a while. They wont be home yet.
DANTE: So you're saying we just break into their apartment?
RANDAL: Come on! We have a winning lottery ticket in there!
DANTE: Randal, breaking an entry is *illegal*!
RANDAL: So what?! We can pay our bail when we win the lottery!
DANTE: Randal-
RANDAL: Come on!
DANTE: Okay, fine!!
(Scene- Inside Jay & Silent Bob's apartment. There's a torn
apart couch, a small coffee table with porn mags all over it, and a
TV with duct-taped antenaes in the living room. Suddenly, the door
flies open, and Dante and Randal are standing there, Randal's foot
raised in the air, he just kicked the door open.)
DANTE: The door was unlocked.
RANDAL: Whatever. (they walk in and shut the door behind them.)
DANTE: Okay, let's just find the ticket and get out of here.
RANDAL: I'll check the basement!
DANTE: This is an apartment! There is no basement!
RANDAL: Then my work is done!
DANTE: Come on, lets just find it.
("Mission: Impossible" theme plays as they search.)
(doorbell rings, and the music stops as they stop looking.)
(They pause.)
RANDAL: It's them!
DANTE: It's not them!
RANDAL: How do you know?
DANTE: Why would they ring their own doorbell?!
(Randal walks up to open the door)
DANTE: (hisses:) What are you doing?!
RANDAL: (opens the door. Three people [two guys and a girl] are
standing there) Hello?
GUY #1: Jay?
RANDAL: Uh- yeah, this is Jay............. snooch.
GUY #1: Well. Where is it?
RANDAL: Uh-- where is what?.......... nooch.
GUY #1: Don't play stupid, you know what we're talking about.
RANDAL: Uh...... yeah.... it's uh- it's-- (slams door in his face.)
DANTE: What'd you do that for?!
RANDAL: (turns around and starts looking. After a couple seconds, he
pulls it up.) I found it!
VOICE: (off screen) Found what?
(Jay & Silent Bob walk onscreen. [Jay was the voice])
RANDAL: Uhhh.....
DANTE: Listen- Jay- Randal accidentally put his winning lottery ticket
in your bag, and *he* insisted we should come here and get it back.
JAY: 0,5,2,7,8,5?
RANDAL: Oh.
DANTE: What?!
RANDAL: Whoops. That was my *e-mail* password. I wrote down a
completely different number on my lottery ticket.
DANTE: You *what*?! We went through all this trouble and it wasn't
even the winner! How could you--
JAY: Yo, chill out, man, quit being such a Jeebeeteearrer!
THE END
Okay, I hope you guys liked it! Please review it!