Here I am, slightly drunk, and writing this story because I felt like it. And I was watching Team America: World Police. And also because I'm mad that I didn't finish this story in time for Fourth Of July, so I have to publish this before I turn in my freedom card and my guns out of shame.

JAUNE

"Dang it..." Jaune was running out of aura, and he still hadn't won his match against Cardin.

"Geez P-Money, Jaune is still having a hard time against Cardin, its almost like he's Jaune's Kryptonite." Nora said as Pyrrha gave her a confused look.

"What the hell is kryptonite?" She asked her friend.

"Oh wait, thats right, we're a web series, never mind!" Nora said to herself as she had a day dream about running around with Ren and a guy in red and black suit who was crazy and broke the fourth wall.

"Still doesn't change the fact that he's losing." Weiss said as she felt slight disgust.

How could someone trained by Pyrrha Nikos be this bad in a fight? She knew Jaune was training with Pyrrha, after all, she had secretly been watching them train on the roof at night, hoping that Pyrrha would let her join. Not that she had a crazy fan girl obsession with the mistralian champion or anything. She just wanted to know what it was like to train with the Champ. The fact that she keeps a picture of Pyrrha on the Pumpkins's pete box under her pillow had absolutely nothing to do with obsession of any kind.

"Come on, maybe something cool will happen." Ruby said as Weiss scoffed.

"I doubt it, he's about finished." Weiss said as Jaune was out of breath.

"Come on! I can't lose to Cardin again, Pyrrha has trained me so hard, even at her own expense, I can't afford to be weak now...there must be something I can do!" Jaune thought to himself as Cardin was preparing his mace for the final blow.

"Looks like you lose again Jauney Boy." Cardin said with that cocky smirk.

"Maybe I'll take your sword as a souvenir." He said as he swung his mace back.

"You can take my sword, when you pry it from my COLD DEAD HANDS!" He yelled as Cardin scoffed.

"That can be arranged." He said as he swung at Jaune.

"Crap! This can't be it! What do I do...what do I...hey whats that?" He thought as he saw something perched on the window.

"Its...Its beautiful." Jaune said as he took notice.

There was an eagle, but not just an eagle, an eagle with a white head, with piercing eyes that told you that if you messed with it, it would FUCK YOU UP! Jaune could feel the power radiating off of it. Its majestic caws reaching his ears, and they sounded like sweet honey to him. Almost as if everything was right in the world. And suddenly Jaune felt a connection to the Eagle. A craving to get to know the eagle. Suddenly, the Eagle's eyes widened and it gave off another caw as it flew towards him at break neck speeds.

"You're dead now Jauney boy!" Cardin yelled as the mace was about to connect with his head.

Only for the eagle to fly into Jaune, and a large flash of light to suddenly engulf the entire arena. Cardin was blown back and blinded by the sheerforce.

"What the hell is that noise?!" Professor Goodwitch yelled as she was covering her eyes, the light being too glorious and powerful for even her experienced eyes to comprehend.

"O Say can you see..." They heard a wonderful song start to be played as the light started to die down.

"By the dawn's early light..." The song brought warmth to everyone's hearts, as the tune invoked in them a feeling of freedom.

The light died down to reveal Jaune...Only he wasn't Jaune.

Jaune's once scraggly hair was not cut down to a buzz cut, his armor had been replaced by a tank top with the picture of an elderly man on it wearing a life preserver while riding a shark through the air while firing two revolvers into the air like a bad ass. (1) His jeans had been replaced by tiger stripe camouflage that looked like it was meant to blend it to heavy woodland areas. His sneakers had been replaced by black jungle boots. If that wasn't enough, he also had a bandana wrapped around his head that had a pattern of stars and stripes. But what really caught everyone's attention was what was in his hands.

In one hand he held a BIG ASS MACHINE GUN, it looked to be attached to a belt of bullets which were going to do a lot more than hurt his opponent, it would straight up tear him a new asshole (2). In his other hand, he held what appeared to be a regular revolver, but what they didn't know was that this was a 44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world. In other words, in a few seconds, Cardin would have to ask himself a very simple question.

"Do you feel lucky?" Jaune asked as Cardin looked confued.

"Uh what?" He asked as Jaune's eyes lit up with the power of freedom.

"Well...DO YA PUNK?!" He yelled as he suddenly opened fire at Cardin.

"Oh shit!" He yelled as he ran away screaming like a little girl.

"YAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!" Jaune yelled out as he was firing every single bullet he had out of his big ass machine gun.

Meanwhile, everyone else was wondering what the hell was going on? First Jaune was losing. Now he was toying with cardin as he unloaded load after load into his ass. Pyrrha was at a loss for words, all she knew was that she was gripping the railing so tight, that she was starting to bend it. She didn't know why, but she had a sudden urge to run down there and mount Jaune and ride him until he died. Ren for some reason felt a sudden urge to punch a filthy commie bastard in the face. And he didn't even know what a commie was. Nora was completely unaffected as she knew this was going to happen.

"FUCK YEAH MERICA!" Jaune yelled out as he fired his 44 at Cardin.

"PROFESSOR! I QUIT!" Cardin yelled out as Goodwitch tried to call the match.

"SHUT YOUR COMMIE MOUTH!" Jaune yelled as Goodwitch was stunned into silence.

"What the hell is going on? Why is Jaune suddenly so brave, so amazing, and so hot...wait! did I really just think that! Oh god what is happening to me!" Goodwitch thought as Jaune flashed her a grin.

Only for the power of Freedom to completely overwhelm her and she ended up fainting. NOW THAT, was something nobody saw happen.

"PLEASE STOP! I SURRENDER!" Cardin yelled out as Jaune closed in on him.

"THIS AIN'T FRANCE!" Jaune yelled as Cardin's aura was running low.

Cardin resigned himself to his fate, he had already taken quite a pounding from Jaune's giant gun, and while his armor was enough protection to prevent him from taking any permanent damage, he was certain that he wasn't going to be able to walk properly in the morning, that is if he didn't die today. So he just started crying to himself as he couldn't believe this was how he was going to die.

But then...Jaune froze. He gained a look of horror on his face. And he looked up to the sky with a sense of right and wrong fueling his desires.

"I must go! My fellow Americans need me!" He yelled as Pyrrha tried to speak to him.

"But Jaune! Who are the Americ-" Suddenly Jaune sprouted Eagle wings and took off into the skies.

"HOLY SHIT! WHERE CAN I LEARN TO DO THAT?!" Everyone turned to look towards who made the noise.

Only to see that shockingly, Professor Ozpin had come out to see the latest matches, and they saw him admiring Jaune from a distance.

"What? Eagle wings are awesome!" He said as he took a sip of coffee, only for everyone to facepalm.

Suddenly Jaune was back again, and he had two people with him, but they had bags over their heads, so nobody could see who they were.

"I HAVE BROUGHT YOU HERE TO CONFESS TO YOUR CRIMES!" He yelled out as he pulled off the bag of one of the people, now revealed to be a woman.

A very unattractive and scary looking woman that is, she looked like the kind of woman who would be a villian in a Harry Potter film. Her twisted smile made it look like she was going to kill you and eat your soul at a moment's notice.

"You can't do this to me! My husband was president! And I am a woman!" She yelled as everyone covered their ears at the shrill voice.

"You have commited crimes against America and her people! What say you in your defense?!" He said as the woman attempted to speak.

"Well I think..." She said as she was suddenly kicked out of the arena and launched into the sky.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!" A large muscular man who Yang actually purred at and tried to pounce on said as Jaune gave him a fist bump.

"Thanks for the help Dwayne." He said as the man smiled.

"No problem Jaune, Now I got to get back before Kevin throws a fit at being left alone again." Dwayne said as he suddenly opened a portal and walked through it.

"And now for this asshole!" Jaune said as he pulled off the bag on the other person.

Only to reveal an elderly man who seemed to have a very, VERY bad hairpeace. And for some odd reason, his skin was orange. Why the hell was he orange? Did he work for Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory or something?

"Okay buddy, listen, I'm really rich, I mean I'm really rich, I think I can solve this problem easily, you see the problem here is that, we don't have a wall, so lets build a wall, a wall will solve everything." He said as he was suddenly launched into the air again.

But no one could figure out where it came from? What happened to the overgrown Oompa Loompa with bad hair?

"YOU CAN'T SEE ME!" They heard a voice say as they couldn't figure out where it came from, since they couldn't see the man who said it.

"THE BALANCE HAS BEEN RESTORED!" Jaune yelled as he flew up to Pyrrha.

"Come with me..." He said in a sexy voice that nearly made Pyrrha melt.

"Okay..." She said as she took his hand.

They then lived out the rest of their lives in Texas, living a satisfying life of ranching, shooting, fishing, and barbecuing to their hearts intent. Why Texas? Because Texas is the best damn state in the union!

(I'm from Illinois, and I approve of Texas being the best damn state in the union!)

(1) George W Bush American as fuck t shirt

(2) M 60 machine gun