A/N So... angst is a thing that happens. TW:Death TW:Car Crash

(You Were) My Ride Or Die

When it gets real, just know that I'll be there. I got your back, like it's just you and me here. I'll go to war for you, better believe it. I'll take on the world for you, let them bring it. So if you need me, just holler my name. We ain't never scared, no we're not afraid.

Whenever, whatever, know I'm down for life.

I'm your ride or die

Lighthouse by G.R.L

Rin could feel the eyes of his classmates watching him. Taking a moment to glance up and glare at them until they stopped, he rolled his eyes and subtly got his phone out.

[Text: Sou] I'm so over people staring like can u maybe not?!

As expected, no answer came from his best friend. Rin didn't mind though, it was enough to be able to vent to Sousuke. He would have to actually go see him… not today though.

Once class was finished Rin headed back to their dorm. Unlocking the door he paused in the doorway, half expecting to be greeted by the sight of Sousuke lying on his bunk with his music blasting. Instead just cold empty silence met him. Rin heaved a sigh and went inside to change for swim practice; he hadn't gone for the last two weeks and figured it would be better to get back into it; he couldn't leave Ai in charge forever, even if it was good practice for him. He hurried out of the room, not wanting to be only in there, pulling his phone out as he walked.

[Text: Sou] before you say it I am going back to practice today dw I'm not gonna quit. I promise.

The walk to the pool felt longer than it usually did, but then again everything had felt like that every centimetre was an inch and every second was an hour. Time seemed to drag on at a painfully slow pace and yet at the same time it seemed to fly past in a blur. Three weeks barely felt like a day yet every day felt like a year.

Going inside Rin felt the corners of his lips twitch up at the familiar sights and sounds of the swim team. Practice had already started and some of the boys were already doing laps while others stretched or practiced their dives. Rin headed over to where Ai was talking with Momo, "Hey, I see you're handling being in charge really well Ai."

"Rin-senpai! What are you doing here?" Ai exclaimed in surprise.

Rin just rolled his eyes again, "I'm here for practice Ai." He told him simply.

"Are you sure? You know you don't have to be here if it's still soon…" Ai told him in a worried gentle voice.

Rin bit his tongue to keep from saying something rude and uncalled for. "Yes I'm sure." He settled on in a tight voice, walking around him to go to the lockers. He opened his locker to put his things inside, seeing the three photo's he kept there: one from the relay when they were kids, one of Gou that he was constantly having to get back from Momo, and one of he and Sousuke together near the beach. Rin felt a tight squeeze in his chest and he bit his lip. Shutting his eyes tightly against the sudden wave of emotion, he got out his phone, typing a quick message to Sousuke.

[Text: Sou] Ai is treating me like I'm going to break as well! I'm fucking fine! When r they gonna get that!

Taking a deep breath he locked his phone and left it with his stuff, closing locker and locking his emotions in there so he could focus on training, a traitorous thought of whishing Sousuke would just answer already making the ache in his chest return as he walked straight to one of the free lanes; getting onto the diving platform before diving in.

As the water engulfed him Rin couldn't help but wish he had of come and swam again sooner, the water in his ears drowned out the thoughts, the bite of the cold was sharper than the bite of his emotions, everything melted away until it was just him swimming. No more pitying looks. No more emptiness. Just his muscles moving in such a way that felt natural.

Sadly the blissful release didn't last as eventually Ai called for the end of practice. Rin climbed out of the pool, once again feeling the glances that were thrown at him with all the subtly of teenagers who want to help a wounded animal but were too afraid to come too close for fear of being bit.

A cold expression slipped back onto his face, an old mask he hadn't thought he'd have to don again reappearing with painful ease. Ignoring them Rin made a bee line for his locker, getting his phone out after drying his hands he checked it. Still no answer. Rin sighed and shook his head in annoyance, throwing the phone into his bag and giving himself a quick dry, he would shower back in the dorm and away from all the stares.

Pulling his shirt and jacket on, Rin zipped the jacket up to the top. He never used to care about what he wore but for the last two weeks the looks that were sent towards his body weren't out of appreciation.

"Rin-senpai?" A quiet voice made him stop.

"What is it Ai?" He asked voice marginally more welcoming towards his kouhai.

"You know that we are all here for you right? If you need anything at all we-" Ai's words were cut off before he could get any further.

"I'm fine."

Reaching the dorm once more Rin shivered. He got his phone out and opened it up to the messages as he grabbed a dry towel.

[Text: Sou] I know what ur going to say 'that I shouda just showered there instead of getting cold' but Im not gonna get sick so chill.

With that sent Rin went into the bathroom for a hot shower to fight the chill away, he didn't bother looking at the mirror as he passed it. It was covered by a spare blanket anyway. Rin had no interest in seeing his reflection.

Once he was changed and dry Rin put his headphones in, having got Sousuke's music player already, and put it on shuffle, throwing himself on the bed with a long sigh.

[Text: Sou] man u have some weird ass music tbh

[Text: Sou] also yeah I'm still using ur music player

[Text: Sou] don't like come get it off me

Rin could feel his eyelids getting heavy. Despite barely doing anything all day, at least by Rin's standards, he felt exhausted.

[Text: Sou] I'm heading to bed ttyl

"Hey Makoto-chan, have you heard from Rin-chan lately?" Nagisa asked worriedly.

The brunette shook his head sadly, "Not since he got out… he won't return any of my calls and anytime I ask if he's ok he just says he's fine and not to worry. Why?"

"I got a message from Ai-chan earlier, he said Rin was back at training today. Isn't it too soon? I mean I know he's healed by now physically but mentally…" The blonde trailed off, his worry for his friend making his usual bubbly smile and personality disappear.

"I'll go and see him on the weekend. You know ever since what happened, he still hasn't seen Sousuke." Makoto said quietly, the name causing a hallow sadness to pass between the two Iwatobi swimmers.

"Not once?" Nagisa asked in surprise. "I mean, I know it all happened pretty quickly but it's been ten days since he was released. Hasn't he at least wanted to see where?"

"I don't know Nagisa… I don't know. But I'll find out." Makoto's voice turned determined, no matter how much Rin denied it, his boyfriend wasn't coping. He needed help and Makoto would help him even if Rin fought him every step, he couldn't keep ignoring what happened.

The rest of the school week passed by in an uneventful haze. People continued to stare, looking away abruptly when Rin made eye contact or giving him pitying looks and sympathetic smiles that made him want to punch something. Rin's only reprieve was texting Sousuke, smiling to himself at the private jokes and sighing when no reply came.

[Text: Sou] TGIF! I'm so over this week! And no im not being dramatic ok I have a butt tonne of work to catch up on and people wouldn't keep staring -.- I guess im just that hot ;)

[Text: Sou] Am I a bad boyfriend?

[Text: Sou] I only ask coz Mko wont stop ringing n txting me… I kno I should just man up and answer but… idk…

[Text: Sou] I don't want to fight with him but he just keeps pushing shit I don't wanna talk about u kno? Ugh the frustration is real…

The phone in Rin's hand started ringing once more, the screen showing a picture of him and Makoto near the beach at sunset, Makoto kissing his cheek. The picture showed that the two were shirtless, Rin having been swimming while Makoto watched from the shallower water. 'I gotta crop this photo soon,' Rin thought to himself as he subconsciously rubbed his stomach through the shirt.

With a sigh Rin sent the call to voicemail. He would deal with his failing relationship later.

[Text: Sou] yeah I kno that that mindset is the reason I have a failing relationship but I don't hear u coming up with any suggestions on how to fix it so shh

Rin didn't remember falling asleep, but as a persistent knocking pulled him from the dark relief of unconsciousness he supposed he must have. Sitting up with a yawn he got up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, "Yeah I'm coming… Momo I swear if this is about your bug again…" he grumbled, opening the door.

Red eyes widened a little in surprise when he saw who was waiting for him. "Makoto? W-what are you doing here?"

"You haven't been answering my calls or returning my messages Rin, I got worried something had happened." Makoto told him with a gentle voice, "May I come in?" Without really waiting for an answer the brunette entered, leaving Rin to close the door behind him with a sigh.

"Yeah… sorry about that." Rin ran his fingers through his hair sheepishly, moving around Makoto and pushing the mess out of the way in the usually clean dorm. He hadn't cleaned up since coming back to school. "But as you can see I'm fine so…"

Makoto sighed as he watched him hurrying to put things away. It wasn't just the room that was a mess. Rin's hair was greasy and tangled, his cloths smelt at least a few days old, he looked exhausted despite his bed being a mess and showing that he had slept there. The only improvement that Makoto could see was that Rin's limp had finally gone away.

"Rin. You are not fine. I heard you went back to training?" Makoto decided to be blunt, it was the only way he would be able to get through to him.

Rin refused to meet his eyes, "Yeah, I did, isn't that a sign of someone who is getting their life back on track?"

"It sounds like someone who refuses to deal with what happened to them!" Makoto argued.

"I am dealing with it! I am fine!" Rin stressed with annoyance, glaring at Makoto who refused to back down.

"No you are not. Rin you haven't even gone to see-" Makoto tried to step closer but Rin immediately stepped back and cut him off.

"I will ok! I- I've just been busy!" the red head argued, crossing his arms in frustration though to Makoto it looked more like he was hugging himself. The brunette knew what was under his shirt where his hand was. "Can you please just get off my back? I really need you to just not do this right now."

"I'm sorry Rin, and I love you, but I am not going to let you keep burying and ignoring this! It isn't healthy for you! You have been through something horrible and you can't just act like nothing happened… I'm worried. I spoke with Nitori-chan… he said that you've been texting Sousuke?" Makoto knew he needed to approach the subject carefully. Nitori had called him to ask if he could talk to Rin, apparently the younger had caught Rin texting Sousuke's phone during lunch which had added to his already high levels of worry.

Rin visibly stiffened at his words, his shock morphing into an angry expression, "It's none of his fucking business! And it's none of yours either! What the fuck does it matter if I am?! I can do what I want on my phone and you really don't get any say in this!" he yelled defensively, whole body tense. Rin hated fighting with Makoto but right now his emotions and thoughts felt like they were slipping out of his control and it only added to his stress.

"Rin surely you can see that this isn't healthy for you?!" Makoto argued, he refused to back down from this; the determination in his voice was clear even if he didn't raise it. "You need to address what's happened! Do you even know where he is-"

Rin cut him off before he could say it. "Of course I do! I'm not that much of a shit friend!"

"Really? Because the way you've been acting you really could have fooled me!" Makoto yelled, his patience running out. Rin was stunned into silence. Makoto had never yelled at him before. Despite his shocked and borderline frightened expression, Makoto continued, not quite yelling anymore but his voice still raised. "You haven't spoken to any of us at Iwatobi in weeks! This is the longest we have spoken since you got out and the first time I've actually seen you! Even Gou is saying how rare it is for you to contact her! We are all really fucking worried about you Rin! If you would just stop acting like everything is fine when it isn't then we can help you! I can help you! I can help you if you actually let me in for once instead of constantly trying to keep me at arm's length! Rin I'm your boyfriend but I'm also supposed to be your best friend!"

Rin couldn't take it after that, yelling back with a broken sob in his voice, "But you aren't! He is!" the red head was done with listening to this. Done with being in this room, a room that was simultaneously suffocating and yet so empty it hurt. Grabbing his phone and keys he pushed past Makoto, not caring about his lack of jacket and shoes. Slamming the door behind him, Rin tore down the hallway in a sprint, not wanting to acknowledge his name being yelled from behind him.

He couldn't do this. Barely contained sobs made his throat constrict, his heart beat sounded in his ears and drowned out the voices calling after him but did nothing to hold back the memories that were screaming for his attention.

Rin was blindly running at this point, the bite of the cold wind on his face and bear arms making him realize that he was outside. He didn't know where he was running. He just knew that he needed to run. Away from Makoto who honestly had a point, away from the truth in his words. Away from the memories trying to catch him. Away from the worry of his friends. Away from the scars on his skin, like accusations constantly staring back at him from his reflection.

It wasn't until Rin's lungs, legs, and bear feet were hurting that he finally stopped. Looking around, his breath would have hitched had he not already been panting to catch it again.

The cemetery.

Swallowing thickly Rin made his way slowly through the tombstones until he found the one he as looking for. The one he had been dreading actually seeing.

Sousuke Yamazaki – A son and a friend taken too soon

As he stood before the tombstone, the final date showing three weeks ago, it was all Rin could do to not crumble to the ground as the memories he had been fighting to ignore came crashing back into the forefront of his mind.

The smile on Sousuke's face. He had gotten his license and was so excited to be able to drive around. It had just started to rain, the roads just starting to become slippery and the air was moist but neither minded. Rin's nose was tickled by Sousuke's aftershave, a musky scent that meant safety, laughter and home. He could remember Sousuke's laugh when Rin blushed as he teased him lightly about his relationship and Rin retaliating by punching his arm.

He remembered thinking that days like these were his favourite.

He remembered being caught off guard by what happened.

Rin remembered hearing screeching brakes and the car jolting as Sousuke tried to stop. He remembered the fear racing through him. He remembered Sousuke – his best friend, his constant, his safety – telling him to hold on.

He remembered Sousuke pushing him against the seat with one strong arm.

Rin remembered the exact moment the drunk driver smashed into the car.

He didn't exactly remember what happened next… but he remembered waking up for a moment. To this day Rin wasn't sure if it had been a dream. Honestly he wasn't sure what would have been worse.

He remembered seeing Sousuke – strong, stable, indestructible Sousuke – facing towards him, teal eyes, usually so beautiful, open but empty. His face bloody from the wound on his head.

Rin did remember screaming though. He remembered screaming and sobbing until he was out of breath and his throat ached. He remembered the pain – left leg trapped, body covered in cuts of various depths – getting too much and his head aching and his vision blurring.

Rin remembered waking in a hospital bed a day later. Seeing Makoto with tears in his eyes beside him. He remembered how much it hurt to speak. How much it hurt to move. How much it hurt to remember.

Rin remembered denying the truth and pushing everything away, putting up a mask that he was fine and hiding behind text messages that would never be answered.

He remembered being told about the funeral and spending the next fifteen minutes on the floor in the bathroom, shaking and alternating between sobbing into his hands and breaking things around him. He didn't go to the funeral.

He remembered seeing his reflection. The cuts that were bound to scar and the bruises that were yet to fade making him sick.

Rin remembered being told that he was 'lucky'. That if Sousuke hadn't of held him back like he did he could have easily been hurt worst or killed as well.

Rin doesn't remember feeling lucky…

Gently pressing his fist against the cold stone Rin whispered in a shaky voice, "Hey Sousuke… I know I'm late…" he trailed off. What was he supposed to say?

A stream of broken 'I'm sorry's were the only thing that came out between sobs as the ache in his chest finally consumed him.

When Makoto finally found him Rin was on his knees, screaming and crying and begging Sousuke to come back to him.

It broke his heart to see him like this.

Carefully Makoto knelt beside him, "Rin?"

"I m-miss him…" Rin whispered to his boyfriend.

Makoto sighed and pulled Rin against him, putting his jacket around his shoulders and trying to rub some warmth back into his arms, "I know you do… but you aren't alone Rin."

If you ever need me,

Know I'll be there.

Don't you ever be afraid to call,

I'll be waiting over the horizon.

Don't you worry I'm not very far,

I'll light it up, show you the way… I'll light it up don't be afraid

A/N So... that's a thing that happened... sorry for the text talk and for so many freaking line breaks... let me know what you thought?