In Death
A Cedric and Jessica (OC) one-shot
It was in true life that I finally understood his words to me. Not a day had ever gone by when I forgot those words that day. When he told me not to forget, this would be something I would one day understand. I understand now. At the time, I didn't understand what I had done, taken a life without care or remorse. Now though, I understand clearly what it means, what it meant to end the life of another human being like myself.
I shook my head, tears running down my cheeks. My memory of him, it's so ironic how he was the one whose words I could not forget, but he is also the one to teach me what those words meant. What it all meant in the end. If only I had understood sooner. I would have never believed it would hurt this much. The end of his life, I hated him, he hated me, that's what I had made myself believe.
I was wrong though, in so many ways. He didn't hate me; he cared deeply about me, which was why he wanted to teach me about the meaning of life. I was just too much of a fool to see it. I should have realized all of this sooner, but I was too ignorant, too caught up in myself. I couldn't see anything else through my own fog of disbelief and self-indulgence.
Once, a long time ago I had been told by a victim before her death, she told me that I was cold hearted; my heart was merely a chip of ice. As much as I hated to admit it, she was right. They both where, him and her and for so long I tried to pretend it wasn't true. She was no one but a homeless junkie, a girl standing in my way.
She had done nothing wrong, but I was having a bad day and I killed her. I had no real reason at all but still I ended her life. I killed her with no care or remorse, no interest in her life – only mine mattered to me. My life was the only one that mattered to me at the time.
I'd like to believe I'm not like that now. How could I be? Never before had the death of someone hurt me so much. He angered me; I killed him out of anger, out of rage. I had no reason, but he was speaking the truth. He was proving to me that I was wrong and I couldn't take it. I lashed out at him, killed him because I was afraid of the truth.
I killed him for nothing and now I realize how wrong I was. He was correct and I knew it so well. It was far too late to have realized that now. I had killed him, there was no way for me to bring him back, no way to apologize and tell him that I was wrong. None of that mattered now, he was gone and it hurt so much to see his body, lying there, for no apparent reason.
I wasn't sure anymore, everything I had once convinced myself how just flew out the window of my heart. I didn't see any of what I used to as correct anymore. My word just flipped upside down and inside out. It was all wrong. Colors filled my mono-toned world, nothing would ever be the same, I was sure of that if nothing else. I wasn't sure what to do to make up for all the people that I had killed. I wasn't sure if there was even a way for me to make it ok, if that were even possible. I didn't know anymore, but I felt that I had to do something.
Slowly I slipped to my knees, running my hand gently over his cheek. He was still warm. A small smile crossed my face, but it was a sad smile. I could feel more tears running down my cheeks. How could things have gone so wrong? When did I become such a monster? I had never realized it until now. I just wanted to take it back, to apologize and beg him for forgiveness. I felt like I had hit bottom, been to hell and back again. No, I felt worse then that. He was the only one who I let live, until now.
I couldn't understand why I had lashed out like that. I never just lashed out, killing without consciously knowing it. With him though, all my rules were broken, he screwed up my way of thinking so much that even I wasn't sure what was right and wrong – even in my world. I killed him for that though. I killed him because he tried to point out my flaws and help me. I ended the life of the only person who cared.
I'm sorry, but now I'm just so lost. My world is completely wrong, everything incorrect. Please find it somewhere in your soul to forgive me, if you can. If only I could take it back.