When I agreed to marry Tyrus, I meant it. I was completely sure of my decision, no questions asked. However, there were times in which I remembered Donia and wondered just how true Cygna's confession was. I still loved Tyrus, I had been unable to hate him, I just doubted him at times.
At first I tried to hide my doubts for the sake of the new empire, but there were times in which the nostalgia and the pain were strong enough for Tyrus to notice. He grew to know how I got whenever I had those doubts, whenever I was thinking too much about Donia and how I was unable to protect her in Elantra Pasus' villa. Whenever I had my moments of doubt, he did everything to prove me that he would never orchestrate such a scenario that would hurt me, that he truly loved me even if he never deactivated the electrodes, that it truly was all Cygna's doing.
Did I believe him? Almost every time. Maybe because that was easier to believe, maybe because my love made me blind, or maybe because that was the truth and I knew it even in those episodes. I can't really say why I believed him, I can just say that I did. But then, Tyrus himself made it clear he wasn't someone that shared and, without Sidonia, he didn't have to, I was free to be with him without anyone else in the middle. That was the reason of my doubts, that was what brought me back to these episodes every time I was hit by nostalgia and remembered Sidonia, sweet Donia, the one I would always protect, no matter if it cost my life.
As I pondered in all these doubts and memories, I suddenly remembered something. A memory from long ago, a memory I made myself forget. Donia asked me to forget it, told me it was nothing important and it was better that way, and I obediently did so. I never had thought back to it until now, now that Sidonia is gone and I was drowning in nostalgia. I closed my eyes as I relived that moment back in the Impyrean fortress.
It was dark, the distant planets and stars could easily be seen from the fortress. I walked out into one of the gardens to check up on Donia. She was looking at the ever expanding space in front of us, the deep darkness decorated with little lights here and there. "Donia," I called out. "It's almost bedtime." Sidonia turned to me and smiled. I liked it when she did that but… there was something strange in her eyes, something that I couldn't really describe nor know what it was.
"That can wait, Nemesis. Now come, sit here," she patted the space beside her. I was confused by such a gesture, but still decided to do as she asked. I walked over and sat beside her. "Isn't the sky beautiful?" she asked. I stayed silent; how could a Diabolic answer such a thing when we were unable to understand such a concept? Beauty was not something that I, as a Diabolic, would worry about.
"Nemesis, I have been reading these old fiction stories I found in my father's studio the other day and there's one thing I noticed."
"Yes?"
"When the protagonists love each other they sometimes seal it with a kiss." Donia sounded excited about that. "I have been wondering how it would feel to kiss someone with love."
Another thing I had no answer for. This wasn't the kind of stuff Diabolics thought about in their free time; actually, we never thought about this kind of stuff, the only way we were "romantic", for the lack of a better word, was when we did everything in our power to protect the one we're bonded to, no matter what it cost or took.
"Nemesis…"
"Yes?"
"Would you mind if I kissed you?"
Now that caught me off-guard. I looked at her, confused, wondering what she meant. I was about to ask that when I, again, noticed that strange glitter in her eyes; however, this time, I knew what it was. She meant what she said, and she wanted to feel that with me. Why? I didn't know. I assumed that it was because I was the only human-like being in the fortress that spent too much time with her and wasn't a blood relative. There could be no other explanation.
"I don't think I would," I replied. It would be very strange for me, but I also knew that whatever practice she could get from me would prepare her for the future, for the moment she met someone suitable enough to marry her. I thought it would help her feel more secure about relationships.
Sidonia smiled and started to move very close to me, until I could feel her breath in my face. "Completely sure?"
I nodded.
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.
And, in a blink, it happened.
She pressed her lips against mine.
I felt shocked at first but then, for an unknown reason, I closed my eyes and kissed her back, taking her by the chin to approach her to me. A wave of strange sensations hit me, confusing me to the very core of my being. I was so confused that, when our lips parted, I felt half relieved, half… disappointed? I was relieved that the confusion ended, that everything was back in place, but, at the same time, I wanted more, I craved more of Donia's sweet lips.
Donia looked dreamy when we parted and she opened her eyes, she had a wide smile and looked about to cry of happiness. But her expression quickly changed when she took a quick glimpse at me. "Are you okay, Nemesis?!"
"I…" What could I reply? Yes? No? I didn't know! This was extremely unusual of a Diabolic, maybe I had to go to some kind of check up, maybe I needed a little repair.
"Nemesis?"
"I don't know!" I finally replied with a rise in the volume of my voice. I immediately regretted it when Donia's face fell and that strange glitter in her eyes seemed to flicker out. "I'm sorry, Donia. It's just that… that this is not normal for a Diabolic, for me. I can't really say if I'm okay or not. Maybe I'm broken and need to be fixed."
"What? No, Nemesis! You're not broken, you're completely fine! It's normal, you see…" she stopped mid-sentence when we made eye contact. There were some seconds of tense silence before she sighed and continued speaking, "You know what? Forget it."
"Huh?" I was more confused.
"I really appreciate this moment, Nemesis, it really meant a lot to me, but, for your sake, and probably mine too, I think it's best if we both forget it. You're not broken, Nemesis, you're just confused. Maybe this was too much for you, and for me too, and I really think it's best if we just erase it from our memories, if we just pretend it never happened."
I thought about it for a moment. Part of me was truly willing to forget, but there was this other part of me I didn't know it existed that was begging me not to. It was strange. My dilemma was a truly strange one. 'This is not how us, Diabolics, are, what are you doing, Nemesis?!' I reprimanded myself. "Fine, sounds perfect," I finally said, ending the dilemma inside of me. I felt disappointed yet proud of myself at the same time, it was as though I suddenly became two different persons that were arguing over my course of action. 'Enough!' I yelled at myself, making everything stop for a moment. However, the conflict didn't end there, it was just paused until we went to sleep.
It took me a few days to be able to speak to Donia again, to be able to bury the conflict and the memory in the deepest parts of my mind where they would never be able to see the light again. Or, at least, that was the plan until now, until now that I embraced the humanity I was always denied, until now that… that Donia is gone. Now that I thought back at it, I realized how wrong my thoughts were, how dumb I was not to notice it then. She asked me for a kiss because she loved me, because she wanted her very first, and probably only, kiss to be with someone she loved; and that was me. I didn't know it then, and, even if I knew, I would have denied it. I now regret my foolishness. I ruined a special moment for Donia… and for me… I ruined it because I didn't think myself able to feel the way normal humans did.
If I was able to cry, I would, the same way I would have when I knew Enmity's corpse was thrown away as meat for the extravagant animals the Emperor had as pets. I couldn't cry, I could only feel that sadness press on my chest, I could only drown while still breathing air.
"Donia," I choked out, reaching to the sky. "I'm sorry." I looked down, depressed. The doubts I had regarding Tyrus were now replaced with this guilty feeling of ruining the only moment in which we felt the mutual love we had for each other, even if mine was forced because I was her Diabolic. Unfortunately, there was no turning back in time to fix it, there was no way I could fix it for her. I had failed Sidonia twice and there was no way I could fix any of those mistakes.
'No, Nemesis! This isn't what I wanted!' Sidonia's voice rang in my head. I looked up at the sky again knowing that, if she was alive, she would say that. Of course, she wanted me to be happy, that was her greatest desire. My happiness. That was all she cared for. 'Please, Nemesis, at least do that for me,' her voice rang one more time before vanishing back to the emptiness in my mind it came from. "I guess you're still here as my conscience, Donia," I said, letting my words get lost in the garden I was in.
I stayed there some more time, the pressure in my chest relieved, listening to my quiet surroundings.
I had failed Donia twice while she was alive, I would never forget that and I knew I would have these depressive episodes every now and then for a great part of my life. But I also knew that there was only one way to redeem myself. I had to live to accomplish Sidonia's greatest desire and dream: My happiness. I had to stand up and do everything to feel that happiness Donia wanted me to feel. Twice was more than enough failures for me to stand, I wasn't going for a third time.
I stood up and, like it always happened when I reached the end of these nostalgic episodes, I walked back to continue the progress of the new Empire at Tyrus' side. I walked back to my life and position as Empress Nemesis von Domitrian.
A/N: Hi guys! Hope you liked this… attempt at a The Diabolic prologue. I tried my best not to make Nemesis or any of the characters too OoC, I hope I have accomplished that. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this and see you all next time I publish something around here!
Lots of love~ .