Author's notes: This is a oneshot that's been bugging me for more than a month now. So...here we go. Note: review only. Flames will get you the banhammer. Enjoy and review my first-ever oneshot.
"Are you sure this will work?"Tali asked Mordin, who tiredly nodded his head. "Yes. Pheromone will work. Just spray onto self."The salarian genius sighed. He had quite enough with the quarian's attempts to try and seduce Commander John Shepard and wrest him away from Miranda Lawson. In the hours before they'd destroyed the Collector base a month ago, Miranda had made love to Shepard in the engine room, the only place untouched by Cerberus bugs and spycams. That was the culmination of a 2 month long courtship between the Commander and the amazingly beautiful XO, and it had resulted in a happy couple and a jealous quarian.
Tali then sprayed the entire content of the bottle onto her suit and skipped towards the lift. Finally, I can get back my man from that woman. Tali thought happily as the lift finally arrived on the CIC. A few seconds later, she stepped onto the crew deck where her target was. For two weeks, she was busy studying poses that human men found attractive on the extranet. Now, with the aid of Mordin's pheromone cocktail, she could finally have Shepard to herself.
She stepped into the mess hall, where only Shepard and Miranda were drinking coffee. And Miranda was cuddling Shepard, her head resting on his bosom with a content smile. Get away from him you usurping bosh'tet! Tali thought jealously as she stepped up to Shepard. "Um...hello John."She began, pointedly ignoring Miranda even though the ex-Cerberus operative greeted her warmly. Ever since Miranda had gotten Shepard, she'd been trying to make amends and make friends with the crew on Shepard's encouragement. Hell, even Jack didn't want to kill Miranda now, after a public and sincere apology made by Miranda to Jack immediately after the Collector base. However, Tali wasn't going to make friends with a usurping bitch.
"Yes Tali. Can I do something for you?"Shepard asked with a friendly smile. Here we go. Tali thought as she shoved Miranda out of the way, standing between her and Shepard as she bent down and positioned her mask close to Shepard's neck. "What do you want me to do for you?"Tali purred, but it came out horribly wrong due to the voice filter of her suit. Shepard, being the smart man he is, sighed. She's trying to seduce me. "Tali, I'm sorry, but I'll never love you. It's not because of the suit or that you're quarian, but it's because you're like my little sister, nothing more."He sighed as Tali stiffened, while Miranda was audibly growling behind Tali.
"I knew it. You were just leading me on. You view me like everyone else, a pickpocket."Tali sighed, deciding to play her 'hurt card'. "Tali, I told you from the start you are my little sister, nothing else."Shepard sighed as Tali continued. "You liar! You never even viewed me as an equal to this slut behind me!"Tali began to force her sobs as Miranda bolted upright, grabbing Tali and yanking her around by her scarf. "Excuse me, you little-"She snarled but was cut off by Shepard, who broke up the two by standing between them. "Tali, what's gotten into you? You were fine at first when I told you we couldn't be, but now..."Shepard said almost tiredly.
"Yes! I can't take it anymore! How am I inferior to this plastic woman you love for nothing! Tell me!"Tali bawled as Miranda glowed blue, but was held back by the biotic adept commander. "First, Miranda is completely natural, it's just that she had her greatness thrust upon her. Number two, I love her because she is my equal and she loves me too." "I love you too! Why won't you give me a chance!"Tali interrupted. Shepard is going to cave in soon. He will. The quarian thought as Shepard just shook his head in dismay. "Like I said, you have a kiddy crush on me. Soon, you'll outgrow it and then we'll be stuck in a loveless relationship."He said soothingly.
"What I have is not a crush! Miranda doesn't love you!"Tali continued as Miranda broke in. "Look, I love Shepard with all my being, and here you are spitting on our love. I really should've left you to die on that base instead of shoving you out of the way of that Scion."Miranda snarled before Shepard shook his head, and Miranda instinctively stopped her rant but didn't look any less angry. "I'm the perfect engineer! How can you love an imperfect whore when you have a perfect virgin in front of you!"Tali continued, ignoring the fact that Miranda was less than a jump away from crushing Tali into nothing with her biotics.
"She can't even bear you children! She's bitchy! She cheated on you and slept around with so many men before you like the cheap woman she is! She might have STDs-" "ALRIGHT, SHUT IT!"Shepard roared as Tali shut up, and even Miranda was cowed. "I can't take it anymore! Insulting Miranda everyday behind her back and calling her an STD infected whore is too much!"He barked. "I never wanted to say this, but since you've insulted my Miranda so badly, I think this is the only way to get it into your head. I. Will. Never. Love. You. Because you're a little sister to me."Shepard hissed.
"And while you claim to be the perfect engineer, why would I want you when I already have perfection herself?"He said as he stepped back and pulled Miranda in for a hug. "But...but...I'm a virgin!"Tali cried out as Miranda continued to stare daggers at her, but hugged Shepard back. "So? I prefer a woman with some experience like Miranda than someone who'll be completely lost in bed." "So you'll settle for cheap, used goods instead-" "I said shut it!"Shepard blew up once more. "Miranda has only had 7 partners in the last 10 years. So she's still in perfect condition, thank you."He growled.
"How am I inferior to her! Tell me!"Tali wailed as Shepard sighed once more. "You whine a lot. Back on the first Normandy, I would just listen to you complain about geth and how your people are mistreated all night. Same here. But have you given me a chance to vent? You never did. Miranda has."Shepard sighed wearily. "So you only care that she's easy to bed and she looks better than me even though I'm the perfect engineer. Forget it."Tali mumbled as Shepard rolled his eyes. "You claim to be the perfect engineer, but I don't need you when I have perfection herself."He sighed, kissing Miranda on her forehead as she giggled girlishly at his tender touch, making Tali even more jealous.
Miranda's beautiful blue eyes fell upon the quarian who was shamelessly trying to steal her man, and her scowl and her fury returned. Shepard noticed this and decided to bail quickly before Tali got pulped by a pissed-off Miranda. "Hey Miri sweetcakes, remember what you promised me about release just now?"He grinned as he led Miranda to the lift by his embrace. "Huh?"Miranda asked, completely stumped. "Remember how you said you were going to relieve my stress? Or are you backing out now?"Shepard teased as Tali just stood there stupidly. "Oh...definitely sir. I will relieve your stress as I am a woman of my word."Miranda purred saucily as they got into the lift.
Suddenly, Tali noticed Mordin ambling along to the lift with a mug of salarian coffee and she remembered something. The pheromones! Why didn't it work! She thought as she grabbed Mordin by his collar. "Why didn't your sure-fire pheromones work and help me to seduce the man I deserve!"She yelled as Mordin just prized himself from her grip. "It wasn't pheromones. Was regular perfume. Cannot risk disrupting team harmony. Also, Miranda's pheromones impossible to overwhelm."Mordin chattered, whistling his 'salarian scientist song' as he left Tali standing there, completely lost.
Final notes:Whoo! Hammered this out in 30 minutes. After the Miranda thread on the Bioware forums got talitrolled (yes, AGAIN) with the perfect engineer crap, I thought: 'Hmm...it'd be kinda funny if I reversed this obvious troll into something smart and logical.' So, here the result is. And if you're a Tali fanboy just bursting to troll this story, look up and you'll realize I have the banhammer right over your head. And if you look at the floor, you'll realize there are spikes beneath your feet. So only constructive reviews please. Gotta get back to my main fic, bye!