Summary - Okay, the villains in Final fantasy 7, 8, 9, and 10 along with Kingdom Hearts final boss are fed up with having so many forms and still losing to the main hero. (You know, the one you can move around with first.) So, they come together to rid them of the heroes. Of course, there is some difficulty to this plan. What are they? Well, you have to read the fiction first!
Disclaimer - I own nothing in this fic except the mind that thought up this. Please, don't hate me. I try my best, but I suffer from random A.D.D! Mwuahahahahaha-CHICKEN-hahahaha! A/N - Okay...shoot me if you hate it, review if you like. I'll put up the second chapter when I get some okay reviews. Also, some parts were to irresistible to make a joke for. Please don't hate me...
Chapter 1 - The "Secret" Club
"NOOOO!" Some random tourist wondered where the sound came from, but both were eating ramen, so didn't care too much. The scream was from no other then Seymour Guado, the one we all love/hate. "Curse those humans,...and their Ranso, too!" He started to curse under his breath about ruined plans and Republicans. (You know, evil stuff.) While walking (or floating, 'cause ghost float, right?), he peered out of the corner of his eye, reading:
"Having hero trouble? Fought the hero(s) more then once and have a different form in each fight? Still want world destruction? Then, look no further! Come to the address below and get more info! (Note: Must cast Firaga...or Fire3, on the sign to see it.)"
After reading it a second time through, Seymour cast Firaga in haste, burned part of his robe, but also got the sign. He memorizes the address; found a map placed near the ground. Followed the road, then found the place of meeting. He knocked, then the door flew open, along with a loud screech. He looked inside. There was a man in a black coat, snuggling an oversized sword, an...it (?) on the couch doing its fingernails and a woman at the other end doing its toe nails. Out of nowhere, a tan man with a freaky shadow came into Seymour's sight, yelling in his ear, "Welcome to the DARKNESS!" Seymour jumped back, then the first man he saw whacked the loud one in the head with the blunt side of his sword.
"Don't mind him. He never finished school and now puts 'DARKNESS!' in every sentence. His name's Ansem."(A/N - See kids, go to school, or become Ansem and get pwned be a fourteen-year old.) " I'm the leader and founder of the club/organization, Sephiroth!" There was a long pause 'cause "One-Winged Angel" started playing. "Over there is Ultimecia. She has seven forms or something. No one pays attention anymore." Seymour looked at her, and she mouthed "5" to him. " There is Kuja, and yes, that IS a man!" Kuja looked over, then continued to dry his nails. " He really has only two forms, but he caused a war. That counts for something. Not as cool as me, though."
Before Seymour could stop himself, he asked, " What you do?" He knew he would regret it, and he was right.
Sephiroth smiled and became wide-eyed, then said, " I killed some towns people, burned the same town down to the ground, killed the president of Shin-ra, killed an endangered species/ main hero's girlfriend/ flower girl, made the main hero think he was my puppet, summoned a meteor to destroy the world to become one with the planet, reappeared in a really cool movie, fought the same kid Ansem lost to, and..."
"I get it!" Seymour was dizzy for a moment, too much information then he needed. After a while, he learned that they all wanted to "remove" the main heroes, cause the rest were useless without him. They thought about killing them, but Sephiroth pointed out that they had something called a "Save Point", which meant that they can die any number of times and still come back. Everyone agreed, then Ultimecia suggested using her rings!
"What good will those do?" Kuja asked. "They look pretty, but they are just rings, right?"
" WRONG!" Ultimaca proclaimed, then pulled off five rings, and passed them out among them. " Okay, these I use to get to my castle, so they posses some time magic. Everyone follow?" Everyone nodded. " If the wearer can't control the power in the ring, the person will be sent to a time rift!"
" I understand, " cheered Sephiroth. " So we put them on the ones we need to rid ourselves of and then continue on with our past plans?" Ultimaca nodded. " ALRIGHT! Sounds like a plan! Everyone, move out!" Everyone left, except Kuja. He went over to the couch and grabbed the nail kit, then left.
Some of our villains had a harder time with the hero. Ultimecia had it easy. She went and took control of Rinoa, made her ring look like Squall's, then had Rinoa give Squall the fake one. Rinoa regained control of her body, had no idea what happened, kissed Squall, and skipped away. Squall shrugged, then put "his" ring on. Then, "POOF!", was gone in a second after it was put on. Ultimecia felt proud of herself, then headed to the hideout. Squall, on the other hand, was sent to "the rock".(The one at the end of FFVIII) He looked around, then began to scream. "NOOOOO! NOT AGAIN!" He rolled up into a ball, then rocked back-&-forth. " FIVE FORMS! FIVE #$ING FORMS!...MY MAGIC! WHERE'S MY MAGIC! LEAVE MY GFS ALONE! DON'T BLOW AWAY ULTIMA! ...desalinate...rock!"...We'll leave him be for now.
Sephiroth, on the other hand, had it harder. He went all around Midgar, and still couldn't find Cloud. After an hour, he had an idea. He went to the church in the slums, and sure enough, there was Cloud! Sephiroth was thinking of how to get the ring on Cloud, but before he could finish, Cloud saw him. "Sephiroth?" Sephiroth instantly jumped. Cloud was straight ahead. A small pause, and, like a battle cry, Cloud shouted "SEHPI-KUUUUUUN!" Then, "Sehpi-kun" was glomped to the ground. Cloud continued screaming is poor Sephiroth's ear. " Sephi-kun! I knew you'd live after that Omni-Slash thingy! Your invincible!"
Sephiroth found this the perfect time to slip on the ring, but needed a way. He then shuddered, then began to push Cloud off him. He had to "IMPROVISE" quite a bit. "Cloud," Sephiroth began, got onto one knee, and then pulled out the ring. " Will you marry me?" Sephiroth had to stop himself from crying.
" OF COURSE!" Cloud snatched the ring, then placed it on his finger. With that, Cloud disappeared. Sephiroth cried to himself the whole way back to the hideout. Ultimecia was there drinking sake for a victory drink. She saw the leader, then his face. She knew what he did from that much, and poured him a large glass of it. Sephiroth, being Sephiroth, could live after a huge alcohol in-take.
Cloud was sent to the very same rock a Squall. "Uh..." Cloud began, "hi?"
"MY MAGIC! WHERE'S MY MAGIC!" Cloud could tell this was going to be a long day...or however long he was going to be on "the rock".
Kuja was outside the castle of Garnet and Zidane. He was just going to wait there for Zidane to come, tell him all the ladies will flock to him if he wore it all the time. In the mean time, Kuja could finish his nails. When he opened the jar of nail polish, there was a high-pitched scream. " GET OUT! AND NEVER SHOW YOUR FACE HERE AGAIN!" With that, there was a monkey man that flew out the second level, and came down with a crash. Kuja sighed, got to his feet, and then he was sent flying!
Zidane used the mug skill on him, and stole 100 gil and the ring from Kuja! 'Oh, crap!' was all Kuja was thinking. "Huh?" Zidane stared at the ring. Thought for a minute, then started to go towards the castle. " With this, I can get Dagger to love me again! Kuja, for a evil guy, you carry the best stuff!" Kuja was in shock. Zidane was going to put the ring on Garnet? Not good.
Kuja leaped over his nail kit, and grab Zidane."Wait! You and Dagger have the same ring size, right?' Zidane nodded. "Well, shouldn't you try it on to see if it would fit her?" Zidane, shockingly, seem to take this in pretty fast. He slipped on the ring, and was out of Kuja's sight. He found it a job well done and returned to base. When he reached HQ, he saw Sephiroth singing horribly off key to "Somewhere I Belong". Ultimecia was there clapping along to Sephi's dance; half a jig and half free-style. Kuja shrugged and went to the couch for his "victory nap".
Zidane appeared at the middle of "the rock". He first peered at Squall, who had settled down a little, but was still muttering about Ultimaca's GF, and Cloud built a tiny Midgar and was playing "Cloud-Zilla". See, he too also suffers from random A.D.D. Zidane sighed, sat down, and tried to pull the ring off. He succeeded, then went to another rock with all the monsters he killed. He screamed, and swiftly placed the ring on his finger. "There was no way out using the ring" a voice told him.. After doing this three other times, he finally listen to the voice and just stopped doing anything.
Ansem felt like he was at home, but something was missing. He went to the Great Hall, and found the Shadows playing DDR(Dance Dance Revolution) and the Neo - Shadow's playing Karaoke Revolution. At this sight, Ansem was speechless. He then pulled out a notebook and a pen, then wrote:
"Ansem Report 13 - The Heartless have evolved greatly. They managed to get into my room and then hook up a PS2 to a TV. They also seem to know how to play DDR,...but not so much on Karaoke. No verbally skills yet. They also seem to be eating..." With that, Ansem ran to a Neo-Shadow, and pulled from it'd hands a Pocky box. "NO! NOT THE STRAWBERRY KIND, DIPED IN DARKNESS CHOCOLATE!" Then, another pause. Ansem realized that darkness in every sentence didn't make much sense. So, if he continued this, he would confuse people, and then take their hearts! Oh, wait. He already does that. While he was thinking, there was a load crash near the Keyhole. Maybe the Heartless found a way to unseal it? He "hovered" up to it, only to be whacked in the head with a box li0d! On top of it, Sora was cheering! Ansem went to attack him, but Sora got to Ansem first with Strike Raid.
"PH34R I\/IY K3YI3L4D3 L33TI\I355!" ( For those who can't read L33T, "FEAR MY KEYBLADE L33TNESS!" With that, Ansem decided that the next hit he took, he would admit defeat, and then...he was whacked.
"Stop! My HP bar is down to zero, you win!" Ansem was improvising. Sora, feeling proud of himself, did the Cloud victory stance. Ansem continued, " And for beating me, you get this ring, doubles your AP, HP, MP, strength, defense, and anything else I forgot." Sora jumped for joy, removed Omega Arts, put the ring on, and then "POOF!" Ansem laughed. "MWAHAHAHAHA...DARKNESStwitchDARKNESS!" He looked around, then left for HQ. When he arrived, his Pocky was gone from the box, so he sent the shadow thingy to go buy more. He went to the table were Sephiroth was still dancing, and then sat down.
When Sora appeared on "the rock", he landed between Squall and Cloud. They all stared at each other. When Zidane looked over, he screamed at the top of his lungs, " AHH! YOU TWO HAVE A LOVE CHILD?" Cloud cast Ultima and Squall used Lionheart on poor Zidane. Sora went over and started to cast Curaga, but Cloud garbed him, shook his head "no", and then went to polish his materia. Squall did the same, but went to wipe the blood of his Gunblade. Sora, looking back and forth between the two angry adults and the bloody heap know as Zidane. He sat down, and started to draw on the ground.
Seymour did a plan with the mix of Ultimecia's and Kuja's. Instead of him been mugged, Seymour put on a kimono, then found a fiend. He casted Sleep, then put the ring on a chain, and placed it around the wolf like fiend. After everything was in order, he called for help. Tidus, being a hero, can't ignore cries for help. Seymour saw him running in the distance, woke the fiend up, and fell to the ground. Tidus used his "Slice and Dice" overdrive, just to show off, then the ring fell off at the end. Seymour, covering his face and pretending to be a girl, ran to Tidus, who was examming the ring. " Oh, thank you! You brave warrior! That ring there can make it so you aren't a dream!"
"How you know I'm a dream!" Tidus was scared. He stared at Seymour with wide, watery eyes. "Oh, Yevon! He's going to cry! Damn Jecht for doing this to his kid!"
"Um..." Seymour was in a real situation here. He then remembered how idiotic Tidus was, so then had a good reason. " Lucky guess?"
Tidus smiled. "OKAY!" He slipped it on, and no more blonde hero! Seymour did his little laugh thing, then , while going to march back to base, Yuna appeared.
"Oh no! The love of my life disappeared! But wait, what's this! A sphere with man in it! It looks like him, I can't say for sure! I'll run away from here, and go sphere hunting with my skimpy cousin and a person with an attitude problem! DRESS SPHERE CHANGE!" Yuna then turned into Gunner-Yuna . Seymour stared for a few seconds, then marked this event as a "Random Moment" in his head. He arrived back at the club, not believing that the plan really worked. He looked up and almost ran for the door. Ansem was throwing Pokey around, Kuja woke up with bad hair, Sephiroth was singing and falling over ever so often, and Ultimaca acted as a support for Sephiroth. The scariest thing in the room was the fact that Sephiroth was singing "I Think I'm a Clone Now". This was enough to scary even Ansem, for Ansem went "boo" and didn't say "darkness". That was a bad sign. In the end, everyone went to their rightful place to continue pass plans. However, the heroes were together, and could figure out a way out...after they get Squall out of a private rehab. When Tidus showed up, he went on and on about the spells he could use, and then said he fought Ultima Weapon. Squall thought he said "Ultimecia's weapon". Squall never heard of it, and start screaming about it being another form.
...PLEASE FORGIVE MY CRAPPY SPELLING! I can only hope you know what I mean. I got one of those crappy computers with NO SPELL CHECK! Oh, and please don't hate me for the jokes. I'm a die hard FF and KH gamer (ask my friends and family), but some of the stuff I think of with my warped mind. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENDS WHEN YOU MIX ANIME AND GAMES, PEOPLE! If I get some good reviews, I hope to write a second chapter, with the easiest way to kill Ultimaca. Stay tune...if you care! Oh, and I send a shout out to Hana, who wrote "BAG"(badasses against glompers).