12/8/1961, Sodapop Curtis
I don't feel like me. In a way it's like a lost a bit of myself, but I can't describe it. I'm still the same Sodapop Curtis as I ever was, on the outside. But inside I feel strange, like I don't really know who I am anymore. Like I'm confused about being me.
I miss Sandie a lot, but I dont think thats what this is. It dont feel like heartbreak, or at least not what I thought heartbreak was. It aint like in the movies, or the ones Ponyboy took me to at least. It's not dreadfully painful or even worth dying for. Its just a fading pain. I wonder if I was ever meant to feel more, like the world was over or something. But nothing's there, its just a big empty hole that she left.
It makes feel hollow sometimes you know? Like the glass is half empty instead of half full. I just cant wrap my head around it. I was never really smart but at least I always knew what I was feelin, specially when someone hurts me this bad. But its more like confusion than anything else. Confusion about me, Sandie, Pony, what I should do, what I shouldn't do. Confusion bout everything I supose. What happened to us and Pony, well its got my brain in a knot.
I just dont know what I should do anymore. I had a plan, and all of a sudden that plans gone. I was gonna marry Sandie, give her the best life I could, open a garage and maybe even have kids. It was all in my plan. But now I dont even have a tiny bit of that plan left. I supose Im kinda lost in a way.
I wonder if this is how the socs feel, kind of confused about who to be or what to do or even how to act. Some socs they aint even that bad, just plain old people like me. They still have problems, Ponyboy told me that, and if I ever believed anyone bout something as strange as that it would be Pony.
I wonder if thats how Johnny and Dally felt to. Hell, that maybe why those two was so close, they understood each other. But I guess we all understand now, even though its to late. I get the thought that sometimes Dally felt like nothing mattered, thats why he did all those things. But I dont feel anything like Dally did. Even if I am feelin real confused bout lots of things right now. Loads of things still matter to me, just different things than before.
But either way I cant help but wondering whether things will get worse or better, and whether this confusion will go away. Darry just says that everyones confused right now even him. But thats just Darry, he's always saying stuff like that. Even Ponyboy dosent think anythings really wrong, but maybe he's just hopin that everything isn't.
but I cant help this feeling its always there. I dont think even Sandie could've fixed it, if she was here that is. I think the only thing I could ever hope for is that time will fix us all up. Hell, I hope it even mends that empty hole in my heart.