Ninety-Nine Failed Pick-Up Lines (And the One That Actually Worked)

Summary: It all started with a pick-up line whispered on a rooftop. "You know, Tantei-kun, if I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen." Kaitou KID barely dodged the soccer ball that shot past his head and lodged itself in the steel door behind him.

Rating: T

Warnings: Swearing

Chapter One: Roses

"Shit-!" Edogawa Conan stumbled as his sneakered foot was caught on a thin length of shimmering wire, and he barely had time to regain his balance when heaps of fluorescent pink feathers adhered themselves to the eighteen-turned-six-year-old's tiny body. Chest heaving and forehead glistening with sweat, the child kept on running, ignoring the feathers plastered to his clothing as he raced up yet another flight of stairs. "Kid is going to pay for this..."

Conan had not been having a good day, to say the least. The day had started with a whack over the head from the ever drunk, ever obnoxious Mouri Kogoro, who had chided Conan for attempting to drink coffee in the morning. "A squirt like you," he had chortled, "Doesn't need anymore coffee to stunt his growth."

As was routine, at 7:30 Conan had been promptly ushered off to the hell that was primary school, where he was then subjected to the endless prattling of the Shounen Tantei-dan for six consecutive hours. It was just Conan's luck that Haibara Ai, his only solace during school hours, was absent for the day for some completely made-up reason. Stomachache his ass, Haibara owed Conan big time for abandoning him.

When the bell had finally rung and released Conan from primary school prison, he wanted to do nothing but go home to Ran's sisterly embrace. But as fate would have it, the boy crossed paths with a murder before he was even a third of the way home.

"Oh my god! He's dead!"

Standing in the middle of a small park, a woman shrieked and clutched her face in horror as her dog toyed with the limp hand of a dead salaryman. Gawping bystanders slowly crowded around the dead body in morbid fascination — it was only until the dog had begun chewing the hand that someone had the sense to call 1-1-0. Conan had tried to examine the body for clues before the dog damaged any evidence or the police cordoned off the crime scene, but a nondescript man with baseball cap shielding his face held Conan back. "It's better to let the police handle this, don't you think, kiddo?"

Conan tried using his most powerful puppy dog eyes on the man to convince him to let him go, but to no avail. He had finally wiggled away from the man and was about to slip away from the park and continue heading home when the police arrived, and Conan sighed in resignation. He knew what this meant.

The police began to round up the bystanders almost immediately, preparing to take statements from them one by one. These policemen were maddeningly slow, and Conan nearly screamed in frustration when he noticed the dog had slipped beneath the crime tape, once again nibbling at the corpse. Trotting up to the nearest officer, a mild man he knew from multiple cases, Conan tugged at the hem of the officer's shirt until he caught his attention. "Hey, Omawari-san, is that doggy supposed to be eating that?" Conan giggled a high-pitched, disgustingly saccharine laugh as he pointed in the direction of the corpse, and the officer dropped his clipboard as he sprinted towards the dog.

After several long-suffering hours of watching the police slowly bumble their way through the case, the culprit was finally caught, and the bystanders were released. Dispersing with sighs and groans, the crowd, Conan included, meandered away from the park. By the time he reached the Mouri Detective Agency, the sun was grazing the horizon, and Conan was ready to eat whatever delicious meal he was sure Ran had prepared. But as soon as he entered the house, he knew something was off. There was no delicious smell wafting from the kitchen, and he didn't hear Ran humming either. Conan dropped his backpack by the door and hurried into the kitchen. There was no Ran, no delicious meal, only a plain index card on the kitchen table. As Conan approached, it became obvious that it was a note, and his heart sank as he read it.

Dear Conan-kun,

I'm afraid I won't be home until late today!

There's been a sudden change of plans, and I'll be at a karate tournament in Haido!

Don't worry, I made some curry for you, it's in the fridge so all you need to do is heat it up.

Don't forget to go to bed by eight!

Love,

Ran

Conan sighed, and plodded over to the refrigerator. He really didn't feel like heating anything up, but at least Ran had already prepared something for him. But when Conan opened the refrigerator door, he saw nothing but another note, this time on a dirty napkin with stains that looked suspiciously like curry.

To: Brat

I have important work today.

I have been invited to a Kaitou KID heist.

I didn't have time to cook, so I ate your curry.

-Ojisan

Conan's stomach grumbled indignantly and the boy silently cursed Kogoro. He also thanked him though, because the heist had completely slipped his mind following the recent chain of events. Conan ran to the closet and grabbed his skateboard and helmet, then dashed out the door, grabbing a melon bread from the kitchen as he left. As he skateboarded down the street, Conan mentally chastised himself. It was uncommon for KID to hold a heist near Beika, how could he have forgotten that it was today?

Conan shook himself out of his thoughts and started to eat his melon bread as he approached an intersection. If his memory was correct, the heist was located at the Grand Palace Gallery, where the Virgin's Rose diamond was on display. Conan made a sharp turn to the left towards the brightly illuminated building, cutting through a throng of shoppers and nearly hitting a woman with indigo eyes as he sped down the sidewalk. A quick glance at his watch let Conan know that the heist was starting in less than fifteen minutes, and as he sped up his skateboard, he was oblivious to the indigo-eyed woman's smirk as she stared at his retreating back.

Pushing his board to its limits, Conan made it to the gallery with a couple of minutes to spare. As he squeezed through the mingling crowd of KID fans and task force officers, he caught sight of Inspector Nakamori, who, as usual, was hollering orders to the task force members dashing frantically around the main hall of the gallery. Conan shook his head as he finished the rest of his bread- there was no way this chaotic group would ever be able to catch KID- and scanned the area for an outlet to the roof. KID was so predictable in his movements, it was a wonder that no one had caught on ages ago. Catching sight of a secluded stairwell, Conan changed directions and began pushing his way towards the metal stairs when the lights suddenly went out.

"Ladies and gentlemen!"

And Conan was snapped back to his current situation, hustling up what seemed to be the twentieth flight of stairs that night, trailing shocking pink feathers as the adhesive slowly gave way to the sweat drenching his tiny body. Short legs were really such an inconvenience. KID was racing up to the roof, taking the stairs three steps at a time, whereas Conan was struggling just to scale one step. It seemed like ages before Conan caught up enough that he could see a glimpse of startling white silk as KID turned each corner of the stairwell. Conan wasn't the only one catching up, either. The boy could hear the task force charging up the stairs, spitting out profanity every time they triggered another one of KID's masterfully intricate traps.

Just as Conan was about to reach his limit, he heard the screech of metal on metal, then a loud clang. KID had reached the roof. Conan put on a final burst of speed that he didn't know his puny body had possessed. If KID had reached the roof, then Conan wasn't too far behind-

Suddenly the cool night air washed over Conan, and he hunched over, hands on his knees, in a futile attempt to recover his breath. His saliva tasted metallic and oddly sweet as he sucked air into his mouth. A small feather drifted down from his hair, slick with sweat, and Conan accidentally inhaled it, resulting in a coughing fit.

A silky laugh rang out over the rooftops of downtown Beika, and Conan looked up, mid cough, to glare at the source of the laugh. A man, clad in all white, a top hat perched on his unruly hair and a monocle balanced delicately on the bridge of his nose.

Conan gritted his teeth, still recovering from the inhaled feather. "Fuck. You. Kid."

"My, my, Tantei-kun. Those words shouldn't be coming from a child's mouth."

The man spun an ornate brooch between his fingertips as he chuckled. The brooch was crafted to resemble two delicate, intertwined roses. Embedded in each silver rose was an oversize, circular pink diamond, and as the brooch twirled, the light of the full moon illuminated them from within. They cast a ethereal pink glow on gallery roof and sent shafts of light shimmering over the thief. Such a sight would have been breathtaking to anyone else, but the Kaitou KID seemed almost annoyed, and with a snap of his fingers the brooch disappeared in a puff of pink smoke. Apparently finished with his prize of the night, the thief cast his gaze onto the shrunken detective, cheeks still rosy and feathered from the chase. Conan, still panting, had trained his anaesthetic dart watch at KID, and was following his every move with a smoldering glare.

"Not in the mood for carefree banter tonight, I see?"

The child failed to reply, and his glare only intensified.

"Well, neither am I, actually."

KID watched the child carefully for a reaction, but Conan didn't move.

"Oh my. Are you angry about the feather trap?"

Conan still didn't move, but a lone feather slipped off his shoulder and landed on the cement. The task force could be heard stampeding up the stairwell.

"Well, my apologies, Tantei-kun. But believe me when I say that the trap wasn't meant for you."

Conan still did not budge from his station in front of the rooftop door, but cocked one eyebrow. KID took this as an invitation to continue.

"You see Tantei-kun, that trap was meant for Tantei-san." KID continued to speak under his breath, "In fact, all the traps tonight were meant for that asshole."

Conan raised both eyebrows this time, and finally opted to speak. "What do you mean, Kid?"

KID's eyes lit up as soon as he heard Conan's voice, and his plasticine smile molded into something slightly more genuine.

"What I mean is of no concern to you, Tantei-kun. Just rest assured that if I had intended to set a trap for you, it would've been much cuter than just pink feathers."

Conan turned as KID started to walk back and forth, following the thief with his watch at the ready. The sound of the footsteps in the stairwell reverberated like thunder as the task force closed in on the roof. "Cuter? What the hell are you talking about?"

KID waggled his finger at Conan. "Once again Tantei-kun, a child shouldn't be saying dirty words like that."

"We both know I'm not really a child."

"Oh really? Your stature says otherwise."

Conan scowled and tried again. "What did you mean by cute?"

"I meant, Tantei-kun, that you are awfully adorable..."

Conan's eyes grew wide. He recognized that tone of voice. It meant that KID was up to no good, and that Conan's dignity was in trouble. But before Conan could press the trigger on his watch, Kaitou KID snapped his gloved fingers, and Conan found himself shrouded in another cloud of pink smoke. Instinctively, Conan held his breath to avoid inhaling any of the smoke, but he was a second too late and launched into yet another fit of coughing. Unable to see, Conan stumbled around blindly, grasping out for KID so that he could pummel him with all the force in his tiny fists.

It was like playing blind man's buff with a ghost. KID laughed as he easily dodged Conan's outstretched hands, much to the boy's frustration. When the smoke finally dissipated, KID was standing with his back to the rooftop door, now closed, and Conan was still blindly groping for the thief. KID couldn't help but stifle a laugh at Conan's appearance.

"...And," he continued, "you look even better in that dress."

Conan stopped reaching for KID and looked down, dread slowly curling in the pit of his stomach. He was clad in a frilly magenta dress, complete with elaborate bows and garish fuchsia bloomers. Conan stared down at his new clothes in horror, quivering with equal parts anger and embarrassment, fixing KID with his deadliest glare as the thief dared to speak again.

"You look fabulous, my dear detective. Magenta really compliments your rosy complexion. You know, Tantei-kun, if I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen." Kaitou KID barely dodged the soccer ball that shot past his head and lodged itself in the steel door behind him. Flourishing a bouquet of roses, KID smirked over the top of the blushing blooms, and tossed them at the fuming Conan as he sauntered backwards towards the ledge of the roof. Then the thief tipped his hat, leaned back, and dived over the edge just as the task force burst through the dented door. "Where is he?! Where's KID?!" Conan turned breathlessly towards them, clutching KID's bouquet tightly in his hands.

(The task force's first thoughts were 'What is this little girl doing up here?')

A/N: Hello there! This... is the first fic I've written in a while, and I honestly don't know if I'll continue it or not. Ultimately I think I'll leave it as incomplete, and I'll probably just write this fic sporadically unless someone actually wants me to complete it? I don't know, but please leave a review, ff and all that if you enjoyed reading this.