The service was long over, the cathedral had emptied out and yet he couldn't find the strength to leave. He couldn't go the graveside service, he couldn't watch as his casket was lowered into the ground, not when he knew he was ultimately the one who had dug the grave.
He had done this, he had set the wheels in motion and it had spiraled out of control, and Al paid the price.
He held his cover in his hand, being in his dress blues always felt uncomfortable but today was different, he felt sick to his stomach.
It had been a rough few days for everyone, they had all gathered together just a few nights ago to pour one out to Al's memory and it was comforting to be surrounded by the team things got a bit tense.
He had initially approached Antonio to apologize for his behavior after Voight shot the prick that ordered the hit, but things shifted to his IA interview and he needed to know if Antonio had Voight's back.
Atwater picked up on the tension and intervened.
Adam was being swallowed up by an unimaginable guilt and he was taking it out on anyone and everyone, Antonio seemed to be an easy target. Perhaps it was because Antonio possessed a quality Adam didn't, Antonio was loyal. Far more loyal than Adam had been and it was a bitter pill to swallow.
He didn't get to mourn Al, he was the reason Al was dead. He couldn't look Meredith in the eyes and he couldn't offer his condolences to her.
So he stayed put, he'd lost track of how long he'd been sitting in this pew but judging my how numb his ass had become it had been a long time.
He'd been replaying the last six months of his life over and over again, he'd really fucked up.
One bad decision had snowballed into an avalanche and it ended with Al's death.
He hadn't spent much time with Al lately, any time he did spend with him was because of the job, Al had made it quite obvious how he felt, he was pissed. Not the scream and shout kind of pissed, that Adam could've dealt with. Nope, Al was silent in his anger. He couldn't remember the last time he had gotten more than a few words out of Al, he shut him out. He was cold, and pretended as if Adam didn't exist, it hurt then but now? It was a pain that he'd only felt once before in his life, the other time he felt such agony was when Kim put her engagement ring in the palm of his hand.
While he and Kim had found some semblance of a relationship, what it was he had no fucking clue but they had closed the gap a bit. Despite all their pain and heartache, they had found some peace, he still held on to the slightest glimmer of hope that they would end up together.
He didn't have that with Al, he'd never get to tell him how sorry he was for letting him down, that he was sorry he wasn't half the man Al had been. It was a painful realization, knowing that he had let down the man who had seen something in him no one else had, Al had taken a flier on him.
Al had been his mentor, he had his back from day one. He had stood by Adam through some tough times, he had helped Adam find his footing.
Adam knew he was the cop he was today because of Alvin Olinsky.
"Anyone seen Ruzek?" Kevin pushed his way through the solemn crowd that had gathered at Molly's, "Was he at the cemetery?" He scrolled through his phone, hoping to find a text or a missed call.
"No" Jay shrugged, "I'm sure he will show up at some point." He'd been through more than his fair share of funerals, between the military and the police force he'd lost more than most. "Funerals can make people do weird shit."
"I'm going to head home" Kim grabbed her purse, "Drive safe." She kissed Jay on the cheek before turning her attention towards Kevin, "Call me if you hear from Adam, okay?"
"You do the same. I love you Burgess." Kevin pulled her into his arms, "We will get through this. All of us. We will come out of this stronger than ever."
Kim bit back the lump in her throat, "For Olinsky." She forced a sad smile, "I love you too Kev."
His head throbbed and his eyes burned, the sun had slipped below the horizon, bringing the lights in the cathedral on, he was alone. The reverend had left just moments ago, he had placed a steadying hand on Adam's shoulder, "Stay as long as you need, our doors are always open." Adam had bobbed his head up and down as his response, his overwhelming sadness had left him unable to speak.
She wasn't expecting to find him here, she had gone to his place when she left Molly's, when his car was nowhere to be found she retraced his steps.
The outside of cathedral was draped in black bunting, the flags sat at half mast. The lobby was filled to the brim with floral arrangements of varying sizes and numerous one from the city's dignitaries. As she passed a photo of Al she ran her fingertips over it, tears bubbled in her eyes.
She spotted him, hunched over in the last pew.
Where she had left him hours ago.
"I'll be there in a minute, I just need some time" he pulled his hand away from her's, "Go on, I will catch up."
She didn't want to leave him, she didn't want him to be alone, she knew how much he loved Al.
He heard the click clack of heels on the floor, he didn't need to turn around, he knew who it was.
He didn't lift his head, he kept his eyes trained on the floor, he couldn't let her see the guilt that lived in them.
Kim slid in beside him, "Hey..."
"Hey.." he managed to mumble in response.
"It's pretty in here. The stained glass windows are breathtaking" she loved the intricacies of the windows, she loved the way the sun's rays would have them sparkling, "Kevin is worried about you. You never showed up at the cemetery."
"I'm fine," Adam finally lifted his head, "I didn't want to go."
Kim handed him a tissue from the packet she carried in her purse, "Here." He took it from her, "It was a beautiful service, I've never seen so many people. I know blue funerals draw a crowd but this was different, everyone loved Al. Everyone." She marveled at how many people wanted to speak, it was story after story about Al. "Meredith was rock solid. She held it together, I think Platt was a big part of that. Meredith and Al, they were trying to make it work. I had no idea..did you?"
He felt the knife in is heart twist as it buried itself deeper into him, he gasped out loud as another round of tears poured from his eyes, his body wracked by sobs.
Kim watched in horror as he buried his face in his hands and sobbed, she pulled him into her arms, he was falling apart. She covered his head with her soft kisses, her hand stroking his hair, "It's okay, Adam..it's okay..." she struggled to find the words to comfort him, none of this was okay, it was anything but okay.
"Let me go.." Adam cleared his throat.
"He loved you. He was so proud of you." Kim reached into her purse, "I found something..when I was cleaning..." she left the rest of her sentence unsaid, he knew what she meant and she couldn't bring herself to actually say it aloud. She ruffled around her purse for a few moments before pulling the photo of Adam and Al out, "I think it was from the PBA barbecue, you know the one with that corn dog chick" she couldn't help but chuckle at the memory. Things had been easy back then, sure they were hiding their relationship from everyone but it was simple. That should've been her first clue that what she had with Adam was right, even with all the sneaking around, it was simple.
Their love was simple.
She loved the photo, Al had Adam in a headlock and they both wore true shit eating grins, "It was in one of the drawers, I love this photo. He loved you like a son. I thought he was going to hate me after..." she paused, "after everything..."
"He didn't." Adam chimed in.
"I know. I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot in those days." She handed the photo to Adam, "I think you should have it."
Adam pushed her hand away, "No. You keep it."
"Do you remember when he and Michelle moved in with you.." Kim smiled at the memory, it was bittersweet as it was just before everything fell apart for them, "I would sit and watch you two as you ate breakfast, if I hadn't known otherwise I would've sworn you were father and son, your mannerisms were exactly the same." She smiled sadly, "I know I've already said it but he was proud of you..."
Adam shot up from his seated position, "Shut up! Just shut up!" He roared, "just shut the fuck up" he gripped the pew in front of him as he hunched over, "please just shut up..." he whimpered, all of the rage had vanished and he was broken.
"Adam..honey..." Kim placed her hand on the small of his back, "talk to me...tell me what this is about."
"No." He stood up straight, "No."
"Help me understand, I don't understand what's going on and I'm worried." Kim kept her eyes on him as he walked the length of the aisle, his hands jammed in his pants pockets.
"I did this. I killed Al." He finally blurted out, "You Happy now?"
"No! You didn't do this! You didn't kill Al!" She grabbed the lapels of his coat and shook him, "We got the bastard that did this!"
"I did it! I fucked up!" Adam shook her off, "I was a rat!" He could see the shock on her face as his words settled in, "Woods? I was the dirty cop feeding him information."
"No" Kim whispered, "No. You wouldn't..."
"I did" he choked out, "I had to do it. I had to" he grabbed his head with both hands, he was distraught.
Kim grabbed a hold of him and forced him to sit down, she feared his knees would buckle beneath him, "I don't understand, Adam."
He laughed a little and it was eerie, none of this was even remotely funny. "I altered a police report...actually I made it disappear. It was easy, no one was the wiser. I did it again and again. The third time...well, it wasn't a charm." Adam knew he had to tell her everything, "It was for a DUI. She had her kid in the car, he's just a little boy. I couldn't let him get lost in the system so I covered for her, Woods found out. He used it, told me I could keep her safe and the kid out of the system if I played ball with him. If I fed him information on Voight and the unit."
"Your son?"
Adam scowled, "No, god no. My nephew. My sister, I have a kid sister. She's from my mother."
Kim felt relief wash over her, the thought of Adam having a child, another woman's child left her feeling sick to her stomach, "You helped her?"
"I had no choice, my mother was on my ass about it, told me it would be my fault if Kate lost Sammy. So, I helped her. Then it bit me in the ass, I told Woods I was done. I couldn't do it. It was too little too late. Voight knew. He had Olinksy bring me to the silos under the premise of meeting a CI of Al's. He wanted back up, I didn't question it. Then he started talking about how he felt about me, how he plucked me from the academy. It was then I knew something was up. I thought I was a deadman, I thought I was being led to the slaughter house."
"Olinsky wouldn't have hurt you, he wouldn't have let Voight hurt you." Kim offered, at some point during Adam's confession he had grabbed her hand, "Adam..."
"Let me finish." He needed to clear the air, "it's kind of fitting. I'm confessing to it...here.." he waved around the church, "Voight had me play along, wanted me to act as if nothing changed. Except I was looking to bring Woods down instead of Voight. He had me plant money at a crime scene.."
"I remember that"
"I think Woods was starting to piece it together, it's why he switched gears. It's why he went after Olinsky." Adam wanted to puke, "I couldn't give him what he wanted, he went after Al because I had given him dick."
"Adam...it's not your fault." Kim rubbed his thigh.
"I let him down. He was disappointed in me, he died before I could make it right. He died before I could tell him how sorry I was." Adam was in tears again, "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry."
Kim held him as he cried.
They sat in silence for a long time, Kim was trying to process it all, the fact that Adam had a sister and a nephew had been shocking to say the least. It was almost as shocking as hearing Adam had risked his career, she understood why he did it though. She'd have done the same for Nicole and Zoe.
She had so many questions but it wasn't the place or time to ask them, instead she focused on supporting Adam through this, she wanted to b her there for him as he was for her. She owed him that much.
"You should head home. I'm alright, it's getting late." Adam finally stood up.
"Where are you going?" Kim asked him.
"I dunno. The cemetery. I need to say goodbye." Adam was popping his fingers as he spoke, "I need him to know how sorry I am, and that I loved him."
Kim reached up to palm his cheek, "Al knows how much you loved him, he loved you just as much. I will go with you."
"You don't have to do that. I'm okay." Adam lead her outside, "Thank you."
"I know I don't have to do it, I want to do it. I want to be there for you, the way you've always been there for me. Let me help you."
Adam reached for her hand, "I appreciate it, I really do but I need to do this alone."
"I get it." Kim replied, "It's why I will wait in the car for you, come on. I will drive you."
It was agonizing for her to watch as Adam sobbed as he stood at Al's grave, his knees had given way and he fell in a heap, she resisted the urge to race to his side.
Tonight he needed to do alone but tomorrow and the days after that she'd be there for him. She'd do for him what he had always done for her, she would have his back.
She longed for the day she'd also have his heart.