I don't own Calvin & Hobbes or any things I allude to.
Operation: SNAFU
"I CAN'T BELIEVE I TRUSTED YOU, CHARLIE!" You bellow into the phone, sending spittle flying, "NO, I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU AND FUCK THAT STUPID BIMBO OF YOURS! YOU'RE A REAL PIECE OF WORK, YOU KNOW THAT? NO, YOU DON'T GET TO APOLOGIZE! YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT US! DON'T EVER TALK TO ME AGAIN" You slam the phone down with a loud clatter, still foaming at the mouth. As you place your head in your hands, it takes all the willpower you have to not break down into tears. You're on a job, and the number one rule of babysitting is to not show weakness. If the Devil Child sees you crying, he'll never listen to you again. Speaking of which, the house has been unnervingly quiet. You turn around to see what he's up to and nearly jump out of your skin, because right behind you, standing silently, is a little spikey-haired blond boy.
"Roz?" He looks up to you with wide, innocent blue eyes, "What does 'bimbo' mean?"
Sss-nickerdoodles, you think. When did the kid get here? Before you can come up with a response, he asks another question that makes your heart sink down to your left pinky toe.
"And what does 'fuck' mean?"
It's what you are is what it means. Fucked. Completely. Your life is over, and the second that little freak's parents hear of this, poof. Dreams shattered. Game over. You're never going to college, but that's the least of your worries because if you're lucky, you're going to be working the drive-thru at the local McDonald's until you keel over and get intimately acquainted with the meat grinder. If only that cute plushy toy, Hobbes, was actually alive so you could crawl into his mouth and close his jaws around you.
"Roz? ROZZ!"
You snap out of it. "What?"
"Fuck you. Bimbo."
"WHAT?!"
"Yeah, what do they mean?"
Ok, so you overreacted a bit. Big deal. But now, you have a hole to dig yourself out of. "Well, Calvin..." You frantically flounder about, looking for a way to salvage the situation. You need a lifeline. Scratch that, you need the Coast Guard. "...Uh, well you see, Calvin, those are very special words. They should only be used with people you REALLY love, ok?" This could go up in smoke (with you at the stake) but it's your best shot. Anyways, there's no way that monster has the capacity to feel love.
"But Mom and Dad love me and I've never heard them say those words." Calvin's tilting his head adorably. You remind yourself that he is the devil incarnate so you don't do something you'll regret: like hug him.
"Exactly, kid. They love you, but those words are so special that they can't be used except for even deeper love." Ohh boy. Please, God, let this work out.
"But Hobbes never says that to me and he's my best friend in the whole wide world!"
How sad. You actually feel bad for Calvin, him being the socially stunted six year-old he is. "He probably doesn't know those. There's a special class that you take in high school that teaches them to you because it's only for adults."
"Ohhhh!" His eyes light up in understanding. "So what do they mean?"
This is it: the lie that could save your butt or slather gasoline on your skin. You exhale deeply. After a moment's pause, you look Calvin in the eyes and tell him with a straight face, "Kiddo, 'Bimbo' means 'Cutiepie.' And 'Fuck you' means 'I love you.' Alright? Now you have to keep this on the down low because if your parents find out that you know those words, they'll have to report both of us to the government to assign us a memory wipe. And let me tell you. Those procedures work only about half the time. That means there's a fifty percent chance that you or I could become drooling vegetables. Do you understand? Your life and mine are at stake!"
Calvin nods solemnly. "You got it, Roz."
The rest of the evening, you play it safe in the hopes that Calvin will forget about everything. You break out your stash of Kit Kats and let him go crazy with the icecream that his parents keep in the freezer. The clincher will be letting the wired kid stay up until 8:00 instead of his normal 6:30 bedtime. Surprisingly, he's really good and nothing crazy happens. You let yourself forget that the ordeal even happened.
Finally the night's over, and the house is still standing. Calvin's parents must have had a good time because they brought back a huge gift for Calvin. Not only that, but they're so impressed with the unexpected absence of destruction that they promise to double your pay from now on. You're almost out the door when your blood freezes.
"Hey mom, hey dad! Fuck you!"
Well, looks like you won't be getting to take advantage of that pay raise.
Omake
"So dad, who's this bimbo with you in this old prom picture?"
"THAT BIMBO IS YOUR MOTHER!"
"OH EW! I NEED BRAIN BLEACH!"
Years later, after being assigned to read the play, Oedipus Rex in literature class, Calvin came to school with sooty hands and an excuse: "My tiger ate my book!"
Calvin's parents' relationship never was the same afterwards. When confronted with a completely full ashtray, Calvin's father never could convince his wife that he hadn't relapsed, and although she denied it, it was obvious that she had thrown away his grandfather's heirloom lighter.