Hey everyone! So yeah, this is my first fanfic. It takes place towards the end of Allegiant by Veronica Roth (amazing book by the way. I cried. A lot) Most of the chapters will be told from Tris POV. So yeah, here's the first chapter, Enjoy! (The first few paragraphs are actual excerpts from the book)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Chapter 1: Not Done Yet
I feel aware of everything at once, the pressure of his mouth and the taste of our kiss and the texture of his skin and the orange light glowing against my closed eyelids and the smell of green things, growing things, in the air. When I pull away, and he opens his eyes, I see everything about them; the dart of light blue in his left eye, the dark blue that makes me feel like I am safe inside it, like I am dreaming.
"I love you" I say.
"I love you, too," he says. "I'll see you soon."
I love my brother. I love him, and he is quaking with terror at the thought of death. I love him and all I can think, all I can hear in my mind, are the words I said to him a few days ago: I would never deliver you to your execution.
"Caleb," I say. "Give me the backpack."
I also know, I just know, that I can survive this. I step into vestibule.
"I didn't come here to steal anything David." I twist and lunge toward the device. The gun goes off and pain races through my body. I don't even know where the bullet hit me. I can still here Caleb repeating the code to Matthew. With a quaking hand I type in the numbers on the keypad. The gun goes off again. More pain, and black edges on my vision, but I hear Caleb's voice speaking again. The green button. So much pain. I start to fall, and slam my hand into the keypad on the way down. I hear a beep and a churning sound.
My mother kneels down next to me and touches a cool hand to my cheek. "Am I done yet?" "Yes" she says her eyes bright with tears. "My dear child, you've done so well." I choke on a sob as the image of Tobias comes into my mind, of how dark and still his eyes were, how strong and warm his hand was, when we first stood face to face.
Can I be forgiven for all I've done to get here?
I want to be.
I can.
I believe it.
Hush, dear child. Slip into my warmth. Slip into a world where there is no harm. The lullaby my mother used to sing to me as a child echoes through my head. Suddenly, I am five years old again, my head in her lap as her nimble fingers run through my blonde hair. I must be really going now. I'm having flashbacks. But I don't want to go. Even if I can be forgiven, I don't want to. Please let me stay. Please.
I hear a gunshot, and a scream that sends a chill down my spine and feet shuffling. "Beatrice!" a voice yells. Caleb. I crane my neck to try and look at him, but I'm too weak. I see knees fall beside me. Firm hands grab my shoulders and turn me over sending excruciating pain into every inch of my body. My vision is blurred and black at the edges, but through the haze I can make out a face. "Oh my god" Caleb whimpers. "Caleb," I say hoarsely, "I'm okay." But I'm aware that I'm not. I'm lying in a pool of blood which is now spreading to my fingertips. I feel so dizzy that I can barely hear him, even though he is right in front of me. "Beatrice, listen to me" he says sharply. "I have to get you to a hospital, which means I have to lift you. And it's going to hurt you a lot, but it's the only way." I swallow, and nod, my fingers curling into my palm, dragging blood with it. "On three, okay? One..two..three.." I feel myself being lifted off the floor. Pain courses quickly through my body, making my whole vision go black for a few seconds. I clench my teeth to stop the scream that's making its way out of my throat. I squeeze my eyes shut. I don't want to die.
The pain remains constant as Caleb carries me through the hallways. He's trying to be as gentle as he can, but every flinch of movement sends a wave of pain through my body, making me wince, and occasionally yelp. He looks down at me. Tears are welled up in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Beatrice. I'm so sorry. I know it hurts, I know…" I don't know whether he's apologizing to me for the amount of pain I'm in or whether he let me run into the weapons lab in the first place. Maybe it's for everything. Everything he's ever done to hurt me. He's apologizing because he knows it's the last time he will probably see me. His last words to me. My stomach churns.
White ceiling tiles with holes spotted in them. The smell of chemicals wafting into my nostrils. We are at the hospital. The tiles go by quickly, and I try to focus on them rather than the pain; or the fact that I'm dying. "Help!" Caleb hollers. I hear wheels screeching on the floor, and feel Caleb lowering me onto something soft. A cot. A nurse's face appears above me. She looks at me stupidly, like she doesn't know who I am, even though she's the same nurse who put the stiches on my forehead just a few weeks ago. Then I remember. The memory serum. She is disoriented. A wave of panic sweeps over me. I know that the serum targets memories; not facts; but I can't help worrying that she might not have a clue what she's doing. She has to remove three bullets from my body; my life is in her hands. No, my life is in my own hands. And those hands are very brittle; breaking apart by the second.
The tiles go by quicker now, and I count them. One, two, three… my eyelids feel heavy. Four… My eyes snap open. Four. Tobias. I can't leave him. I'm the only person left that he loves. The only person who has shown him love after sixteen years of neglect and abuse and pain. I remember our first kiss in the chasm. How warm and soft his lips felt against mine. The passion and determination that we shared; and are still sharing. I love Tobias, he loves me. I am his, and he is mine, and that's the way it's been all along. I know I just have to fight through this for him. I can't leave him. I just can't.
I am rushed into a room; bright light blinds me for a second. Caleb is rushing alongside me, tears rolling down his face, as he tells me that it's okay, I'm okay over and over to comfort me. But it's not comforting. It terrifies me. I feel a sharp pain in my neck to see the nurse inserting a needle into it. She walks away, and Caleb drops to my side, and holds my hand in his. I squeeze back lightly. I don't want him to know how deeply terrified I am. The nurse comes back carrying a small knife. I swallow hard. She picks up my left arm and moves the blade towards it, when Caleb reaches for her hand to stop. "At least wait for the pain medication to kick in. That way she won't feel anything." The nurse shakes her head. "We don't have time." Caleb is now pleading with the nurse. "She's in enough pain already. Just look at her! She's sweating like an animal! Can't you just- "No" the nurse interrupts him in a harsh voice. "She's dying." Caleb's face is sickly white, his face still wet with tears. He looks down at me. I just give a small nod. He holds my hand tighter. "Okay, sweetie, this is going to hurt," the nurse tells me. "But I'm going to try to do this as quickly as I can. Okay?" I nod, and grit my teeth preparing for the pain. "Ready? On three. One, two, three."
I feel the knife as it digs through the wound in my arm. My grip on Caleb's hand tightens, and a scream dies in my throat. Instead I let out a yelp, high pitched filled with agony. I watch blood pour down my arm, dripping onto the bed sheets staining them a dark red. "Got the first one" the nurse says holding up the bullet, which is coated with my blood. She drops it into a metal tray beside her. "The last two are deep into your lower abdomen. It's going to hurt even more." I let out a groan. I could barely handle the first one. But I set my jaw and nod anyway. The nurse doesn't even give me a warning this time. I can feel the knife as it buries itself going deeper and deeper into my lower abdomen. The pain is much stronger now. I let out a scream of terror and pain and frustration and exhaustion together, so loud my ears are ringing. I don't realize how tight I'm squeezing Caleb's hand until I hear him yelp. "Sorry" I say, weakly. I want this to be over. Why can't this be over?
The pain decreases, and I look up to see the nurse dropping the second bullet into the tray. I gasp, and loosen my grip on Caleb's hand. "Last one, I promise," the nurse tells me. I can't do it. I can't. There's only so much pain a person can handle until they die, and I'm close to my breaking point. I close my eyes, hot tears spilling out of them. I hear a voice in my head. Be brave. That voice belongs to Tobias. Telling me to be brave before I went through my first simulation. Even though this is not a simulation, I have to have the same bravery I had then. I have to be brave; for him. For Tobias. My heart. My savior.
My love.
This time, when I feel the knife moving inside me, I scream Tobias's name. I scream his name over and over until my throat hurts hoping that if I do I could ignore the blinding pain I'm going through right now and focus on the main reason I have to survive this. I never want to leave him. I know that I can survive this. I can do it; I can. Caleb gives me a confused look, probably wondering why I'm yelling Tobias's name. Finally the pain has subsided into a dull ache. Sore from the aftermath, but not nearly as bad as before. The nurse smiles at me. "You're all done." She says. She grabs a wet cloth and dabs it over my wounds, cleaning them out. It stings, but I barely feel it. "I hate to tell you this, but you need surgery. Most of the damage was done to the inside of your body." She inserts another needle this time into my lower arm. "This will go into effect in about five minutes. I'll come back to take you into the operating room in a little bit." She removes her gloves, which are now blood stained and heads out.
The pain medicine is starting to kick in, turning everything into a dull throb. Caleb rushes over to the sink and scrubs his hands, which are sticky with my blood. When he turns back to me, his clothes are stained as well. Most of the fabric has turned to chrome red. He comes towards me carrying a white cloth. He kneels down next to me, and gently presses it to my forehead, mopping all the sweat that has collected there, as well as most of my hair. He smiles at me as he does it, and I try to smile back, but I'm so exhausted, all I can do is gaze up at him. He has my mother's eyes, which instantly brings me back to when I saw her in the weapons lab. Was she really there? Was I hallucinating from the blood loss and thought I saw her? No. She was there. I know it. "I love you so much," Caleb tells me. "I love you, too, Caleb," I say, my voice raspy from all the screaming. "That's why I did it. I couldn't let you run in there and sacrifice your life just to seek forgiveness from me. You're too…" I stop midsentence, I find even talking to be tiring. Caleb nods at me, his eyes still shining with tears. "I'm so proud of you. And you know that you could let go…if you really have to." But I don't want to let go. I don't want to ever let go. I want to hold on to this for all eternity. Life is a precious thing, and you don't get many second chances. I've learned that. I can feel the drugs pulling me into unconsciousness. I finally smile at Caleb.
"I'm not letting go." I touch my hand to his cheek, surprised of how pale it is, all the color drained from it. "I'm not going anywhere."
My eyes close, and when they do, I see a dove. A silky white color spreading its wings, as if it's embracing the air it's going into. Beautiful. But I know that dove is a symbol of protection. A symbol of hope. I know that I'm going to make it out okay.
I believe it.
End of Chapter 1! Yay! Just so you know, I've never been shot before, but I've heard its EXTREMLY PAINFUL, so I was trying to be as descriptive as possible! I am a HUGE fan of Divergent, by far the best trilogy I ever read! I can't wait for the movie (which comes out March 21st) I've seen the trailer at least 50 times! I hope they stay true to the book. Anyway, the main reason I wrote this fanfic was to ease my pain. The pain of Allegiant. For those of you who read it, you know what I'm saying.