Title: 29 Days
Author: Magicsunbeam
Email: magicsunbeam@ntlworld.com
Category: More angst - pure and simple angst/POV Jack
Pairing: None sniff
Rating: G
Season/sequel: Anytime after Enemies, opening episode for season 5.
Spoilers: Mmmm ~ TIDGEY one for Cold Lazarus. Possibly, perhaps, maybe.
Summary: This is a follow up to Sweet Little Lies & Aftermath.
Authors notes: Thanx to Sandra W, who sat up with me till 3.15..4.15 her time to have her first attempt at a beta. You did good, kid. Damn sight better than me anyway!( Camilla..I'm sorry, I'm a swine I know. Soz. J (
29 days.
29 days since Teal'c managed, with the aid of his staff weapon, to get me free of that oversized mantrap.
29 days since I was dragged mercilessly back to reality.
29 days since I lost Charlie and Sara - again.
----------------------------------------
At first, I felt desolated. I couldn't explain the sense of loss that had overtaken me. Not to anyone ~ not even Daniel. Of course, no one had any idea of what had happened in my head, while that plant was doing its flytrap thing on me. They hadn't a single clue about what I had seen, what I had felt or how perfect a lie it was.
A sweet little lie.
Even though I knew they were a figment of my drugged mind ~ just an illusion, they *felt* real. So much so, that when I had looked around to find `Charlie` and `Sara` gone... well let's just say, the bottom dropped out of my world once again.
I spent the first couple of those 29 days either feigning sleep or lying with my face to the wall, unable to bring myself to speak to anyone. Hell at that stage, I don't even know if I was capable of stringing together a sentence, let alone hold a conversation.
I know I scared the crap out of Doc and my team ~ probably old George too, but at that point in time I wasn't ready to look the world in the eye.
Looking back on it now, I know part of the reason the depression was so bad, was the fact that I had that alien drug running around in my system. I think Doc probably had visions of having to call on McKenzie. God bless her, knowing how I *love* that guy, she wasn't going to let that happen. No, she saw what was happening, figured out the root of the problem (to a certain extent) and set about trying to fix it, the only way she knew how.
With the help of my team, my kids. My friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They took turns in sitting with me. Talking to me. Actually, Teal'c rarely spoke but I knew he was there, I could feel his presence. At first, I was barely aware of their voices. I didn't actually *hear* what they were saying, I wasn't interested. It just went over my head, whistling Dixie as it went. Then slowly, like waking from some long sleep, their words began to get through. They were telling me what was going on with the SGC. Filling me in on some of the more interesting missions the other teams had been on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the second night I woke from a nightmare, convinced I was back in the clutches of that damned plant. As I struggled to get myself free, I slowly became aware of Daniels voice.
"Jack. Jack come on, wake up. You're dreaming."
When my senses came back online, I found Daniel sitting on the bed with me. He was holding my arms down ~ trying to stop me doing any more damage to my shoulder, I think ~ his faced filled with worry.
"It's okay," he assured me. "You had a bad dream. Everything's okay."
A long, shuddering sigh left my body, as I pulled myself free.
"It's not okay, Daniel." I muttered, rolling away from him, to face `my` wall again.
There was a long silence. Long enough for me to think he was going to leave me alone. No such luck.
"You want to tell me what happened back there?" he asked. "It might help to talk about it."
"I was nabbed by a carnivorous plant, Daniel. Go figure." I snapped.
"I'm trying to." He said softly, concern in his voice.
I didn't answer. I just wanted him to go away and leave me alone. I wanted to stay there in my own little shell, away from the world and its questions and prying eyes.
Pathetic, huh?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a week or so, Doc came to my rescue once again and allowed me to go home. There were of course, the usual restrictions ~ someone to baby sit, rest, no beer, rest, no late night parties out on the deck, rest, no loose women. Oh, and did I mention rest?
All this resting makes Jack a dull boy, but as long as I could stay out of the way and was left alone, it suited me down to the ground. Like *that* was going to happen with Daniel around.
Sure enough, Daniel fussed.
I don't know if it was a deliberate ploy to get me to open my mouth, (on the premise of, an angry reaction is better than no reaction at all) but it worked. After 4 days of constant ~ "How are doing, Jack?" " Do you want to talk about it, Jack?" "Can I get you anything, Jack?" "Why don't you get some rest, Jack?" ~ I finally lost it with him. Lost it big time too.
He was shocked when I screamed at him to get the hell out of my house, and was staggered when, after he dared to hesitate, I physically *put* him out. I remember, after I deposited him on the drive, I slammed the door shut, sank to the floor and (don't *dare* tell anyone) I cried.
I cried for Charlie, and for the `dream` Charlie. I cried for Sara, and for the `dream` Sara. I cried for Charlie Kawalsky, Frank Cromwell, Sha`re, and Skaara. I didn't know I had so many of those damn tears locked away and I'll be frank, it scares me to think about it.
I don't remember falling asleep, but I did.
When I woke, I was cold and sore from lying on the wood floor. I managed to pull myself together enough to get myself to the bedroom. Too exhausted to take my clothes off, I crawled into bed and burrowed down into the warmth of the quilt. Weariness quickly over took me and I drifted off into sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*** "I do *not* snore!" ~~~~~ "Oh, yes. Yes, you do." ~~~~ "Do not." ~~~~~ "Do too." ~~~~ "Not." ~~~~~ "Do." ~~~~ ** "You wouldn't hurt me and Mom, would you Dad?" ~~~~~ "I'm sorry, Dad. I know you wouldn't shoot me." ** ~~~~ **`Listen to him, Jack. This is wrong. It's all been wrong. You have to trust Daniel, he's trying to help you. They aren't real. Charlie and Sara aren't real. Charlie's dead Jack. Remember? He shot himself. You have to try to remember. ` ~~~~~ "Dad?" ** ~~~~
**** It was the most perfect of days.
The sun was shining in a clear blue sky, I had got away from work early and had planned a surprise evening out, just me and Sara and Charlie. I was sat in my garden with the woman I loved, completely at peace with the world. The next second, that peace was shattered into a million tiny bits, as the sound of a single gunshot ripped through the afternoon air.**** ~~~~~
"CHARLIE!"
I tried to run, only to find I could barely move. Struggling against the ties that bound me, I could hear my heart pounding wildly in my ears. For a long moment, I had no idea where I was. When my senses returned, I found myself still in my own bed, tangled up in twisted sheets. I then became aware of a voice, speaking to me in a steady rhythm. Calming, comforting, quieting.
"Sir, can you hear me? It's okay, you were dreaming again."
Carter? What the hell was Carter doing here?
I turned my head to look at her, blinking at the tiny drops of sweat threatening my vision.
"Try to relax, Sir. You were having a bad dream." She said, concern clearly showing as she used a cloth to wipe the sheen from my face.
I closed my eyes again, trying to gather my thoughts together. When I opened them again, she was still there.
"Carter, what are you doing here?" I asked, lungs still heaving.
Her expression changed to one of embarrassment.
"Daniel called me, Sir. He told me you had thrown him out." By her tone, it was clear she hadn't believed Daniel. That everything had been some sort of mistake. A misunderstanding.
"I did."
"You did? Sir, you know what Janet said. She didn't want you left alone yet, you're not well enough yet...."
"CARTER!"
She stopped dead in her tracks.
"You're babbling, and way worse than Daniel!"
She floundered long enough for me to continue.
"I'm fine Carter. I just need some time to myself. As in, just *me*."
A voice from the doorway made me jump.
"Sorry Colonel, but that's not going to happen just yet."
Fraiser.
Cool as ever, she came over and stood in front of me, effectively halting my protests.
"Oh for cryin` out loud!" I muttered, attempting to get out of the bed.
Bad move for two reasons. Firstly, the room started to spin on its head and if that wasn't enough, I noted that all my clothes bar the boxers had been removed.
"God dammit to hell!" I raged. "Can't a guy get some privacy in his own home?"
"Now Colonel. The way I see it, we can play this game two ways." She stated calmly, totally ignoring my outburst. "You can either get back into that bed, *right* now, or I can call the Mountain and have them send an ambulance and we can carry on this little `discussion` in the infirmary."
Damn power monger.
"I'm fine." I told her.
"With all due respect, Sir. The *hell* you are." She came back at me. "When Major Carter found you, you were still in your clothes, incoherent, and running a fever. She rang me and between us we managed to get you out of those wet clothes and start you on a fresh course of anti-biotic, all without you even batting an eyelash. That was nearly thirteen hours ago."
She was on a roll and for one weird moment, McFadden and Whiteheads `Ain't no stopping us now. ` sprang to mind.
I couldn't swear to it, but I think she was pleased to be laying down the law again. That had to have been the closest they had gotten to a conversation, since we got back from that damned planet. Maybe my lack of arguing had un-nerved her?
"Now Sir, what's it to be? Bed here or bed in the infirmary?" I knew she meant business.
Scowling, I swung my legs back under the covers.
Fraiser nodded with satisfaction and Carter sighed with relief.
"Good choice, Colonel." Fraiser congratulated me. "Now, despite what you may think, you need to rest some more. Sam and I have some things to do downstairs, so we're going to go and let you sleep. If you need anything, call."
They had some things to do, huh? `Like arranging another damned baby sitting roster, no doubt. ` I griped to myself. Why couldn't they just go away and leave me in peace?
I'll be honest with you, I was weary, pooped out, done in, or as my buddy from Chulak would say ~ I was canine fatigued. I let my eyes shut and listening to the quiet voices floating up my stairs, I drifted off into a dreamless sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I spent the next day or two under the beady eyes of Carter and Fraiser. Teal'c stopped by a couple of times, but I noted with growing concern, that Daniel had come nowhere near since the day I threw him out.
"He's just giving you the space he thinks you need, Sir." Carter told me.
"I didn't *want* him to stay away, I just wanted him to stop with the fussing."
Carter smiled. "I'll make sure he knows that."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*** I know we come here a lot, just me and Sara and Charlie. I can't quite recall the name of the place, which is a bit odd, but it doesn't really matter.
Sitting here on top of this hill, under shade of a huge oak, I can see for miles around. The sun is in the sky, the birds are in the trees. God is in his heaven and all is right with my world. As I watch Sara and Charlie horsing around in the meadow just below, I can't help but smile. This is all just so perfect.
A feel a beam of sunlight break through the trees canopy and settle on my head. I lift my face to it, close my eyes and letting it warm my face, I listen to the giggling coming from the meadow.
Lost it my thoughts, it's a long moment before I realise the giggling has been replaced by silence. Curious, I open my eyes.
My heart leaps in my chest when I see both Sara and Charlie entangled in some sort of huge plant. Both are struggling, mouths open in silent screams.
I'm already on my feet and running and to my horror, as I get closer I notice a few of the plants tendrils have gaping maws, filled with huge, needle like teeth.
I'm running as hard as I can, but seem to be getting nowhere. As I look up, one of those tendrils lashes out towards Charlie and I hear a scream. ***
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"CHARLIEEEEEEEEEEE!"
This time I came to in a blind panic. For a long while I had no idea where I was, what day it was or even who I was. All my mind would let me see was that damn ugly maw striking out at Charlie.
When my senses *did* return I found myself to be shaking uncontrollably, sweat was hailing out of me and I had to heave the air into my lungs.
Talk about your honkin` nightmare.
I was vaguely aware of hands on my chest, trying to get me to lie back down. There were words too, but my mind was too fried to even try to make any sense of them. I closed my eyes and mentally struggled to calm down.
When I opened my eyes again some minutes later, I found a pair of wide, blue eyes staring back at me.
Daniel.
"Are you back, Jack?" he asked, sitting himself, somewhat apprehensively in the chair next to the bed.
"Mm." I grunted. Brilliant answer I know, but I was sure if I opened my mouth then, I could well have lost my breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Whatever the hell I had eaten last.
I waved away the glass of water Daniel offered and tried to pull myself further up the bed. Once again the sheets were damp and twisted up into a pile, evidence of the struggle I had had with my sub consciousness.
After another long moment I turned to meet Daniels concerned gaze.
"I'm okay, Daniel. It was a bad dream, nothing more."
"Hell of a bad dream." He stated sympathetically.
Closing my eyes, I didn't answer. It was all still too real to think about it.
I heard Daniel get up and leave the room. I heard water running in the bathroom, then he returned offering me a cold cloth. I took it but then decided a shower would feel better. While I did that, he went off downstairs to make me a sandwich. Determined soul is our Daniel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was right. It did feel better. Since I was on my feet, I decided to put some clothes on and went out through the French windows and onto the observation deck.
To my disappointment, the skies were clouded and a storm was brewing in the distance. Since the rain hadn't arrived yet, I sank down into a deck chair to watch the light show.
A few minutes later Daniel appeared, sandwich in one hand and a glass of milk in the other. He placed them down on the table in front of me and took a seat opposite.
I looked at white stuff and shook my head, a small smile coming to my lips.
"What?" Daniel asked.
"Nothing. Just reminds me of Ma."
"Ma?" His eyebrows lifted.
"She used to think hot milk was the answer to all the worlds troubles, too."
A slightly puzzled expression crossed his face. "I doubt it'll be the end to your troubles, Jack, but it may help you sleep a little better."
I couldn't stop the cynical laugh.
"Daniel, the only thing that will make me sleep better is a Beretta."
I really don't know who was the more surprised. Yeah, I do and it wasn't me.
"Daniel, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. And I'm sorry for throwing you out. I know you were trying to help but.."
"But I was being a pain in the ass." He interrupted.
Grinning I said, "Well I wasn't going to go that far but, now that you mention it. Yeah."
"We're worried about you, Jack. That's all. It's hard to miss the fact you have a problem, when it's evident that you'd rather stare at a wall, than to talk about it with your friends."
"There's nothing to talk about Daniel."
A flash of lightening lit up the sky, making us both jump.
"Oh Jack, please!" Daniel came back sarcastically, waving a hand at the skies. "Even *Odin* doesn't believe that."
I could feel my cool starting to slip again as he went on.
"We're *supposed* to be friends, Jack. Friends talk to each other. God, look at you! You can't even *look* at me!"
I realised he was right. I had been avoiding his eyes and I didn't even know it.
"Okay," I rounded on him. "What exactly is it you want to know, Daniel?"
"I want to know what I can do to help." He replied sadly. "I know there is more to this ~ depression of yours. It's more than a hole in your shoulder and chemicals in your bloodstream."
A roll of thunder cracked over our heads as I snapped back at him.
"How the hell would you know *what* it has to do with, Daniel? You didn't even know that thing had a hold of me. You didn't know what was happening, what was going on in my head. What that damn thing had me *believe* was happening."
"Then *tell* me, Jack. Tell me what I don't understand." He implored. "What happened to you back there, that makes you hide from the people who care about you? That would have you make that stupid comment about a gun? That has you waking up, night after night for almost three weeks screaming for your son?"
An enormous flash of forked lightening split the sky, lighting up the backdrop of mountains for miles around. It was immediately followed by a crack of thunder that shook the house beneath our feet.
Neither of us moved and for a long time, neither of us spoke.
Large spots of rain began to fall. Slow, thick drops at first, gradually increasing to a downpour. Finally, Daniel sighed and got to his feet.
"I think we'd better move inside."
"I believed it."
I still don't know how I got those first words out.
"Believed what?" Daniel turned back to face me.
"I believed the lies."
Daniel sat back down in the chair, the rain, thunder and lightening now forgotten. He didn't say another word for a long time. He just let me talk.
"I believed Charlie was alive. I believed Sara and me were okay. I believed we still had our perfect little life." I scrubbed a hand across my tired face and sighed. "It was all so damned real, Daniel."
Another fork of lightening ripped across the sky before us.
"I *know* it was a hallucination, but everything was crystal clear. Not like a dream at all. It felt as if I was living a real life. It was so vivid.
I remember Charlie got upset because he overheard Sara and Mike talking one night. He asked me if I would hurt him. I held him as he cried and I can still feel him trembling.
We had a barbeque. I can remember the smell of the steaks. Kawalsky turned up with a woman I'd never seen before, turned out to be his girlfriend. Can't ever remember seeing Charlie so happy. Sara told me Frank Cromwell was alive and well.
It all seemed so perfect. Just as it was before..."
A lump appeared in my throat. The words wouldn't come and I wasn't about to force them. So we sat in the pouring rain for a little while longer, neither of us able to find the words.
Finally, the cold got to me. Daniel noticed I was shaking and insisted we go inside. I changed into some dry clothes, Daniel had some spare clothing still in his old bedroom. By the time I got myself sorted, he had made some coffee and lit the fire. I folded myself up into my favourite chair and lost myself in the leaping flames.
You know the one thing I've noticed about my team is, that when it really matters they *do* know when to stop pushing. We must have been sat there about an hour, before I spoke again.
"I feel cheated."
Once again, Daniel said nothing. He just sat and listened. I reckon it must have been the novelty of having me spill my guts.
"Five years ago, I had my life snatched from me. Everything I ever wanted was gone within the blink of an eye. When I woke up in the infirmary, it felt like I had my life snatched away for the second time. I *know* what I believed was a lie. I know it was the drugs that made it feel so real. I also know you guys did what had to be done. But Daniel, I was so damned happy, I would have gladly died there and then, believing the lie."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I still can't believe I spilled like that, but I'm glad I did. Just having Daniel sit there and listen, not to interrupt or try to comfort, did more good than he will ever know.
Someday, I'm going to make sure he does.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
29 days.
29 days since my friends pulled me free of that over-sized mantrap.
29 days since I was brought back to the safe keeping of another friend. Janet Fraiser.
29 days since I lost a false memory and gained a closer knit `family.`
Standing here in front of the event horizon for the first time in 29 days, I take a moment to look around me. I find General Hammond and Doc standing in the control room overlooking the gate. George catches my eye and gives the slightest of nods. Doc just smiles. Siler is fiddling with something nearby and is pretending to take no notice.
I then look to my `kids.` They make no attempt to hide their thoughts. Carter is beaming. Daniel is excited and beaming, and Teal'c is ~ Teal'c.
Shifting my backpack, I throw them a questioning look.
"Ready, kids?"
"I am, Sir." Says Carter.
"Me too." Says Daniel.
"As am I." Says Teal'c.
I have no chance of stopping the huge grin spreading across my face, just imagining how high Teal'c will lift those eyebrows at my next comment.
"Lets go girls." I call and step into blue swirls.
~~~ end ~~~
Author: Magicsunbeam
Email: magicsunbeam@ntlworld.com
Category: More angst - pure and simple angst/POV Jack
Pairing: None sniff
Rating: G
Season/sequel: Anytime after Enemies, opening episode for season 5.
Spoilers: Mmmm ~ TIDGEY one for Cold Lazarus. Possibly, perhaps, maybe.
Summary: This is a follow up to Sweet Little Lies & Aftermath.
Authors notes: Thanx to Sandra W, who sat up with me till 3.15..4.15 her time to have her first attempt at a beta. You did good, kid. Damn sight better than me anyway!( Camilla..I'm sorry, I'm a swine I know. Soz. J (
29 days.
29 days since Teal'c managed, with the aid of his staff weapon, to get me free of that oversized mantrap.
29 days since I was dragged mercilessly back to reality.
29 days since I lost Charlie and Sara - again.
----------------------------------------
At first, I felt desolated. I couldn't explain the sense of loss that had overtaken me. Not to anyone ~ not even Daniel. Of course, no one had any idea of what had happened in my head, while that plant was doing its flytrap thing on me. They hadn't a single clue about what I had seen, what I had felt or how perfect a lie it was.
A sweet little lie.
Even though I knew they were a figment of my drugged mind ~ just an illusion, they *felt* real. So much so, that when I had looked around to find `Charlie` and `Sara` gone... well let's just say, the bottom dropped out of my world once again.
I spent the first couple of those 29 days either feigning sleep or lying with my face to the wall, unable to bring myself to speak to anyone. Hell at that stage, I don't even know if I was capable of stringing together a sentence, let alone hold a conversation.
I know I scared the crap out of Doc and my team ~ probably old George too, but at that point in time I wasn't ready to look the world in the eye.
Looking back on it now, I know part of the reason the depression was so bad, was the fact that I had that alien drug running around in my system. I think Doc probably had visions of having to call on McKenzie. God bless her, knowing how I *love* that guy, she wasn't going to let that happen. No, she saw what was happening, figured out the root of the problem (to a certain extent) and set about trying to fix it, the only way she knew how.
With the help of my team, my kids. My friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They took turns in sitting with me. Talking to me. Actually, Teal'c rarely spoke but I knew he was there, I could feel his presence. At first, I was barely aware of their voices. I didn't actually *hear* what they were saying, I wasn't interested. It just went over my head, whistling Dixie as it went. Then slowly, like waking from some long sleep, their words began to get through. They were telling me what was going on with the SGC. Filling me in on some of the more interesting missions the other teams had been on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the second night I woke from a nightmare, convinced I was back in the clutches of that damned plant. As I struggled to get myself free, I slowly became aware of Daniels voice.
"Jack. Jack come on, wake up. You're dreaming."
When my senses came back online, I found Daniel sitting on the bed with me. He was holding my arms down ~ trying to stop me doing any more damage to my shoulder, I think ~ his faced filled with worry.
"It's okay," he assured me. "You had a bad dream. Everything's okay."
A long, shuddering sigh left my body, as I pulled myself free.
"It's not okay, Daniel." I muttered, rolling away from him, to face `my` wall again.
There was a long silence. Long enough for me to think he was going to leave me alone. No such luck.
"You want to tell me what happened back there?" he asked. "It might help to talk about it."
"I was nabbed by a carnivorous plant, Daniel. Go figure." I snapped.
"I'm trying to." He said softly, concern in his voice.
I didn't answer. I just wanted him to go away and leave me alone. I wanted to stay there in my own little shell, away from the world and its questions and prying eyes.
Pathetic, huh?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a week or so, Doc came to my rescue once again and allowed me to go home. There were of course, the usual restrictions ~ someone to baby sit, rest, no beer, rest, no late night parties out on the deck, rest, no loose women. Oh, and did I mention rest?
All this resting makes Jack a dull boy, but as long as I could stay out of the way and was left alone, it suited me down to the ground. Like *that* was going to happen with Daniel around.
Sure enough, Daniel fussed.
I don't know if it was a deliberate ploy to get me to open my mouth, (on the premise of, an angry reaction is better than no reaction at all) but it worked. After 4 days of constant ~ "How are doing, Jack?" " Do you want to talk about it, Jack?" "Can I get you anything, Jack?" "Why don't you get some rest, Jack?" ~ I finally lost it with him. Lost it big time too.
He was shocked when I screamed at him to get the hell out of my house, and was staggered when, after he dared to hesitate, I physically *put* him out. I remember, after I deposited him on the drive, I slammed the door shut, sank to the floor and (don't *dare* tell anyone) I cried.
I cried for Charlie, and for the `dream` Charlie. I cried for Sara, and for the `dream` Sara. I cried for Charlie Kawalsky, Frank Cromwell, Sha`re, and Skaara. I didn't know I had so many of those damn tears locked away and I'll be frank, it scares me to think about it.
I don't remember falling asleep, but I did.
When I woke, I was cold and sore from lying on the wood floor. I managed to pull myself together enough to get myself to the bedroom. Too exhausted to take my clothes off, I crawled into bed and burrowed down into the warmth of the quilt. Weariness quickly over took me and I drifted off into sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*** "I do *not* snore!" ~~~~~ "Oh, yes. Yes, you do." ~~~~ "Do not." ~~~~~ "Do too." ~~~~ "Not." ~~~~~ "Do." ~~~~ ** "You wouldn't hurt me and Mom, would you Dad?" ~~~~~ "I'm sorry, Dad. I know you wouldn't shoot me." ** ~~~~ **`Listen to him, Jack. This is wrong. It's all been wrong. You have to trust Daniel, he's trying to help you. They aren't real. Charlie and Sara aren't real. Charlie's dead Jack. Remember? He shot himself. You have to try to remember. ` ~~~~~ "Dad?" ** ~~~~
**** It was the most perfect of days.
The sun was shining in a clear blue sky, I had got away from work early and had planned a surprise evening out, just me and Sara and Charlie. I was sat in my garden with the woman I loved, completely at peace with the world. The next second, that peace was shattered into a million tiny bits, as the sound of a single gunshot ripped through the afternoon air.**** ~~~~~
"CHARLIE!"
I tried to run, only to find I could barely move. Struggling against the ties that bound me, I could hear my heart pounding wildly in my ears. For a long moment, I had no idea where I was. When my senses returned, I found myself still in my own bed, tangled up in twisted sheets. I then became aware of a voice, speaking to me in a steady rhythm. Calming, comforting, quieting.
"Sir, can you hear me? It's okay, you were dreaming again."
Carter? What the hell was Carter doing here?
I turned my head to look at her, blinking at the tiny drops of sweat threatening my vision.
"Try to relax, Sir. You were having a bad dream." She said, concern clearly showing as she used a cloth to wipe the sheen from my face.
I closed my eyes again, trying to gather my thoughts together. When I opened them again, she was still there.
"Carter, what are you doing here?" I asked, lungs still heaving.
Her expression changed to one of embarrassment.
"Daniel called me, Sir. He told me you had thrown him out." By her tone, it was clear she hadn't believed Daniel. That everything had been some sort of mistake. A misunderstanding.
"I did."
"You did? Sir, you know what Janet said. She didn't want you left alone yet, you're not well enough yet...."
"CARTER!"
She stopped dead in her tracks.
"You're babbling, and way worse than Daniel!"
She floundered long enough for me to continue.
"I'm fine Carter. I just need some time to myself. As in, just *me*."
A voice from the doorway made me jump.
"Sorry Colonel, but that's not going to happen just yet."
Fraiser.
Cool as ever, she came over and stood in front of me, effectively halting my protests.
"Oh for cryin` out loud!" I muttered, attempting to get out of the bed.
Bad move for two reasons. Firstly, the room started to spin on its head and if that wasn't enough, I noted that all my clothes bar the boxers had been removed.
"God dammit to hell!" I raged. "Can't a guy get some privacy in his own home?"
"Now Colonel. The way I see it, we can play this game two ways." She stated calmly, totally ignoring my outburst. "You can either get back into that bed, *right* now, or I can call the Mountain and have them send an ambulance and we can carry on this little `discussion` in the infirmary."
Damn power monger.
"I'm fine." I told her.
"With all due respect, Sir. The *hell* you are." She came back at me. "When Major Carter found you, you were still in your clothes, incoherent, and running a fever. She rang me and between us we managed to get you out of those wet clothes and start you on a fresh course of anti-biotic, all without you even batting an eyelash. That was nearly thirteen hours ago."
She was on a roll and for one weird moment, McFadden and Whiteheads `Ain't no stopping us now. ` sprang to mind.
I couldn't swear to it, but I think she was pleased to be laying down the law again. That had to have been the closest they had gotten to a conversation, since we got back from that damned planet. Maybe my lack of arguing had un-nerved her?
"Now Sir, what's it to be? Bed here or bed in the infirmary?" I knew she meant business.
Scowling, I swung my legs back under the covers.
Fraiser nodded with satisfaction and Carter sighed with relief.
"Good choice, Colonel." Fraiser congratulated me. "Now, despite what you may think, you need to rest some more. Sam and I have some things to do downstairs, so we're going to go and let you sleep. If you need anything, call."
They had some things to do, huh? `Like arranging another damned baby sitting roster, no doubt. ` I griped to myself. Why couldn't they just go away and leave me in peace?
I'll be honest with you, I was weary, pooped out, done in, or as my buddy from Chulak would say ~ I was canine fatigued. I let my eyes shut and listening to the quiet voices floating up my stairs, I drifted off into a dreamless sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I spent the next day or two under the beady eyes of Carter and Fraiser. Teal'c stopped by a couple of times, but I noted with growing concern, that Daniel had come nowhere near since the day I threw him out.
"He's just giving you the space he thinks you need, Sir." Carter told me.
"I didn't *want* him to stay away, I just wanted him to stop with the fussing."
Carter smiled. "I'll make sure he knows that."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*** I know we come here a lot, just me and Sara and Charlie. I can't quite recall the name of the place, which is a bit odd, but it doesn't really matter.
Sitting here on top of this hill, under shade of a huge oak, I can see for miles around. The sun is in the sky, the birds are in the trees. God is in his heaven and all is right with my world. As I watch Sara and Charlie horsing around in the meadow just below, I can't help but smile. This is all just so perfect.
A feel a beam of sunlight break through the trees canopy and settle on my head. I lift my face to it, close my eyes and letting it warm my face, I listen to the giggling coming from the meadow.
Lost it my thoughts, it's a long moment before I realise the giggling has been replaced by silence. Curious, I open my eyes.
My heart leaps in my chest when I see both Sara and Charlie entangled in some sort of huge plant. Both are struggling, mouths open in silent screams.
I'm already on my feet and running and to my horror, as I get closer I notice a few of the plants tendrils have gaping maws, filled with huge, needle like teeth.
I'm running as hard as I can, but seem to be getting nowhere. As I look up, one of those tendrils lashes out towards Charlie and I hear a scream. ***
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"CHARLIEEEEEEEEEEE!"
This time I came to in a blind panic. For a long while I had no idea where I was, what day it was or even who I was. All my mind would let me see was that damn ugly maw striking out at Charlie.
When my senses *did* return I found myself to be shaking uncontrollably, sweat was hailing out of me and I had to heave the air into my lungs.
Talk about your honkin` nightmare.
I was vaguely aware of hands on my chest, trying to get me to lie back down. There were words too, but my mind was too fried to even try to make any sense of them. I closed my eyes and mentally struggled to calm down.
When I opened my eyes again some minutes later, I found a pair of wide, blue eyes staring back at me.
Daniel.
"Are you back, Jack?" he asked, sitting himself, somewhat apprehensively in the chair next to the bed.
"Mm." I grunted. Brilliant answer I know, but I was sure if I opened my mouth then, I could well have lost my breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Whatever the hell I had eaten last.
I waved away the glass of water Daniel offered and tried to pull myself further up the bed. Once again the sheets were damp and twisted up into a pile, evidence of the struggle I had had with my sub consciousness.
After another long moment I turned to meet Daniels concerned gaze.
"I'm okay, Daniel. It was a bad dream, nothing more."
"Hell of a bad dream." He stated sympathetically.
Closing my eyes, I didn't answer. It was all still too real to think about it.
I heard Daniel get up and leave the room. I heard water running in the bathroom, then he returned offering me a cold cloth. I took it but then decided a shower would feel better. While I did that, he went off downstairs to make me a sandwich. Determined soul is our Daniel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was right. It did feel better. Since I was on my feet, I decided to put some clothes on and went out through the French windows and onto the observation deck.
To my disappointment, the skies were clouded and a storm was brewing in the distance. Since the rain hadn't arrived yet, I sank down into a deck chair to watch the light show.
A few minutes later Daniel appeared, sandwich in one hand and a glass of milk in the other. He placed them down on the table in front of me and took a seat opposite.
I looked at white stuff and shook my head, a small smile coming to my lips.
"What?" Daniel asked.
"Nothing. Just reminds me of Ma."
"Ma?" His eyebrows lifted.
"She used to think hot milk was the answer to all the worlds troubles, too."
A slightly puzzled expression crossed his face. "I doubt it'll be the end to your troubles, Jack, but it may help you sleep a little better."
I couldn't stop the cynical laugh.
"Daniel, the only thing that will make me sleep better is a Beretta."
I really don't know who was the more surprised. Yeah, I do and it wasn't me.
"Daniel, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. And I'm sorry for throwing you out. I know you were trying to help but.."
"But I was being a pain in the ass." He interrupted.
Grinning I said, "Well I wasn't going to go that far but, now that you mention it. Yeah."
"We're worried about you, Jack. That's all. It's hard to miss the fact you have a problem, when it's evident that you'd rather stare at a wall, than to talk about it with your friends."
"There's nothing to talk about Daniel."
A flash of lightening lit up the sky, making us both jump.
"Oh Jack, please!" Daniel came back sarcastically, waving a hand at the skies. "Even *Odin* doesn't believe that."
I could feel my cool starting to slip again as he went on.
"We're *supposed* to be friends, Jack. Friends talk to each other. God, look at you! You can't even *look* at me!"
I realised he was right. I had been avoiding his eyes and I didn't even know it.
"Okay," I rounded on him. "What exactly is it you want to know, Daniel?"
"I want to know what I can do to help." He replied sadly. "I know there is more to this ~ depression of yours. It's more than a hole in your shoulder and chemicals in your bloodstream."
A roll of thunder cracked over our heads as I snapped back at him.
"How the hell would you know *what* it has to do with, Daniel? You didn't even know that thing had a hold of me. You didn't know what was happening, what was going on in my head. What that damn thing had me *believe* was happening."
"Then *tell* me, Jack. Tell me what I don't understand." He implored. "What happened to you back there, that makes you hide from the people who care about you? That would have you make that stupid comment about a gun? That has you waking up, night after night for almost three weeks screaming for your son?"
An enormous flash of forked lightening split the sky, lighting up the backdrop of mountains for miles around. It was immediately followed by a crack of thunder that shook the house beneath our feet.
Neither of us moved and for a long time, neither of us spoke.
Large spots of rain began to fall. Slow, thick drops at first, gradually increasing to a downpour. Finally, Daniel sighed and got to his feet.
"I think we'd better move inside."
"I believed it."
I still don't know how I got those first words out.
"Believed what?" Daniel turned back to face me.
"I believed the lies."
Daniel sat back down in the chair, the rain, thunder and lightening now forgotten. He didn't say another word for a long time. He just let me talk.
"I believed Charlie was alive. I believed Sara and me were okay. I believed we still had our perfect little life." I scrubbed a hand across my tired face and sighed. "It was all so damned real, Daniel."
Another fork of lightening ripped across the sky before us.
"I *know* it was a hallucination, but everything was crystal clear. Not like a dream at all. It felt as if I was living a real life. It was so vivid.
I remember Charlie got upset because he overheard Sara and Mike talking one night. He asked me if I would hurt him. I held him as he cried and I can still feel him trembling.
We had a barbeque. I can remember the smell of the steaks. Kawalsky turned up with a woman I'd never seen before, turned out to be his girlfriend. Can't ever remember seeing Charlie so happy. Sara told me Frank Cromwell was alive and well.
It all seemed so perfect. Just as it was before..."
A lump appeared in my throat. The words wouldn't come and I wasn't about to force them. So we sat in the pouring rain for a little while longer, neither of us able to find the words.
Finally, the cold got to me. Daniel noticed I was shaking and insisted we go inside. I changed into some dry clothes, Daniel had some spare clothing still in his old bedroom. By the time I got myself sorted, he had made some coffee and lit the fire. I folded myself up into my favourite chair and lost myself in the leaping flames.
You know the one thing I've noticed about my team is, that when it really matters they *do* know when to stop pushing. We must have been sat there about an hour, before I spoke again.
"I feel cheated."
Once again, Daniel said nothing. He just sat and listened. I reckon it must have been the novelty of having me spill my guts.
"Five years ago, I had my life snatched from me. Everything I ever wanted was gone within the blink of an eye. When I woke up in the infirmary, it felt like I had my life snatched away for the second time. I *know* what I believed was a lie. I know it was the drugs that made it feel so real. I also know you guys did what had to be done. But Daniel, I was so damned happy, I would have gladly died there and then, believing the lie."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I still can't believe I spilled like that, but I'm glad I did. Just having Daniel sit there and listen, not to interrupt or try to comfort, did more good than he will ever know.
Someday, I'm going to make sure he does.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
29 days.
29 days since my friends pulled me free of that over-sized mantrap.
29 days since I was brought back to the safe keeping of another friend. Janet Fraiser.
29 days since I lost a false memory and gained a closer knit `family.`
Standing here in front of the event horizon for the first time in 29 days, I take a moment to look around me. I find General Hammond and Doc standing in the control room overlooking the gate. George catches my eye and gives the slightest of nods. Doc just smiles. Siler is fiddling with something nearby and is pretending to take no notice.
I then look to my `kids.` They make no attempt to hide their thoughts. Carter is beaming. Daniel is excited and beaming, and Teal'c is ~ Teal'c.
Shifting my backpack, I throw them a questioning look.
"Ready, kids?"
"I am, Sir." Says Carter.
"Me too." Says Daniel.
"As am I." Says Teal'c.
I have no chance of stopping the huge grin spreading across my face, just imagining how high Teal'c will lift those eyebrows at my next comment.
"Lets go girls." I call and step into blue swirls.
~~~ end ~~~