How to Prevent a Coup
A Naruto Crackfic
by
EvilFuzzy9
A/N: Saving the world through kinky sex parties – because Minato is the Pimp King and Kushina his MILF Queen. Also because I am a goddamn incorrigible pervert and this idea came into my head while the intartubes were down at my place, keepin' me from uploading the next chapter of Om Nom Nom, Hamster-chan!.
Step One
Over the years, many have postulated on the underlying causes of the Uchiha Massacre and the planned coup that necessitated it. Many have also proposed ways that it could have been prevented. But the one solution no one has ever suggested was also the one that would have worked the best.
Minato Namikaze, Yellow Flash of the Hidden Leaf and favored candidate for Fourth Hokage, stared at the piece of paper in his hands. It was not parchment; nor was it standard printing paper. Nay, it was paper like would be used in a greeting card. But this was no Hallmark card.
For one thing, the illustration on the front was in the style of ukiyo-e, and in particular it was reminiscent of some of the more... inappropriate... wood block carvings Hashirama Senju had made in his free time during his tenure as First Hokage (it was a little-known fact that while his brother Tobirama had been a peerless womanizer who had fathered bastards all over the globe, Hashirama had been a connoisseur of erotica and had used his mokuton to revolutionize the industry of wood-print pornography). For another thing, the card was addressed to the Uchiha clan-head and his wife.
Minato sweat-dropped. "Erm, Kushina... honey... are you really sure that inviting Fugaku and Mikoto to a swinger's party is such a good idea...?"
"Of course!" the redhead jinchuuriki declared confidently. "We might not actually be married yet, but we should still get to know the other couples in the village."
"... by having sex with them...?"
"That's how they did it in Whirlpool."
Blink. "Uhhh... Kushina... you were six when you left Whirlpool. So how...?"
Kushina blushed and scratched the back of her head. "Well, like, Lady Mito... Erm, well, she had, like, a lot of things she wanted to pass on to me before... before she died." She chuckled awkwardly. "And, like, teaching me how to deal with my little guest only took like ten minutes, tops..." she said.
Minato sighed. That explained it. He was one of the few people who knew about Kushina being the vessel of the Nine Tails, and therefore also one of the few to know that Lady Mito had been its previous jinchuuriki. It made sense that she would have wanted to pass on as much of her knowledge as possible to the girl who would be her successor, but this...?
"Do you mean to say that the honored wife of the First Hokage took it upon herself to teach a six year old about the birds and the bees?"
Kushina shrugged. "Eh, well, Lady Mito was, like, really super-ancient by that point – even for an Uzumaki. I honestly wouldn't be too surprised if she had, like, gone a little senile towards the end there..."
Minato blanched. 'That only raises even more concerns...'