Summary: Jealousy, frustration and near death experiences finally give Mulder and Scully a reality check.
Takes place in season 6 directly following the episode Milagro.
A sequel to Green-Eyed. References made to that story which also took place in season 6. Also to the episodes Rain King, Milagro and ending of Triangle.
While it's not 100% necessary to read the prequel Green-Eyed, I would highly suggest reading it first so it makes clear sense in the references.
When Opportunity Knocks…
"In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make."
Curiano Quotes Life
I cannot get what that man said out of my head. I know what flew out of his mouth, yet I'm having issues processing it in my head. Being Fox Mulder, thinking has never been an issue. My thoughts are always running through my head smoothly like water, but this monumental statement consisting of only six words has my mind plugged like my damn sink after I've shaved.
No way could he know more about her thoughts and feelings than me! I snag my ball off of the couch and start pacing the entire apartment floor again.
"Agent Scully is already in love," I mocked. That was it. That was the last thing Padgett had said while looking right at me before stalking off from Scully and I like a class A asshole.
Bang-no-bang-way-bang-in-bang-hell! The basketball slammed down against the wood floor like a hammer. What do I care, my neighbors already hate me.
I am more confused about this whole situation than anything right now. This dude is a stalker and I'm what, jealous? Walking in and seeing Scully sitting on Padgett's bed right next to him with the light off was like someone tossing a lit match on gasoline. The match being the thought of Scully giving herself to someone other than me. The gasoline being my unbridled anger.
Not to mention, reading that smut he'd written about her in his book had given me nightmares. The vivid images filled my head with Scully's naked body being groped by that stalker's hands had only intensified my anger. I was set off by that and had to bite my tongue as to not yell at Scully, and then tell her that my bed was the only bed she needed to be sitting on.
Was I worried? Of course I was. Was I jealous? Oh yes! Was I angry? Hell yes I was, and still am! Was he right? Shit, I really hope so. And that was not even the million dollar question. If Scully was already in love, then was she in love with me?
"Get your shit together," I chastise myself.
I honestly deep down know the answer to that all important question or I hope my instincts are correct, at least. I told her that when she was ready to admit her feelings for me to herself, I would be waiting. Well, here I am still waiting months later, and now also wondering if I had been wrong about her true feelings all along.
But, I am far too wrapped up in my obsessive and self doubting behavior to try and change now. As brave as I want to be, I am scared as hell of her rejecting me for whatever reason she might find to push me away. Having a doctorate in psychology, I realize how screwed up I've become over the years as far as vetting out my own feelings. And obviously, I can't pinpoint Scully's feelings for me because she has become too close to me for me to be objective.
Knowing her the way I do, I understand her thought process. If she decided to finally push away her denial, she'll lay out all her feelings for me like a deck of cards and study them like it's her last will and testament. 'What do these feelings really mean,' she'll say. 'Is Mulder really worth risking my heart,' she'll think. God how I hope the answer to that last question is 'yes'!
I know that recently there have been instances where Scully has been jealous of other women in my life. Diana Fowley has been an extremely sore subject since she inserted herself unwelcomed, right between, not only our partnership, but our friendship as well. Diana's audacity and her assumption that I want her back still floors me. But it's not her I want or need. I want what consumes my mind and my heart. I want Scully.
All of these years working with her; sitting, laying or sleeping by her; trying to convince her to believe; touching her skin and claiming her lower back; laughing with her; bickering with her and getting to see her angry eyes; tucking her hair behind her ears; spending sleepless nights worrying about her; the thrill I get with the way she says my name; trying to keep her and myself alive and so much more, has made me realize how long I've been in love with her.
With my photographic memory, remembering those instances is like watching a movie starring Mulder and Scully. Which would probably be named 'Denial and Self Torture 101'.
Of course I know I love her, and that she has love for me. What kind of love that is proves yet to be determined of course. But the length of time that I've really grasped that I have been in love with her is still blurred for me.
When was that moment exactly?
The moment could have been when Scully first walked into our basement office and shook my hand. Maybe it was when she was abducted and brought back from her coma. Even back then I would have easily given my own life for hers. It could have been she was in the clutches of killers like Donnie Pfaster, Eugene Tooms, Gerry Schnauz, those crazy cannibalistic chicken eating town people, or even the alien virus in fricking Antarctica. But no, none of those events were the moment I consciously knew that I was in love with my partner.
Tossing the ball from hand to hand I close my eyes, take a deep breath and smile.
I access my memory of Scully lying in her hospital bed succumbing to the cancers harsh effects. Her staring deeply into my eyes with hot tears running down her face, all while they burned my fingers as I wiped them away. Her brushing my wild hair from my face when I tried to make her smile. Me lacing my fingers with hers, as I tried not to let the fact that she was dying right in front of me crush my heart into dust. I had jumped at the opportunity to rub my fingertips across her eyebrows earlier that day, just so she could get relief from the pressure in her forehead that she was plagued with daily by that point. I never even wanted to blink, because I was afraid I'd miss witnessing a second of her wide open blue eyes staring into mine. The very real possibility of Scully's death occurring at any moment hit me like a freight train.
Yes, that was the moment I knew the truth. I had been in love with Scully probably as long as I have trusted her with the truth about Samantha, but that was the epic mind-blowing, time-stand-still moment when I really truly knew it in my mind as well as in my heart.
That was the catalyst to which that snapped me out of my mostly comfortable 'best friend zone' with her. I never wanted to wake up in a world without Dana Scully living in it. I vowed to myself in that moment right then and there, I would never take her being in my life for granted.
I had planned on pouring my heart out to her that night, to let it all spill from my mouth whether or not her mother was sitting in the chair next to me. To tell her I loved her more than I loved being alive, but then I got the lead I was praying for to find her cure.
"Another missed opportunity there Mulder," I mutter to myself as I slam the ball down and start pacing again. "What the hell have I been waiting for?"
Telling her that I loved her in Bermuda didn't turn out the way I had hoped. But then what did I really expect to happen when she knew I was high on pain meds with a head injury, confined to a hospital, and in an ugly gown with my ass hanging out no less. How pathetic I must have looked to her then.
At least I had the presence of mind to bring up what I now call the 'I love you' incident to her. When Scully was raving mad with jealousy over Agent Kara Cooper in the bullpen not long ago, I intentionally gave her front row seats to Kara flirting with me in the parking garage. She was pissed and what looked to me like sick to her stomach to say the least, but I reminded her that I wholeheartedly meant it when I had told her I loved her.
After that night, we did not speak of it again. Even so, we both knew what happened that day and the emotions it brought to the surface were there to stay. The seed had been planted, so to speak. The problem was, we were both so terrible about expressing our feelings that the tension was getting too overwhelming and adding to the enormity of what a romantic shift in our relationship could truly mean. Still enough is enough!
Resolute in my decision to make that ultering change between us, I strip off my now sweaty and well worn Oxford sweatshirt and flop on my couch with my eyes shut and my hand hovering over the phone.
'Agent Scully is already in love,' echoes in my head.
After Padgett almost killing her tonight and after all the jealousy we've both been exhibiting lately, I know now is the time to not only tell Scully how I feel about her, but show her. No more throwing clues out there hoping one sticks.
Even if that means being rejected.
# # #
I walk determinedly out of the elevator and spot the door with the number 42. My sneakers scraped along the carpeted hallway as I wiped my now sweating palms on my pajamas. There was no time to even change into any other clothes after I readied myself to confess what I had buried away to Mulder. No way was I going to let myself scrutinize my decision.
After I hung up with mom telling her I was fine and not hurt, she had discussed Mulder's uncanny ability to keep impressing her. Being Johnny-on-the-spot was one thing, but Mulder was always there for me when I really needed him. Just that conversation made me miss him and remind myself that this was the right time to reveal my revelations.
I stop to take a cleansing breath with my hand bracing the wall. Time to let it all out. No holding back anymore, even if my heart is pounding and my hands are starting to shake.
Get yourself together! This is Mulder, your best friend, and this is your idea! He told you he loved you already. Yes, you still believe it was only drug induced babble, but still there is that small possibility that he could have actually meant it.
"Then I shouldn't be so scared," I whisper.
I'm so bad at talking about my emotions and what they mean. We both are, but I'm worse and it's completely terrifying me to know what about I'm about to reveal.
The words from my deep seeded thoughts in the Hoover's parking garage flitted through my head. 'If I had it my way, it would always be Mulder and Scully, together, never apart,' I remembered. That was the day I finally, fully admitted to myself that I was in love with Mulder. Of all things, a random coworker putting the moves on my partner would do this to me. I was so green with jealousy that I had some sort of life-altering revelation right there in front of his face after arguing in the damn stairwell. The images that it conjured of our shared experiences left me shaken and in awe of how much I truly felt for him.
I had been too afraid to give my feelings a voice, to assign them a name, as if doing that would somehow instantly change the binding relationship Mulder and I shared.
"I want him. I need him. So tell him," I practically yelled at myself while washing my hair in the shower a couple of hours ago. I was attempting to pull myself together emotionally. I don't think I've succeed yet.
I may have just admitted to wanting all of Mulder outright weeks ago to myself in my head, and yelling it out loud in the bathroom tonight, but I have felt it in my heart for years. I've wracked my brain over and over searching for that moment of defining clarity of romantic love for him. And I have come to the staggering conclusion that I have always been in love with Mulder, since that very first year of our partnership. It only intensified with time.
Falling for him was obviously much easier for me than actually realizing it.
'One day you look at the person and see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is… suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with.' I will never forget those words that I let pour from my lips or how good it felt to say them. Words I had said after my jealousy-induced epiphany.
So telling Sheila Fontaine, a woman that had the hots for my partner, inside a restroom in Kroner, Kansas during the crazy weather man case, was probably the oddest way to express myself to someone else about Mulder and I. But now was the time to express myself to him face to face.
Taking deep breaths in and out, in and out, I can feel my determination returning.
I could have died today. Again! It made me angry and so frustrated with thinking about all those missed opportunities for me to express how I really feel, and not just emotionally frustrated either. But most of those missed opportunities are because of my uncanny ability to guard my heart.
Looking back and seeing all of those missed chances like a tape on rewind, made me realize the time for our 'evolving relationship talk' had come. Life's too short to not jump at opportunities when they stand in front of you with those gorgeous green eyes flecked with golden brown, the rich brown hair that I revel in running my fingers through, and that big plump lip taunting me every time it moves.
I lick my lips and realize this is dangerous territory to be dancing around at the moment.
Secretly, I love when he teases or flirts with me. Secretly, I daydream about his perfect mouth while he's sucking on sunflower seeds as his tongue deftly tears apart the shells. Secretly, when his lips touch my forehead, I get so aroused I have to count to ten before I can breathe again. Secretly, I love it when his intense stare rakes over my body giving me that burning feeling in my chest. Secretly, I am in with love him. Tonight, they will no longer be secrets.
Oh, I am determined to end this stalemate between Mulder and I. It will happen whether he agrees that the time is right or not. I'm going to just go in and start talking. I cannot handle another day with things gone unsaid. I won't.
Standing straight, I run my hand through my hair and knock on Mulder's door.
# # #
Loud knocking breaks me out of my daze as I notice the clock says 11:38pm. Only one person would ever show up to talk to me at this hour. I opened the door to see a face wearing a serious expression along with a pair of adorable looking baby blue and white flannel pajamas.
"Scully! Hey, I was going to call you soon and make sure your still feeling alright. Your chest isn't hurting is it?" That fucking psychic surgeon had his hand buried in her ribs right before all of her injuries disappeared.
"No, Mulder, I'm fine. The paramedics said there was no real damage, remember? I might just be sore for a couple of days." She walked right past me through to the living room with purpose. I shut the door and followed her.
"Yes of course I remember. Still I just thought you'd want to rest and get to bed early tonight. That seemed like what you were planning on doing after I left your place earlier."
Nodding, she stopped next to the couch and abruptly turned to face me making me flinch. "Yeah I probably should, but that is really the last thing I want to do tonight." I suspect that the look on my face confuses her a bit. I feel both crestfallen and thrilled at the same time, if that's even possible. "Mulder, what's the matter? You ok?"
"Oh yeah, I was just in deep thought when you knocked, that's all. I'm happy you're here though. After earlier, I've been worried about being away from you, even though we both know you're out of danger now." I reached out and squeezed her shoulder just because I missed the hell out of feeling her under my fingers.
"Me too, Mulder, me too. What were you thinking so deeply about? You look a little sad."
I decided to sit down because I knew if she chose to stay for the whole conversation I wanted to have with her, I would need to be grounded by a sturdy surface. I pat the spot next to me, but she just waves off my offer and shifted her weight from one foot to another. "Oh about how crazy our lives have become over the last six years together. How many times our lives have been in danger. But missed opportunities mostly."
"Missed opportunities?" Scully cocks her brow at that statement I but understand completely. She appears surprised. Probably surprised that I might be sharing thoughts that she may have had before. "That's ironic because I had similar thoughts running through my mind tonight too." Oh yes, I know my partner.
"Oh? How do you mean?" She just stares at me as soon as I ask her that with her lips parted and I notice her chest starting to rise up and down more quickly.
"Scully… there are a lot of things that I want to tell you. Need to tell you actually. But I think, I think I want to stick to one subject for right now. A subject that's left me a little confused. " I look up at her and she looks rattled.
"Oh, ok. Well, seems that we both have something of importance to discuss tonight." She starts to rub her hands along her flannel covered thighs vigorously. "There are some things that I needed to talk to you about too. Things I need to get off of my chest."
"You're shaking, Scully. Come and sit down with me. You're making me nervous standing there." I lean up and over to circle my fingers around her wrist and guide her around my table until she's right next to me on the couch just inches from me. She looks like she's terrified all of a sudden and it's making my heart pound. Scully is not easily unnerved.
"Mulder, I'm just going to start because I'm not sure how to do this without scaring you."
"Uh… a little late for that Scully," I laugh and she smiles. I fidget, noticing that I'm still holding her wrist, as she's looking past me out the window. Clearing my throat I ask, "Do you want me to say something first?"
She nods and locks eyes with me.
"Ok speaking of being scared, you scared the air right out of my chest today, Scully. When you were laying on my floor covered with blood, Jesus, I thought it was too late. You want to know what ran through my head?"
She nodded once sharply as my hand ran through my hair and gripped it by its roots. "I heard myself screaming for death to take me too. If you were gone… I didn't want to live without you. I can't. I won't!" I said it forcefully and it felt great. Her eyes widened and her free hand that I didn't have a death grip on, covered mine.
"Oh my God, Mulder."
"No it's okay, Scully. I'm not ashamed I feel this way, or that I have a lot of fear of losing you. I wasn't shocked to realize that I never wanted to live if you couldn't. It's almost as if my soul is fused into yours and… I have known this for quite a long time now."
"You- you've known for a long time now that you… literally can't live without me?"
She was taking deep breaths while waiting for my long pause end. Heaving a huge breath through my nose, I decided to let part of what I want to say out.
"I can honestly tell you that I have lived in fear for years now, Scully. Fear of never finding the truth. Fear of putting you in harms way because of that truth. I'm afraid that you threw your amazing future away on me just because I've begged you to stay. I live in fear of feeling more rejection and more inadequacy that has always plagued my past. I fear that you may realize that I'm not worth all of the risks put upon you just being my partner and friend. I fear that you will wake up tomorrow and realize that you deserve better, more, so much more. And you do."
Scully's crying now, serious tears are dropping onto my fingers, shocking them with their heat as I wipe some from her cheek.
The fact that her childbearing rights were stripped from her on our quest has also always weighed on my mind, because it goes right along with the guilt I can't seem to rid myself of. I want to finally talk to her about my thoughts on the subject of her possibly trying IVF, but I've already decided to stick to just this one subject tonight, for now anyway.
"Oh no, no Mulder! I want to stay by your side and you know this. We both need to find answers to the questions we have now. I chose this life and I would never ever change a day. Mulder, I'd be lost without you. My soul would be lost too. Just like you said. I know you remember years ago when I told you that I wouldn't put myself on the line for anyone but you! I was sincere about that, always."
I can't help but grace her with what I know is a goofy awe-induced smile, but I'm not finished. I can tell she's eager to tell me more and I should relish her openness, but I'm on a roll now.
"Wait, I'm not done just yet, Scully. My biggest, most crippling fear is not just that you will die, but that you will die and I could have done something to prevent it. My God, Scully, I sat in that hospital bed with you for weeks watching you slowly, painfully die from cancer right in front of my eyes. I felt like the only light alive in me was from you. When you were drifting out of this world bit by bit, I felt that light flicker and dim inside me. I was lost right then and there knowing the darkness was going to consume me if you left me behind. It ate at my soul, and that's when I knew I never wanted to risk a moment without you again."
I looked up at her when I heard her gasp. Tears gather beneath my eyelids but I'm too determined to get this out for them to fall.
I wave my arm out in front of me and sigh. "I'm so tired of feeling fear, Scully. So tired of hiding these things that I haven't said before. When I'm not with you, I miss you. Even if I've just spent the last eight to ten hours in the basement with you. Even when we are out on a case and you're just on the other side of the door, I miss you! It hurts inside and out. And that scares me, Scully. It scares me because I need you that much, and that you might not need me the way I need you."
Breathing out slowly I relax for now, knowing I have just one last thing to profess.
# # #
Jesus! I reach out and hug him so roughly and tight to me that I think I may have choked him. He doesn't complain, and I can't let go just yet because his own arms snaked around me holding me just as tightly. I feel so much, too much, in this moment that I honestly am left speechless. I have a lot to say to him, but every emotion I've been hiding behind the wall inside of me is rushing to the surface, pouring out of my eyelids, and down my face. I would normally be embarrassed by this but I could give a shit less about that right now. I don't even attempt to wipe the tears away.
Wow, Mulder's surprising me tonight! Here I thought I'd be the one sharing my secrets, and it is was certainly not in my game plan to be on the receiving end of confession time. I came here to be forward with my feelings for once. To share with Mulder my life-changing revelations which had slapped me in the face, finally waking me up. And here he is pouring his heart out to me.
I feel like a fool knowing that I've been in love with him for so long and hadn't even damn well realized it until recently. Or maybe I was in denial. Either way, I have wasted too much precious time being blind and afraid. Here I am, a Doctor who cuts up corpses and an FBI Agent, and I'm scared of talking to my best friend about how much I love him.
The size of his chest and arms engulfing my shoulders and waist are larger and stronger than I can remember from just me looking at him. Touching him this way is much more powerful than just the occasional moments of me checking him out from a distance. Good lord, Mulder is intoxicating. From the scent of him to the sound of his smooth voice, every bit of him is ramping up my body's reaction to him I've been fending off for years now.
Our bodies are still meshed together from the waist up while slightly turned on the couch. He's too close to me in order to concentrate. I push his now tear streaked shoulder away from mine and look up at him to study his face, letting my fingers linger a bit longer than normal as I grip the edge of his shirt.
"My turn, Mulder. I think deep down you know just about everything there is to know about me, except the few emotions that I've hidden behind my self-preserving wall. I can't believe I'm telling you this. But I can't hold it in now that I know that I have been for so long. You're the only person in the world who knows who I really am. The only one I have truly let in the most. And it only makes this more disturbing to me that I've kept certain emotions closed off. Essentially, I've become the Ice Queen that I so wished I wasn't. Even trying to keep you out of my heart. I thought that I was protecting myself from falling down the rabbit hole… but in truth it only closed off the part of me that I really needed to share. That needs to end for both our sakes."
Deep breath-deep breath, I chant in my head. He has that glazed-over look in his eye that makes me think he might be in shock. But if I slow down now I might let my bravery fail.
"Back when Agent Cooper was basically groping you for days in the bullpen, I was upset, not because she was being flirty with you or that you did anything wrong, but because she was touching you in a way that I wasn't able to as your friend and partner. Or had no right to." Steeling myself for the rest, I close my eyes while letting out a shaky sigh.
"This particular incident sparked a fire in me that had been simmering for years now to be honest, and made me realize some things about myself. The switch has been flicked, Mulder, and I don't think I could ever turn it off."
I feel his intense stare on my face, and my eyes dart around the living room at the dark TV, his basketball, an issue of The Lone Gunman, and eventually my own bouncing knee while I try to look anywhere but at him. A knot is forming in my throat but I press on.
"Whomever it may have been in the past, she felt like a threat to me. That she could potentially snatch you up and steal your heart right from under my nose, steal you away from me period. That was very unsettling to have those worries.
"Diana was the headturner for me. I despise that woman for many reasons, but the main reason I loathe her, and this took a lot of grueling thought for me to finally realize this, mind you, but I loathe her because she knew you on a deeper physical level that I don't. Just the thought that you had loved her in the past made me hate her. You two being involved at one point makes me… so furious and… it's very hard to…"
Oh for God sake I need to just spit it out already!
"Very hard to what Scully?" His voice was low and thick.
"To not be so goddamned jealous of her or any woman that you have ever made love to!" I spat it out in a rush of frustration. Slapping a hand over my heart I strained my voice to say, "I envy them… and it's physically painful!"
I never felt so nervous to tell anything to Mulder. Except maybe when I told him my cancer had spread. Now I feel lighter. Like a my heart isn't being squeezed so tightly anymore. From the look on his face, Mulder feels pretty good himself. I can tell he's about to chime in but I am not finished with deconstructing my wall. I am taking advantage of this opportunity and plan to tell him that as demented as Padgett was, he was right about one thing.
With a heaving chest, Mulders eyes were wide and his jaw was slack. Honestly I was breathing heavily myself from just looking at him.
Mulder has many flaws and had experienced too much heartbreak for any life, and no one knows this more than I. But I have just as many flaws and he still right by my side every day. The realization that I could bring him great joy by opening up to him was titillating.
How could I have waited this long? Even with my firm belief in there being such a thing as the perfect moment? Instantly I know the answer. I've been so afraid to loose control and give Mulder that last piece of me for him to touch and hold, and trust him to not break me. I had forgotten how much I do trust him! I was too panicked with tainted past experiences to let him reach out and take that last little bit of what's inside of my soul that no one else has ever even come close to taking. Now I am giving that last little bit of myself to him freely, finally.
"I realized, Mulder, that sometimes when you're in the moment, you don't see the details until a later time when you look back and sort through the evidence with a fine-tooth comb. I see it all now, and it astounds me now much… how much I see between us."
We were intimate in every way possible but one. We've been carrying on a mental love affair for years. But now I want it all, all of him. Every single piece of him to be mine. I want to claim that last missing piece of the puzzle that completes my partner.
# # #
I wasn't dreaming. Scully is pouring her heart out to me right here on my couch. I'm amazed she is the one to start this conversation and that it's not me begging her to listen to my outcries of love. And I am fucking overjoyed! I had hoped and was pretty positive this moment would come at some point, whether it came from my mouth or hers, but still I'm actually momentarily dumbstruck.
My brain is slowly working again somehow and the first thought that seems to register and rush to my cerebrum is, "Agent Scully is already in love." Not meaning to say that out loud, I surprised myself along with Scully.
Her head whips around stopping closer to my face with her brow at attention wearing her 'you never cease to surprise me' face. "Ahh... Padgett. Yes, Mulder, he was right about that." Something changed in her posture and her eyes got more intense. "I am already in love. Truth is, I have been in love for a very long time now. Longer than I'd probably like to admit to myself."
She's dragging this out, and even though I now have no lingering doubts she has deeper feelings for me, I still find myself leaning into our already popped personal bubble in anticipation, only inches away from her plump bottom lip. It was swollen from her gnawing on it. She visibly takes a deep breath and drops the bomb that I've only heard in my fantasies.
"I love you, Mulder. I'm in love with you. Maybe I always have been." She shrugged her shoulder slightly with an astonished look on her face as if she just couldn't believe her love for me could've started from the very beginning.
Self doubt has flown right out the window along with my breath. I'm so unbelievably happy. I know I have never ever smiled so big in my entire life. An image of the Grinch's heart expanding pops into my mind, as I feel like mine just grew ten times its size. I realize I haven't said a thing or even breathed for that matter in what feels like minutes.
"Wow, Scully," is all I could muster through my toothy grin.
"You- you don't looked as shocked as I thought you might, Mulder." Her voice was stronger than what I'm sure mine will sound like when I return the sentiment.
"Oh, I uh... I'm surprised that you told me, but shocked, no. Scully, I had hoped and obsessed over the fact that you might share the same kind of love for me that I have for you. I even tried to pry it out of you back in the parking garage when you were so pissed off at me. I do know you have had doubts about feelings that I might have had for Diana or whoever the hell else, but the truth is, Scully, I have never ever wanted anyone else but you." Shaking my head trying to get a grip on my words, I squeezed her twitching hand and turned my knees to touch hers.
"Jesus, I'm so unbelievably consumed by how much I'm in love with you, Scully. You are my one and only. My partner, my closest friend, my soulmate!" Hearing her gasp only spurred me on. "I do love you as a friend, but most importantly, I love you how a man loves a woman. How a husband loves his wife. I love you more than anyone or anything in this universe."
I take a quick look at her widened wild eyes and blushed cheeks while she's biting her lip, and I know she wants to hear everything that coming out of my mouth now, so I soldier on.
"I'm a selfish man when it comes to you Scully. If you could have only offered me your love as a friend, then I would have accepted that even if it tore me up inside, but I need all of you. And after too many close calls with both of our lives, I finally was ready to risk it all for loving you. So even if you never knocked on my door tonight, I would have come to yours soon and gotten on my knees to hand over my heart, while my soul confessed my love for you.
"Just in case my teary-eyed confession wasn't completely clear this time around, I want you to have no doubts of what I'm saying. No head injury or drugs to blame it on now, Dr. Scully. Believe it or not, I've been in love with you since the day you laid in that motel years ago and listened to me tell you about how my sister was abducted by aliens, and never judged me. It just took me way too goddamn long to realize it."
"Oh Mulder, my God! I- I'm speechless, hearing you say those things. It's amazing how good that feels to actually hear you say that! I never thought we'd actually say these things to each other. How- how long have you known this?"
We were so close now, with her shoulder brushing just above my bicep, while our thighs and everything below pressed into each other, touching from our feet to our elbows. We had been slowly creeping closer since she had sat down next to me. "Actually I'd been thinking about this exact thing a few hours ago; when I was seething over what did, and could have happened with Padgett and his twisted fantasy." A sigh slips out and tilt my head closer to hers.
How ironic is it that both Scully and I had a moment of clarity through jealousy and yet another near death experience? We really do make the perfect pair.
"I believe I have always loved you, Scully. I was a lost depressed shell when you were abducted but that wasn't when I really knew I loved you. The point in which I realized I did, was when you were in the hospital. That day that your mom and I never left your room and you had that terrible headache. You hadn't asked me to, but I rubbed your forehead and brows to make you feel better. All I wanted to do was climb in that bed with you and hold you, kiss you like my own life depended on it. And it really did. You were so so sick, Scully it was killing me, just as the cancer was killing you. That's when the lightning bolt struck my heart. I knew right then you were my soulmate and that what was between us was true love- love that I could only dream about."
Scully's mouth hung open letting her lip tremble freely, and her tears crept over her eyelids again while she squeezed both my hands.
"Oh Jesus! I remember that moment so clearly, Mulder. I remember thinking I might never see you again. I'd felt a sense of doom lingering heavily that day. I never told you, but I cried in my sleep every single night after learning that the cancer was terminal. Not just because I was emotional, but because I knew I might not be able to finish our journey together. Both in a professional way, and in a deeply selfish personal way. I didn't want to make you feel worse than you already were by telling you how terrified I really was. I was trying to put my wall between us and protect us both.
I just nodded not trusting my own voice to form any words yet.
"I knew my incredible draw and connection to you wasn't normal for a partner or a best friend way back when I was returned from my abduction. But now, I know the truth. I was just too afraid to let my mind, body and soul be consumed by loving Fox Mulder."
I let out a slightly embarrassing nervous laugh, but she was serious. Her gaze on me was smoldering and making my zipper add uncomfortable pressure against my now growing excitement.
Our true, deep feelings were finally out there for us to hear, and now the feeling of carnal need was taking over.
# # #
My heart is thudding and I'm feeling my whole body flush. With the things he was saying, it's like he knows me better than I know myself. I've known that he is passionate about what he loves but now I get to hear him share his passion out loud to me. My Mulder is a romantic!
'It's true I had built that strong wall around my heart years ago, but Fox Mulder had walked right through it. Now I need him like I need air.' Remembering those thoughts that sealed my fate tethering myself to Mulder, put a jolt of pleasure into my heart as well as the rapidly growing sexual desire between my legs.
I knew that once I told Mulder I was in love with him, he would consume me in every way possible. And It's the only thing that I ever wanted.
I noticed my hands moving up over his chest and down his shoulders without my permission. His palms and fingers exploring up my arms and down my spine. I was in a daze- drunk off of his touch. I was experiencing something extremely powerful, and I was only now catching on that it was having Mulder's undivided raw sexual attention.
My chest was blotchy from my arousal and now heaving with rapid breaths. Gripping his shirt, I leaned in and pressed my mouth against his warm lips. The pressure increased just enough that it made me push up on my hip, lean in with my left hand gripping his right forearm and melt into his open embrace.
My world spun and it felt as though an electric current spread between our locked lips. Slow languid movements of our mouths cause moans to erupt from in between breaths making my belly rapidly fill with heat.
His warm hand slid up under the front of my flannel shirt searing my cool skin just under my breast. It was hard to determine where my mouth ended and his began as we dueled for dominance. My nails from my right hand gently dug into the back of his neck pulling him flush to my now thrumming body. I was starting to realise my body was taking over control of my actions and my mind was taking a back seat on this ride of arousal.
Mulder pulled away so quickly that a small growl-like noise came up and out of my throat, while my mouth leaned in following his retreating lips. He slowly smiles while calmly says, "You're amazing. You have no idea how much I want this. Do you want more, Scully?" He said it like it was something he had asked me hundreds of times before.
God yes! "More, yes Mulder. I need all of you. More, so much more!" At that, I crushed myself against his chest and sucked in his pouty bottom lip so hard that he nipped at my top one.
Things were moving from slow and sensual to hungry and heady fast. This time I let go of Mulder's mouth with a loud pop. "As much as I would love to do this on your couch in the very near future, right now I want to strip you naked and lay in bed with you. I want us to go slow and take our time loving each other." I have now lost control of my mouth!
That slow sexy smirk he gave me made me think about just straddling him right then and there. He stood and took my hand instead saying, "I'll always take my time loving you, Scully. Just you wait and see."
I'm sure my eyes gave away my excited response so I just yanked on his arm and darted around the corner keeping my eye on his bedroom door. Eye on the prize, as the saying goes. Six and a half years of sexual tension has come to a head and I'm finding myself slightly out of control for the first time in a long time. Just as I entered the hallway, my shoe got caught in my too long pajama pants and I was on my way to greet the floor. At the last second, large arms wrapped around me and spun the front of me around in one swift motion. Instead of kissing the floor, I was kissing Mulder again. And I mean kissing him.
His tongue invaded my mouth running over my teeth and every bit of flesh inside. His arms still wrapped tightly around my upper back and along my hips, kissing me senseless. His body and mouth started to pull away from mine and I was not accepting it whatsoever. He must have thought he was going to just get a taste and move on but I sucked his tongue right back in, bringing his body with it. Now it was my need for him taking over. I ran my hands up his chest and over to his biceps that rested next to my ribs and pressed them up. Never taking my eyes off of his, I raised his arms up just enough and tore his shirt off over his head in one quick movement. The lustful look on his face was compelling me to put my lips all along his warm chest as he reached down wrapping me up and lifted me up against the wall with a bang.
Wrapping my legs around his waist, he found my sweet spot and ground his narrow hips right into it. "Uhhh… Mulder, be careful with that thing between your legs. It could be considered a deadly weapon right about now." I didn't even recognize my own voice that sounded like it came straight from the pit of my belly.
He dismissed my comment with a grunt and began to frantically unbutton my top with one hand. His other arm stretched out clenching around my entire waist pinning me close, while my head rocked back thudding the wall. Instantly, my hands went to the top of his shoulders digging my fingers in. "Mul- Mulder, God if you keep rubbing your cock against my crotch, I might just come already." All I hear is a loud growl while he snaps his eyes to meet mine. They were dark, feral and wild looking.
"Did you say cock, Scully?" I barely understood him through his deep breathy voice.
My legs swung like stones to the floor and he dropped to his knees. His fingers hooked my bottoms, pulled them down and tore them completely off my body, taking my shoes along with them. Still kneeling, he ran his hands smoothly and thoroughly up my legs to my hip bones. Kneading them with his thumbs, he took in the fact that I had consciously decided to forego panties tonight saying, "Ahh, Scully, I knew you were a redhead all over." I was too damn turned on to laugh.
"Christ Mulder, you're turning me on so much more than I had thought was even possible. You're like a drug… I think I've become addicted." I'm breathing so hard I might hyperventilate! He stood back up and lifted me again while he continued to rock and grid himself into my now bare center. Grabbing my chin he locked my gaze, so I slowly licked his bottom lip and ran my thumbnails over his nippes scraping them to a hard point. That set him off.
Mulder abandoned the unbuttoning and just ripped off my now very unnecessary top up over my head and mussing my hair over to the right side. He latched his amazing mouth over my hard as a rock nipple harnessing his oral fixation to a tee. We both moaned in unison. This felt too good and so natural, as if our bodies have done this erotic dance one hundred times before.
My mind was starting to fog like I actually was high and my entire body was buzzing. "Mmmmm… yes. More Mulder, shit, please more." I was growing very impatient, but I certainly didn't wanted him to stop his current subject of study either.
This was Mulder doing these unbelievably pleasurable things to my body right now! I was so nervous before knocking on his door, but now I'm the epitome of excited.
He broke my near unconscious state of lust I was falling into with one jarring thrust up the wall, he managed to move both arms up under my thighs and gripped my ass in each hand. "I can't wait another second to taste more of you, Scully, so hold on!" Our eyes locked and I saw a look of a hunter about to devour his prey. "Oh," was the only thing I could squeak out.
My bare upper back now pressed high up against the cool wall while Mulder adjusted my hips and bottom of my ass to fit perfectly along his collar bones. He had spread his legs out wide stabilizing both of our weight to the floor. He slid his hands and forearms up under my rib cage essentially cradling my entire lower half, sending goosebumps up my spine and already perked nipples. I had highly suspected that our first initial sexual exploit between us would be intense and most likely frantic with need, but this was turning into something wild, untamed, tantalizing. And I was absolutely loving it! I was so fucking hot for him I didn't even give a shit how he was planning on managing this position for more than a minute. Knowing Mulder, he probably took notes during some Cirque du Soleil inspired skin flick.
"Ahh! Mulder what… oh my God Mulder!" His mouth ran down my belly quickly as my hands gripped his hair and my thighs squeezed his shoulders closer to my core. Here it comes. "Oh shit! Fuck! Please don't drop me-ahhhhh yes Mulder!" Soft lips and a strong tongue found my clit, gently running along my folds and back up sucking in my swollen bundle just like my nipple. My eyes rolled back in my head as it hit the wall again.
Kissing, licking, rubbing his teeth all along the aching apex of my legs was driving me closer to the edge. I was already close from just kissing Mulder on the couch, and now I was like a lit match, just waiting for the final burn.
"Awwww… mmmm… yessssss…," was all I could push out as I was losing control of my speech. I was yanking on his hair now and lightly scraping my nails along his scalp. He was whispering terms of endearment to me when he lifted his mouth up for air. Mulder's fingers pressed into my ribs while the muscles of his arms twitched and flexed against my shaky thighs.
Oh this was fantastic. He was fantastic. Fantastic, fantastic fant-
One more flick with his tongue sent me flying. "I'm com- coming!" I wailed and gasped through his moaning and I let go. My eyes lit up with a flash of white light. My muscles locked and I shook with pleasure as the strongest orgasm I had ever experienced rolled through me. The fact that I was still lifted up against the wall with my quivering core ground into Mulder's face might have concerned me when he first shucked me up here; but a bomb could have gone off right next to us and I would have had no idea. I arch my back hard while my head takes my body weight against the wall when the last of the intense jolts rush through my body. "Fuuuuuuck Mulder!" I can't even see straight anymore.
Soon I was limp everywhere, and shaking in his arms as he kissed his way to the nape of my neck. I had no recollection how I was now lowered to a near standing position or how he had removed his pants at that point. All I knew was that Mulder was now naked, pressing his cheek against mine, and talking in my ear between his hot kisses on my skin. "Scully, that was beautiful. You're beautiful. I waited so long to see you do that for me. I love you. Coming back to me yet?"
Nodding slowly, I was finally able to be fully aware of my surroundings and wrap my arms around his neck. "Jesus Mulder. I've never felt those intense sensations before in my life," I admitted while still breathing hard. He had blown my mind just now and we hadn't even made love yet!
Mulder smiled while he stepped in even closer into me with his very large feeling manhood pressed into my belly. My eyes grew wide and I was fully alert now. We kissed again and again making our lips swell. Rubbing and scraping our hands along each others body, losing myself in him.
Time did not exist here. Nothing but love and arousal wrapped around us. "Oh wow… I'm astonished at how much I'm in love with you," I breathed into his mouth.
"If it equals half of the love I have for you, then that means I'm the astonished one." Mulder had those hooded shimmering green eyes staring into my soul and I couldn't wait another second. I squeezed my arms tighter around his neck and kissed his chin.
"Show me how much you love me, Mulder." And that is exactly what he did.
# # #
Watching Scully rise and peak to orgasm was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life, but knowing it was because of my mouth and nothing else only got me harder than I ever thought possible. That was intense and completely unplanned to take her against the wall like that but it was absolutely worth every aching muscle and bead of sweat I've produced.
'Show me how much you love me,' she said. Oh I intend on doing just that and then some. My fantasizing about this very moment for years has only added fuel to our fire.
Scooping her up and carrying her onto my bed, she kissed my ear and nibbed on the lobe making me groan again. I was dripping precum now and my cock felt like it was harder than I had ever felt it get. This was Scully I was about to make love with. Scully! I was still slightly surprised at the current events unfolding and that it wasn't a dream I was immersed in.
I stood up and let her look at me while I gaped at her glistening body. I know I'm more on the larger side as far as size goes. Only from what other women in the past had told me, and watching many of those videos that aren't mine, I could tell I was as big or bigger than many of the men starring in them. Little did Scully know, I haven't watched one video that hadn't starred a redhead in years.
I could feel my hard-on get even more swollen as it started bobbing in the air. Her eyes were stuck to it as her head tipped to side studying me with a wild-eyed grin. "Holy shit Mulder," was all she said before I was on top of her with my mouth covering hers. She was panting against my lips and I was to sweating even more from excitement. I took my hand around myself and smoothed it slowly around her already hard and swollen center. She gasped loudly and reached down and stroked me lightly from root to tip and I couldn't hold in my loud groan that vibrated through to her hand.
Scully gave me a look of utter desire as her hand gripped me harder, stroking me faster with the top of her hand scraping my pelvis. Gripping her behind her knee, I lifted one leg up on my bicep and cradled her face with my free hand. "I want to feel you, Scully. I want to show you just how much I love you."
I was becoming dizzy with pleasure when her hold tightened and finally guided me home. Her eyes never left mine as I pushed slowly inside her warm wetness moving my hips in small circles. She hummed and kissed my wrist that laid next to her face. "You ok?" I had to ask. I didn't want her to be in any pain, just uninhibited pleasure.
She smiled, "Yessss. You're just… very big and thick. It's been a long time." She grinned and then let out a loud moan that only amped up my need and speed. I rocked my hips and thrust completely into her over and over again. Slowly at first, but then her own hips moved to meet mine causing our connection to increase in speed. The sounds of bed springs and our bodies joining were echoing all around us, yet my main focus was meeting her gaze while her head inched closer and closer to the headboard with every plunge.
So much for slow and sexy. We were both getting frantic again. God I was wild for her!
Arching her back off of the bed, her hard nipple proved to be too tempting not to tease. I lifted up and bent down to reach her bouncing breasts. Licking, sucking and nipping at her only made her more vocal. "Ahhh yes! Just like that! More!" Just the cadence of her voice made my hips slam into her even faster as I felt the ache of my balls increase.
"Yeah Scully, come for me again," I pled while her hands clutched my shoulder and hip.
The slickness from her walls started leaking out and coating my cock and around her ass. "Oh shit Scully! This is… feeling… wayyyyy too good." All I got in response was more moaning and gasps, as her head rolled from left to right. Leaning up, I ran kisses all around her knee and thigh that I was still using as leverage. I murmured her name over and over like a prayer as I put each hand up under her hip bones lifting her bottom half off of the mattress and pumped into her on my knees. She yelled out my name along with what sounded like 'yes, please, and shit-fuck-damn.'
Heat was perimeating the air and causing sweat to bead along her skin blending with mine, and oh shit, the slickness was attacking my skin's nerve endings with an overload of sensation. The sounds of our bodies coming together mingling with Scully's whimpering and moaning was like music to my ears. With my memory, I knew I'd be playing this particular song in my head on repeat.
I'm pretty proud of my stamina at the moment, considering the thought of her words to me were still running through my mind. I was fearful that our first time together might end sooner than I wanted, but by what could only be divine intervention, I had decided to try and stop obsessing about Scully after leaving her place earlier by jerking off in the bathroom. It only helped my body and not my mind at the time. I'm certainly not complaining.
Watching her climb to ecstacy one more time is my mission, and as she should know, I never give up on what I want.
I had the sudden need to announce my body's claim on her and wasn't able to hold anything in anymore. "You're mine, Scully, all mine!" I pumped even faster into her, jamming my knees into the mattress.
"Oh Mulder, I've always been yours... and you've always been mine."
Oh Special Agent Dana Scully has me wrapped around her finger as tight as her walls are clenched around me!
At that thought I slowed down, and she cried my name and mumbled how amazing this position was. I had to grunt in agreement when I suddenly felt that familiar tightening in my groin and knew I had to switch it up. Just as I leaned to press my mouth to hers, she wrapped her arms and legs around me, pushing off with her elbow, and rolled right on top of my hips as she smoothly sank down on my entire length in one powerful movement. "Oooo fuck Scully!"
# # #
"Yessss… feels so good Mulder. You're amazing. Ah shit, we feel so good together." I've quickly caught on that sex with Mulder was liberating my vocalization in expressing the amount of pleasure I feel. Never have I ever been this outspoken in bed. Hell, I've never experienced anything like this in my entire life, and I know this man is the only one I'll ever want to experience anything like this with ever again.
Mulder feels so good. Too good. So fucking gooooood! I'm sliding over his massive cock feeling filled to the max and so wet I'm now dripping down my thighs, and I feel it on Mulder's hip bones. He has one thumb tease my very hard and sensitive bundle of nerves while the other one runs back and forth slowly across my plumped bottom lip. I'm going to come again and that has never happened so close together.
I knew Mulder would consume my every being as soon as I let him in my heart completely. But I had underestimated how he would consume my body so thoroughly.
I reached out for him while I continued to rise and fall with unbelievable pleasure and laced my fingers with his, resting our twined hands on my knees. His hips were skilled with his entire length filling me to my limit faster and faster. I'll be sore tomorrow and I look forward to it.
His earlier words, 'I love you more than anything or anyone,' brought forth more whimpering from me. He never ceases to astound me.
Mulder gripped my hands hard and pressed them to his slick chest where I feel his pounding heart vibrate through my fingers. His hooded eyes never left mine. "Ohhh Mulder. I love you." My breath is short and my voice deep with arousal as I find a quicker rhythm.
His groaning and humming brings me closer to that peak. "You're trying to kill me…," Mulder's hands rubbed and squeezed my thighs, "...keeping me on the brink like this…" Every touch was electricity thrumming beneath my skin sending jolts directly to my center. He's thrusting into my downward momentum with even more force than before and it's sweet and utter ecstasy.
Mulder was worshipping my body like a deity as I was sent to heaven on a cloud.
Tears stung my eyes and I bit my lip and threw my head back as my eyes rolled. "Awww… sweet Jesus Mullldddeeerrr!" I'm lost again. My hearing is muffled and my whole body trembles with my release.
Slowly, I begin to hear Mulder's voice bringing me back and feel his chest hovering over mine. Somehow we swapped places. He traces my face and neck with those soft juicy lips I have obsessed over for years. I never thought I could feel any closer to him than before, but I was downright mistaken.
How can anything feel this magnificent? I'm living in a state of bliss finally being able to show Mulder that he is mine, and I am his.
His deep rough voice comes through clearer, "Scully? Christ that is an amazing look on you, and I really hope I get to see your sated face again later… but I'm not finished with you just yet."
Holy mother! I clear my throat. "I'm definitely impressed with more than just your stamina right now, Mulder. And I'm overwhelmed with how much I love you, but please just shut up and kiss me."
His tongue gently explores mine as he grips my wrists pulling them up over my head under the pillows, and buries himself back into my hot slick center sending more endorphins to my brain.
# # #
Breaking contact with her mouth I brush my lips down to her neck and suck in a mouthful of sweet-tasting Scully skin. Her strong thighs gripped mine while I was pumping harder into her unbelievably tight, still spasming walls frantically now. I free a hand and rake it down her arm to her hardened nipple. "Fuuuck you're beautiful," I whisper in her ear, leaving her whimpering and writhing.
"Oh please, come for me, Mulder! Let me see you let go." Oh shit her voice is pulling me into a haze of desire to obey her every need.
My fingers brush along her ribs, and follow the curve of her hip and then I grip it, pressing my fingers into her soft skin. Her whimper turns into a constant guttural hum as soon as I pull her ear lobe into my mouth and press my teeth into the soft flesh. The vibration is all it takes for me to let go of everything I have as I throw my head back and yell out her name in utter ecstasy. Releasing her wrists, I grab a hand hold of bed sheets and try to come back to earth. After I slow my thrusts, she moves her legs up farther to wrap them around my shaking hips and hugs me closer.
I have never came so damn hard in my entire life. I'm unable to move just yet and I might even have a severe cramp in my lower region, but my brain is too foggy to figure it out. Gasping for a lung full of air and collapsing onto my elbows, pinning her under me, is all I am able to do at the moment.
As I look into her now watery eyes, my emotions are catching up to me too. After the epic conversation earlier, and finally being able to physically express how I felt about her, has this moment threatening for my feelings to pour out of the surface.
Her hand comes out and brushes away a tear that betrayed me by leaking down my face. Happiness replaces those feelings of doubt and anger that I had at the start of the night. I feel loved. I feel… complete.
Our crest of euphoria breaks as we come down from our highs. Breathing hard with our foreheads together, I grin while she presses a lazy kiss to my lips. My heart is pounding in time with hers as we gaze into each other's eyes both with huge smiles on our faces.
"Mulder? That was… God… completely mind-blowing!"
I laugh and nod slowly. "You've blown my mind on several occasions, Scully, not just tonight. And I'm still stunned that I'm actually awake and that your lying naked under me. But I agree, you took my breath away."
"Well now, all I have to do is render you speechless, then I'll really know that I blew your mind." She winked and giggled. Scully giggles were rare, like UFOs, but much more precious, and I intend on hearing them for many years to come.
"You know, now I understand the meaning of 'making love'. I've never felt that before you, Scully." A crease formed between her brows when her chin slightly quivered, and then she slowly grinned. "Now I can die a happy man."
Rubbing her hand down the side of my face, she slowly traces a finger along my stubbled jaw and then grips it tightly with a serious look and says, "Not without me you're not. Where you go, I go. No ditching me. And no more hiding our feelings from one another. It's you and me, Mulder, always. Just remember that."
"I'll never forget. Trust me Scully, you're stuck with me for good. Even my messy housekeeping quirks, annoying habits and obsessive personality traits have always belonged to you."
She rolled her eyes dropping her grip from under my chin and wiggled her sweaty body under me. "About those annoying habits…" she said with a sly smirk. Scully reached her hand up underneath my pillow and pulled out a handful of sunflower seed shells that I must have left in my bed from days ago. "...when was the last time you changed your sheets, Mulder?" I just laughed deciding not to share the fact that I couldn't remember when the last time I had. I kissed her nose, and rolled us on our sides.
Suddenly, my thoughts move to the words that were written for me on that pink post-it note from months ago our flirty coworker had left me saying, 'the possibilities are endless.' I believe that now, but this time only for Scully and I. With Dana Scully by my side, the possibilities truly are endless.
Eyeing each other with sated expressions, I rub her hip and softly share my own revelation, "I think we both have learned that life is too short to live in jealousy, doubt and fear. So let's make the choice, a vow for us, to not be afraid to open a door when opportunity knocks. We'll both walk through it together."
Our bodies are drawn together from chest to knees with her chin resting under the hollow of my neck as she gazes up at me. I'm revelling in the sensations of Scully's warm bare skin pressing into mine. Running my fingers through the stray auburn hair stuck along her ivory forehead, I pepper her cheeks and forehead with kisses while tasting the light sheen of salty sweat. Lacing her fingers with mine, she responds with unshed tears brimming, "Mulder, I'm so glad I finally knocked."
# End #