Reconciliation

There was a split second early in the morning, half way between wakefulness and sleep, when Kevin could pretend that nothing had happened. He would be in their bed with Scotty next to him, and then only a moment later he would come to full consciousness and realize that he was on Kitty's sofa, alone. When that moment came, irrevocable and undeniable, he would close his eyes and try to reclaim the moment. It was an exercise in hopelessness. The realization that he was alone would hit him like a freight train each morning, every day more painful than the next.

This morning, a Sunday, was no exception. If anything it was worse. He couldn't wake up early and spend his day in court or buried in legal documents. He could get away with working Saturdays, it was not unusual in his profession, but no one would answer his phone calls or emails today. Kevin sighed. He would have to find something to do. If he kept busy he'd be alright; the minute he slowed down it would become too much. If he slowed down, he would start thinking, and thinking was a bad idea.

He looked over the clothes he had hung over the back of a chair. He realized as he looked over the collection that he hadn't brought any casual clothes with him; it was all suits and ties and dress shirts. That was fine, he didn't really care; in truth he was almost glad of it. He had always loved suits; as a child he had wanted to be a lawyer so he could wear one all the time. When he was older he had chosen law for other reasons, but the love of the suit had remained. He liked the rhythm, the routine. He never multitasked when getting dressed; it was a sacred ritual. He buttoned the shirt slowly, concentrating on each button individually. He selected a belt, tucked the shirt, buckled the belt. Looked over the ties and selected one. He favored a half-Windsor knot; it was a little bit unusual, but he liked the idea of using a different and more complicated style than the average man.

His routine completed, Kevin poured himself a cup of coffee. Kitty might not be able to cook, but she made good coffee. He rummaged around her cupboards for sugar and stirred some into his mug. The unfortunate part of drinking coffee was that it was usually accompanied by thinking. When he thought about Scotty he was overcome with guilt. His husband had cheated on him, and he felt guilty; the worst part was that he knew this feeling was completely justified. He had been living his life as though it was without consequences. As though each event occurred in a vacuum, separate and distinct, and without effect on anything else. But things didn't work that way. There were consequences, and he had to live with them.

He looked around the room as if searching for something, and sighed. He put his mug in the sink, not bothering to wash it, and walked to the door. He didn't know what he was going to do with himself, but he sure as hell wasn't going to just sit in his sister's kitchen and think. No. Thinking would only get him into trouble. He walked to his car, got in, and drove.

Scotty took a deep breath and looked around the kitchen and through the windows into the dining room. The last patrons were gathering their things, and the kitchen was nearly clean. Sunday nights were a little quieter than the rest of the weekend, but still pretty busy. It had been a good night, nothing had run out and the wait staff had all come into the kitchen with glowing comments from the diners. Normally this time of night found him smiling, pleased with how the evening had gone, but not tonight. Tonight he had to again reconcile himself to the reality that he would crawl into a cold bed, with nothing but guilt and loneliness to keep him company. It was no use. He had tried everything to gain Kevin's forgiveness, and had nothing to show for himself except an empty bed and a fractured heart.

He was wiping down the work table, working in companionable silence with his sous chef, when he heard the door open. He was about to call out that they had closed when he heard familiar footsteps. He walked out of the kitchen and saw Kevin coming through the door. He shut it behind him, pausing to lean heavily against the doorknob.

"Kev?" He asked questioningly. Kevin looked up in his general direction, but his eyes were unfocused, and he seemed to be looking through Scotty, not at him.

"Yeah." He sounded tired.

"Are you ok?"

"Fine. Just…office." He began to move slowly towards his office. Halfway there he came to a standstill and ran a hand across his face. He turned towards Scotty and gave him a look he couldn't quite read. Suddenly he went very pale and his knees buckled. In panic mode, Scotty ran forward and managed to catch him before he completely hit the ground.

"Kevin? Kevin!"

"Yeah, yeah…m'here. What?" He responded groggily.

"Scotty? What's going on?" Angie asked, walking out of the kitchen.

"Mister 'I don't need to eat, sleep, or generally look after myself' nearly passed out." He replied, suddenly snarky with concern.

"…Can look after myself."

"Sure you can. That's why you're sitting on the floor mumbling and incoherent. Also, the very act of passing out on my floor because you can't look after yourself revokes your right to look after yourself."

"M'fine." Kevin started to get up. Scotty pushed him back down with one not-particularly-strong poke of his finger.

"Kevin Walker! If you so much as consider getting up I'll…well I'm not entirely sure what I'll do, but you can bet it won't be good." His words belied a serious tone.

"Listen up. This is what's going to happen: you're going to sit right there, Angie will bring you something to drink; when you no longer look like you're about to drop dead, we'll help you upstairs where I will make you something to eat; you will actually eat whatever I make you; then you will sleep a full eight hours. Got it?

"I…"

"If the words about to come out of your mouth are anything other than 'yes, Scotty' then I will call Nora and tell her what happened, and you'll have your mother to answer to. Got it?"

"Got it." His voice was resigned, and he sounded completely defeated.

Scotty shook his head as he watched Kevin sip the glass of water Angie had brought him. His hand was shaking slightly. He should have known better; things had gone on like this far too long. Just because Kevin wasn't speaking to him didn't mean he could ignore his spousal duties; if anything he had to be more diligent.

"Do you think you can stand up without falling down?"

"Yeah. I'm fine."

"Kevin Walker, you're about as far from fine as I've ever seen you." His voice softened a little. "Come on, let's get you up." Scotty helped him up as gently as he could manage. He swayed slightly as he stood and leant into his husband.

"Dizzy?"

"Mhmm."

"It's ok; you're ok." He held Kevin tightly, enjoying the feeling of him in his arms, and wishing it was under different circumstances. After a few seconds Kevin pulled back. "Ok now?"

"Yeah."

"Let's go."

A few minutes later Scotty opened the door to their apartment and led Kevin to the sofa. "Sit." He headed walked away; Kevin sat in a daze, half-listening to the noise coming from the kitchen as Scotty presumably cooked something. He was lost in thoughts he didn't quite understand when his husband appeared out of nowhere.

"Eat." He said firmly, holding out a plate.

"I'm not…"

"Remember what I said about calling your mother? It isn't a threat – it's a promise. Now eat before I break this plate over your head." Kevin gave him a weary look and accepted the plate. Scotty sat across the coffee table and watched him eat. After he had finished and put the plate down he looked right at him, and he looked away. Scotty took a breath.

"Kevin, we can't go on like this, you can't go on like this. Something was bound to break, and right now that something is you. I'm seriously worried about you, and so is the rest of your family. Something has to change." Kevin looked down at his feet, then looked up.

"I'm sorry."

"No snarky comment about how I should have thought about the consequences before I cheated?"

"No. I'm too tired to be snarky." He paused and looked straight at Scotty. "I'm sorry because I treated you like shit."

"Yeah you…"

"Scotty, this isn't easy for me to say, so just let me say it, ok?

"Ok."

"After the accident, I was a mess, we all were. But I thought it would all work out, I thought that Robert would wake up and that Holly would be alright, and even if it didn't we had the baby. And then…and then we didn't, and it was too much. I was awful to you; it was unforgivable."

"You had a pretty good reason."

"I may have had a reason, but I didn't have the right Scotty; no one has the right to be that cruel to someone they love. You could have kicked me out and changed the locks, and you would have been completely justified. And you didn't. And just now, I faint on your floor because I'm not man enough to take care of myself, and instead of washing your hands of me like you should have done, you…you catch me and then make me a sandwich. Because that's the sort of person you are – a good man; certainly a man I don't deserve."

"Don't put me on a pedestal Kevin: I was unfaithful, no one has that right either."

"Alright. We both messed up. But you've already apologized a million times. It's my turn now. I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted."

"Do you think we can ever get back? Back to where we were before all this happened?"

"Honestly? No." Kevin's heart sank and he moved to get up. "Don't even think about it; I still have you under house arrest. And you completely misunderstood me; no we can't go back to where we were, too much has happened. But that doesn't mean we can't build something new, and start over. Remember, I can chisel, drill, and plane; I'm good at putting things back together." He smiled.

"Where would I be without you?"

"Still unconscious on the floor of the restaurant." Kevin laughed, and Scotty realized how much he had missed the sound. "It's after midnight; it's time we were both in bed…I…I can sleep on the couch."

"No. Scotty, I've forgiven you. If you can forgive me, then I'd like us to sleep in our bed. Together."

When Kevin woke up the next morning, still mostly asleep, he imagined he was in bed next to Scotty. Remembering the reality of his situation, his heart sank. He closed his eyes, knowing that when he opened them he would be alone on Kitty's sofa. Resigning himself to the sad truth, he opened his eyes. But he wasn't on Kitty's sofa. He was in their bed – was he still dreaming? He turned to face his husband sleeping quietly next to him. He reached out a hand, he felt real, but it had to be a dream. Scotty stirred and opened his eyes. "Good morning sunshine."

"This dream is entirely too real; it's confusing." He mumbled sleepily.

"It's not a dream, Kevin." He responded, then he leaned over and gave him a gentle kiss. Kevin smiled, and kissed back.