Hey~ so this is kind of one i hope you like it! reviews please(: loves xx.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." The words were almost impossible to force out, but somehow I did. I had thought, and expected, that she would scoff at them, see through my plan, and laugh. But she came up short.
"You… don't… want me?" Her voice was barely above a whisper. Her face melted into a tortured, though almost accepting, mask of anguish.
"No." My voice was firm as I met her agonized gaze. Her eyes narrowed, and she tore away from my eyes. Just like my words, my eyes had the same killer effect to her. They were all part of my façade.
"Well, that changes things." Her voice was calm, but she was trembling violently. The way her eyes tore through me with weak detest for every word I said ripped my heart into two. She tried to compose herself, but her every breath was followed by a trembled sob.
It was all too painful for me as it was twice as excruciating for her. I was too ashamed to look into her pained eyes, and looked past her into the trees. I kept my eyes cold, rock solid. "Of course, I'll always love you... in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm... tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." I looked back at her, my words just as believable as before. I watched unwillingly as each syllable killed her a little more. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that." I was truly sorry, sorry for hurting her like this knowing what pain I would put her through, sorry for hurting myself, and the people I loved. I was sorry for the changes; sorry for her pain and mine, sorry for her tears, sorry for those eyes that deeply penetrated her emotional shield into her soul. Sorry for even loving her, because she did not deserve any of this, or any of me. She deserved more, she deserved much better than what she had now.
"Don't." Her voice pleaded in a hushed whisper. "Don't do this." Her beautiful face seemed almost too pale with despair. The urgent flush of blood and heat that came to her cheeks made a sharp contrast to her unusually pale face, and it reminded me of why I loved her so much. Her expression twisted into torment, a pleading, like something that burned was coursing through her veins.
I stared straight back at her, my eyes still cold and emotionless. "You're not good for me, Bella." I was lying so plainly now; surely she had to see through it. I almost wanted her to. She was too good for me, always would be. She opened her mouth, starting to say something, and closed it. I kept staring, composed, dying inside.
"If…that's what you want." She murmured. I nodded once, and all blood drained from her face completely. The faint blush in her cheeks was gone too, and she looked frail, lifeless.
"I would like to ask one favour, though, if that's not too much." I said. Her face turned almost hopeful, as if she were about to believe that I would contradict what I had just said. It gave her a slight glimmer of hope, and her face lit up too. I knew that my face had changed from the thought of the favour, to angst, and I composed myself again.
"Anything." Bella's voice was a little stronger, less meek than before, although it was only slight. I gave in to her a little, and she let a subtle grin as I became warmer to her, even if it was just for a second.
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I ordered passionately. "Do you understand?" She nodded helplessly, and I became serene again. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself – for him."
"I will." She whispered. I felt my tense body relax a little, praying she'd keep her promise, that she didn't love me so much as to harm herself because I left, the way I would for her without any doubt.
"And I'll make you one promise in return." I said, knowing that these words would be the ones that would drive me to a break, and allow her to see through my treachery. The treachery I held in my mind, never letting my heart through to move me. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed." I was torn apart with my promise, knowing it was one I would try so hard to keep, for her benefit, even if it put me through hell.
Her knees started to shake as they fell weak, and her pulse increased. Her heart pounded louder and faster. She was afraid. "Don't worry. You're human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."
"And your memories?" Her voice sounded thinner than usual, like she choked, as she forced the words out. I let my own words sink in. Isabella Marie Swan, I will never forget you, even if I am tortured by the memories. But promise me, that you will forget me, and let the memories of us in you fade the way I will never let mine. And I will forever love you, even if you hate me for this. I love you.
"Well," I hesitated, "I won't forget." There was no way in hell I would. "But my kind…we're very easily distracted." I forced a hollow smile. Empty. Then I stepped away from her, denying my will to go towards her. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."
Her head snapped up, and she stared at me. "Alice isn't coming back." It was more of a statement than a question. Alice was considered her sister and best friend; it must have hurt her too.
"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye." I watched her face, memorizing her every agonized detail. I wished I had burned it to the back of my head before taking away the last bit of happiness from her, then I would have remembered her, radiant, cheerful, happy, when it was not just a strong smile she tried to put on for me. When she was truly happy.
"Alice is gone?" Her small voice trembled. I realized that, when I heard her words, she needed Alice like she stood as her will, and as reluctant as Alice had been to leave without saying goodbye, Bella was even more reluctant to believe she was gone.
"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." I watched her try to control her uneven breathing. I was sure that she was hyperventilating. I waited for her to pull herself together, and said the words I had been dreading.
"Goodbye Bella."
"Wait!" She cried, reaching for me. Involuntarily, I reached for her, but at the last minute pinned her wrists to her side. I leaned down, and my lips lightly met her forehead, my heart fighting against my mind, my common sense. Her eyes closed, and I seized the chance.
"Take care of yourself." I breathed, letting her go, and ran, running faster than I ever had before.
I'll never forgive myself for this, Bella. You are everything to me, and it pains me to know that you'll be tortured, that I tortured you, but I know that will pass. All I really am asking for is for you to smile, and feel happy, and live a very human life from now on. Forget me. I promise, that my heart will always be yours and for no other, forever…
-Flashforward-
It's been four months without Bella. I was starting to miss the faint flush in her cheeks when she was nervous or angry. Even her little stubborn fits were adorable. I missed her scent, in a good way. It smelled just like her. I missed her deep chocolate eyes that never failed to melt my heart. I missed her warm smile that was always welcoming, one that looked so desirable. I missed the billows of her hair, a russet hue with the subtle streaks of caramel. I missed her warmth. I missed the way she slept, and her sleep talking. I missed her. I missed Bella.
"Edward, you really can't go on like this. Do you know how worried we all are for you?" Alice whined furiously. Her fiery gaze was on me, and I could feel the intensity of it.
"I promised. Just like I never existed." I murmured, slumping back onto the seat. I stared straight into nothing to avoid her eyes. She had a thing to make me feel more guilty than how much I already was.
"To keep your promise is one thing, Edward. But seeing you losing to insanity and depression, I've never seen anyone far worse than you. You really should spare a thought for yourself." Alice sat down beside me, her body facing my side.
My promise was to let her be happy, even on the verge of losing my mind. It was always about her, and it still was, and would forever be. There was no fair exchange to substitute her happiness for mine. I would never be worthy. "Spare a thought for myself, and forget Bella's, or Charlie's? Never. If I broke my promise just to stay sane for no one, that would just be pure selfish." I hissed.
"But see you lifeless?" She protested.
"Have you ever tried sparing a single thought for Bella, rather than for me all the time?" My voice was cold as I snapped at her through my clenched jaw. "Do you know how hard it was for me to leave her? And how hard she took it? Did you look into her anguished eyes and feel the torture she felt at the time? And maybe she's finally forgotten me and found happiness, after four months. Now you're telling me to rip her heart open again by going back just for my benefit? Just for me?"
"Edward..." Alice said in a soft voice, and I knew I had hurt her feelings.
"I did it again, didn't I?" I asked bleakly. "I'm sorry, but it's just so..."
"I understand." Alice smiled half-heartedly.
"I don't want to ruin her life again. I'd rather ruin mine." My voice was a whisper. "I promised her that I would never go back, that it was the last time she would ever see me. I want her to forget."
"Well…" Alice's voice was more hopeful. "I did think of something." She stood up with a grin.
I looked up at her. "What?"
"Go back to Forks, just for one night. Just to make sure she's okay. She wouldn't know you were there if she was asleep. It helps you, and her." Alice smiled a cheeky grin.
"I'll get to that, one day… I'm trying to track Victoria down now." I sighed.
"Tracking?" She mused.
"Just something I thought that could keep the longing out of my mind. Apparently, it does work a little. It's been… working out." That was a lie. Nothing could keep her off my mind, and my tracking skills were not sharp. I fell off route. I looked back at Alice, and she was in a short daze. She was finding a subjected vision again.
"Yeah, you'll get there." She laughed, and left the room to go back to Jasper.
I was alone again, scarily alone. It was such a silent haunting that forever urged me to move. I never had silence in my life for how long I had been with Bella. Now the darkness tagged along with the silence. I sat myself on the floor, legs tucked towards my chest. And I sat there, for once, facing the darkness and silence. I had given up even trying to push away the thoughts of Bella. I wanted her in my mind, I had promised to never forget her. I had vowed, just like a blood pledge. I sunk back into the worthless me that I was before Alice's visit, all that strength only a charade. The anger was the only thing that was real. I sat there all night, and it seemed like forever. Forever… I could only miss her.
The sweetest honey
Is loathsome in his own deliciousness
And in the taste confounds the appetite:
Therefore love moderately; long love doth so;
Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.
-Flashforward-
I felt the green walls that brought back so many memories, and absorbed the scent that I longed for. It had been months, and seven months were long enough. I wanted to be back, back here beside her. It was not really just a desire, or a want. I needed Bella; I needed her the whole while. But I could not push it. She had every right to a perfectly human life, or at least, one without vampires. She could have been with Mike Newton, though he was weak and all. Or maybe that Jacob kid, Jacob Black. I knew he had a thing for Bella the first time I picked into his mind. Actually, his mind more or rather screamed Bella's name whenever he was around us. I walked towards her bed, my fingertips feeling the texture of her purple bed-sheet and comforter, one of those things that never changed. I could feel the warmth on my fingertips. I ran my fingers along her bed, and onto her pillow. Her pillow was damp, like she had been crying. I could feel the jagged edges in my cold heart, though frozen, throbbing again with the guilt. I bit down on my lip as a wave of painful emotions washed over me again, like it did every other day by the hours and minutes. It felt worse, with the hole already punched deeply through. Metaphorically, it was bleeding. I could feel anguish trickle from the deep hole. I wondered if it was starting to get empty, because it certainly felt weightless, emotionless, and lifeless.
The strident roars from the engine of Bella's truck were still easily picked up through the violent tapping of the heavy raindrops on the roof, window and ground. It tapped off the hood of her truck too, the crashing sound becoming louder as it approached the front of her house. I heard Charlie's mind going on all about Bella, worrying about her. I stepped out from behind the wall to watch her truck's rumble cease to a silent stop. The little ray of light from the setting sun broke through the gray clouds that were slightly streaked with a splash of pale orange, yellow and pink, which made a faint shimmer on my porcelain skin. Bella took a step out of her truck, and I felt my heart go heavy with longing. My heart finally had a dash of emotion and colour, for once. But it was gone the next second as I saw Charlie walking, almost breaking into a run, to meet Bella as she sat idly in the truck. Charlie held the door open for her as she slid off the seat. She was soaked, and I could not tell if it were tears or just the rain that rolled down her colourless face.
"Billy called. He said you got in fight with Jake - said you were pretty upset," he said nonchalantly, but in his mind he was shaking with worry.
I retreated back behind the wall as they walked towards the house. Charlie's face held a horrified recognition of something as he watched Bella's sullen face. It was cold, and empty. Morose.
"That's not exactly how it happened," Bella's sombre voice muttered.
"Then what did happen'" he asked as they stepped into the house. I sneaked down the stairs and stood by the wall that blocked me from their sight. He had wrapped an afghan around Bella's shivering frame.
Her voice was inert; it tore through my heart, leaving fresh wounds stinging achingly at where it was torn. "Sam Uley says Jacob can't be my friend anymore."
"Who told you that?" Charlie's was taken aback.
"Jacob."
Charlie's eyebrows pulled together. "You really think there's something wrong with the Uley kid?"
"I know there is. Jacob wouldn't tell me what, though." Bella stared blankly at the floor, watching the little puddles on the linoleum that was from her sodden clothes. "I'm going to go change."
Charlie was lost in thought. "Okay," he said absently.
I ran up the stairs, making sure it sounded like my feet never touched the floor, just before she turned to walk up the stairs. I sat on her bed as she took her bath, listening to Charlie's argument with Billy Black on the line.
"Look, Bella says that there's something going on with Sam Uley and Jacob, and I'm starting to believe that there is. He just told Jacob that she couldn't be friends with him anymore." He kept his voice low.
"Yes, I am very sure about that." He continued after a second.
Charlie's voice was angry. "I'm not buying that. It doesn't make any sense."
It was quiet for a minute.
"Don't you put this on Bella!" Charlie suddenly shouted.
When he spoke again, his voice was careful and lower. "Bella's made it very clear all along that she and Jacob were just friends... Well, if that was it, then why didn't you say so at first? No, Billy, I think she's right about this... Because I know my daughter, and if she says Jacob was scared before-" He was cut off mid-sentence, and when he answered he was almost shouting again.
"What do you mean I don't know my daughter as well as I think I do!" He listened for a brief second. "If you think I'm going to remind her about that, then you had better think again. She's only just starting to get over it, and mostly because of Jacob, I think. If whatever Jacob has going on with this Sam character sends her back into that depression, then Jacob is going to have to answer to me. You're my friend, Billy, but this is hurting my family." I knew he was talking about me leaving.
"Then please, do something. If not for my family, then at least my daughter. You know she's going through a really hard time now." His voice was almost a pleading whisper.
There was another break for a reply.
"Could you at least try to talk-" He paused for a moment. "Look, I know you have your own family to keep, but I have mine, and it's falling apart." He sighed, a little disgruntled with Billy's responses.
"You got that right, those boys set one toe out of line and I'm going to know about it. We'll be keeping an eye on the situation, you can be sure of that." He was full of authority now.
"Fine. Yeah. Goodbye." The phone slammed into the cradle. Charlie was cussing about Billy under his breath and in his head, on how he did not want to help him. He muttered angrily as he made his own dinner in the kitchen.
I heard footsteps from the bathroom approaching the room, Bella's footsteps. I jumped out of her window and landed on the ground outside her house silently. When I climbed back up the tree, she had crawled into her bed. I saw tears running down her blank face as she cried herself to sleep. It sent the edges throbbing again. I hated seeing her in tears. She had an arm wrapped around her torso, across her chest, as she tucked her legs closer to her, like a ball. I heard her shrill screams that left the jagged edges of the hole in my chest swell. Again, I heard Charlie think, and it had me thinking, why he did not care anymore. My guess was that she had been having nightmares a whole lot shattered my heart into a million fragile pieces. I took a step into her room, opening the window quietly. I brushed my thumb across her cheek, wiping one of her tears away. She was crying even in her sleep. It made me feel unease.
"Shh, shh." I whispered, barely loud enough for her to hear in her nightmare. I cupped my hand around her cheek, my skin nearly touching hers.
I had to leave soon, as I had sworn to myself that I would not stay too long. I needed a part of her with me. I glanced over at her messy table, just as untidy. I chuckled. It had been a long time since I did that, and it would be a longer time that I would not. I found a pair of scissors, and snipped off a lock of her beautiful, sweet scented hair, and kept it in my pocket. I took one last glance at her, daring my lips and will to kiss her, and tore away from Bella once again. It was comparably more painful than the last, but I knew that I would still keep my promise to her. I would never forget.
I stopped by La Push, knocking on Black's door. Billy Black answered the door, his eyes narrowing at the sight of this unruly vampire in front of him. I was never supposed to set foot on this land, but I needed to. "What are you doing here?" He demanded, his voice stern and angry.
"I need a word with Jacob." I spoke through my clenched teeth. It reeked solely of mutt.
"No." He growled.
"And I promise that I will leave, and never set foot here again."
"Fine." He spat, and rolled inside to call Jacob Black.
Jacob Black emerged from the darkness. He was different, he looked different from the last time I saw him. What remained of him was just his shorter, shaved, head of hair. His face looked flat, and much colder. His jaw was clenched just as tight, like a mirror of me. His eyes were colder too, and hostile. He was now, as expected, one of them. "So you're back." Jacob muttered flatly.
"Not for long."
"Does she know?"
"No." I winced at the thought.
He stared into the woods with rage in his eyes. "And you don't love her anymore." It sounded like an answer more than a question.
"I do… But-" He cut me off in mid-sentence.
"Enough. Seven months ago, you left her. And now you're back, saying you still love her? What's with the mixed signals! Just like any old bloodsucker." He growled angrily.
"You're the reason she's crying this very moment! I heard everything from Charlie. Just because of Uley and your little secret and you're leaving her with a hole in her heart?" I hissed back at him, my teeth just inches from his face.
"Like I don't feel guilty about it! But one thing you should feel guilty about is how she hasn't even forgotten about you yet! Seven months!" He had me on his second sentence. She hasn't forgotten about you yet, I could not believe it. A clean break, I thought she would have forgotten, but it seemed that it was not as easy as I had expected. "You should see the way her eyes look anguished, hurt, afraid, when I say your name, or even think about it. I bet the name 'Cullen' has a meaning that runs blood deep in her, and you think she would forget you and your bloodsucking family easily."
"W-what?" My voice was softer, guilty, shocked, and every other emotion than raced through me. It cracked.
"The way she winced, or shuddered, when she heard the name of your bloodsucking coven, it pains me you know. But what can I do? Nothing. I can't do anything that already runs blood deep in her. I can't change anything, and it's all because of you, filthy bloodsucker." He was shaking abruptly as he took deep breaths to calm himself down. I felt lost, unbalanced, and the throbbing pain in my chest grew as the edges were fresh again from what I heard.
"That was the reason why I wanted to leave, before anything was burned into the back of her mind."
"Well, you left too late." His voice was cold, it somehow made me come to realize if this was how astringent I had sounded with my biting eyes. The believable charade.
"Time. It's all a clean break needs. Time." My hushed whisper felt like I was trying to convince myself more than to convince him.
"You think that the heart heals just like bones? A clean break? God!" He slammed his fist to the tree, almost snapping in half just like the one beside it. "She is never going to forget."
"Then try. Try to make her forget me. That's all I'm asking..."
"And why would I want to help a bloodsucker?" He turned away, his fingers fidgeting to put off his anger.
"It's not for me. She's the one who needs it. And I know you want to help her. You love her."
His head snapped up and his eyes glared bitingly at me. "How the hell do you know? Oh yeah. You pick brains. Fancy." He rolled his eyes.
"I can sense it even without picking your brain. The way you look into her eyes, it's no lie."
"Aren't you jealous? What if her heart doesn't belong to you anymore?"
"I admit I would be. But what can I do?" I grinned, and he snorted. "And I never wanted her heart to belong to me. I wished she had found someone more... human. It's just not something I wanted to control until," I winced at the memory of the birthday incident. "something happened."
"I love her too, but it's much more complicated. It isn't that easy anymore. It isn't my secret to tell, just like how yours wasn't hers to tell me. It isn't even my choice to speak of it to her, how much I want to." His flat face turned into a twisted anguish.
"She should know why you're avoiding her. I need someone to protect her," and love her, and make her smile. "And you're the only one who I can think of."
"You know it's not safe! I don't want to hurt her." He said every syllable with precision.
"I know you won't hurt her, and you know it yourself. You promised that to yourself." He stayed silent as his eyes stared down at the floor. "She needs you now, Jacob."
"But I don't know how the hell to tell her. They would know, of course you know the rules." Jacob sighed heavily. His face turned glum again losing the last dash of hope.
"You can make her guess. She's a pretty fast thinker."
"What can she remember? Probably, knowingly, only the story about The Cold Ones."
"Try to make her remember. It's surely somewhere at the back of her mind. You just have to make her fish it out."
A wide grin spread across his face. "God. Sam is gonna kill me for this. But who gives a damn." He almost took off towards Bella's house, and it made me feel eased. At least she had someone to protect her and love her, even if I didn't like it one slight bit. "Hey. Thanks."
"Yeah, thanks." My chest felt bare and empty again. Eased, but empty.
"But I'll still hate you bloodsuckers and your sparkly fairy dust." He chuckled.
"And I'll still hate you mutts and your wet dog stench." I smiled half-heartedly, my heart growing emptier by the second.
I watched as Jacob ran off and disappeared into the darkness. Bella would have happiness, love, and the truth now. That was all I asked for, for her to smile. Sure, I would not like it anymore than living with a pack of mutts behind my back, but Bella would be happy. And that was what love pretty much meant to me.
Is it really true our love is over now?
Can it be time for us to say goodbye?
Too soon, it's much too soon, my love, for me;
You smile with ease, but I can only sigh.
We've shared our lives and given so much love;
I can't believe we're really going to part;
You're moving toward a new life without me;
I'm left with scars upon my broken heart.
Go on now, if you must; I'll get along;
How much it hurts, I don't want you to know.
I'll set you free without inducing guilt,
But as you leave, the silent tears will flow.
I can't be mad; I love you way too much;
I'll hide my sadness now, so you can't tell.
Sweet happiness is what I wish for you;
Farewell my love, I hope that you fare well.
-Flashforward-
A soul, have I not. A heart, had I lost. With the mighty plague of love, I had lost all hopes but one. But none, was within me. An empty heart, was last of what I expected. She promised, again and again had I said. She promised! She promised! She promised! Hark to the silence, words hanging dry in the air. She promised, I said once to myself, and said it yet again. Yes, she promised. But how could I believe that? The truth was said, proven with words from the mouth, and the condolences. Oh, the condolences. How it took my heart in its hands and crushed it. Pain, was the only numb to the loss. My fingers pressing the buttons of the phone, and a 'ring!' set into repeat, as a stood for what last of hope. That one hope would be one that would determine, if I would be all but alive.
"Swan Residence." The familiar voice said in a low, husky tone.
"Is-is… Is Charlie…" I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "May I speak to Charlie?" I asked in a ready but dull tone.
"He's not here." Jacob's voice was harsh, cold. Suspicion left me hanging by the thread. She didn't keep her promise.
"Where is he?" It sounded much more dreadful. I was already starting to take chances at death, rethinking how I would want to die.
"He's at a funeral." I felt the frame of the phone change as I crushed the phone.
So she was dead, Bella was dead. How could I carry on with the thought of losing the person most important to me? No, exactly, I couldn't. I was shivering hard enough for me to notice. Nothing could get me out of this drunken stupor of heartbreak, nothing. I couldn't live in a world knowing Bella didn't exist, no. It seemed… Death, was the only exception.
These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which as they kiss consume.