Galaxy Police Kiyone's Space Adventure [Kiyone Special]
By Kevin Sigmund (bshrimp@together.net)
Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo and all of its characters are the property of
AIC and Pioneer LDC. This document is written in the spirit of fun, and
is not intended as an infringement on these property rights. The same
applies to the Red Dwarf theme song, owned by Grant Naylor Productions.
"The only thing worse than no backup is having a bad backup.", Paranoia:
Title Deleted For Security Reasons, by Ed Bolme
Alone in his office, Captain Nobeyama sighed. He simply wasn't
cut out for this kind of work. Not only did it involve guns and big
burly men who could pound him into paste without any effort, but he had
somehow worked his way into management, something he wasn't cut out for
in the slightest. At heart, he was nothing more than a simple paper
pusher, and all he ever managed to do right was data entry. Of course,
even that wasn't something to be proud of, being that he still was a
proud member of the poke and prod method of typing.
Captain Nobeyama sighed again. If only he had taken that job at
the Meat-Lyke Byproduct factory on Relios IV, just like his mum wanted.
Sure the stench was something awful, and the chemical fumes were toxic
enough to made you hair fall out, but at least he wouldn't have had to
deal with people, especially people named Mihoshi.
However, the Captain's daydreams of packaging synthetic meat were
soon interrupted by the appearance of a certain female officer he had
been expecting...
"Back from the dead again, officer Kiyone? That makes it what,
four times this year?", said Captain Nobeyama, attempting to make a
joke.
"Actually, its been seven times sir.", said Detective Kiyone
curtly in response.
"Er... Seven? That many? Well I suppose I should have a talk
with officer Mihoshi about this, I mean we just can't have her reporting
you dead every time she comes back from a field assignment without you.
I mean, just think of all the paperwork involved."
Stupefied, Detective Kiyone nearly fell to the ground,
"WAH-WHAT?!? Is that all you're going to do? Just give her a slap on
the wrist and then forget the whole thing ever happened?"
"Well I should think that a slap on the wrist is a bit too harsh.
But I'm sure... Uh... you meant that in the figurative sense, didn't
you?", said the Captain, a slight bead of sweat forming on his brow.
"LOOK HERE YOU BUREAUCRATIC BOZO!!!", shouted Detective Kiyone,
as she barely restrained herself from lunging at her superior's throat.
Feeling in the forgiving mood, the Captain let Kiyone's outburst
pass, "Look, you're tired, I'm sure that once you take a nice shower and
a..."
Shaking her head, Detective Kiyone interrupted her superior,
"Sir, I've put up with Mihoshi longer than any other officer alive,
and let me assure you there *IS* a reason why her last four partners
retired from the force."
"But you must admit that her service record is exemplary.
Despite Mihoshi's unorthodox methods, all cases she had been assigned
to get completed in record time, with only a small amount of negligible
property damage."
"Negligible? She took out an entire Galactic Bank just last
week!"
"Yes, but that Galactic Bank was due to be condemned anyway.",
The Captain, seeing that his audience wasn't impressed, continued further,
"Besides, you have to admit that Mihoshi's observational skills are in a
class of their own."
"Only on the rare occasions where that scatterbrain takes the
time to collect her thoughts, otherwise all you get is a bunch of
rambling rants and general mish-mash!"
The Captain sighed, this wasn't going very well, "Look, maybe it
would be better if we talked about what happened this time?"
"Gladly. This case in particular started as how most of our
cases start out..."
****
Functional chaos. That was the best way to describe Galaxy
Police Seventh Headquarters. Designed after a children's toy, the
headquarters itself was a mish-mash of odd angles and poorly designed
hallways. Aside from the inherent design flaws, the Galaxy Police itself
was more of a bureaucracy than a competent police force. Between the
numerous forms that needed to be filed in triplicate, and the barrage of
lawyers which impeded almost every action made, it was amazing that
anything got done.
However, ironically, Detective Kiyone wouldn't have it any
other way. Sure it was a hassle, and sure the system could be improved,
but the fact of the matter was that being a Galaxy Police officer was a
challenge like no other, and a position of honor that Detective Kiyone
was immensely proud of. Life, for her, would be perfect if only she
could ditch her numbskull of a partner. Speaking of which...
As per usual, Mihoshi was late and rather flustered, and before
Kiyone could even get a word in edgewise, Mihoshi began on another one
of her usual long winded tirades, "Oh it was awful! First they made
me deliver the mail and that's not all, and then they... Huh?"
"I said, you knocked the mail cart over again, didn't you?",
said Detective Kiyone, finally piercing Mihoshi's usual obstruction of
reality.
Looking up meekly, Mihoshi responded, "Well uhm... Yes."
Kiyone sighed, "My life was absolutely perfect until I became a
Detective. But ever since you were made my partner my life has been an
absolute nightmare!"
"Now, now things are getting better all the time.", said Mihoshi
in her most consoling voice.
Kiyone barely restrained herself from killing her partner as she
turned to her, "You're the last person to be telling me that!"
"Well, uh... How 'bout we have some tea? Wouldn't that be
nice?"
"Tea? We don't have any tea... Unless you mean. No you
couldn't, could you?"
"Yup! I had Markie fixed, isn't that great Kiyone?", said
Mihoshi, producing a medium sized cylindrical robot from behind her
back.
***
In the Universe there are two primary constants. One is that
life is a very special and unique thing that should be cherished.
The other constant is that intelligence is not something to be
squandered. However, by in large, anyone who's personally dealt with
Mechanicals will tell you that A: Those two "Constants" are bunk, and
B: Will kindly suggest you stick you nearest orifice into an
electrical outlet.
Mechanicals, by nature, dislike organics and as such tend to
be unruly and think poorly of their creators (or organic oppressors,
as most Mechanicals prefer to call them). Of course, some Mechanicals
merely take pity on their organic cousins, while others openly despise
organics. The XG-5 Mark II Food Dispenser (or Markie, as Mihoshi calls
him) is no exception to this rule.
"WHAT! Don't tell you brought that monster back to life?!?
What were you thinking?", shouted Kiyone, still unbelieving what was
transpiring.
"Monster? I'm hurt. Kiyone's being mean to me Mihoshi.",
sniffled the robot.
"Now come on Kiyone, apologize to Markie!", whined Mihoshi.
"Why? Look, I hope you're not forgetting how that thing tried
to kill me last week!", said Kiyone, just barely refraining from
shouting.
"Listen hear meatsack! I'll have you know that radioactive
isotopes are considered quite the delicacy among the Laroquonians of
Beta 7.", said Markie, in a tone that was a mix of sarcasm and
half-hearted remorse.
Indignant, Kiyone was quick to respond, "Do I look like a
Laroquonian? Besides, I'm not even talking about that, I'm talking
about how you tried to insert my head into that portable microwave
of yours!"
Its voice oozing with venom, the robot responded to Kiyone's
accusations, "Well, you did complain that you had a head cold."
"You know that's right Kiyone, I'll bet Markie was just
trying to be helpful.", said Mihoshi, rather unhelpfully.
"EUGH!", screamed Kiyone, "Okay fine you can keep... Markie.
But just keep piece of junk away from me!"
"Yea!", squealed Mihoshi, "But did you really have to call
him a piece of junk?"
In a tone that was unusually submissive, the robot spoke up,
"Its okay Mihoshi, I'm used to getting little respect. I mean,
nobody takes a can opener seriously, so why should I be any
different."
"Oh that's not true!", protested Mihoshi.
"That's so kind of you to say Mihoshi.", began the droid,
"But nobody takes an appliance seriously anymore. Not since they
retired the Megtag line of nuclear assault washer/dryer combos."
"Oh. Er.. Then maybe you should try another line of work?",
suggested Mihoshi helpfully.
"And where do you expect Markie to work Mihoshi?", said
Kiyone, "I mean, it hard enough for a humanoid to break into a new
career. Besides, Markie is owned piece and parcel by the Galaxy
Police, I mean it isn't likely they'd let him do part-time for
somebody else."
Mihoshi bit her lip, not sure what to say. That is until
the following idea popped into her head, "Well, he could always
become an officer."
"WHAT!!!", screamed Kiyone, nearly jumping out of her
seat.
Almost sinisterly, the Mechanical responded positively to
this new suggestion, "Hey, that isn't a bad idea! Hey, I mean if
Mihoshi can do it, why can't I?"
Recovering normally calm demeanor, Kiyone nonchalantly
responded, "Yeah well, not everyone has family connections like
her."
Almost bawling in reaction, Mihoshi was quick to respond,
"Hey that's not fair Kiyone! I'll have you know that I did
amazingly well on the written exam!"
"Yeah as you keep reminding me...", and muttering to
herself, Kiyone sighed, "Of course, that's *ALL* you did well on."
"Well, I can't comment on the tests until I see 'em,
but I'll have you know that I too have family connections at GP!"
"Really? Wow! Who is it? Anyone we know?", asked
Mihoshi eagerly.
Embarrassed, the robot was hesitant to respond,
"Well sorta..."
"Okay, out with it. Who's your 'family' connection?",
said Kiyone.
"Er... THESTANDARDISSUEGPAUTOPISTOLSIDEARM.", said Markie
in a jumble.
Perplexed, Kiyone asked, "Come again?"
Markie sighed, "The standard issue GP auto-pistol.
Y'know, your sidearm."
"And how do you figure you're related to it, huh?", asked
Kiyone sarcastically.
"Well, I *AM* made by the same manufacturer, Dezstreck Co.
Plus, we share *MANY* standardized parts."
"And you think that makes you related? Did Mihoshi
reprogram your logic circuits while I wasn't looking?"
"Watch it fleshwad, or I'll have my 'cousin' backfire
on you..."
"Ooh scary, as if my sidearm had any intelligence...",
said Kiyone with a snide flourish, while double-checking the
safety on her weapon. After all, it was better to be safe, rather
than sorry. Then clearing her throat, Kiyone continued, "Anyway
Mihoshi, do you know why you're here?"
"Well when you get right down to it, do any of us really
know why we're here? I mean its really a question of existence when
you come right down to it, thinking therefore I am sorta stuff. Of
course, I really never got that far in philosophy class, I only got
a C minus after all, but if you were to ask me...", babbled Mihoshi.
Nostrils flaring, Kiyone barely restrained herself from
striking her partner, "MIHOSHI!
"Huh?"
"I meant, do you know why I called you down to the
office?"
"Oh."
"Well?"
"Uhm... I forgot.", admitted Mihoshi.
"Figures. Alright, since you don't have a clue what's
going on, (as usual,) I best get you up to speed. This," said
Kiyone as she gestured to a nearby display screen, "is Isotope 456,
an artificial energy matter that is currently under development.
Unfortunately, somebody out there is being rather naughty and swiping
the stuff as soon as its produced."
"Who's that?", said Mihoshi, pointing to the Galaxy Police
officer that was prominent on the display screen.
"That's Special Investigator Mitsuki, from the Metropolitan
Police Headquarters. You remember her, she was in our class back
at the academy."
"Oh yeah, I remember her. She's the one that you said had the
brains of a mollusk and the looks to match.
"Er.. Well anyway during the course of her investigation
into these crimes, Mitsuki caught the pirate responsible red-handed,
only to be captured herself. Right now we don't even know if she's
dead or alive."
"What a bonehead."
"True. Uh, I mean I'm sorry to have her be called a bonehead
by you."
"Detective Mitsuki is alive, I just know it!", said the new
visitor, as he brazenly strode into the pair's private office.
"Well now, it's you.", said Kiyone, "Mihoshi, this is
Sagami, heir to the Jurai Plutocrats and Mitsuki's fiancé. And
Sagami, this bubblehead is my partner, Mihoshi."
"Hi, how'd yah do. You must be the space pirate, right?",
said Mihoshi, not fully paying attention.
Enraged, Kiyone was quick to respond, "Weren't you paying
*ANY* attention?"
"Sorry."
A slight bead of sweat forming on his brow, Sagami
interrupted this exchange, "Uh..."
"I'm sorry, Mihoshi can be a little. Er...", said Kiyone,
her voice trailing off, "Anyway, I really wish you had stayed in
the waiting area until I called for you. I still haven't fully
briefed Mihoshi yet."
"I'm sorry, I guess I was just impatient. Look, its just
that I'm really worried about Mitsuki, and I asked the Commissioner
for the best Detectives he had, and he recommended you, in fact he
recommended you very highly.", said Sagami rather forcefully.
Flattered, Kiyone was taken a bit aback, "Oh, I see.
Well, that makes sense."
"On behalf of Jurai Plutocrats, I request that you rescue
Detective Mitsuki safe and sound, and then I want you to make those
responsible for her capture to pay with their lives!", said Sagami,
holding up a clenched fist for flourish.
"Yes sir, we'll get right on that.", said Mihoshi, "Oh
wait, we can't."
"Why not?", asked Sagami hesitantly.
Babbling, Mihoshi responded, "Well we don't know the value
of their lives, and wouldn't have any idea what to charge them.
Besides, there's always the exchange rate to consider, and..."
Not wishing her partner to embarrass her further, Kiyone
interrupted, "Mihoshi, just say 'Yes sir, understood. Just
leave all to us.'"
"Yes sir, understood. Just leave it all to us?"
"Erm... Well, then I'll leave you to it.", said a rather
confused Sagami as he dejectedly left the pair of Detectives.
"Mihoshi, what am I going to do with you? I mean
couldn't you have used a bit more tact?", asked Kiyone to her
dim witted partner.
"Tack? Why Kiyone, we're not going fishing, are we?"
"Huh?", asked Kiyone confusedly, "No, I mean shouldn't you
have used a bit more delicacy with his feelings?"
"So you're saying that I should have rubbed sushi all
over his face?"
Absolutely shocked, Kiyone responded, "WHAT?!?"
"Well we were talking about fish, weren't we? And since
sushi is considered a delicacy by some, I just thought that you
wanted me to..."
And as if to torment Kiyone further, Markie added his own
little gem to this conversation, "Personally, I think this entire
conversation is in poor taste."
"Quiet you.", retorted Kiyone.
***
After some more meaningless conversation, the Detectives made
their way to their Patrol ship and headed out into the vast endless
night, their course leading them into an adventure of action and
intrigue. Of course, space travel is never an instantaneous
excursion, and finding ways to pass the time is never an easy task.
This case proves most true in the case of Detectives Mihoshi and
Kiyone...
"And I'll ask you again, why did you ever bring that
thing?!?", asked Kiyone.
"Well Kiyone, Markie wanted to come.", said Mihoshi, adding
rather unhelpfully, "Besides, I like good tea."
"But Markie doesn't even make good tea!"
"Well not for you at any rate.", said Markie snidely,
"Besides, I *AM* a Apprentice Detective!"
"NO YOU ARE NOT!", screamed Kiyone.
"Okay, okay.", said Mihoshi trying to calm her partner,
"Just calm down Kiyone and let's just enjoy the trip."
"You're right Mihoshi. All this arguing isn't getting us
anywhere."
"Uhm.. Kiyone, where are we going after all?"
"Well first we're going to check out Mitsuki's quarters.
The way I figure it, she's been on this case for some time, and
she'd bound to have left some clues as to where the pirate will
strike next.", said Kiyone, then looking slightly dejected, she
continued, "Of course, if this doesn't pan out, I don't know what
to do next."
"Oh. Can I ask you something else?"
"Sure."
"Why did you kick the ship when we started out? I mean it
isn't like it ever did anything to you."
"Yeah that's right vermin, what did this ship ever do to
you?", said Markie, rather nasally.
"What that?", said Kiyone with a slight grin aimed in
Markie's direction, "Its just a trick I learned at the academy,
gets the quad-foil reactors on-line faster."
"Oh. I'm thirsty, you thirsty Kiyone?"
"No, not really. Uhm, Mihoshi what are you drinking?"
"Oh. Death and Glory spirits. You sure you don't want
one?"
***
Some time later, the duo eventually made their was to
Metropolitan Space Police Headquarters, which despite its
impressive name, was more or less exact replica of Seventh
Headquarters, the only noticeable difference being the number of
ships that commerced its star lanes.
Largely unimpressed by what they saw, the two Detectives were
quick to made their way down to Special Investigator Mitsuki's
private quarters, where they soon received an unpleasant surprise...
"Someone's inside!", said Kiyone, in a hushed voice to her
partner.
"Are you sure?", asked Mihoshi, making sure she heard her
partner correctly.
"Yes, you can hear them moving around inside and take a
look at the doormat. See? That mud is still fresh.", said Kiyone
as she pointed to the dirty welcome mat.
"Oh. Well then...", said Mihoshi as she reached up and
depressed the doorbell button.
Grabbing Mihoshi rather forcefully, Kiyone began to
reprimand her partner, "What *ARE* you doing?!?
Oblivious to what she did wrong, Mihoshi happily answered
her partner, "Oh, I was just ringing the doorbell, I mean it'd
only be polite."
"Don't you understand? Nobody's supposed to be here
except us! In cases like this, stealth and surprise are what's
important! And how can we have any stealth if you go an ring the
door like that!"
Surprisingly, a familiar face came to greet the two
Detectives, "Hello? Oh Kiyone, its only you."
Shocked, Kiyone barely managed to get out a response,
"M-mitsuki? But I thought you were taken by the Space Pirates?"
"Oh that!", began Mitsuki, "Well I escaped. I mean,
after all, it isn't like I'm not a trained professional who
doesn't know what she's doing."
"But haven't you made your report yet?", asked Kiyone,
"Central office still lists you as missing, last I knew."
"No... No, not yet. I just got back after all and
haven't gotten around to it yet."
"Well then, why don't you fill us in on the details
of what you've found out about the Pirates so far?"
"NO! I mean, er... I wouldn't want to share *MY* cases
with a pair of mere Detectives after all.", said Mitsuki in a
manner that was a bit too forceful.
Growling from the insult, Kiyone managed a response,
"Okay Mitsuki, then why don't you at least come down to the
office so we can file a report informing central office of
your escape."
"No, I don't think..."
"That's weird Kiyone.", interrupted Mihoshi, "Usually
Mitsuki is always so sweet when you're around, always talking
about 'other' Detectives she could mention, but here she just
called you a mere Detective to your face. Also why is she being
so defensive? I mean its almost as if she doesn't want to tell
the Central office *ANYTHING* about this case."
Taken aback by Mihoshi's keen observation, it took
Kiyone only a moment to see the truth, "Mihoshi? You're
absolutely right!"
"I am? Oh goody!", squealed Mihoshi in response.
"That's not Mitsuki! Nab her!", said Kiyone as she
lunged at her target.
***
After a brief interchange, the two Detectives manage to
overpower and bind the imposter. Her limp form no longer struggling
against the bindings of Kiyone's filament wire yo-yo, the two
Detectives were left free to search the remains of Mitsuki's former
apartment...
"Wow, Mitsuki's a real slob, isn't she Kiyone?", observed
Mihoshi as she toured Mitsuki's apartment.
"Maybe Mihoshi,", commented Kiyone, "But I think it was
that imposter who's responsible for the current state of things."
"Oh, so you think she's Mitsuki's maid, huh?"
"Of course not!", shouted Kiyone, but then sighing, she
continued, "I wonder what she could have been looking for?
"Looking for? What do you mean Kiyone?"
"Well she just wouldn't come to a Galaxy Police
Headquarters for no reason, it must have been for something
really important."
"Oh, you mean something like this vase here?", said
Mihoshi holding up a stylized and rather ornate vase.
"Of course not!", said Kiyone instinctively, but then
looked closer at the object Mihoshi was holding, "No wait, let
me look at that vase."
"Why Kiyone? Do you think its valuable? My mom could
appraise it for you if you'd like..."
Ignoring her partner, Kiyone noticed something important,
"This symbol, I recognize it! It belongs to the famous former
Galaxy Academy Professor, Dr. Clay!"
"So he must be the one working behind the scenes!",
gasped Mihoshi.
"Er.. Yes that's right, but how did you figure that
out?"
"I'm not a complete air-head Kiyone, I notice things.
Ooh, is that a cookie jar?", said Mihoshi as she gestured to the
aforementioned object that was sitting in the remains of Mitsuki's
tattered remains of an apartment.
***
Later, after Detectives Kiyone and Mihoshi had placed the
Mitsuki imposter into incarceration, the pair separated to
accomplish their own individual tasks. Kiyone went off to give
Sagami and her superiors and update the status of the case, while
Mihoshi proceeded to head down to lock-down to interrogate their
recent capture...
"Oh goody, you're awake!", squealed Mihoshi, "Now I can
read you your rights. Now how did Kiyone say they went again?
Oh yeah, first you have the right to remain silent. Next,
whatever you say may be used against you at your trial. Third,
you have the right to request an attorney. Fourth, if you have
no money a public defender will be assigned. And lastly, if you
attempt to run away there's going to be extra punishment!"
"Mihoshi?", asked Mitsuki hesitantly.
"Yes?"
Her eyes pleading, Mitsuki tried to convince her
captor of her innocence, "You gotta get me out of here, it's
a mistake, I'm the *REAL* Mitsuki, the pirate escaped some time
ago!"
"How horrible!", began Mihoshi, "Wait a minute! How do
I know you're not lying?"
"Me lie? You know I'd never do that to you."
"Good point, well then I'll just unlock... Hey wait,
how do I know you're you?"
"Who else would I be?"
"Another good point Mitsuki. Well then, I'll just enter
in the code and you'll be all set."
***
A short time later...
"Good Afternoon, this is GHK news, at noon. A gunfight
was reported late last night in the shuttle port, inside a Galaxy
Police headquarters. According to GHK sources, a prisoner space
pirate, under the current guise of Special Investigator Mitsuki,
invaded the space port and fled in a captured shuttle. Special
Investigator Mitsuki...", however the report on the display
screen was soon interrupted.
"Off.", said Mihoshi.
"There go my chances of promotion. What on Terra were
you thinking Mihoshi?", said Kiyone, her eyes still moist with
tears.
"Relax Kiyone, I put a tracer on her before she
got away."
"What? A tracer?", said Kiyone, her attitude much
improved.
"Yup! But we better get moving before she moves too
far out of range."
Shocked, Kiyone found herself at a loss for words,
"Mihoshi... That almost seems... competent. No it *IS*
competent! Good, no great job Mihoshi!"
"Wow, thanks Kiyone! Uhm, can we pick up some more Death
and Glory spirits on the way? I think we're all out."
***
Following the signal of the tracking device that Mihoshi
planted, the two Detectives follow the signals to what appears to
be an old derelict space rig. Switching the propulsion units over
to stealth mode, the patrol ship docks silently with the
structure, and the two Detectives sneak aboard. However,
their presence does not go unnoticed and the pair soon find
themselves knocked into unconscious by the faux Mitsuki which had
lead them to this very platform...
"Welcome all...", said a sinister and foreboding voice.
In unison, the two Detectives were quick to respond,
"Its Dr. Clay!"
"But I'm afraid you're a little too late. My invention
is already complete. Look at this...", said Dr. Clay as he
gestured to the workings of a rather large and dangerous looking
weapon, "This is it! The ultimate weapon, that Galaxy Destroyer!
The Dimensional Cannon, Mark II!"
Unable to help herself, Kiyone made a snide comment,
"Mark II? Now that's original."
"Dare you mock my genius? But alas, what more could I
hope to expect from such inferior minds?"
"You leave Mihoshi out of this!", shot back Kiyone.
"Yeah!", agreed Mihoshi.
"Enough! Zero, take these two GP down to the brig to
join their fellow officer, if they give you any trouble
however, kill them."
"Eek!", squealed Mihoshi.
"Well... Well not all of them, I'll need at least one
officer alive to present my demands to the Galaxy Police."
"Demands? What demands?", pondered Kiyone aloud.
"To be made the ultimate ruler of my own galaxy, of
course!"
"Galaxy Police will never negotiate with terrorists!"
"So much the pity, I always did enjoy the service's
amusing antics. However, if I must I will harbor no remorse in
eliminating the entire Galaxy Police force!"
"But that's mad!"
"As long as my power is recognized through the universe,
I don't care. It really doesn't matter. Do you hear me,
I don't care! Now leave me, I have much to do..."
***
And with that, the simulagent Zero takes the two
Detectives down to the aforementioned brig, to finally be reunited
with their fellow GP officer, Mitsuki. And just as quickly as she
came, Zero makes her way back to Dr. Clay, leaving the GP officers
alone with their thoughts...
"At last, my saviors have come!", said Mitsuki, rather
depressingly.
"Shut up Mitsuki!", shot back Kiyone.
"Oh no, am I annoying you Kiyone? I'm so sorry.", said
Mitsuki with a slight grin.
"Hey you've still got your gun!", shouted Kiyone
noticing that the officer did indeed still have her sidearm.
"Little good it does me, the hexa-conical coil is burnt
out, how else do you think that duplicator droid was able to nab
me so easily?"
"I can think of a few ways..."
"What was that?", asked Mitsuki rather sinisterly.
With a slight grin, Kiyone responded, "I said,
'I'm baffled as to what to say.'"
"I'm sure you did..."
Just noticing that her partner was busily fiddling
with her wrist computer, Kiyone said, "Mihoshi what are you
doing?"
"Just calling for help Kiyone.", offered Mihoshi in
response as she continued her work.
"But Mihoshi, even if Dr. Clay isn't jamming signals,
there's no way anyone you contact will get here in nearly
enough time."
"Oh?", said a familiarly sinister voice, "Funny, I just
guess I'm too late. Darn. Better head back to the ship,
I guess..."
"MARKIE!!!", shouted Kiyone, half in surprise, half in
utter shock.
"Oooh, the monkey got it in one! What you going to do
for an encore, juggle?"
"Just get us out of here!", said Kiyone briskly.
"There.", said Markie as he depressed the correct button
on the controls, "Happy?"
"Much.", began Kiyone, but then her eyes lit up when
she spotted Mitsuki's pistol, "Say I'm looking for a
hexa-conical coil, got any?"
"What do I look like, a hardware store?"
"No, but I do recall you mentioning something about
standardized parts. And I think its about time we put that
assertion to the test, don't you?"
"Oh shoot."
"That's what I'm hoping to do."
***
Moments later...
"It ends now Clay!", defiantly stated Kiyone, as she,
Markie, Mihoshi, and Mitsuki confronted the mad doctor.
"Wha? How did you get up here? Zero!!!", said Dr. Clay,
calling for help.
"Looking for your assistant? She's a little tied up right
now. A little tied up in your ship to be precise."
"Did you think that she was the only assistant at my
disposal?", said Dr. Clay with a sweeping gesture, "Mecha-Squid
attack them!"
"Unintelligent robots? How I weep for you. Eat flaming
hot radioactive wasabi death!", said Markie as he unleashed a wave
of piping hot, semi-toxic, chemical death.
"Clever.", said Dr. Clay, somewhat impressed, "But hot and
spicy food is no match for science!"
"Really? Then how 'bout good old fashion plasma bolts?",
said Kiyone, brandishing Mitsuki's repaired auto-pistol.
"Ah you forget, I still have the Dimensional Cannon at
my disposal. One wrong move GP and I'll use this controller to
vaporize this entire quadrant!"
Blasting the controller out of Dr. Clay's grip, Kiyone
was quick to retort, "Controller? What controller?"
"This is not the end!", said Dr. Clay as he started to
back away, desperate for a means of escape.
"Yes it is, now give it up!", said Kiyone, but backed up
a bit as she came to overlook the precipice that overlooked the
weapon's enormous power core, "Energy. Enormous Energy!"
Attempting to aid her partner, Mihoshi rushed forward,
only to trip on the way, "Surrender. Surrender. Wah-ha!"
"What have you done!", shouted Dr. Clay as the complex
began to rattle and shake soon after Kiyone's forced descent.
Her eyes streaming with tears, Mihoshi feel to her
knees, "KIYONE! KIYONE!"
"Leave her!", hissed Mitsuki as she began to drag
Mihoshi towards their patrol ship, "This place is about to blow!
We gotta get outta here!"
"But Kiyone... KIYONE!"
****
Her report finished, Detective Kiyone patiently
waited for her superior's response...
"So your gun fell into the core and blew it up, while
you fell down an open power access shaft, and made your way to
an escape pod, narrowly avoiding a otherwise disastrous fate?",
said the Captain.
"The falling part wouldn't have been so bad, if it
wasn't for that sudden stop at the end.", joked Kiyone, "But yes,
that's how I survived my fall. Of course, in the confusion Dr. Clay
and that marionette of his were able to get away scot free."
"I wouldn't say that Detective. While it is true that Dr.
Clay did get away, your actions prevented him from using his
Dimensional Cannon to hold the Galaxy Police at ransom, in
addition to destroying a rather large cache of weapons he had at
his disposal."
"Yes, but he may have much more where that came from.
If only Mihoshi hadn't tripped and pushed me, I might have been
able to capture Dr. Clay and close this case once and for all."
"I wouldn't fret about it Detective Kiyone. What
bothers me is how Detective Mihoshi's actions might have very
well cost you your life. Its true that I was hesitant to offer
you a promotion because compared to all the rest, you are able to
at least keep a semi-balance of a working relationship with
Detective Mihoshi. However, your actions in this case prove that
you are fully qualified to advance to the next level.
Furthermore, Detective Mihoshi's actions have shown that she is
a danger to herself and to others, and is therefore no longer fit
for duty."
"Sir you can't do that! I mean, yes its true Mihoshi does
have some difficulties working with others, but her actions in this
case show that she does indeed have the makings of a fine Detective.
I'm sure that she'll come around if you give her the opportunity
to work on some cases on a individual basis. At the very least,
it might get you some points with the Marshal."
"Very well then Detective Kiyone, I will take you
suggestions under consideration. Until next we meet. Dismissed."
****
As expected, Kiyone found Mihoshi at the Celestial
Serenade, a local galactic Karaoke joint that she tended to
frequent. Also as expected, Mihoshi sat depressed at the bar,
dejectedly fiddling with her drink. However, following Kiyone's
entrance, Mihoshi's attitude was much improved...
"Kiyone! I thought you died!"
"Nope, I guess I'm just not that lucky.", said Kiyone,
slightly chuckling.
"Don't kid Kiyone. I... I could never have forgiven
myself if.. if.."
"As opposed to all those other times that you
reported me dead?"
"Aha, oh those...", said Mihoshi, a slight bead of sweat
forming on her brow.
"Don't worry about it Mihoshi...", playfully said Kiyone,
but then her features turned more serious, "But I do have to
talk to you about something."
"What Kiyone?", asked Mihoshi hesitantly.
"My promotion came through, as of next week I'll be
a Special Investigator. Just like Mitsuki."
"Oh. And what about me?"
"You're to be assigned to a patrol position, to see
how you handle working alone. If you do well enough, maybe
you'll become a Special Investigator too, won't that be nice?"
"But I don't wanna leave you Kiyone!"
"Oh, that's so sweet Mihoshi. But we'll always be
friends, won't we?"
Still sniffling, Mihoshi looked pleadingly up to her
former partner's face, "Yeah I guess so..."
"Look, here we are in a Karaoke bar and we're not
singing! You know what that means..."
"But Kiyone, you hate singing!"
With a playful grin on her face, Kiyone continued,
"Aw, just this one time."
"Okay, but what will we sing?"
Flipping through a booklet of the available songs, Kiyone
found the one she was looking for, "How about this one?"
"But it really isn't a duet."
"Oh well, I think we can improvise something..."
It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere
I'm all alone, more or less
Let me fly far away from here
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose
Drinking fresh mango juice
Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
I'll pack my bags and head into hyperspace
Where I'll succeed at time-warp speed
Spend my days in ultraviolet rays
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
We'll lock on course straight through the universe
You and me and the galaxy
Reach the stage where hyperdrive's engaged
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
[End.]
As you might have already guessed, I am a sad, sad man that craves your
attention. This being the case, please send all comments, criticism,
and death threats to bshrimp@together.net . That being said, I guess I
best try to explain the story.
First of all, let me point out that if you haven't seen the Mihoshi
Special yet, then all you should be missing out on is the significance
of the Death & Glory spirits joke. Other than that, I wrote this story
to stand on its own, and in fact it only vaguely resembles the actual
Mihoshi Special (or at least I think so).
Now, let's get into greatter detail, starting with an explaination of
Captain Nobeyama. Nobeyama, according to the Tenchi Muyo RPG (by
Guardians of Order), is the name of Mihoshi's superior. I even e-mailed
them on this one, and they told me that that this is his official cannon
name, at least according to secondary sources. Even if this isn't an
"official" name by your reckoning, it is at least a passable one IMO, so
I went ahead and used it in this fic.
The inspiration for Markie derives from a number of sources; Douglas
Adam's Hitchhiker's books, Grant/Naylor's Red Dwarf, and West End Games
Paranoia. Now while I'll admit that he's not totally original, I'd like
to believe I characterized him rather well. If you agree or disagree,
tell me (this goes back to my sad lonely man admission that I made
earlier).
Finally, some people unfamiler with the extended version of the Red
Dwarf theme song might suspect that I came up with those last two verses
on my lonesome. Good. Er... What I meant to say is that I didn't
write them, a guy named Ian Hu did. I suggest you check out an on-line
Red Dwarf FAQ for better detail than I can give (Hint: Check out the
'What are the lyrics to the Red Dwarf theme song?' question).
Welp, that's it. I can't think of anything more that I think you'd like
to hear. Or maybe I do, but I want you send me your questions because
of that aforementioned, sad lonely man thing. I dunno, could be either,
I guess.
By Kevin Sigmund (bshrimp@together.net)
Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo and all of its characters are the property of
AIC and Pioneer LDC. This document is written in the spirit of fun, and
is not intended as an infringement on these property rights. The same
applies to the Red Dwarf theme song, owned by Grant Naylor Productions.
"The only thing worse than no backup is having a bad backup.", Paranoia:
Title Deleted For Security Reasons, by Ed Bolme
Alone in his office, Captain Nobeyama sighed. He simply wasn't
cut out for this kind of work. Not only did it involve guns and big
burly men who could pound him into paste without any effort, but he had
somehow worked his way into management, something he wasn't cut out for
in the slightest. At heart, he was nothing more than a simple paper
pusher, and all he ever managed to do right was data entry. Of course,
even that wasn't something to be proud of, being that he still was a
proud member of the poke and prod method of typing.
Captain Nobeyama sighed again. If only he had taken that job at
the Meat-Lyke Byproduct factory on Relios IV, just like his mum wanted.
Sure the stench was something awful, and the chemical fumes were toxic
enough to made you hair fall out, but at least he wouldn't have had to
deal with people, especially people named Mihoshi.
However, the Captain's daydreams of packaging synthetic meat were
soon interrupted by the appearance of a certain female officer he had
been expecting...
"Back from the dead again, officer Kiyone? That makes it what,
four times this year?", said Captain Nobeyama, attempting to make a
joke.
"Actually, its been seven times sir.", said Detective Kiyone
curtly in response.
"Er... Seven? That many? Well I suppose I should have a talk
with officer Mihoshi about this, I mean we just can't have her reporting
you dead every time she comes back from a field assignment without you.
I mean, just think of all the paperwork involved."
Stupefied, Detective Kiyone nearly fell to the ground,
"WAH-WHAT?!? Is that all you're going to do? Just give her a slap on
the wrist and then forget the whole thing ever happened?"
"Well I should think that a slap on the wrist is a bit too harsh.
But I'm sure... Uh... you meant that in the figurative sense, didn't
you?", said the Captain, a slight bead of sweat forming on his brow.
"LOOK HERE YOU BUREAUCRATIC BOZO!!!", shouted Detective Kiyone,
as she barely restrained herself from lunging at her superior's throat.
Feeling in the forgiving mood, the Captain let Kiyone's outburst
pass, "Look, you're tired, I'm sure that once you take a nice shower and
a..."
Shaking her head, Detective Kiyone interrupted her superior,
"Sir, I've put up with Mihoshi longer than any other officer alive,
and let me assure you there *IS* a reason why her last four partners
retired from the force."
"But you must admit that her service record is exemplary.
Despite Mihoshi's unorthodox methods, all cases she had been assigned
to get completed in record time, with only a small amount of negligible
property damage."
"Negligible? She took out an entire Galactic Bank just last
week!"
"Yes, but that Galactic Bank was due to be condemned anyway.",
The Captain, seeing that his audience wasn't impressed, continued further,
"Besides, you have to admit that Mihoshi's observational skills are in a
class of their own."
"Only on the rare occasions where that scatterbrain takes the
time to collect her thoughts, otherwise all you get is a bunch of
rambling rants and general mish-mash!"
The Captain sighed, this wasn't going very well, "Look, maybe it
would be better if we talked about what happened this time?"
"Gladly. This case in particular started as how most of our
cases start out..."
****
Functional chaos. That was the best way to describe Galaxy
Police Seventh Headquarters. Designed after a children's toy, the
headquarters itself was a mish-mash of odd angles and poorly designed
hallways. Aside from the inherent design flaws, the Galaxy Police itself
was more of a bureaucracy than a competent police force. Between the
numerous forms that needed to be filed in triplicate, and the barrage of
lawyers which impeded almost every action made, it was amazing that
anything got done.
However, ironically, Detective Kiyone wouldn't have it any
other way. Sure it was a hassle, and sure the system could be improved,
but the fact of the matter was that being a Galaxy Police officer was a
challenge like no other, and a position of honor that Detective Kiyone
was immensely proud of. Life, for her, would be perfect if only she
could ditch her numbskull of a partner. Speaking of which...
As per usual, Mihoshi was late and rather flustered, and before
Kiyone could even get a word in edgewise, Mihoshi began on another one
of her usual long winded tirades, "Oh it was awful! First they made
me deliver the mail and that's not all, and then they... Huh?"
"I said, you knocked the mail cart over again, didn't you?",
said Detective Kiyone, finally piercing Mihoshi's usual obstruction of
reality.
Looking up meekly, Mihoshi responded, "Well uhm... Yes."
Kiyone sighed, "My life was absolutely perfect until I became a
Detective. But ever since you were made my partner my life has been an
absolute nightmare!"
"Now, now things are getting better all the time.", said Mihoshi
in her most consoling voice.
Kiyone barely restrained herself from killing her partner as she
turned to her, "You're the last person to be telling me that!"
"Well, uh... How 'bout we have some tea? Wouldn't that be
nice?"
"Tea? We don't have any tea... Unless you mean. No you
couldn't, could you?"
"Yup! I had Markie fixed, isn't that great Kiyone?", said
Mihoshi, producing a medium sized cylindrical robot from behind her
back.
***
In the Universe there are two primary constants. One is that
life is a very special and unique thing that should be cherished.
The other constant is that intelligence is not something to be
squandered. However, by in large, anyone who's personally dealt with
Mechanicals will tell you that A: Those two "Constants" are bunk, and
B: Will kindly suggest you stick you nearest orifice into an
electrical outlet.
Mechanicals, by nature, dislike organics and as such tend to
be unruly and think poorly of their creators (or organic oppressors,
as most Mechanicals prefer to call them). Of course, some Mechanicals
merely take pity on their organic cousins, while others openly despise
organics. The XG-5 Mark II Food Dispenser (or Markie, as Mihoshi calls
him) is no exception to this rule.
"WHAT! Don't tell you brought that monster back to life?!?
What were you thinking?", shouted Kiyone, still unbelieving what was
transpiring.
"Monster? I'm hurt. Kiyone's being mean to me Mihoshi.",
sniffled the robot.
"Now come on Kiyone, apologize to Markie!", whined Mihoshi.
"Why? Look, I hope you're not forgetting how that thing tried
to kill me last week!", said Kiyone, just barely refraining from
shouting.
"Listen hear meatsack! I'll have you know that radioactive
isotopes are considered quite the delicacy among the Laroquonians of
Beta 7.", said Markie, in a tone that was a mix of sarcasm and
half-hearted remorse.
Indignant, Kiyone was quick to respond, "Do I look like a
Laroquonian? Besides, I'm not even talking about that, I'm talking
about how you tried to insert my head into that portable microwave
of yours!"
Its voice oozing with venom, the robot responded to Kiyone's
accusations, "Well, you did complain that you had a head cold."
"You know that's right Kiyone, I'll bet Markie was just
trying to be helpful.", said Mihoshi, rather unhelpfully.
"EUGH!", screamed Kiyone, "Okay fine you can keep... Markie.
But just keep piece of junk away from me!"
"Yea!", squealed Mihoshi, "But did you really have to call
him a piece of junk?"
In a tone that was unusually submissive, the robot spoke up,
"Its okay Mihoshi, I'm used to getting little respect. I mean,
nobody takes a can opener seriously, so why should I be any
different."
"Oh that's not true!", protested Mihoshi.
"That's so kind of you to say Mihoshi.", began the droid,
"But nobody takes an appliance seriously anymore. Not since they
retired the Megtag line of nuclear assault washer/dryer combos."
"Oh. Er.. Then maybe you should try another line of work?",
suggested Mihoshi helpfully.
"And where do you expect Markie to work Mihoshi?", said
Kiyone, "I mean, it hard enough for a humanoid to break into a new
career. Besides, Markie is owned piece and parcel by the Galaxy
Police, I mean it isn't likely they'd let him do part-time for
somebody else."
Mihoshi bit her lip, not sure what to say. That is until
the following idea popped into her head, "Well, he could always
become an officer."
"WHAT!!!", screamed Kiyone, nearly jumping out of her
seat.
Almost sinisterly, the Mechanical responded positively to
this new suggestion, "Hey, that isn't a bad idea! Hey, I mean if
Mihoshi can do it, why can't I?"
Recovering normally calm demeanor, Kiyone nonchalantly
responded, "Yeah well, not everyone has family connections like
her."
Almost bawling in reaction, Mihoshi was quick to respond,
"Hey that's not fair Kiyone! I'll have you know that I did
amazingly well on the written exam!"
"Yeah as you keep reminding me...", and muttering to
herself, Kiyone sighed, "Of course, that's *ALL* you did well on."
"Well, I can't comment on the tests until I see 'em,
but I'll have you know that I too have family connections at GP!"
"Really? Wow! Who is it? Anyone we know?", asked
Mihoshi eagerly.
Embarrassed, the robot was hesitant to respond,
"Well sorta..."
"Okay, out with it. Who's your 'family' connection?",
said Kiyone.
"Er... THESTANDARDISSUEGPAUTOPISTOLSIDEARM.", said Markie
in a jumble.
Perplexed, Kiyone asked, "Come again?"
Markie sighed, "The standard issue GP auto-pistol.
Y'know, your sidearm."
"And how do you figure you're related to it, huh?", asked
Kiyone sarcastically.
"Well, I *AM* made by the same manufacturer, Dezstreck Co.
Plus, we share *MANY* standardized parts."
"And you think that makes you related? Did Mihoshi
reprogram your logic circuits while I wasn't looking?"
"Watch it fleshwad, or I'll have my 'cousin' backfire
on you..."
"Ooh scary, as if my sidearm had any intelligence...",
said Kiyone with a snide flourish, while double-checking the
safety on her weapon. After all, it was better to be safe, rather
than sorry. Then clearing her throat, Kiyone continued, "Anyway
Mihoshi, do you know why you're here?"
"Well when you get right down to it, do any of us really
know why we're here? I mean its really a question of existence when
you come right down to it, thinking therefore I am sorta stuff. Of
course, I really never got that far in philosophy class, I only got
a C minus after all, but if you were to ask me...", babbled Mihoshi.
Nostrils flaring, Kiyone barely restrained herself from
striking her partner, "MIHOSHI!
"Huh?"
"I meant, do you know why I called you down to the
office?"
"Oh."
"Well?"
"Uhm... I forgot.", admitted Mihoshi.
"Figures. Alright, since you don't have a clue what's
going on, (as usual,) I best get you up to speed. This," said
Kiyone as she gestured to a nearby display screen, "is Isotope 456,
an artificial energy matter that is currently under development.
Unfortunately, somebody out there is being rather naughty and swiping
the stuff as soon as its produced."
"Who's that?", said Mihoshi, pointing to the Galaxy Police
officer that was prominent on the display screen.
"That's Special Investigator Mitsuki, from the Metropolitan
Police Headquarters. You remember her, she was in our class back
at the academy."
"Oh yeah, I remember her. She's the one that you said had the
brains of a mollusk and the looks to match.
"Er.. Well anyway during the course of her investigation
into these crimes, Mitsuki caught the pirate responsible red-handed,
only to be captured herself. Right now we don't even know if she's
dead or alive."
"What a bonehead."
"True. Uh, I mean I'm sorry to have her be called a bonehead
by you."
"Detective Mitsuki is alive, I just know it!", said the new
visitor, as he brazenly strode into the pair's private office.
"Well now, it's you.", said Kiyone, "Mihoshi, this is
Sagami, heir to the Jurai Plutocrats and Mitsuki's fiancé. And
Sagami, this bubblehead is my partner, Mihoshi."
"Hi, how'd yah do. You must be the space pirate, right?",
said Mihoshi, not fully paying attention.
Enraged, Kiyone was quick to respond, "Weren't you paying
*ANY* attention?"
"Sorry."
A slight bead of sweat forming on his brow, Sagami
interrupted this exchange, "Uh..."
"I'm sorry, Mihoshi can be a little. Er...", said Kiyone,
her voice trailing off, "Anyway, I really wish you had stayed in
the waiting area until I called for you. I still haven't fully
briefed Mihoshi yet."
"I'm sorry, I guess I was just impatient. Look, its just
that I'm really worried about Mitsuki, and I asked the Commissioner
for the best Detectives he had, and he recommended you, in fact he
recommended you very highly.", said Sagami rather forcefully.
Flattered, Kiyone was taken a bit aback, "Oh, I see.
Well, that makes sense."
"On behalf of Jurai Plutocrats, I request that you rescue
Detective Mitsuki safe and sound, and then I want you to make those
responsible for her capture to pay with their lives!", said Sagami,
holding up a clenched fist for flourish.
"Yes sir, we'll get right on that.", said Mihoshi, "Oh
wait, we can't."
"Why not?", asked Sagami hesitantly.
Babbling, Mihoshi responded, "Well we don't know the value
of their lives, and wouldn't have any idea what to charge them.
Besides, there's always the exchange rate to consider, and..."
Not wishing her partner to embarrass her further, Kiyone
interrupted, "Mihoshi, just say 'Yes sir, understood. Just
leave all to us.'"
"Yes sir, understood. Just leave it all to us?"
"Erm... Well, then I'll leave you to it.", said a rather
confused Sagami as he dejectedly left the pair of Detectives.
"Mihoshi, what am I going to do with you? I mean
couldn't you have used a bit more tact?", asked Kiyone to her
dim witted partner.
"Tack? Why Kiyone, we're not going fishing, are we?"
"Huh?", asked Kiyone confusedly, "No, I mean shouldn't you
have used a bit more delicacy with his feelings?"
"So you're saying that I should have rubbed sushi all
over his face?"
Absolutely shocked, Kiyone responded, "WHAT?!?"
"Well we were talking about fish, weren't we? And since
sushi is considered a delicacy by some, I just thought that you
wanted me to..."
And as if to torment Kiyone further, Markie added his own
little gem to this conversation, "Personally, I think this entire
conversation is in poor taste."
"Quiet you.", retorted Kiyone.
***
After some more meaningless conversation, the Detectives made
their way to their Patrol ship and headed out into the vast endless
night, their course leading them into an adventure of action and
intrigue. Of course, space travel is never an instantaneous
excursion, and finding ways to pass the time is never an easy task.
This case proves most true in the case of Detectives Mihoshi and
Kiyone...
"And I'll ask you again, why did you ever bring that
thing?!?", asked Kiyone.
"Well Kiyone, Markie wanted to come.", said Mihoshi, adding
rather unhelpfully, "Besides, I like good tea."
"But Markie doesn't even make good tea!"
"Well not for you at any rate.", said Markie snidely,
"Besides, I *AM* a Apprentice Detective!"
"NO YOU ARE NOT!", screamed Kiyone.
"Okay, okay.", said Mihoshi trying to calm her partner,
"Just calm down Kiyone and let's just enjoy the trip."
"You're right Mihoshi. All this arguing isn't getting us
anywhere."
"Uhm.. Kiyone, where are we going after all?"
"Well first we're going to check out Mitsuki's quarters.
The way I figure it, she's been on this case for some time, and
she'd bound to have left some clues as to where the pirate will
strike next.", said Kiyone, then looking slightly dejected, she
continued, "Of course, if this doesn't pan out, I don't know what
to do next."
"Oh. Can I ask you something else?"
"Sure."
"Why did you kick the ship when we started out? I mean it
isn't like it ever did anything to you."
"Yeah that's right vermin, what did this ship ever do to
you?", said Markie, rather nasally.
"What that?", said Kiyone with a slight grin aimed in
Markie's direction, "Its just a trick I learned at the academy,
gets the quad-foil reactors on-line faster."
"Oh. I'm thirsty, you thirsty Kiyone?"
"No, not really. Uhm, Mihoshi what are you drinking?"
"Oh. Death and Glory spirits. You sure you don't want
one?"
***
Some time later, the duo eventually made their was to
Metropolitan Space Police Headquarters, which despite its
impressive name, was more or less exact replica of Seventh
Headquarters, the only noticeable difference being the number of
ships that commerced its star lanes.
Largely unimpressed by what they saw, the two Detectives were
quick to made their way down to Special Investigator Mitsuki's
private quarters, where they soon received an unpleasant surprise...
"Someone's inside!", said Kiyone, in a hushed voice to her
partner.
"Are you sure?", asked Mihoshi, making sure she heard her
partner correctly.
"Yes, you can hear them moving around inside and take a
look at the doormat. See? That mud is still fresh.", said Kiyone
as she pointed to the dirty welcome mat.
"Oh. Well then...", said Mihoshi as she reached up and
depressed the doorbell button.
Grabbing Mihoshi rather forcefully, Kiyone began to
reprimand her partner, "What *ARE* you doing?!?
Oblivious to what she did wrong, Mihoshi happily answered
her partner, "Oh, I was just ringing the doorbell, I mean it'd
only be polite."
"Don't you understand? Nobody's supposed to be here
except us! In cases like this, stealth and surprise are what's
important! And how can we have any stealth if you go an ring the
door like that!"
Surprisingly, a familiar face came to greet the two
Detectives, "Hello? Oh Kiyone, its only you."
Shocked, Kiyone barely managed to get out a response,
"M-mitsuki? But I thought you were taken by the Space Pirates?"
"Oh that!", began Mitsuki, "Well I escaped. I mean,
after all, it isn't like I'm not a trained professional who
doesn't know what she's doing."
"But haven't you made your report yet?", asked Kiyone,
"Central office still lists you as missing, last I knew."
"No... No, not yet. I just got back after all and
haven't gotten around to it yet."
"Well then, why don't you fill us in on the details
of what you've found out about the Pirates so far?"
"NO! I mean, er... I wouldn't want to share *MY* cases
with a pair of mere Detectives after all.", said Mitsuki in a
manner that was a bit too forceful.
Growling from the insult, Kiyone managed a response,
"Okay Mitsuki, then why don't you at least come down to the
office so we can file a report informing central office of
your escape."
"No, I don't think..."
"That's weird Kiyone.", interrupted Mihoshi, "Usually
Mitsuki is always so sweet when you're around, always talking
about 'other' Detectives she could mention, but here she just
called you a mere Detective to your face. Also why is she being
so defensive? I mean its almost as if she doesn't want to tell
the Central office *ANYTHING* about this case."
Taken aback by Mihoshi's keen observation, it took
Kiyone only a moment to see the truth, "Mihoshi? You're
absolutely right!"
"I am? Oh goody!", squealed Mihoshi in response.
"That's not Mitsuki! Nab her!", said Kiyone as she
lunged at her target.
***
After a brief interchange, the two Detectives manage to
overpower and bind the imposter. Her limp form no longer struggling
against the bindings of Kiyone's filament wire yo-yo, the two
Detectives were left free to search the remains of Mitsuki's former
apartment...
"Wow, Mitsuki's a real slob, isn't she Kiyone?", observed
Mihoshi as she toured Mitsuki's apartment.
"Maybe Mihoshi,", commented Kiyone, "But I think it was
that imposter who's responsible for the current state of things."
"Oh, so you think she's Mitsuki's maid, huh?"
"Of course not!", shouted Kiyone, but then sighing, she
continued, "I wonder what she could have been looking for?
"Looking for? What do you mean Kiyone?"
"Well she just wouldn't come to a Galaxy Police
Headquarters for no reason, it must have been for something
really important."
"Oh, you mean something like this vase here?", said
Mihoshi holding up a stylized and rather ornate vase.
"Of course not!", said Kiyone instinctively, but then
looked closer at the object Mihoshi was holding, "No wait, let
me look at that vase."
"Why Kiyone? Do you think its valuable? My mom could
appraise it for you if you'd like..."
Ignoring her partner, Kiyone noticed something important,
"This symbol, I recognize it! It belongs to the famous former
Galaxy Academy Professor, Dr. Clay!"
"So he must be the one working behind the scenes!",
gasped Mihoshi.
"Er.. Yes that's right, but how did you figure that
out?"
"I'm not a complete air-head Kiyone, I notice things.
Ooh, is that a cookie jar?", said Mihoshi as she gestured to the
aforementioned object that was sitting in the remains of Mitsuki's
tattered remains of an apartment.
***
Later, after Detectives Kiyone and Mihoshi had placed the
Mitsuki imposter into incarceration, the pair separated to
accomplish their own individual tasks. Kiyone went off to give
Sagami and her superiors and update the status of the case, while
Mihoshi proceeded to head down to lock-down to interrogate their
recent capture...
"Oh goody, you're awake!", squealed Mihoshi, "Now I can
read you your rights. Now how did Kiyone say they went again?
Oh yeah, first you have the right to remain silent. Next,
whatever you say may be used against you at your trial. Third,
you have the right to request an attorney. Fourth, if you have
no money a public defender will be assigned. And lastly, if you
attempt to run away there's going to be extra punishment!"
"Mihoshi?", asked Mitsuki hesitantly.
"Yes?"
Her eyes pleading, Mitsuki tried to convince her
captor of her innocence, "You gotta get me out of here, it's
a mistake, I'm the *REAL* Mitsuki, the pirate escaped some time
ago!"
"How horrible!", began Mihoshi, "Wait a minute! How do
I know you're not lying?"
"Me lie? You know I'd never do that to you."
"Good point, well then I'll just unlock... Hey wait,
how do I know you're you?"
"Who else would I be?"
"Another good point Mitsuki. Well then, I'll just enter
in the code and you'll be all set."
***
A short time later...
"Good Afternoon, this is GHK news, at noon. A gunfight
was reported late last night in the shuttle port, inside a Galaxy
Police headquarters. According to GHK sources, a prisoner space
pirate, under the current guise of Special Investigator Mitsuki,
invaded the space port and fled in a captured shuttle. Special
Investigator Mitsuki...", however the report on the display
screen was soon interrupted.
"Off.", said Mihoshi.
"There go my chances of promotion. What on Terra were
you thinking Mihoshi?", said Kiyone, her eyes still moist with
tears.
"Relax Kiyone, I put a tracer on her before she
got away."
"What? A tracer?", said Kiyone, her attitude much
improved.
"Yup! But we better get moving before she moves too
far out of range."
Shocked, Kiyone found herself at a loss for words,
"Mihoshi... That almost seems... competent. No it *IS*
competent! Good, no great job Mihoshi!"
"Wow, thanks Kiyone! Uhm, can we pick up some more Death
and Glory spirits on the way? I think we're all out."
***
Following the signal of the tracking device that Mihoshi
planted, the two Detectives follow the signals to what appears to
be an old derelict space rig. Switching the propulsion units over
to stealth mode, the patrol ship docks silently with the
structure, and the two Detectives sneak aboard. However,
their presence does not go unnoticed and the pair soon find
themselves knocked into unconscious by the faux Mitsuki which had
lead them to this very platform...
"Welcome all...", said a sinister and foreboding voice.
In unison, the two Detectives were quick to respond,
"Its Dr. Clay!"
"But I'm afraid you're a little too late. My invention
is already complete. Look at this...", said Dr. Clay as he
gestured to the workings of a rather large and dangerous looking
weapon, "This is it! The ultimate weapon, that Galaxy Destroyer!
The Dimensional Cannon, Mark II!"
Unable to help herself, Kiyone made a snide comment,
"Mark II? Now that's original."
"Dare you mock my genius? But alas, what more could I
hope to expect from such inferior minds?"
"You leave Mihoshi out of this!", shot back Kiyone.
"Yeah!", agreed Mihoshi.
"Enough! Zero, take these two GP down to the brig to
join their fellow officer, if they give you any trouble
however, kill them."
"Eek!", squealed Mihoshi.
"Well... Well not all of them, I'll need at least one
officer alive to present my demands to the Galaxy Police."
"Demands? What demands?", pondered Kiyone aloud.
"To be made the ultimate ruler of my own galaxy, of
course!"
"Galaxy Police will never negotiate with terrorists!"
"So much the pity, I always did enjoy the service's
amusing antics. However, if I must I will harbor no remorse in
eliminating the entire Galaxy Police force!"
"But that's mad!"
"As long as my power is recognized through the universe,
I don't care. It really doesn't matter. Do you hear me,
I don't care! Now leave me, I have much to do..."
***
And with that, the simulagent Zero takes the two
Detectives down to the aforementioned brig, to finally be reunited
with their fellow GP officer, Mitsuki. And just as quickly as she
came, Zero makes her way back to Dr. Clay, leaving the GP officers
alone with their thoughts...
"At last, my saviors have come!", said Mitsuki, rather
depressingly.
"Shut up Mitsuki!", shot back Kiyone.
"Oh no, am I annoying you Kiyone? I'm so sorry.", said
Mitsuki with a slight grin.
"Hey you've still got your gun!", shouted Kiyone
noticing that the officer did indeed still have her sidearm.
"Little good it does me, the hexa-conical coil is burnt
out, how else do you think that duplicator droid was able to nab
me so easily?"
"I can think of a few ways..."
"What was that?", asked Mitsuki rather sinisterly.
With a slight grin, Kiyone responded, "I said,
'I'm baffled as to what to say.'"
"I'm sure you did..."
Just noticing that her partner was busily fiddling
with her wrist computer, Kiyone said, "Mihoshi what are you
doing?"
"Just calling for help Kiyone.", offered Mihoshi in
response as she continued her work.
"But Mihoshi, even if Dr. Clay isn't jamming signals,
there's no way anyone you contact will get here in nearly
enough time."
"Oh?", said a familiarly sinister voice, "Funny, I just
guess I'm too late. Darn. Better head back to the ship,
I guess..."
"MARKIE!!!", shouted Kiyone, half in surprise, half in
utter shock.
"Oooh, the monkey got it in one! What you going to do
for an encore, juggle?"
"Just get us out of here!", said Kiyone briskly.
"There.", said Markie as he depressed the correct button
on the controls, "Happy?"
"Much.", began Kiyone, but then her eyes lit up when
she spotted Mitsuki's pistol, "Say I'm looking for a
hexa-conical coil, got any?"
"What do I look like, a hardware store?"
"No, but I do recall you mentioning something about
standardized parts. And I think its about time we put that
assertion to the test, don't you?"
"Oh shoot."
"That's what I'm hoping to do."
***
Moments later...
"It ends now Clay!", defiantly stated Kiyone, as she,
Markie, Mihoshi, and Mitsuki confronted the mad doctor.
"Wha? How did you get up here? Zero!!!", said Dr. Clay,
calling for help.
"Looking for your assistant? She's a little tied up right
now. A little tied up in your ship to be precise."
"Did you think that she was the only assistant at my
disposal?", said Dr. Clay with a sweeping gesture, "Mecha-Squid
attack them!"
"Unintelligent robots? How I weep for you. Eat flaming
hot radioactive wasabi death!", said Markie as he unleashed a wave
of piping hot, semi-toxic, chemical death.
"Clever.", said Dr. Clay, somewhat impressed, "But hot and
spicy food is no match for science!"
"Really? Then how 'bout good old fashion plasma bolts?",
said Kiyone, brandishing Mitsuki's repaired auto-pistol.
"Ah you forget, I still have the Dimensional Cannon at
my disposal. One wrong move GP and I'll use this controller to
vaporize this entire quadrant!"
Blasting the controller out of Dr. Clay's grip, Kiyone
was quick to retort, "Controller? What controller?"
"This is not the end!", said Dr. Clay as he started to
back away, desperate for a means of escape.
"Yes it is, now give it up!", said Kiyone, but backed up
a bit as she came to overlook the precipice that overlooked the
weapon's enormous power core, "Energy. Enormous Energy!"
Attempting to aid her partner, Mihoshi rushed forward,
only to trip on the way, "Surrender. Surrender. Wah-ha!"
"What have you done!", shouted Dr. Clay as the complex
began to rattle and shake soon after Kiyone's forced descent.
Her eyes streaming with tears, Mihoshi feel to her
knees, "KIYONE! KIYONE!"
"Leave her!", hissed Mitsuki as she began to drag
Mihoshi towards their patrol ship, "This place is about to blow!
We gotta get outta here!"
"But Kiyone... KIYONE!"
****
Her report finished, Detective Kiyone patiently
waited for her superior's response...
"So your gun fell into the core and blew it up, while
you fell down an open power access shaft, and made your way to
an escape pod, narrowly avoiding a otherwise disastrous fate?",
said the Captain.
"The falling part wouldn't have been so bad, if it
wasn't for that sudden stop at the end.", joked Kiyone, "But yes,
that's how I survived my fall. Of course, in the confusion Dr. Clay
and that marionette of his were able to get away scot free."
"I wouldn't say that Detective. While it is true that Dr.
Clay did get away, your actions prevented him from using his
Dimensional Cannon to hold the Galaxy Police at ransom, in
addition to destroying a rather large cache of weapons he had at
his disposal."
"Yes, but he may have much more where that came from.
If only Mihoshi hadn't tripped and pushed me, I might have been
able to capture Dr. Clay and close this case once and for all."
"I wouldn't fret about it Detective Kiyone. What
bothers me is how Detective Mihoshi's actions might have very
well cost you your life. Its true that I was hesitant to offer
you a promotion because compared to all the rest, you are able to
at least keep a semi-balance of a working relationship with
Detective Mihoshi. However, your actions in this case prove that
you are fully qualified to advance to the next level.
Furthermore, Detective Mihoshi's actions have shown that she is
a danger to herself and to others, and is therefore no longer fit
for duty."
"Sir you can't do that! I mean, yes its true Mihoshi does
have some difficulties working with others, but her actions in this
case show that she does indeed have the makings of a fine Detective.
I'm sure that she'll come around if you give her the opportunity
to work on some cases on a individual basis. At the very least,
it might get you some points with the Marshal."
"Very well then Detective Kiyone, I will take you
suggestions under consideration. Until next we meet. Dismissed."
****
As expected, Kiyone found Mihoshi at the Celestial
Serenade, a local galactic Karaoke joint that she tended to
frequent. Also as expected, Mihoshi sat depressed at the bar,
dejectedly fiddling with her drink. However, following Kiyone's
entrance, Mihoshi's attitude was much improved...
"Kiyone! I thought you died!"
"Nope, I guess I'm just not that lucky.", said Kiyone,
slightly chuckling.
"Don't kid Kiyone. I... I could never have forgiven
myself if.. if.."
"As opposed to all those other times that you
reported me dead?"
"Aha, oh those...", said Mihoshi, a slight bead of sweat
forming on her brow.
"Don't worry about it Mihoshi...", playfully said Kiyone,
but then her features turned more serious, "But I do have to
talk to you about something."
"What Kiyone?", asked Mihoshi hesitantly.
"My promotion came through, as of next week I'll be
a Special Investigator. Just like Mitsuki."
"Oh. And what about me?"
"You're to be assigned to a patrol position, to see
how you handle working alone. If you do well enough, maybe
you'll become a Special Investigator too, won't that be nice?"
"But I don't wanna leave you Kiyone!"
"Oh, that's so sweet Mihoshi. But we'll always be
friends, won't we?"
Still sniffling, Mihoshi looked pleadingly up to her
former partner's face, "Yeah I guess so..."
"Look, here we are in a Karaoke bar and we're not
singing! You know what that means..."
"But Kiyone, you hate singing!"
With a playful grin on her face, Kiyone continued,
"Aw, just this one time."
"Okay, but what will we sing?"
Flipping through a booklet of the available songs, Kiyone
found the one she was looking for, "How about this one?"
"But it really isn't a duet."
"Oh well, I think we can improvise something..."
It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere
I'm all alone, more or less
Let me fly far away from here
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose
Drinking fresh mango juice
Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
I'll pack my bags and head into hyperspace
Where I'll succeed at time-warp speed
Spend my days in ultraviolet rays
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
We'll lock on course straight through the universe
You and me and the galaxy
Reach the stage where hyperdrive's engaged
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun
[End.]
As you might have already guessed, I am a sad, sad man that craves your
attention. This being the case, please send all comments, criticism,
and death threats to bshrimp@together.net . That being said, I guess I
best try to explain the story.
First of all, let me point out that if you haven't seen the Mihoshi
Special yet, then all you should be missing out on is the significance
of the Death & Glory spirits joke. Other than that, I wrote this story
to stand on its own, and in fact it only vaguely resembles the actual
Mihoshi Special (or at least I think so).
Now, let's get into greatter detail, starting with an explaination of
Captain Nobeyama. Nobeyama, according to the Tenchi Muyo RPG (by
Guardians of Order), is the name of Mihoshi's superior. I even e-mailed
them on this one, and they told me that that this is his official cannon
name, at least according to secondary sources. Even if this isn't an
"official" name by your reckoning, it is at least a passable one IMO, so
I went ahead and used it in this fic.
The inspiration for Markie derives from a number of sources; Douglas
Adam's Hitchhiker's books, Grant/Naylor's Red Dwarf, and West End Games
Paranoia. Now while I'll admit that he's not totally original, I'd like
to believe I characterized him rather well. If you agree or disagree,
tell me (this goes back to my sad lonely man admission that I made
earlier).
Finally, some people unfamiler with the extended version of the Red
Dwarf theme song might suspect that I came up with those last two verses
on my lonesome. Good. Er... What I meant to say is that I didn't
write them, a guy named Ian Hu did. I suggest you check out an on-line
Red Dwarf FAQ for better detail than I can give (Hint: Check out the
'What are the lyrics to the Red Dwarf theme song?' question).
Welp, that's it. I can't think of anything more that I think you'd like
to hear. Or maybe I do, but I want you send me your questions because
of that aforementioned, sad lonely man thing. I dunno, could be either,
I guess.